(A STUDY IN HYDE PARK.)
_The Scene is that Forum for Fadmongers--the angle of the Park
fronting Cumberland Gate. A large and utterly irreverent crowd is
listening with cheerful intolerance to a Persevering Gentleman, of a
highly respectable and almost scholarly appearance, who is addressing
them from a three-legged stool on nothing in particular, though he has
apparently committed himself by charging a certain Statesman with at
least two political murders._
_The Orator_ (_haltingly_). We who are fighting the
battle--(_uproarious laughter from_ Crowd, _which he endures with
dignified resignation_)--I say--we who are fighting the battle!
_The Crowd._ 'Oo's talking about fightin' a battle?... _You_ wouldn't
be 'ere if there was any battles about! 'E's a fair ole fraud, 'e
is--that's about 'is sort! Shet up, you idiotic ole ass, do! (&c.,
&c.)
_The Orator_ (_patiently_). I say once more--we who are fighting
the----(_Howls of derision, at which he smiles, but perceives,
regretfully, that the battle must be abandoned._) One of my friends
here has seen fit to describe me as an idiotic old ass. ("_So you
are!_") Well, I am glad, at least, that he pronounced it _ass_ with
the vowel short, and not ass, for it shows that he has at least a
certain regard for the Queen's English (_The_ Crowd _hasten to
give the vowel sound all the breadth in their power_). I think I
was--(_here he consults a sheaf of notes_)--offering some remarks upon
Mr. WILLIAM WOBLER. Now we are told, "Speak evil of no man!"
_The Crowd._ That's a good un! 'Oo spoke evil of Mr. BAGWIND jest now?
_The Orator_ (_mildly hurt_). I never said a single unkind word about
Mr. BAGWIND!
_The Crowd._ Yer lie! Why, didn't you say as he murdered JETTISON and
SCAPEGOAT? Wot yer call _that_, eh?
_The Orator._ I may have made some such observation--but far be it
from me to speak evil of any man. If I spoke evil, it was on public
grounds. I should scorn to attack any individual in his private
character. I think I have satisfactorily answered _that_ matter. And I
tell you this--it is largely owing to me that Mr. WILLIAM WOBLER owes
his seat in Parliament to-day! (_His hearers receive this with frank
incredulity._) Ah, but it _is_, though, and I denounce him, as I have
denounced him before, and _shall_ denounce him while I have power to
raise my voice, as a man who has proved himself utterly unworthy of
the efforts I have made on his behalf. Some people are saying they
want THOMAS TIDDLER in North Paddington. I say--_Never!_ Not as long
as I've breath in my body shall THOMAS TIDDLER be returned for any
constituency! No, gentlemen: here I stand before you, with no money,
and only one lung. I have rich and high relations, to whom I might
apply for relief if I condescended to do so; but I scorn to abase
myself in any such manner. I prefer to appeal to you, the people of
London. It's a disgrace--a public disgrace--that you people should
allow such a man as myself to walk the streets without food! (_A
voice._ "Why don't yer _work_?") Work? Am I _not_ working? Am I not in
my proper place here to-night?
_The Crowd_ (_with hearty unanimity_). No!
_The Orator_ (_with exultation_). Then support me in the name of all
you hold dear! I have my work to accomplish, and I _shall_ accomplish
it by the aid of the People's pence, by the aid of the People's
sixpences,--aye, and by the aid of the People's _shillings_! _Will_
you help me?
_The Crowd_ (_more heartily than ever_). No!
_The Orator._ Then I will now proceed to make a collection.
[_He descends from his stool, and circulates among the crowd
proffering a highly respectable hat. A_ Rival Orator _mounts the
stool; he has a straw hat, side whiskers, and a style of concentrated
and withering invective_.
_The Rival Orator_ (_fluently, and with much enjoyment of his own
eloquence_). I shall preface what I have to say by protesting in the
strongest terms at my disposal against the most disgraceful attack we
have had the pain of listening to to-night, against the character of
a Statesman we all revere, by the unspeakably offensive and degraded
individual with a black coat, a clean collar, and only one lung,
who has just concluded his contemptible remarks, and is now debasing
himself, if possible, still further by going round cringing, actually
cringing, for the miserable halfpence which he hopes his foul-mouthed
virulence will extract from the more foolish among his hearers!
(_Applause at this spirited opening; the_ First Orator _imperturbably
continues to protrude his hat_.) I have no hesitation in saying that
if such language as he has favoured us with was uttered against a
public man in any other community, in any other country, in any other
hemisphere in the civilized globe, the audience would have risen in
righteous indignation, and chased the cowardly aggressor back to
the vile den from whose obscurity he would have done better never to
emerge! Gentlemen, he has appealed to your sympathy on the ground,
forsooth, that he has only one lung! I venture to assert that it is
nothing short of a public calamity that he _is_ the possessor of
one lung; for had he none at all, he would have been incapable of
outraging the general intelligence by the utterance of such sentiments
as he has disgusted you by this evening. When I first became
acquainted with this man, before he had sunk into the besotted state
in which he now wallows, he used, I remember, to condemn the practice
of making a public collection. Now I've never been against that
practice myself. _I_ hold that a man who is capable of attracting
an audience by such gifts of oratory as he may possess, is perfectly
justified in making a collection afterwards, whether he requires the
money or not. But this person has become so degraded, so destitute of
any sense of honour, so soaked and sodden with gin, that he now turns
round on the principles he once professed, and is to be seen going
round with a hat laden with the coppers of those who are infinitely
worse off than--judging from his dress and prosperous appearance--he
evidently is himself!
_The First Orator_ (_exhibiting his empty hat_). It don't look much
like it at present, GABBITT!
_Mr. Gabbitt._ He has boasted to you of having rich relations, and
said he scorned to apply to them. I want to know why, instead of
coming here begging to you, he _don't_ go to them?
_The First Orator._ I've _been_, GABBITT.
_Mr. G._ (_triumphantly_). You hear? he's been to them. That proves
they've found him out; they know him for the grovelling soaker he is,
a wretch tottering on the verge of delirium tremens, and, rightly,
they'll have nothing to do with him. It's very possible, gentlemen,
that he _may_ have rich relations in the place where most of us have
rich relations--I refer to the workhouse! (_Cheers and laughter._)
And it is this wretch, this indescribable mixture of meanness and
malignity, who has dared to come here and charge Mr. BAGWIND with
crime! He asked you--and let him not deny it now--"What about Mr.
SCAPEGOAT?" Well, there may be a good many things about Mr. SCAPEGOAT,
but what I tell _you_ is--an observation like that is one that doesn't
convey any concrete idea whatever; in short, it is the observation of
a drivelling and confirmed lunatic!
[Illustration: "I say--_Never!_"]
_Voice in the Crowd._ With on'y one lung; don't forgit that, ole man!
_Mr. G._ (_magnanimously_). No, I've done with his lung, now; it
doesn't do to carry personalities too far, and I've disposed of that
already, and have no desire to return to it. And, as I observe that
the wretched object of the strictures which I have felt it my duty
to express, has concluded his efforts with the hat, and met with the
freezing contempt and indifference which are only to be expected from
intelligent and fair-minded men like yourselves, I will now bring my
exposure of the sophistries, the base insinuations, and the
incoherent maunderings which he had the effrontery to impose upon your
understandings as argument, to a premature close, and proceed to make
a collection on my own account, and thereby afford you the opportunity
of showing on which side your real sympathies and your confidence are
enlisted.
[_He goes round with the straw hat, which his delighted audience fill
liberally with the coppers that the previous speaker has ignominiously
failed to extract from them. But the tender-hearted Reader may be
relieved to hear that, as soon as the crowd has dispersed, the victor
shares the proceeds of his eloquence in the handsomest manner with his
adversary, who shows a true elevation of mind in betraying no
abiding resentment at his oratorical defeat. So may all such contests
terminate--as, for that matter, they generally do._
* * * * *
"THE PLAY IS NOT THE THING."
(_A Farce which is running in most of the London Theatres, but which
should not be tolerated for a single Night._)
SCENE--_Auditorium of the T. R.----during the performance of a Modern
Comedy. Enter a party of four_ Playgoers _into private box_.
_First Playgoer._ Rather a pity it has begun! I always like to see a
play from first to last. Don't you?
_Second P._ Quite. So much more interesting. Of course if you don't
catch what they say at first, how on earth can you catch the idea of
the plot?
_Third P._ Not that the plot matters much nowadays. All dialogue,
don't you know? Smart hits at somebody, and all that sort of thing.
_Fourth P._ Quite. Really better fun than the other sort of thing.
Much better fun to have to listen to epigrams and all that sort of
thing, than to have to follow something or other with interest.
_Second P._ Quite. In fact, nowadays, you can come in when you like,
and listen to what you like.
_Third P._ Yes, much better plan, than having to take it all in. Think
it a first-rate idea to allow talking all through, instead of keeping
that sort of thing until between the Acts.
_Second P._ Quite. Between the Acts a fellow wants to smoke. Much
jollier to talk when the other fellows are talking too. Divide the
labour with them--half the conversation on one side the Curtain, half
on the other.
_Fourth P._ Capital idea, and much less fatiguing than the old style.
Fancy having to take it all in! Why, ten years ago, one had to get up
a play as if one had to pass an examination in it next morning! Awful
bosh!
_Second P._ Quite. No, it's much jollier to chat. Is there anyone in
the house you know?
_First P._ Only that Johnnie over there! The fellow in the
dinner-jacket, who's gone to sleep. He's rather a sportsman.
(_Applause._) Hallo! What's that row about?
_Third P._ End of the First Act. I say, you fellows, I don't think
there's much in the piece, so far.
_Fourth P._ I am blest if I know what it's all about.
_First P._ More do I.
_Second P._ And I. Why should we stay any longer? Seems awful rot.
_Fourth P._ Quite. Let's go to a Music-Hall, where we can smoke and
chat.
_First P._ Quite.
[_Exeunt the party, to the great relief of the remainder of the
Audience._
_Curtain._
* * * * *
[Illustration: PESSIMISM v. OPTIMISM.
(_From the City._)
"YOU'RE GETTING QUITE A CORPORATION, BROWN!"
"YES; THE RESULT OF A _CONTENTED MIND_, OLD MAN!"
"NO. YOU MEAN THE RESULT OF A _CONTINUAL FEAST_!"]
* * * * *
AN OMISSION IN LAST WEEK'S CEREMONIAL ACCOUNTED FOR.--It was first
proposed to make a _detour_ from Piccadilly by way of Park Lane,
Stanhope Street, and so forth, round again to Piccadilly. But as H. R.
H. the Duke of YORK pointed out, there was no necessity for specially
visiting May Fair, as from start to finish he took MAY Fair with him.
* * * * *