GOTAMA

In the town of Savathi, every child knew the name of the exalted

Buddha, and every house was prepared to fill the alms-dish of Gotama’s

disciples, the silently begging ones. Near the town was Gotama’s

favourite place to stay, the grove of Jetavana, which the rich merchant

Anathapindika, an obedient worshipper of the exalted one, had given him

and his people for a gift.

All tales and answers, which the two young ascetics had received in

their search for Gotama’s abode, had pointed them towards this area.

And arriving at Savathi, in the very first house, before the door of

which they stopped to beg, food has been offered to them, and they

accepted the food, and Siddhartha asked the woman, who handed them the

food:

“We would like to know, oh charitable one, where the Buddha dwells, the

most venerable one, for we are two Samanas from the forest and have

come, to see him, the perfected one, and to hear the teachings from his

mouth.”

Quoth the woman: “Here, you have truly come to the right place, you

Samanas from the forest. You should know, in Jetavana, in the garden of

Anathapindika is where the exalted one dwells. There you pilgrims shall

spend the night, for there is enough space for the innumerable, who

flock here, to hear the teachings from his mouth.”

This made Govinda happy, and full of joy he exclaimed: “Well so, thus

we have reached our destination, and our path has come to an end! But

tell us, oh mother of the pilgrims, do you know him, the Buddha, have

you seen him with your own eyes?”

Quoth the woman: “Many times I have seen him, the exalted one. On many

days, I have seen him, walking through the alleys in silence, wearing

his yellow cloak, presenting his alms-dish in silence at the doors of

the houses, leaving with a filled dish.”

Delightedly, Govinda listened and wanted to ask and hear much more. But

Siddhartha urged him to walk on. They thanked and left and hardly had

to ask for directions, for rather many pilgrims and monks as well from

Gotama’s community were on their way to the Jetavana. And since they

reached it at night, there were constant arrivals, shouts, and talk of

those who sought shelter and got it. The two Samanas, accustomed to

life in the forest, found quickly and without making any noise a place

to stay and rested there until the morning.

At sunrise, they saw with astonishment what a large crowd of believers

and curious people had spent the night here. On all paths of the

marvellous grove, monks walked in yellow robes, under the trees they

sat here and there, in deep contemplation—or in a conversation about

spiritual matters, the shady gardens looked like a city, full of

people, bustling like bees. The majority of the monks went out with

their alms-dish, to collect food in town for their lunch, the only meal

of the day. The Buddha himself, the enlightened one, was also in the

habit of taking this walk to beg in the morning.

Siddhartha saw him, and he instantly recognised him, as if a god had

pointed him out to him. He saw him, a simple man in a yellow robe,

bearing the alms-dish in his hand, walking silently.

“Look here!” Siddhartha said quietly to Govinda. “This one is the

Buddha.”

Attentively, Govinda looked at the monk in the yellow robe, who seemed

to be in no way different from the hundreds of other monks. And soon,

Govinda also realized: This is the one. And they followed him and

observed him.

The Buddha went on his way, modestly and deep in his thoughts, his calm

face was neither happy nor sad, it seemed to smile quietly and

inwardly. With a hidden smile, quiet, calm, somewhat resembling a

healthy child, the Buddha walked, wore the robe and placed his feet

just as all of his monks did, according to a precise rule. But his face

and his walk, his quietly lowered glance, his quietly dangling hand and

even every finger of his quietly dangling hand expressed peace,

expressed perfection, did not search, did not imitate, breathed softly

in an unwhithering calm, in an unwhithering light, an untouchable

peace.

Thus Gotama walked towards the town, to collect alms, and the two

Samanas recognised him solely by the perfection of his calm, by the

quietness of his appearance, in which there was no searching, no

desire, no imitation, no effort to be seen, only light and peace.

“Today, we’ll hear the teachings from his mouth,” said Govinda.

Siddhartha did not answer. He felt little curiosity for the teachings,

he did not believe that they would teach him anything new, but he had,

just as Govinda had, heard the contents of this Buddha’s teachings

again and again, though these reports only represented second- or

third-hand information. But attentively he looked at Gotama’s head, his

shoulders, his feet, his quietly dangling hand, and it seemed to him as

if every joint of every finger of this hand was of these teachings,

spoke of, breathed of, exhaled the fragrant of, glistened of truth.

This man, this Buddha was truthful down to the gesture of his last

finger. This man was holy. Never before, Siddhartha had venerated a

person so much, never before he had loved a person as much as this one.

They both followed the Buddha until they reached the town and then

returned in silence, for they themselves intended to abstain from on

this day. They saw Gotama returning—what he ate could not even have

satisfied a bird’s appetite, and they saw him retiring into the shade

of the mango-trees.

But in the evening, when the heat cooled down and everyone in the camp

started to bustle about and gathered around, they heard the Buddha

teaching. They heard his voice, and it was also perfected, was of

perfect calmness, was full of peace. Gotama taught the teachings of

suffering, of the origin of suffering, of the way to relieve suffering.

Calmly and clearly his quiet speech flowed on. Suffering was life, full

of suffering was the world, but salvation from suffering had been

found: salvation was obtained by him who would walk the path of the

Buddha. With a soft, yet firm voice the exalted one spoke, taught the

four main doctrines, taught the eightfold path, patiently he went the

usual path of the teachings, of the examples, of the repetitions,

brightly and quietly his voice hovered over the listeners, like a

light, like a starry sky.

When the Buddha—night had already fallen—ended his speech, many a

pilgrim stepped forward and asked to be accepted into the community,

sought refuge in the teachings. And Gotama accepted them by speaking:

“You have heard the teachings well, it has come to you well. Thus join

us and walk in holiness, to put an end to all suffering.”

Behold, then Govinda, the shy one, also stepped forward and spoke: “I

also take my refuge in the exalted one and his teachings,” and he asked

to be accepted into the community of his disciples and was accepted.

Right afterwards, when the Buddha had retired for the night, Govinda

turned to Siddhartha and spoke eagerly: “Siddhartha, it is not my place

to scold you. We have both heard the exalted one, we have both

perceived the teachings. Govinda has heard the teachings, he has taken

refuge in it. But you, my honoured friend, don’t you also want to walk

the path of salvation? Would you want to hesitate, do you want to wait

any longer?”

Siddhartha awakened as if he had been asleep, when he heard Govinda’s

words. For a long time, he looked into Govinda’s face. Then he spoke

quietly, in a voice without mockery: “Govinda, my friend, now you have

taken this step, now you have chosen this path. Always, oh Govinda,

you’ve been my friend, you’ve always walked one step behind me. Often I

have thought: Won’t Govinda for once also take a step by himself,

without me, out of his own soul? Behold, now you’ve turned into a man

and are choosing your path for yourself. I wish that you would go it up

to its end, oh my friend, that you shall find salvation!”

Govinda, not completely understanding it yet, repeated his question in

an impatient tone: “Speak up, I beg you, my dear! Tell me, since it

could not be any other way, that you also, my learned friend, will take

your refuge with the exalted Buddha!”

Siddhartha placed his hand on Govinda’s shoulder: “You failed to hear

my good wish for you, oh Govinda. I’m repeating it: I wish that you

would go this path up to its end, that you shall find salvation!”

In this moment, Govinda realized that his friend had left him, and he

started to weep.

“Siddhartha!” he exclaimed lamentingly.

Siddhartha kindly spoke to him: “Don’t forget, Govinda, that you are

now one of the Samanas of the Buddha! You have renounced your home and

your parents, renounced your birth and possessions, renounced your free

will, renounced all friendship. This is what the teachings require,

this is what the exalted one wants. This is what you wanted for

yourself. Tomorrow, oh Govinda, I’ll leave you.”

For a long time, the friends continued walking in the grove; for a long

time, they lay there and found no sleep. And over and over again,

Govinda urged his friend, he should tell him why he would not want to

seek refuge in Gotama’s teachings, what fault he would find in these

teachings. But Siddhartha turned him away every time and said: “Be

content, Govinda! Very good are the teachings of the exalted one, how

could I find a fault in them?”

Very early in the morning, a follower of Buddha, one of his oldest

monks, went through the garden and called all those to him who had as

novices taken their refuge in the teachings, to dress them up in the

yellow robe and to instruct them in the first teachings and duties of

their position. Then Govinda broke loose, embraced once again his

childhood friend and left with the novices.

But Siddhartha walked through the grove, lost in thought.

Then he happened to meet Gotama, the exalted one, and when he greeted

him with respect and the Buddha’s glance was so full of kindness and

calm, the young man summoned his courage and asked the venerable one

for the permission to talk to him. Silently the exalted one nodded his

approval.

Quoth Siddhartha: “Yesterday, oh exalted one, I had been privileged to

hear your wondrous teachings. Together with my friend, I had come from

afar, to hear your teachings. And now my friend is going to stay with

your people, he has taken his refuge with you. But I will again start

on my pilgrimage.”

“As you please,” the venerable one spoke politely.

“Too bold is my speech,” Siddhartha continued, “but I do not want to

leave the exalted one without having honestly told him my thoughts.

Does it please the venerable one to listen to me for one moment

longer?”

Silently, the Buddha nodded his approval.

Quoth Siddhartha: “One thing, oh most venerable one, I have admired in

your teachings most of all. Everything in your teachings is perfectly

clear, is proven; you are presenting the world as a perfect chain, a

chain which is never and nowhere broken, an eternal chain the links of

which are causes and effects. Never before, this has been seen so

clearly; never before, this has been presented so irrefutably; truly,

the heart of every Brahman has to beat stronger with love, once he has

seen the world through your teachings perfectly connected, without

gaps, clear as a crystal, not depending on chance, not depending on

gods. Whether it may be good or bad, whether living according to it

would be suffering or joy, I do not wish to discuss, possibly this is

not essential—but the uniformity of the world, that everything which

happens is connected, that the great and the small things are all

encompassed by the same forces of time, by the same law of causes, of

coming into being and of dying, this is what shines brightly out of

your exalted teachings, oh perfected one. But according to your very

own teachings, this unity and necessary sequence of all things is

nevertheless broken in one place, through a small gap, this world of

unity is invaded by something alien, something new, something which had

not been there before, and which cannot be demonstrated and cannot be

proven: these are your teachings of overcoming the world, of salvation.

But with this small gap, with this small breach, the entire eternal and

uniform law of the world is breaking apart again and becomes void.

Please forgive me for expressing this objection.”

Quietly, Gotama had listened to him, unmoved. Now he spoke, the

perfected one, with his kind, with his polite and clear voice: “You’ve

heard the teachings, oh son of a Brahman, and good for you that you’ve

thought about it thus deeply. You’ve found a gap in it, an error. You

should think about this further. But be warned, oh seeker of knowledge,

of the thicket of opinions and of arguing about words. There is nothing

to opinions, they may be beautiful or ugly, smart or foolish, everyone

can support them or discard them. But the teachings, you’ve heard from

me, are no opinion, and their goal is not to explain the world to those

who seek knowledge. They have a different goal; their goal is salvation

from suffering. This is what Gotama teaches, nothing else.”

“I wish that you, oh exalted one, would not be angry with me,” said the

young man. “I have not spoken to you like this to argue with you, to

argue about words. You are truly right, there is little to opinions.

But let me say this one more thing: I have not doubted in you for a

single moment. I have not doubted for a single moment that you are

Buddha, that you have reached the goal, the highest goal towards which

so many thousands of Brahmans and sons of Brahmans are on their way.

You have found salvation from death. It has come to you in the course

of your own search, on your own path, through thoughts, through

meditation, through realizations, through enlightenment. It has not

come to you by means of teachings! And—thus is my thought, oh exalted

one,—nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings! You will not

be able to convey and say to anybody, oh venerable one, in words and

through teachings what has happened to you in the hour of

enlightenment! The teachings of the enlightened Buddha contain much, it

teaches many to live righteously, to avoid evil. But there is one thing

which these so clear, these so venerable teachings do not contain: they

do not contain the mystery of what the exalted one has experienced for

himself, he alone among hundreds of thousands. This is what I have

thought and realized, when I have heard the teachings. This is why I am

continuing my travels—not to seek other, better teachings, for I know

there are none, but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and

to reach my goal by myself or to die. But often, I’ll think of this

day, oh exalted one, and of this hour, when my eyes beheld a holy man.”

The Buddha’s eyes quietly looked to the ground; quietly, in perfect

equanimity his inscrutable face was smiling.

“I wish,” the venerable one spoke slowly, “that your thoughts shall not

be in error, that you shall reach the goal! But tell me: Have you seen

the multitude of my Samanas, my many brothers, who have taken refuge in

the teachings? And do you believe, oh stranger, oh Samana, do you

believe that it would be better for them all the abandon the teachings

and to return into the life the world and of desires?”

“Far is such a thought from my mind,” exclaimed Siddhartha. “I wish

that they shall all stay with the teachings, that they shall reach

their goal! It is not my place to judge another person’s life. Only for

myself, for myself alone, I must decide, I must chose, I must refuse.

Salvation from the self is what we Samanas search for, oh exalted one.

If I merely were one of your disciples, oh venerable one, I’d fear that

it might happen to me that only seemingly, only deceptively my self

would be calm and be redeemed, but that in truth it would live on and

grow, for then I had replaced my self with the teachings, my duty to

follow you, my love for you, and the community of the monks!”

With half of a smile, with an unwavering openness and kindness, Gotama

looked into the stranger’s eyes and bid him to leave with a hardly

noticeable gesture.

“You are wise, oh Samana,” the venerable one spoke. “You know how to

talk wisely, my friend. Be aware of too much wisdom!”

The Buddha turned away, and his glance and half of a smile remained

forever etched in Siddhartha’s memory.

I have never before seen a person glance and smile, sit and walk this

way, he thought; truly, I wish to be able to glance and smile, sit and

walk this way, too, thus free, thus venerable, thus concealed, thus

open, thus childlike and mysterious. Truly, only a person who has

succeeded in reaching the innermost part of his self would glance and

walk this way. Well so, I also will seek to reach the innermost part of

my self.

I saw a man, Siddhartha thought, a single man, before whom I would have

to lower my glance. I do not want to lower my glance before any other,

not before any other. No teachings will entice me any more, since this

man’s teachings have not enticed me.

I am deprived by the Buddha, thought Siddhartha, I am deprived, and

even more he has given to me. He has deprived me of my friend, the one

who had believed in me and now believes in him, who had been my shadow

and is now Gotama’s shadow. But he has given me Siddhartha, myself.