Justice Pettifog.
In the morning the Clockmaker informed me that a Justice's
Court was to be held that day at Pugnose's Inn, and he
guessed be could do a little business among the country
folks that would be assembled there. Some of them, he
said, owed him for clocks, and it would save him a world
of travelling, to have the Justice and Constable to drive
them up together. If you want a fat wether, there's
nothing like penning up the whole flock in a corner. I
guess, said he, if General Campbell knew what sort of a
man that are magistrate was, he'd disband him pretty
quick: he's a regular suck egg--a disgrace to the country.
I guess if he acted that way in Kentucky, he'd get a
breakfast of cold lead some morning, out of the small
eend of a rifle, he'd find pretty difficult to digest.
They tell me he issues three hundred writs a year, the
cost of which, including that tarnation Constable's fees,
can't amount to nothing less than 3,000 dollars per annum.
If the Hon. Daniel Webster had him afore a jury, I reckon
he'd turn him inside out, and slip him back again, as
quick as an old stocking. He'd paint him to the life, as
plain to be known as the head of Gineral Jackson. He's
jist a fit feller for Lynch law, to be tried, hanged,
and damned, all at once--there's more nor him in the
country--there's some of the breed in every county in
the Province. Jist one or two to do the dirty work, as
we keep niggers, for jobs that would give a white man
the cholera. They ought to pay his passage, as we do with
such critters, tell him his place is taken in the Mail
Coach, and if he is found here after twenty four hours,
they'd make a carpenter's plumb-bob of him, and hang him
outside the church steeple, to try if it was perpendicular.
He almost always gives judgment for plaintiff, and if
the poor defendant has an offset, he makes him sue it,
so that it grinds a grist both ways for him, like the
upper and lower mill stone.
People soon began to assemble, some on foot, and others
on horseback and in waggons--Pugnose's tavern was all
bustle and confusion--Plaintiffs, Defendants, and witnesses,
all talking, quarreling, explaining, and drinking. Here
comes the Squire, said one--I'm thinking his horse carries
more roguery than law, said another; they must have been
in proper want of timber to make a justice of, said a
third, when they took such a crooked stick as that; sap
headed enough too for refuse, said a stout looking farmer;
may be so, said another, but as bard at the heart as a
log of elm; howsomever, said a third, I hope it wont be
long afore he has the wainy edge scored off of him, any
how. Many more such remarks were made, all drawn from
familiar objects, but all expressive of bitterness and
contempt.
He carried one or two large books with him in his gig,
and a considerable roll of papers. As soon as the
obsequious Mr. Pugnose saw him at the door, he assisted
him to alight, ushered him into the "best room," and
desired the constable to attend "the Squire." The crowd
immediately entered, and the Constable opened the Court
in due form, and commanded silence. Taking out a long
list of causes, Mr. Pettifog commenced reading the
names--James Sharp versus John Slug--call John Slug:
John Slug being duly called and not answering, was
defaulted. In this manner he proceeded to default some
20 or 30 persons; at last he came to a cause, William
Hare versus Dennis O'Brien--call Dennis O'Brien--here
I am, said a voice from the other room--here I am, who
has any thing to say to Dennis O'Brien? Make less noise,
sir, said the Justice, or I'll commit you. Commit me, is
it, said Dennis, take care then, Squire, you don't commit
yourself You are sued by William Hare for three pounds
for a month's board and lodging, what have you to say to
it? Say to it, said Dennis, did you ever hear what Tim
Doyle said when be was going to be hanged for stealing
a pig' says he, if the pig had'nt squeeled in the bag
I'd never have been found out, so I would'nt--so I'll
take warning by Tim Doyle's fate, I say nothing, let him
prove it. Here Mr. Hare was called on for his proof,
but taking it for granted that the board would be admitted,
and the defence opened, he was not prepared with proof.
I demand, said Dennis, I demand an unsuit. Here there
was a consultation between the Justice and the Plaintiff,
when the Justice said, I shall not nonsuit him, I shall
continue the cause. What, hang it up till next Court
--you had better hang me up then at once--how can a poor
man come here so often--this may be the entertainment
Pugnose advertises for horses, but by Jacquers, it is no
entertainment for me--I admit then, sooner than come
again, I admit it. You admit you owe him three pounds
then for a month's board? I admit no such thing, I say
I boarded with him a month, and was like Pat Moran's cow
at the end of it, at the lifting, bad luck to him. A
neighbour was here called who proved that the three pounds
might be the usual price. And do you know I taught his
children to write at the school, said Dennis--you might,
answered the witness--and what is that worth? I don't
know--you don't know, faith I believe you're right, said
Dennis, for if the children are half as big rogues as
the father, they might leave writing alone, or they'd be
like to be hanged for forgery. Here Dennis produced his
account for teaching five children, two quarters, at 9
shillings a quarter each, 4 pounds 10s. I am sorry, Mr.
O'Brien, said the Justice, very sorry, but your defence
will not avail you, your account is too large for one
Justice, any sum over three pounds must be sued before
two magistrates--but I only want to offset as much as
will pay the board--it can't be done in this shape, said
the magistrate; I will consult Justice Dolittle, my
neighbour, and if Mr. Hare won't settle with you, I will
sue it for you. Well, said Dennis, all I have to say
is, that there is not so big a rogue as Hare on the whole
river, save and except one scoundrel who shall be nameless,
making a significant and humble bow to the Justice. Here
there was a general laugh throughout the Court--Dennis
retired to the next room to indemnify himself by another
glass of grog, and venting his abuse against Hare and
the Magistrate. Disgusted at the gross partiality of the
Justice, I also quitted the Court, fully concurring in
the opinion, though not in the language, that Dennis was
giving utterance to in the bar room.
Pettifog owed his elevation to his interest at an election.
It is to be hoped that his subsequent merits will be as
promptly rewarded, by his dismissal from a bench which
he disgraces and defiles by his presence.