Gulling a Blue Nose.
I allot, said Mr. Slick, that the Blue Noses are the most
gullible folks on the face of the airth--rigular soft
horns, that's a fact. Politicks and such stuff set 'em
a gapin, like children in a chimbley corner listenen to
tales of ghosts, Salem witches, and Nova Scotia snowstorms;
and while they stand starin and yawpin all eyes and mouth,
they get their pockets picked of every cent that's in
'em. One candidate chap says "Feller citizens, this
country is goin to the dogs hand over hand; look at your
rivers, you have no bridges; at your wild lands, you have
no roads; at your treasury, you hante got a cent in it:
at your markets, things dont fetch nothin; at your fish,
the Yankees ketch 'em all. There's nothin behind you
but sufferin, around you but poverty, afore you, but
slavery and death. What's the cause of this unheerd of
awful state of things, ay, what's the cause? Why Judges,
and Banks, and Lawyers, and great folks, have swallered
all the money. They've got you down, and they'll keep
you down to all etarnity, you and your posteriors arter
you. Rise up like men, arouse yourselves like freemen,
and elect me to the Legislatur, and I'll lead on the
small but patriotic band, I'll put the big wigs thro'
their facins, I'll make 'em shake in their shoes, I'll
knock off your chains and make you free." Well, the goneys
fall tu and elect him, and he desarts right away, with
balls, rifle, powder horn and all. HE PROMISED TOO MUCH.
Then comes a real good man, and an everlastin fine
preacher, a most a special spiritual man, renounces the
world, the flesh, and the devil, preaches and prays day
and night, so kind to the poor, and so humble, he has no
more pride than a babe, and so short-handed he's no butter
to his bread--all self denial, mortifyin the flesh. Well,
as soon as he can work it, he marries the richest gall
in all his flock, and then his bread is buttered on both
sides. HE PROMISED TOO MUCH.
Then comes a Doctor, and a prime article he is too, I've
got, says he, a screw augur emetic and hot crop, and if
I cant cure all sorts o' things in natur my name aint
quack. Well he turns stomach and pocket, both inside out,
and leaves poor Blue Nose--a dead man. HE PROMISED TOO
MUCH.
Then comes a Lawyer, an honest lawyer too, a real wonder
under the sun, as straight as a shingle in all his dealins.
He's so honest he cant bear to hear tell of other lawyers,
he writes agin 'em, raves agin 'em, votes agin 'em, they
are all rogues but him. He's jist the man to take a case
in hand, cause HE will see justice done. Well, he wins
his case, and fobs all for costs, cause he's sworn to
see justice done to--himself. HE PROMISED TOO MUCH.
Then comes a Yankee Clockmaker, (and here Mr. Slick
looked up and smiled,) with his "Soft Sawder," and "Human
Natur," and he sells clocks warranted to run from July
to Etarnity, stoppages included, and I must say they do
run as long as--as long as wooden clocks commonly do,
that's a fact. But I'll shew you presently how I put the
leak into 'em, for here's a feller a little bit ahead on
us, whose flint I've made up my mind to fix this while
past. Here we were nearly thrown out of the waggon, by
the breaking down of one of those small wooden bridges,
which prove so annoying and so dangerous to travellers.
Did you hear that are snap? said he, well as sure as
fate, I'll break my clocks over them etarnal log bridges,
if Old Clay clips over them arter that fashion. Them are
poles are plaguy treacherous, they are jist like old Marm
Patience Doesgood's teeth, that keeps the great United
Independent Democratic Hotel, at Squaw Neck Creek, in
Massachusetts, one half gone, and tother half rotten
eends. I thought you had disposed of your last Clock,
said I, at Colchester, to Deacon Flint. So I did, he
replied, the last one I had to sell to HIM, but I got a
few left for other folks yet. Now there is a man on this
road, one Zeb Allen, a real genuINE skinflint, a proper
close fisted customer as you'll amost see any where, and
one that's not altogether the straight thing in his dealin
neither. He dont want no one to live but himself, and
he's mighty handsum to me, sayin my Clocks are all a
cheat, and that we ruinate the country, a drainin every
drop of money out of it, a callin me a Yankee broom and
what not. But it tante all jist Gospel that he says. Now
I'll put a Clock on him afore he knows it, I'll go right
into him as slick as a whistle, and play him to the eend
of my line like a trout. I'll have a hook in his gills,
while he's a thinkin he's only smellin at the bait. There
he is now, I'll be darned if he aint, standin afore his
shop door, lookin as strong as high proof Jamaiky; I
guess I'll whip it out o' the bung while he's a lookin
arter the spicket, and praps he'll be none o' the wiser
till be finds it out, neither.
Well Squire, how do you do, said he, how's all to home?
Reasonable well, I give you thanks, wont you alight? Cant
to-day, said Mr. Slick, I'm in a considerable of a hurry
to katch the Packet, have you any commands for Sow West?
I'm goin to the Island, and across the Bay to Windsor.
Any word that way? No says Mr. Allen, none that I can
think on, unless it be to enquire how butter's goin; they
tell me cheese is down, and proDUCE of all kind particular
dull this fall. Well, I'm glad I can tell you that
question, said Slick, for I don't calculate to return to
these parts, butter is risin a cent or two; I put mine
off mind at 10 pence. Dont return! possible! why how
you talk? have you done with the clock trade? I guess I
have, it tante worth follerin now. Most time, said the
other, laughing, for by all accounts the clocks warnt
worth havin, and most infarnal dear too, folks begin to
get their eyes open. It warnt needed in your case, said
Mr. Slick, with that peculiarly composed manner, that
indicates suppressed feeling, for you were always wide
awake, if all the folks had cut their eye teeth as airly
as you did, their'd be plaguy few clocks sold in these
parts, I reckon; but you are right, Squire, you may say
that, they actilly were NOT worth havin, and that's the
truth. The fact is, said he, throwing down his reins;
and affecting a most confidential tone, I felt almost
ashamed of them myself; I tell you. The long and short
of the matter is jist this, they don't make no good ones
now-a-days, no more, for they calculate 'em for shippin
and not for home use. I was all struck up of a heap when
I see'd the last lot I got from the States; I was properly
bit by them, you may depend; they didnt pay cost, for I
couldn't recommend them with a clear conscience, and I
must say I do like a fair deal, for I'm strait up and
down, and love to go right ahead, that's a fact. Did you
ever see them I fetched when I first came, them I sold
over the Bay? No, said Mr. Allen, I cant say I did. Well,
continued he, they WERE a prime article, I tell you, no
mistake there, fit for any market, its generally allowed
there aint the beat of them to be found any where. If
you want a clock, and CAN lay your hands on one of them,
I advise you not to let go the chance; you'll know 'em
by the 'Lowell' mark, for they were all made at Judge
Beler's factory, Squire Shepody, down to Five Islands,
axed me to get him one, and a special job I had of it,
near about more sarch arter it than it was worth, but I
did get him one, and a particular handsome one it is,
copald and gilt superior. I guess its worth ary half
dozen in these parts, let tothers be where they may. If
I could a got supplied with the like o' them, I could a
made a grand spec out of them, for they took at once,
and went off quick. Have you got it with you, said Mr.
Allen, I should like to see it. Yes, I have it here, all
done up in tow, as snug as a bird's egg, to keep it from
jarrin, for it hurts 'em consumedly to jolt 'em over them
are etarnal wooden bridges. But its no use to take it
out, it aint for sale, its bespoke, and I would'nt take
the same trouble to get another for twenty dollars. The
only one that I know of that there's any chance of gettin,
is one that Increase Crane has up to Wilmot, they say
he's a sellin off.
After a good deal of persuasion, Mr. Slick unpacked the
clock, but protested against his asking for it, for it
was not for sale. It was then exhibited, every part
explained and praised, as new in invention and perfect
in workmanship. Now Mr. Allen had a very exalted opinion
of Squire Shepody's taste, judgment, and saving knowledge;
and, as it was the last and only chance of getting a
clock, of such superior quality, he offered to take it
at the price the Squire was to have it, at seven pounds
ten shillings. But Mr. Slick vowed he could'nt part with
it at no rate, he didnt know where he could get the like
agin, (for he warnt quite sure about Increase Crane's)
and the Squire would be confounded disappointed, he
could'nt think of it. In proportion to the difficulties,
rose the ardor of Mr. Allen, his offers advanced to 8
pounds, to 8 pounds 10, to 9 pounds. I vow, said Mr.
Slick, I wish I had'nt let on that I had it at all. I
don't like to refuse you, but where am I to get the like.
After much discussion of a similar nature, he consented
to part with the clock, though with great apparent
reluctance, and pocketed the money with a protest that,
cost what it would, he should have to procure another,
for he could'nt think of putting the Squire's pipe out
arter that fashion, for he was a very clever man, and as
fair as a boot jack. Now, said Mr. Slick, as we proceeded
on our way, that are feller is properly sarved, he got
the most inferior article I had, and I jist doubled the
price on him. Its a pity he should be a tellin of lies
of the Yankees all the time, this will help him now to
a little grain of truth. Then mimicking his voice and
manner, he repeated Allen's words with a strong nasal
twang, "Most time for you to give over the clock trade,
I guess, for by all accounts they aint worth havin, and
most infarnel dear too, folks begin to get their eyes
open." Better for you, if you'd a had yourn open, I
reckon, a joke is a joke, but I concait you'll find that
no joke. The next time you tell stories about Yankee
pedlars, put the wooden clock in with the wooden punkin
seeds, and Hickory hams, will you? The Blue Noses, Squire,
are all like Zeb Allen, they think they know every thing,
but they get gulled from years' eend to years' eend. They
expect too much from others, and do too little for
themselves. They actilly expect the sun to shine, and
the rain to fall, through their little House of Assembly.
What have you done for us? they keep axin their members.
Who did you spunk up to last Session? jist as if all
legislation consisted in attackin some half dozen puss
proud folks at Halifax, who are jist as big noodles as
they be themselves. You hear nothin but politicks,
politicks, politicks, one everlastin sound of give, give,
give. If I was Governor I'd give 'em the butt eend of my
mind on the subject, I'd crack their pates till I let
some light in 'em, if it was me, I know. I'd say to the
members, don't come down here to Halifax with your long
lockrums about politicks, makin, a great touss about
nothin; but open the country, foster agricultur, encourage
trade, incorporate companies, make bridges, facilitate
conveyance, and above all things make a Railroad from
Windsor to Halifax; and mind what I tell you now, write
it down for fear you should forget it, for it's a fact;
and if you don't believe me, I'll lick you till you do,
for there aint a word of a lie in it, by Gum: "ONE SUCH
WORK AS THE WINDSOR BRIDGE IS WORTH ALL YOUR LAWS, VOTES,
SPEECHES AND RESOLUTIONS, FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS, IF TIED
UP AND PUT INTO A MEAL BAG TOGETHER. IF IT TANTE I HOPE
I MAY BE SHOT."