Cumberland Oysters Produce Melancholy Forebodings.
The 'soft sawder' of the Clockmaker had operated effectually
on the beauty of Amherst, our lovely hostess of Pugwash's
Inn: indeed, I am inclined to think, with Mr. Slick, that
'the road to a woman's heart lies through her child,'
from the effect produced upon her by the praises bestowed
on her infant boy. I was musing on this feminine
susceptibility to flattery, when the door opened, and
Mrs. Pugwash entered, dressed in her sweetest smiles and
her best cap, an auxiliary by no means required by her
charms, which, like an Italian sky, when unclouded, are
unrivalled in splendor. Approaching me, she said, with
an irresistible smile, would you like Mr. ---, (here
there was a pause, a hiatus, evidently intended for me
to fill up with my name; but that no person knows, nor
do I intend they shall; at Medley's Hotel, in Halifax,
I was known as the stranger in No. 1. The attention that
incognito procured for me, the importance it gave me in
the eyes of the master of the house, its lodgers and
servants, is indescribable. It is only great people who
travel incog. State travelling is inconvenient and slow;
the constant weight of form and etiquette oppresses at
once the strength and the spirits. It is pleasant to
travel unobserved, to stand at ease, or exchange the full
suit for the undress coat and fatigue jacket. Wherever
too there is mystery there is importance; there is no
knowing for whom I may be mistaken--but let me once give
my humble cognomen and occupation, and I sink immediately
to my own level, to a plebeian station and a vulgar name:
not even my beautiful hostess, nor my inquisitive friend,
the Clockmaker, who calls me 'Squire,' shall extract that
secret!) Would you like, Mr. ---. Indeed, I would, said
I, Mrs. Pugwash; pray be seated, and tell me what it is.
Would you like a dish of superior Shittyacks for supper?
Indeed I would, said I, again laughing; but pray tell me
what it is? Laws me! said she with a stare, where have
you been all your days, that you never heerd of our
Shittyack Oysters? I thought every body had heerd of
them. I beg pardon, said I, but I understood at Halifax,
that the only Oysters in this part of the world were
found on the shores of Prince Edward Island. Oh! dear
no, said our hostess, they are found all along the coast
from Shittyack, through Bay of Vartes, away up to Ramshag.
The latter we seldom get, though the best; there is no
regular conveyance, and when they do come, they are
generally shelled and in kegs, and never in good order.
I have not had a real good Ramshag in my house these two
years, since Governor Maitland was here; he was amazin
fond of them, and Lawyer Talkemdeaf sent his carriage
there on purpose to procure them fresh for him. Now we
can't GET THEM, but we have the Shittyacks in perfection;
say the word, and they shall be served up immediately.
A good dish and an unexpected dish is most acceptable,
and certainly my American friend and myself did ample
justice to the Oysters, which, if they have not so
classical a name, have quite as good a flavor as their
far famed brethren of Milton. Mr. Slick eat so heartily,
that when he resumed his conversation, he indulged in
the most melancholy forebodings.
Did you see that are nigger, said he, that removed the
Oyster shells? well, he's one of our Chesapickers, one
of General Cuffy's slaves. I wish Admiral Cockburn had
a taken them all off our hands at the same rate. We made
a pretty good sale of them are black cattle, I guess, to
the British; I wish we were well rid of 'em all. THE
BLACKS AND THE WHITES in the States show their teeth and
snarl, they are jist ready to fall to. The PROTESTANTS
and CATHOLICS begin to lay back their ears, and turn tail
for kickin. THE ABOLITIONISTS AND PLANTERS are at it like
two bulls in a pastur. MOB LAW AND LYNCH LAW are working
like yeast in a barrell, and frothing at the bung hole.
NULLIFICATION AND TARIFF are like a charcoal pit, all
covered up, but burning inside, and sending out smoke at
every crack, enough to stifle a horse. GENERAL GOVERNMENT
AND STATE GOVERNMENT every now and then square off and
sparr, and the first blow given will bring a genuine
set-to. SURPLUS REVENUE is another bone of contention;
like a shin of beef thrown among a pack of dogs, it will
set the whole on 'em by the ears. You have heerd tell of
cotton rags dipt in turpentine, hav'nt you, how they
produce combustion? Well, I guess we have the elements
of spontaneous combustion among us in abundance; when it
does break out, if you don't see an eruption of human
gore, worse than Etna lava, then I'm mistaken. There'll
be the very devil to pay, that's a fact. I expect the
blacks will butcher the Southern whites, and the
northerners will have to turn out and butcher them again;
and all this shoot, hang, cut, stab, and burn business
will sweeten our folks' temper, as raw meat does that of
a dog--it fairly makes me sick to think on it. The
explosion may clear the air again, and all be tranquil
once more, but its an even chance if it don't leave us
the three steam boat options, to be blown sky high, to
be scalded to death or drowned. If this sad picture you
have drawn, be indeed true to nature, how does your
country, said I, appear so attractive, as to draw to it
so large a portion of our population? It tante its
attraction, said the Clockmaker, its nothin but its power
of suction; it is a great whirlpool--a great vortex--it
drags all the straw, and chips and floatin sticks, drift
wood and trash into it. The small crafts are sucked in,
and whirl round and round like a squirrel in a cage--
they'll never come out. Bigger ones pass through at
certain times of tide, and can come in and out with good
pilotage, as they do at HELL GATE up the Sound. You
astonish me, said I, beyond measure; both your previous
conversations with me, and the concurrent testimony of
all my friends who have visited the States, give a
different view of it. YOUR FRIENDS! said the Clockmaker,
with such a tone of ineffable contempt, that I felt a
strong inclination to knock him down for his insolence
--your friends! Ensigns and leftenants, I guess, from
the British marchin regiments in the Colonies, that run
over five thousand miles of country in five weeks, on
leave of absence, and then return, lookin as wise as the
monkey that had seen the world. When they get back they
are so chock full of knowledge of the Yankees, that it
runs over of itself, like a Hogshead of molasses rolled
about in hot weather--a white froth and scum bubbles out
of the bung; wishy washy trash they call tours, sketches,
travels, letters, and what not; vapid stuff, jist sweet
enough to catch flies, cockroaches, and half fledged
galls. It puts me in mind of my French. I larnt French
at night school one winter, of our minister, Joshua
Hopewell (he was the most larned man of the age, for he
taught himself een amost every language in Europe); well,
next spring, when I went to Boston, I met a Frenchman,
and I began to jabber away French to him: 'Polly woes a
french say,' says I. I don't understand Yankee yet, says
he. You dont understand! says I, why its French. I guess
you didn't expect to hear such good French, did you, away
down east here? but we speak it real well, and its
generally allowed we speak English, too, better than the
British. Oh, says he, you one very droll Yankee, dat
very good joke, Sare; you talk Indian and call it French.
But, says I, Mister Mount shear; it is French, I vow;
real merchantable, without wainy edge or shakes--all
clear stuff; it will pass survey in any market--its ready
stuck and seasoned. Oh, very like, says he, bowin as
polite as a black waiter at New OrLEENS, very like, only
I never heerd it afore; oh, very good French dat--CLEAR
STUFF, no doubt, but I no understand--its all my fault,
I dare say, Sare.
Thinks I to myself a nod is as good as a wink to a blind
horse, I see how the cat jumps--Minister knows so many
languages he hant been particular enough to keep 'em in
separate parcels and mark 'em on the back, and they've
got mixed, and sure enough I found my French was so
overrun with other sorts, that it was better to loose
the whole crop than to go to weedin, for as fast as I
pulled up any strange seedlin, it would grow right up
agin as quick as wink, if there was the least bit of root
in the world left in the ground, so I left it all rot on
the field. There is no way so good to larn French as to
live among 'em, and if you WANT TO UNDERSTAND US, YOU
MUST LIVE AMONG US, TOO; your Halls, Hamiltons, and De
Rouses, and such critters, what CAN they know of us? Can
a chap catch a likeness flying along a rail road? can he
even see the feature? Old Admiral Anson once axed one of
our folks afore our glorious Revolution, (if the British
had a known us a little grain better at that time, they
would'nt have got whipped like a sack as they did then)
where he came from. From the Chesapeeke, said he. Aye,
aye, said the Admiral, from the West Indies. I guess,
said the Southaner, you may have been clean ROUND THE
WORLD, Admiral, but you have been plaguy LITTLE IN IT,
not to know better nor that I shot a wild goose at River
Philip last year, with the rice of Varginey fresh in his
crops he must have cracked on near about as fast as them
other geese, the British travellers. Which know'd the
most of the country they passed over, do you suppose? I
guess it was much of a muchness--near about six of one
and a half dozen of tother; two eyes aint much better
than one, if they are both blind.
No, if you want to know all about us and the Blue Noses
(a pretty considerable share of Yankee blood in them too,
I tell you; the old stock comes from New England, and
the breed is tolerable pure yet, near about one half
apple sarce, and tother half molasses, all except to the
Easterd, where there is a cross of the Scotch,) jist ax
me and I'll tell you candidly. I'm not one of them that
can't see no good points in my neighbor's critter, and
no bad ones in my own; I've seen too much of the world
for that, I guess. Indeed, in a general way, I praise
other folks' beasts, and keep dark about my own. Says I,
when I meet Blue Nose mounted, that's a real smart horse
of yourn, put him out, I guess he'll trot like mad. Well,
he lets him have the spur, and the critter does his best,
and then I pass him like a streak of lightning with mine.
The feller looks all taken aback at that. Why, says he,
that's a real clipper of yourn, I vow. Middlin, says I,
(quite cool, as if I had heard that are same thing a
thousand times,) he's good enough for me, jist a fair
trotter, and nothin to brag of. That goes near about as
far agin in a general way, as a crackin and a boastin
does. Never TELL folks you can go a head on 'em, but DO
it; it spares a great deal of talk, and helps them to
save their breath to cool their broth. No, if you want
to know the inns and the outs of the Yankees--I've wintered
them and summered them; I know all their points, shape,
make and breed; I've tried 'em alongside of other folks,
and I know where they fall short, where they mate 'em,
and where they have the advantage, about as well as some
who think they know a plaguy sight more. It tante them
that stare the most, that see the best always, I guess.
Our folks have their faults, and I know them, (I warnt
born blind, I reckon,) but your friends, the tour writers,
are a little grain too hard on us. Our old nigger wench
had several dirty, ugly lookin children, and was proper
cross to 'em. Mother used to say, 'Juno, its better never
to wipe a child's nose at all, I guess, than to wring it
off.'