_Or, the Young Squire, the Unjust Steward, and the Grateful Ratepayer.
An Urban Drama, as lately performed at the County Hall, Spring
Gardens._
(_Enter_ Steward, _bearing plans of a splendid, and expensive,
Palace_.)
_Steward (looking lovingly upon plan)._ Aha! Now shall I triumph,
despite mean Moderates, and cheese-paring Economists, and reluctant
Ratepayers. GR-R-R! how I hate the whole penurious brood! Housed
appropriately I must and will be, though Rate Incidence be as yet
ill-adjusted, and that blessed word Betterment be but an ear-soothing
sound. But hold!--she comes!
_Enter_ Injured, but Beauteous, Ratepayer, _wringing her hands_.
_I. but B. R. (aside)._ Hah! Whom have we here? Merciless Master
D-CK-NS-N, as I'm a living woman! Was't not enough that Vestries
should vex me, Boards o'erburden me, Pedagogues oppress, and Precepts
perplex, but _he_ too must turn against me? (_Aloud._) Give you good
den, Master D.! Hast news of comfort for me?
_Steward (harshly)._ Woman, I know not what _thou_ wilt deem news of
comfort. But if a superb site and a splendid structure (_pointing to
Plan_) have charms for thy something straitened and sordid soul, then,
verily----
_I. but B. R. (shrieking as she catches sight of the Plan, and the
fair round Figures attached thereto)._ Alas, Mr. Steward! 'tis,
as thou sayst, superb--splendid--and, what is more, prodigiously
_expensive_ withal! It is _magnifique_, but it is _not_--Economy!
_Steward (scornfully)._ Expensive? Pooh! What matters a Million or
twain so London's Guardians be well housed?
_I. but B. R._ But, in the words of the old game, where's the money
to come from? Moreover, is it not understood that _all_ Metropolitan
Improvements be postponed till such time as those ghouls of
ground-renters, those ogres of property-owners, are compelled
proportionally to disgorge?
_Steward._ Ahem! Truly so! But verily _this_ matter is exceptional
and urgent. "Who drives fat oxen should himself be fat;" and they
who superintend the People's housing should surely themselves be
adequately, not to say magnificently, housed. As to the money--why,
fear not for thy pockets Dame, which are not yet utterly depleted by
that Briarean blood-sucker, BUMBLE. Why, we shall right soon save the
money in cab-fares, and--ahem!--other comforts and conveniences
for our committees, not to mention the purchasing of supplementary
tenements "at the rate of two houses a year." Oh, be content, Dame;
pay up, and look pleasant! (_Imperatively._)
_I. but B. R. (frantically)._ Alas! Is there, then, no hope? Will _no_
one bring a rescue or two? "Oh, where is County (Council) Guy?"
_Enter the_ Young Squire, _hastily_.
_Young Squire (hurriedly arrived from heavy business and urgent
elsewhere, but impelled by a sense of public duty to intervene on
this occasion)._ HERE!! (_Chord._) Be consoled, Dame--_I_ will protect
thee! And for thee, Sir Steward, what the mischief art up to, with thy
Aladdin Palaces, and thine Odd Millions?
_Steward (confused, and displaying Plan)._ Why, my lord--deeming
it befitting--that so illustrious and important and ubiquitously
influential a Body--as--Ourselves--should have a Local Habitation--as
well as a Name--I have prepared--this little Plan--which, with the
aid--of "a little cheque"--say for a trifle of Two Millions----
_Young Squire (snatching Plan from his grasp and gazing angrily
thereon)._ Aha! A veritable Castle in the Air! An Arabian Nights'
Phantom Palace!! The House that Jack (in Office) _would have_ built!!!
(_Tears it, and treads it under foot._) Nay, Sir Steward, thou hast
much misunderstood thy trust. The housing of the poor, rather than of
the rich, is thy prime function. Attend first to this little list of
Metropolitan Improvements, which cannot be unfamiliar to thine ears
and eyes. Or if _they_ must perforce be postponed until the attainment
of "a fairer adjustment of the incidence of taxation," prythee, _a
fortiori_, postpone also until that uncertain date this precious
scheme for an expensive Municipal Palace, and this premature and
impudent assault upon an already sufficiently depleted Pocket!
_I. but B. R. (clasping her hands in gratitude)._ Ah, thanks, noble
youth! Heaven reward thee for thy magnanimous championship of the poor
gyurl's purse!
_Steward (aside)._ Foiled!!! But no mattah! a time will come!!!
(_Curtain._)
* * * * *
"M. G." AND "G. M."--The first whispered proposal is, we believe,
generally formulated thus, "May I then hope? May I?" But H.R.H. the
Duke of YORK'S proposal must have been even more simple than this,
for hope being changed into certainty, there was only the whispered
question, "MAY GEORGE?" and the gentle answer, "GEORGE MAY." Then--all
ended happily.
* * * * *