Madame Zattiany adjusted the chain on the front door and returned very
slowly to the library. That broad placid brow, not the least of her
physical charms, was drawn in a puzzled frown. Instead of turning out
the lights she sat down and stared into the dying fire. Suddenly she
began to laugh, a laugh of intense and ironic amusement; but it stopped
in mid-course and her eyes expanded with an expression of
consternation, almost of panic.
She was not alarmed for the peace of mind of the man who was more in
love with her than he had so far admitted to himself. She had been
loved by too many men and had regarded their heartaches and balked
desires with too profound an indifference to worry over the possible
harm she might be inflicting upon the brilliant and ambitious young man
who had precipitated himself into her life. That might come later, but
not at this moment when she was shaken and appalled.
She had dismissed from her mind long ago the hope or the desire that
she could ever again feel anything but a keen mental response to the
most provocative of men. No woman had ever lived who was more
completely disillusioned, more satiated, more scornful of that age-old
dream of human happiness, which, stripped to its bones, was merely the
blind instinct of the race to survive. Civilization had heaped its
fictions over the bare fact of nature's original purpose, imagination
lashing generic sexual impulse to impossible demands for the consummate
union of mind and soul and body. Mutuality! When man was essentially
polygamous and woman essentially the vehicle of the race. When the
individual soul had been decreed by the embittered gods eternally to
dwell alone and never yet had been tricked beyond the moment of nervous
exaltation into the belief that it had fused into its mate. Life
itself was futile enough, but that dream of the perfect love between
two beings immemorially paired was the most futile and ravaging of all
the dreams civilization had imposed upon mankind. The curse of
imagination. Only the savages and the ignorant masses understood
"love" for the transitory functional thing it was and were undisturbed
by spiritual unrest . . . by dreams . . . mad longings. . . .
No one had ever surrendered to the illusion more completely than she.
No one had ever hunted with a more passionate determination for that
correlative soul that would submerge, exalt, and complete her own
aspiring soul. And what had she found? Men. Merely men. Satiety or
disaster. Weariness and disgust. She had not an illusion left. She
had put all that behind her long since.
It seemed to her as she sat there staring into the last flickerings of
the charred log that it had been countless years since any man had had
the power to send a thrill along her nerves, to stir even the ghost of
those old fierce desires. No woman had ever had more cause to feel
immune. Too contemptuous of life and the spurious illusions man had
created for himself, while destroying the even balance between matter
and mind, even to be rebellious, she had felt a profound gratitude for
her complete freedom from the thrall of sex when she had realized that
with her gifts of mind and fortune she still had a work to do in the
world that would resign her to the supreme boredom of living. During
the war man had been but a broken thing to be mended or eased out of
life; and she knew that there was no better nurse in Europe; it had
always been her pride to do nothing by halves; and before that she had
come to look upon men with a certain passive toleration when their
minds were responsive to her own. Whatever sex charm they possessed
might better have been wasted on the Venus in the Louvre.
And tonight she had realized that this young man, so unlike any she had
ever known in her European experience, had been more or less in her
thoughts since the night he had followed her out of the theatre and
stood covertly observing her as she waited for her car. She had been
conscious during subsequent nights at the play of his powerful gaze as
he sat watching for a turn of the head that would give him a glimpse of
something more than the back of her neck; or as she had passed him on
her way to her seat. She had been even more acutely conscious of him
as he left his own seat while the lights were still down and followed
her up the aisle. But she had felt merely amusement at the time,
possibly a thrill of gratified vanity, accustomed as she was to
admiration and homage.
But on the night when he had hastened up to her in the deserted street
and offered his assistance, standing with his hat in his hand and
looking at her with a boyish and diffident gallantry in amusing
contrast with his stern and cynical countenance, and she had realized
that he had impulsively followed her, something had stirred within her
that she had attributed to a superficial recrudescence of her old love
of adventure, of her keen desire for novelty at any cost. Amused at
both herself and him, she had suddenly decided, while he was effecting
an entrance to her house, to invite him into the library and take
advantage of this break in the monotonous life she had decreed should
be her portion while she remained in New York.
She had found him more personally attractive than she had expected.
Judge Trent, whom she had deftly drawn out, had told her that he was a
young man of whom, according to Dinwiddie, great things were expected
in the literary world; his newspaper career, brilliant as it was, being
regarded merely as a phase in his progress; he had not yet "found
himself." After that she had read his column attentively.
But she had not been prepared for a powerful and sympathetic
personality, that curious mixture of naïveté and hard sophistication,
and she had ascribed her interest in him to curiosity in exploring what
to her was a completely foreign type. In her own naïveté it had never
occurred to her that men outside her class were gentlemen as she
understood the term, and she still supposed Clavering to be exceptional
owing to his birth and breeding. It had given her a distinct
satisfaction, the night of the dinner, to observe that he lost nothing
by contact with men who were indubitably of her own world. There was
no snobbery in her attitude. She had always been too secure in her own
exalted state for snobbery, too protected from climbers to conceive the
"I will maintain" impulse, and she had escaped at birth that
overpowering sense of superiority that carks the souls of high and low
alike. But it was the first time she had ever had the opportunity to
judge by any standards but those in which she had been born and passed
her life. As for Clavering, he was a gentleman, and that was the end
of that phase of the matter as far as she was concerned.
It was only tonight that she had been conscious of a certain youthful
eagerness as she paced up and down the hall waiting to hear him run up
the steps. She had paused once and laughed at herself as she realized
that she was acting like a girl expecting her lover, when she was
merely a coldly--no longer even bitterly--disillusioned woman, bored
with this enforced inaction in New York, welcoming a little adventure
to distract her mind from its brooding on the misery she had left
behind her in Europe, and on the future to which she had committed
herself. And a midnight adventure! She had shrugged her shoulders and
laughed again as she had admitted him.
But she felt no disposition to laugh as she sat alone in the chilling
room. She was both angry and appalled to remember that she had felt a
quivering, almost a distension of her nerves as she had sat there with
him in the silence and solitude of the night. That she had felt a warm
pleasure in the interest that betrayed him into positive impertinence,
and that a sick terror had shaken her when she saw that he was making
up his mind not to see her again. She had not betrayed herself for a
moment, she was too old a hand in the game of men and women for that,
and she had let him go without a sign, secure in the confidence that he
was at her beck; but she knew now, and her hands clenched and her face
distorted as she admitted it, that if he had suddenly snatched her in
his arms she would have flamed into passion and felt herself the
incarnation of youth and love.
Incredible. Unthinkable. She!
What should she do? Flee? She had come to New York for one purpose
only, to settle her financial affairs in the briefest possible time and
return to the country where her work lay. But she had been detained
beyond expectation, for the slow reorganization of one of the companies
in which a large portion of her fortune was invested would not be
complete without her final signature. There were other important
transfers to be made, and moreover Judge Trent had insisted that she
become thoroughly acquainted with her business affairs and able to
maintain an intelligent correspondence with her trustees when he
himself had retired. She had shown a remarkable aptitude for finance
and he was merciless in his insistence, demanding an hour of her time
every day.
Business. She hated the word. What did it matter---- But she knew
that it did matter, and supremely. She might have the beauty, the
brains, and the sex domination to win men to her way of thinking when
she launched herself into the maelstrom of politics, but she was well
aware that her large fortune would be half the battle. It furnished
the halo and the sinews, and it gave her the power to buy men who could
not be persuaded. She had vowed that Austria should be saved at any
cost.
No, she could not go now. She must remain for another month--two
months, possibly. She was no longer in that undisciplined stage of
youth when flight from danger seems the only solution. To wreck the
lives of others in order to secure her own peace of mind would make her
both ridiculous and contemptible in her own eyes, and she had yet to
despise herself. She would "stick it out," "see it through," to quote
the vernacular of these curious American novels she had been reading;
trusting that she had merely been suffering from a flurry of the
senses . . . not so remarkable perhaps. . . .
But her mind drifted back to the past month. Senses? And if it were
not that alone, but merely the inevitable accompaniment of far stranger
processes . . . if it were what she had once so long sought and with
such disastrous results . . . She had believed for so many years that
it existed somewhere, in some man . . . that it was every woman's
right . . . even if it could not last for ever. . . . But while it
lasted! After all, imagination had its uses. It helped to prolong as
well as create. . . . She sank back and closed her eyes, succumbing to
an ineffable languor.
It lasted but a moment. She started up with an exclamation of
impatience and disgust; and she shivered from head to foot. The room
was bitterly cold. There were only ashes on the hearth.