SCENE. _House of JOSIAH TWIGGS. Cozy sitting room. Doors in
1 R. and L, window by door R and in flat. Furniture that of
family in comfortable circumstances. Table near window up R.,
pictures, vases, etc. Discovered, Mr. and Mrs. Twiggs seated by
table._
MRS. T. Josiah, do you think there is anything in that advertisement in
the _Sun_?
MR. T. Which advertisement, Sophronia? There are several hundred of them.
MRS. T. I mean the one about wealthy gentleman who wants to adopt twins.
Is there anything in it?
MR. T. A tale of disappointed aspiration, probably. A gentleman, without
doubt, whose taste runs to twins and who has been reduced to the
necessity of advertising for them.
MRS. T. But what do you think of it?
MR. T. For my part, I don’t approve of twins.
MRS. T. Don’t you think he is a crank?
MR. T. Very likely! A crank is an individual whose ideas differ from
yours and mine and who takes no pains to conceal the fact.
MRS. T. Do you think he’s all right? (_Hands him paper._)
MR. T. (_Looking at advertisement._) He says high connections, honorable
gentleman, etc. I guess he’s what he claims to be. He must be, he says so
himself.
MRS. T. The main thing is, is he _rich_?
MR. T. Yes, that’s the main thing. Honor, culture, family, are minor
considerations.
MRS. T. Josiah, don’t be sarcastic. You always try to twist my meaning
round. I’m going to have Mrs. Twiggs-Knott apply at once. It would be so
nice for Twiggsie and Dixie.
MR. T. Why not try to get this estimable single party of high connections
to marry one of our daughters?
MRS. T. Josiah, how you talk!
MR. T. That is a better scheme. If he takes Amelia he gets the twins
thrown in, and if he takes Angie—
MRS. T. For shame, Josiah, one would think that we were scheming for our
dear children.
MR. T. Oh, no! perish the thought! (_Knock at door, R._)
MRS. T. Hist! Go to the door. (_TWIGGS opens door R._)
_ENTER MR. TOPP._
TOPP. Ah! excuse me! Is this Mr. Twiggs?
TWIGGS. Yes, come in.
TOPP. (_Embarrassed._) I called on a little matter of business. I—that is
to say—
TWIGGS. My wife, Mrs. Twiggs. (_TOPP bows to her._) Be seated. (_TOPP
takes chair by table._) Your daughter gave me this address. (_MRS. T.
seated, L._)
MRS. T. (_Aside._) Amelia has seen him already. (_To TOPP._) Go on, sir.
My daughter’s friends are very welcome here.
TOPP. I told her I would call.
MRS. T. You advertised.
TOPP. (_Embarrassed._) Don’t mention that, pray.
MRS. T. Oh, I beg pardon. We can guess your errand.
TOPP. (_Aside._) She’s a mind reader.
MRS. T. You have exhibited excellent taste. Such loveliness is seldom
found, I assure you.
TOPP. Yes, I quite agree. (_Aside._) A modest family truly!
MR. T. (_Nudging his wife._) Go slow at first.
MRS. T. At your age, sir, to be a father to budding innocence is indeed a
joy.
TOPP. (_Surprised._) A father! Yes, yes, no doubt you are right.
(_Aside._) Am I old Nestor himself, I wonder!
MRS. T. To read love in its eyes each day.
TOPP. (_Aside._) That’s better! (_To MRS. T._) Delightful, madam,
delightful!
MRS. T. To hear innocence lisp in stammering accents is indeed—
TOPP. Ecstatic, madam, I assure you. But I draw the line at
stammering—does she stammer?
MRS. T. You mean _they_.
MR. T. (_Nudging his wife._) He means _her_.
TOPP. I mean _she_.
MR. T. He, she, them! Who, which, what! I see!
MRS. T. He means Amelia, the mother. How sudden!
TOPP. (_Astonished._) She a mother!
_ENTER ANGIE, R. Crosses to MRS. T., who rises._
MRS. T. (_Nudging T._) A charming gentleman, I’m sure. (_To TOPP._) My
daughter, sir.
TOPP. (_Bowing._) Ah, miss, that is to say, madam—I came—
ANGIE. (_Bows bashfully; surprised._) Sir, I do not understand this
sudden call.
TOPP. Of course not. Explanations will follow duly.
MRS. T. (_With meaning look._) A friendly call my dear, and a little
business mingled.
MR. T. Yes, business first and pleasure after.
TOPP. I dislike the word “business” but—perhaps sentiment should cut no
figure in such matters. (_Aside._) Mercenary wretches!
ANGIE. (_To TOPP._) Then my mission has not been in vain?
TOPP. (_Graciously._) No, indeed. I assure you though it may have
originated in a mistake.
ANGIE. A mistake!
TOPP. Great events have sprung from little misunderstandings. To make a
long story short, Mr. Twiggs, I have come directly to you.
MRS. T. (_Puzzled._) To him?
TOPP. And why not to him, madam!
MRS. T. Very proper, sir. You have acted in a business-like manner. (_To
TWIGGS._) A very nice party!
TOPP. (_Aside._) Business again! (_Down R._)
MRS. T. (_To TWIGGS._) Which does he want, wife or twins?
MR. T. Both!
MRS. T. Shocking! how very strange!
TOPP. Hu’m! as I was saying—(_To MRS. TWIGGS._) And you, madam, since
I take it you should be consulted also, where do we find ourselves?
(_Pause, they all look at one another._)
MRS. T. Proceed, sir.
MR. T. Yes, we are all ears.
TOPP. I was about to suggest that the presence of your daughter may be
embarrassing.
MRS. T. Oh, never mind her. She is used to hearing all such matters
discussed.
TOPP. (_Starting._) Ah, indeed! Such matters—(_Aside._) I don’t like
this. A trap—(_A pause._)
MRS. T. Continue, my dear sir.
TOPP. Madam, I do not agree with you. I had the pleasure of seeing your
daughter but once, and I wish to satisfy myself a little concerning
certain matters. In short, a _private_ interview is the proper thing.
MRS. T. Mercy me!—Oh, I begin to understand. He wants to talk to _you_,
Josiah. How stupid you are.
MR. T. Exactly! How stupid we are.
MRS. T. What is the man driving at? (_Suddenly to TOPP._) Who are you?
MR. T. Yes, as a mere formality it might be well to know your name.
TOPP. Since your daughter has already called on me perhaps she will do me
the honor of an introduction. (_Aside._) She’s a little angel.
MRS. T. My daughter has called on you? Is this so, Angie dear?
ANGIE. Yes, mother.
MRS. T. In answer to an advertisement?
ANGIE. Yes.
MRS. T. (_Hysterically._) Oh, rash girl! This is terrible! This is
the wretch who advertised for a young lady for private secretary.
(_Sarcastically._) Tall, blonde preferred, etc., etc. (_Here describes
ANGIE._) Oh, silly child! Oh, horrid wretch! Josiah, _will_ you endure
this insult and never say one word or lift a hand in defense of your
fireside.
MR. T. Never mind the fireside, it’s all right. What does the gentleman
want?
MRS. T. What does he want? he’s a monster!
ANGIE. (_Remonstrating._) Oh, mother!
TOPP. (_Astounded._) Madam, one word—
MRS. T. (_Tragically._) Wretch! Not a word! My poor lamb! (_Takes A. in
her arms._) Left without a protector. And the wolf is at the door.
_ENTER TICK suddenly, R._
TICK. Wolf at the door! (_Aside._) That’s hard on me.
TWIGGS. Who the devil are you, sir, to enter my house in this
unceremonious fashion?
TICK. I heard the sound of females in distress. I answered the call.
Madam, your lamb shall have protection. The policy of this great free
country is—
MR. T. Bosh! I have not the pleasure of your acquaintance. Who are you?
TOPP. Bless my soul, our dog-fancier again! Stick to your trade young
man, and don’t meddle with political economy. You had better go, sir.
MR. T. And who are you to order people out of my house. _You_ had better
go too.
TICK. Yes, go to—(_Waves him away with comical gesture._)
TOPP. (_Aside._) Ordered out of my own house! (_To TICK_) Confound it,
I’ll not go!
MR. T. Then I shall be obliged to eject you.
TICK. That’s right, old man, throw him out. (_Crosses L. to ANGIE and
MRS. T._) Don’t be afraid ladies.
MR. T. Now go will you!
TOPP. I wont!
MR. T. We’ll see about that. (_Business of pushing TOPP toward door, R._)
TOPP. Why bless me if he doesn’t mean it. Well, I didn’t graduate in a
university for nothing. I know a little of the manly art. (_Hits TWIGGS
and knocks him over table, sending books flying._) You have a little my
advantage in years (_or height, or weight, as case may be_) but you’re
welcome to it.
TWIGGS. (_Recovering._) Don’t come on again! My blood is up.
TOPP. Your blood! (_Knocks TWIGGS into window and breaks it._)
MRS. T. (_Rushes between them._) Don’t hurt him, Josiah.
MR. T. Do not alarm yourself, my dear, I’ll not.
TICK. (_Getting ready to hold TOPP._) Steady boys, steady.
TOPP. (_Flinging TICK aside._) Get out of my way.
MR. T. You have broken my window.
TOPP. _My_ window, if you please, sir.
MRS. T. _Your_ window?
TOPP. Yes, madam, _my_ window.
MRS. T. (_Screams._) Mercy me, it’s Mr. Topp, our landlord.
MR. T. What! Mr. Topp, of Topp & Topp?
TOPP. (_With great dignity._) Yes, sir, Cadwalader Topp, sole proprietor
of Topp & Topp, oyster packers. My card, sir. (_Hands card._) You have
treated me with great indignity, sir. I shall not forget it. (_Going._)
MR. T. All right, make a note of it, if you choose.
MRS. T. (_Pulling at TWIGGS’ coat._) Josiah, we are undone. Run and
apologize.
MR. T. Apologize, never! Now, sir, (_Following TOPP._) I challenge you to
a round outside. (_MRS. T. screams._)
ANGIE. Mother, please be quiet.
TOPP. I’ll have you up for assault and battery.
MR. T. Try it if you dare.
TICK. Three cheers for the old man.
TOPP. And what’s more, you shall repair that window!
MR. T. Never!
MRS. T. Josiah, do be quiet. You are so indiscreet.
TOPP. We’ll see about it. Take my word for that. You have the form of
lease which reads “All repairs at expense of tenant.” And now Mr. Twiggs,
since you know who I am I leave you to your own reflections. (_Going R._)
MRS. T. Please, sir, don’t be hasty! This is all a mistake.
TOPP. I quite agree in that sentiment. Madam a great mistake, but not too
late to mend it. (_Going R._) I withdraw my proposal for your daughter’s
hand. (_Exit R._)
MRS. T. Daughter’s hand! Oh! oh! support me Josiah. If you don’t I
_shall_ faint. (_He moves to support her; pushes him off angrily._)
Josiah, follow him at once and apologize, or I shall—
ANGIE. Let the old bear go. The idea!
TICK. (_Aside._) Good for the little one.
MRS. T. Josiah, we are undone.
MR. T. Underdone, you mean.
MRS. T. That’s just like you, Josiah, to perpetrate small-beer witticisms
over the misfortunes of your own family. Now you are actually laughing.
MR. T. Do you want me to cry, Sophronia?
MRS. T. No, it’s a man’s place to be brave and assert his rights.
MR. T. I was too brave, my dear. (_Looks at broken window, all laugh._)
MRS. T. _I_ shall not let him withdraw so easily. I shall write and say
his proposition is considered favorably.
ANGIE. Oh, mama! How indelicate.
MRS. T. Pooh, my child, you know nothing about such matters. Even
delicacy may be overdone.
ANGIE. I detest him, mama.
MRS. T. You will learn to love him. Consider it settled.
TICK. (_Aside._) Then _I_ am undone. (_To MRS. T._) Madam, your precious
child has indeed escaped a wolf. He is an old mormon, or worse, I’ll bet
ten dollars.
MRS. T. He’s worth millions.
MR. T. And yet he wont pay for that window.
MRS. T. Josiah, it is painful to think how you let sordid considerations
influence your actions. You must see him and explain.
MR. T. I’ve nothing to explain.
ANGIE. Let the hateful old thing go.
TICK. (_Enthusiastically._) Right you are. Let the old bear go to—
MRS. T. Husband, you _must_ see him at once. This is the opportunity of a
lifetime.
MR. T. _I_ don’t care to see him.
MRS. T. You are perfectly absurd to-day, Josiah.
TICK. (_Stepping forward._) Madam, I will see him.
MRS. T. But you are a stranger, you do not understand the case.
TICK. I understand it perfectly. I shall call him to account. I will
demand an apology; if he refuses, I will—by jingo, I will challenge him!
MRS. T. _No! No!_ That would spoil all.
TICK. He shall not insult defenseless females while this good right arm
retains its—its—ah—
_ENTER SPRATT, suddenly, R._
SPRATT. Villain, I have found you. You shall not escape!
TICK. (_Shrinking away._) Why, hello, partner!
SPRATT. Don’t “partner” me. I’m on your track.
MR. T. (_Looks at TICK’S feet._) Not a bad sized track either! (_To
TICK._) Perhaps, you won’t mind explaining why he is on your track.
(_Meets TICK R. C._)
SPRATT. That man has ruined me. The opportunity of a lifetime dashed in a
moment.
MRS. T. (_Throws up hands._) Another opportunity gone! Oh, dear! That’s
just what ails us!
MR. T. Another rumpus brewing. I’ll steer them away from the window.
(_Maneuvers to the other side._) Gentlemen, would you mind discussing
this matter on the sofa?
SPRATT. You’re an underhanded sneak.
TICK. You’re an openhanded fraud.
MRS. T. How dreadful!
ANGIE. Rivals, I venture! How romantic! A real adventure!
SPRATT. It is no romance, I assure you. My poor twins, Grover Cleveland
Spratt and Benjamin Harrison Spratt are left fatherless—no I don’t mean
that. They are—in short they are _left_.
TICK. Oh, he’s talking about his pups.
SPRATT. (_Furious._) If you say pups again there’ll be bloodshed. I
_won’t_ stand it.
MRS. T. (_Screams._) Oh, dear me! Josiah, can’t you do something?
MR. T. If it’s a question of blood come outside. A grass plat is better
to shed blood on than a carpet. We’ll paint the lawn red.
SPRATT. (_Going._) Come on!
TICK. Excuse _me_! (_Looks at ANGIE._) I have an engagement here.
MRS. T. Josiah, do get rid of these horrid men.
MR. T. (_Takes TICK by arm._) Come, sir, no vacillation. A brave man
never hesitates.
TICK. Never! Do I vacillate? No, I refute the charge with indignation.
I was only waiting to take leave of the ladies. (_Bowing politely._)
Ladies, au revoir.
(_Exeunt men, R._)
ANGIE. He’s _so_ gallant!
MRS. T. Dear me, child, what a series of adventures. And your father is
so slow to act in a crisis.
ANGIE. Poor Pa! I just don’t like that horrid old Topp one bit. I’ll tell
him so, there now!
MRS. T. Pet, you’ll do nothing of the sort. Mr. Topp is such a dear man.
ANGIE. Bald as a peeled onion!
MRS. T. A mark of dignity. A patent of nobility in America.
ANGIE. A patent! Say trade mark. Why doesn’t he put it on his oysters.
MRS. T. Your levity is in bad taste. Where is the dignity you inherited
from your father and mother? You must learn to love him.
ANGIE. I’m not good at learning by heart. (_Aside._) Isn’t Mr. Tick
handsome!
MRS. T. I’m uneasy about Josiah. He’s so careless of consequences.
(_Exit, R._)
ANGIE. (_Laughs heartily_) Oh, that ridiculous old man! And he never saw
me but once. (_Laughs._)
_ENTER MRS. T-K. L._
MRS. T-K. What are you laughing at, sister?
ANGIE. (_Laughing._) Oh, it’s too funny, I’ve just had a proposal!
MRS. T-K. A proposal! How romantic!
ANGIE. He’s worth a million!
MRS. T-K. No! What delightful luck. Did you say _yes_ instantly.
ANGIE. I did not.
MRS. T-K. Sister, don’t be reckless. Do not tempt Providence, for a
millionaire is a gift of Providence to a marriageable girl. Take him
instanter.
ANGIE. Well, I wouldn’t take him if he was worth ten millions.
MRS. T-K. Angie, are you crazy? or just a fool?
ANGIE. Just, a fool, I suppose, Amelia.
MRS. T-K. Yes, of course, young girls usually are.
ANGIE. Widows embody all wisdom, I suppose.
MRS. T-K. They at least know a good thing when they see it. I hope you
didn’t say no.
ANGIE. (_Laughs._) He didn’t give me any chance to say no. He and Pa had
a misunderstanding and Pa told him to go.
MRS. T-K. (_Astonished._) And he went away, offended of course. How
unfortunate.
ANGIE. No, he just refused to go at all.
MRS. T-K. Refused to go! What then?
ANGIE. (_Laughing._) He knocked Pa through the window! (_Points to broken
glass._)
MRS. T-K. Horrors! Pa is so indiscreet, but then if he is a true lover,
obstacles will only fan the flame.
ANGIE. And windows prove no obstacle!
MRS. T-K. Windows, indeed! Who is he?
ANGIE. Mr. Topp, of Topp & Topp.
MRS. T-K. (_Springing up._) What! Mr. Topp? The bachelor who wants to
adopt twins?
ANGIE. The same.
MRS. T-K. And you called on him to say a good word for my darlings,
Twiggsie and Dixie?
ANGIE. I did.
MRS. T-K. And you said one word for them and a dozen for yourself.
ANGIE. Now, sister, how can you? I said all I could for your boys.
MRS. T-K. Indeed! What did you say?
ANGIE. Oh, it was too funny! There was a young gentleman there by
the name of Tick, and they talked so many things that they got me all
confused so I can’t remember what I did say.
MRS. T-K. Artless creature!
ANGIE. (_With dignity._) Mrs. Twiggs-Knott, may I ask what you mean by
that epithet?
MRS. T-K. I mean you are greatly mistaken. It was _me_ that Mr. Topp came
to see.
ANGIE. _You!_ Impossible! Didn’t I read love in his eyes.
MRS. T-K. (_With sneer._) Oh, if it has come to reading love in his eyes,
we may consider it settled. That sort of reading can be done just as well
with the eyes closed.
ANGIE. Possibly, I’ve had no experience.
MRS. T-K. Well, you are in a fair way to get it.
ANGIE. Spare your comments. The teacher need not be a third party.
MRS. T-K. He said he would be sure to write to me.
ANGIE. And to me, too.
MRS. T-K. He took special interest in me and said he was very, very sorry
he could not do something at once, or words to that effect.
ANGIE. He took my address.
MRS. T-K. Address! That was a matter of form. He expressed great regret
that he could not devote more time to my matter.
ANGIE. Expressed _regret_! (_Archly._) Well he exhibited great pleasure
at my call.
MRS. T-K. Pooh, common politeness only. For me it was a deep interest. I
read it in his—(_Stops suddenly._)
ANGIE. Eyes? Ha, ha, ha, you are taking lessons, too, sister. Well,
I called within two minutes after you left and if his countenance
expressed any sentiment it was plainly bad humor.
MRS. T-K. Which your smile immediately thawed.
ANGIE. Indeed it did.
MRS. T-K. Angie, I think you are real mean.
ANGIE. Well, sister, seriously, I don’t want him, you are welcome to him.
MRS. T-K. (_Brightening._) I _know_ he called for me and, oh, such a
horrid mistake. I shall die. (_Screams._)
_ENTER MRS. T. R., running._
MRS. T. What is it my dear!
MRS. T-K. Mr. Topp called for me instead of Angie.
MRS. T. No! You don’t say. Why do you think so?
MRS. T-K. He told me that he was coming, or at least would write.
MRS. T. What a dreadful misunderstanding! We are all ruined! (_Screams._)
Josiah! Come! Quick! Where is that man?
_ENTER MR. T. hastily._
MRS. T. Mr. Topp called for—
MR. T. Confound Topp.
MRS. T. We are ruined!
MR. T. We have been ruined so often, my dear, that I rather enjoy it.
MRS. T. Now, Josiah, don’t try to be funny. When you try to be funny the
effect is painful. Husband, do you realize the calamity that has befallen
us?
MR. T. Yes, I guess you mean the window.
MRS. T. The window—indeed! Oh, the obtuseness of men! Mr. Topp has
proposed for the hand of the wrong girl.
MR. T. No!
MRS. T. No! Is that all you can say? You never say anything but _no_.
MR. T. My dear, _no_ is a very convenient little particle to calk chinks
in a colloquy.
MRS. T. This can never be repaired.
MR. T. The window?
MRS. T. Don’t talk eternally of that window. The match!
MR. T. Exactly! the match of course! Sophronia, I suggest we try welding.
The soft solder of diplomacy may result in the union called matrimony.
MRS. T. Girls, do you hear that? Never marry a man who thinks he is
funny. It is an incurable vice that breaks out at unexpected moments, to
your utter confusion.
MR. T. But, ladies, I protest I am not funny.
MRS. T. We agree there.
MR. T. Can you not distinguish between a well-turned sentence and—
MRS. T. A small pun. Josiah, if you were a man of action you would do
something instead of asking useless questions.
MR. T. I don’t care to go into action twice in the same day.
MRS. T-K. (_Groans._) I think it’s a shame!
ANGIE. It’s funny.
MRS. T. (_Severely._) So your father appears to think. What is to be
done? That is the question.
MR. T. Let him change his bid and submit sealed proposals.
MRS. T. There you go again. Husband, you must see him at once.
MR. T. I’d rather not.
MRS. T. Duty and the happiness of your child call you.
(_Authoritatively._) Go!
MR. T. I prefer not to tackle him again to-day.
MRS. T. All right, I go myself. Between two evils we must choose the
best. I will go.
MR. T. My dear, I wont allow it. We must choose the worst. I’ll beard
the—that proverb is stale—I’ll just beard him. Or shall I not rather
unbeard him? (_Majestically. With pompous, martial air._) The die is cast
and fortune—um—ah—
MRS. T. Josiah, go. (_Points._)
QUICK CURTAIN.