I am just returned from depositing my billet. How diligent is this man!
It is plain he was in waiting: for I had walked but a few paces, after I
had deposited it, when, my heart misgiving me, I returned, to have taken
it back, in order to reconsider it as I walked, and whether I should or
should not let it go. But I found it gone.
In all probability, there was but a brick wall, of a few inches thick,
between Mr. Lovelace and me, at the very time I put the letter under the
brick!
I am come back dissatisfied with myself. But I think, my dear, there
can be no harm in meeting him. If I do not, he may take some violent
measures. What he knows of the treatment I meet with in malice to him,
and with the view to frustrate all his hopes, may make him desperate.
His behaviour last time I saw him, under the disadvantages of time and
place, and surprised as I was, gives me no apprehension of any thing but
discovery. What he requires is not unreasonable, and cannot affect my
future choice and determination: it is only to assure him from my own
lips, that I never will be the wife of a man I hate. If I have not an
opportunity to meet without hazard or detection, he must once more
bear the disappointment. All his trouble, and mine too, is owing to his
faulty character. This, although I hate tyranny and arrogance in all
shapes, makes me think less of the risques he runs, and the fatigues he
undergoes, than otherwise I should do; and still less, as my sufferings
(derived from the same source) are greater than his.
Betty confirms this intimation, that I must go to my uncle's on
Thursday. She was sent on purpose to direct me to prepare myself for
going, and to help me to get every thing up in order for my removal.