P.S. If you are disposed to see Mr. Solmes, and to make some excuses
to him for past conduct, in order to be able to meet him somewhere else
with the less concern to yourself for your freedoms with him, he shall
attend you where you please.
If you have a mind to read the settlements, before they are read to you
for your signing, they shall be sent you up--Who knows, but they will
help you to some fresh objections?--Your heart is free, you know--It
must--For, did you not tell your mother it was? And will the pious
Clarissa fib to her mamma?
I desire no reply. The case requires none. Yet I will ask you, Have you,
Miss, no more proposals to make?
*****
I was so vexed when I came to the end of this letter, (the postscript to
which, perhaps, might be written after the others had seen the letter,)
that I took up my pen, with an intent to write to my uncle Harlowe about
resuming my own estate, in pursuance of your advice. But my heart failed
me, when I recollected, that I had not one friend to stand by or
support me in my claim; and it would but the more incense them, without
answering any good end. Oh! that my cousin were but come!
Is it not a sad thing, beloved as I thought myself so lately by every
one, that now I have not one person in the world to plead for me, to
stand by me, or who would afford me refuge, were I to be under the
necessity of asking for it!--I who had the vanity to think I had as
many friends as I saw faces, and flattered myself too, that it was not
altogether unmerited, because I saw not my Maker's image, either in man,
woman, or child, high or low, rich or poor, whom, comparatively, I
loved not as myself.--Would to heaven, my dear, that you were married!
Perhaps, then, you could have induced Mr. Hickman to afford me
protection, till these storms were over-blown. But then this might have
involved him in difficulties and dangers; and that I would not have done
for the world.
I don't know what to do, not I!--God forgive me, but I am very
impatient! I wish--But I don't know what to wish, without a sin!--Yet I
wish it would please God to take me to his mercy!--I can meet with none
here--What a world is this!--What is there in it desirable? The good we
hope for, so strangely mixed, that one knows not what to wish for! And
one half of mankind tormenting the other, and being tormented themselves
in tormenting!--For here is this my particular case, my relations cannot
be happy, though they make me unhappy!--Except my brother and sister,
indeed--and they seem to take delight in and enjoy the mischief they
make.
But it is time to lay down my pen, since my ink runs nothing but gall.