ON THE ART OF AGREEABLE AND PROFITABLE CONVERSATION.
There is, perhaps, no accomplishment which will add so much to your
character and influence, as the art of conversing agreeably and well.
To do this, however, requires a cultivated mind, richly stored with
a variety of useful information; a good taste; a delicate sense of
propriety; a good use of language; and an easy and fluent expression.
The most of these requisites can be acquired; and the rest, if
naturally deficient, can be greatly improved. An easy, fluent
expression is sometimes a natural talent; but, when not joined with
a good understanding and a cultivated mind, it degenerates into mere
loquacity. But, in order to be prepared to converse well, you must not
only have your mind _well stored_, but its contents, if I may so speak,
_well arranged_; so that you can at any time call forth its resources,
upon any subject, when they are needed.
One of the principal difficulties, in the way of conversing well, is
a hesitancy of speech--a difficulty of expressing one’s ideas with
ease and grace. This may arise from various causes. It may proceed
from affectation--a desire to speak in fine, showy style. This will
invariably defeat its object. You can never appear, in the eyes of
intelligent and well-bred people, to be what you are not. The more
simple and unaffected your style is, provided it be pure and chaste,
the better you will appear. Affectation will only make you ridiculous.
But the same difficulty may arise from diffidence, which leads to
embarrassment; and embarrassment clouds the memory, and produces
confusion of mind and hesitancy of speech. This must be overcome by
degrees, by cultivating self-possession, and frequenting good society.
The same difficulty may, likewise, arise from the want of a sufficient
command of language to express one’s ideas with ease and fluency. This
is to be obtained by writing; by reading the most pure and classic
authors, such as Addison’s Spectator; and by observing the conversation
of well-educated people. In order to have a good supply of well-chosen
words at ready command, Mr. Whelpley recommends selecting from a
dictionary several hundred words, such as are in most common use, and
required especially in ordinary conversation, writing them down,
and committing them to memory, so as to have them as familiar as the
letters of the alphabet. A professional gentleman informs me, that he
has overcome this difficulty by reading a well-written story till it
becomes trite and uninteresting, and then frequently reading it aloud,
without any regard to the story, but only to the language, in order to
accustom the organs of speech to an easy flow of words. I have no doubt
that such experiments as these would be successful in giving a freedom
and ease of expression, which is often greatly impeded for want of just
the word that is needed at a given time.
There is no species of information but may be available to improve and
enrich the conversation, and make it interesting to the various classes
of people. As an example of this, a clergyman recently informed me
that a rich man, who is engaged extensively in the iron business, but
who is very irreligious, put up with him for the night. The minister,
knowing the character of his guest, directed his conversation to
those subjects in which he supposed him to be chiefly interested. He
exhibited specimens of iron ore, of which he possessed a variety;
explained their different qualities; spoke of the various modes of
manufacturing it; explained the process of manufacturing steel, &c.;
interspersing his conversation with occasional serious reflections on
the wisdom and goodness of God, in providing so abundantly the metals
most necessary for the common purposes of life, and thus leading the
man’s mind “from Nature up to Nature’s God.” The man entered readily
into the conversation, appeared deeply interested, and afterwards
expressed his great admiration of the minister. The man was prejudiced
against ministers. This conversation may so far remove his prejudices
as to open his ear to the truth. But all this the minister was enabled
to do, by acquainting himself with a branch of knowledge which many
would suppose to be of no use to a minister. By conversing freely with
all sorts of people upon that which chiefly interests them, you may
not only secure their good-will, but greatly increase you own stock
of knowledge. There is no one so ignorant but he may, in this way,
add something to your general information; and you may improve the
opportunity it gives to impart useful information, without seeming to
do it.
RULES FOR CONVERSATION.
I. Avoid _affectation_.--Instead of making you appear to better
advantage, it will only expose you to ridicule.
II. Avoid _low expressions_.--There is a dialect peculiar to low
people, which you cannot imitate without appearing as if you were
yourself low-bred.
III. Avoid _provincialisms_.--There are certain expressions peculiar to
particular sections of the country. For example, in New England, many
people are in the habit of interlarding their conversation with the
phrase, “_You see_.” In Pennsylvania and New York, the same use is made
of “_You know_.” And in the West and South, phrases peculiar to those
sections of the country are still more common and ludicrous. Avoid all
these expressions, and strive after a pure, chaste, and simple style.
IV. Avoid all _ungrammatical_ expressions.
V. Avoid _unmeaning exclamations_, as, “O my!” “O mercy!” &c.
VI. Never speak unless you have _something to say_.--“A word fitly
spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”
VII. Avoid _prolixity_.--Make your language concise and perspicuous,
and strive not to prolong your speech beyond what is necessary,
remembering that others wish to speak as well as yourself. Be sparing
of anecdote; and only resort to it when you have a good illustration
of some subject before the company, or when you have a piece of
information of general interest. To tell a story well, is a great art.
To be tedious and prolix in story-telling, is insufferable. To avoid
this, do not attempt to relate every minute particular; but seize
upon the grand points. Take the following specimen of the relation of
the same incident by two different persons:--“You see, I got up this
morning, and dressed myself, and came down stairs, and opened the
front door; and O, if it didn’t look beautiful! For, you see, the sun
shone on the dew,--the dew, you know, that hangs in great drops on the
grass in the morning. Well, as the sun shone on the dewdrops, it was
all sparkling, like so many diamonds; and it looked so inviting, you
see, I thought I must have a walk. So, you see, I went out into the
street, and got over the fence,--the fence, you know, the back side of
the barn. Well, I got over it, and walked into the grove, and there
I heard the blue jay, and cock-robin, and ever so many pretty birds,
singing so sweetly. I went along the foot-path to a place where there
is a stump,--the great stump, you know, James, by the side of the path.
Well, there,--O, my!--what should I see, but a gray squirrel running up
a tree!”
How much better the following:--“Early this morning, just as the sun
was peeping over the hill, and the green grass was all over sparkling
with diamonds, as the sun shone upon the dewdrops, I had a delightful
walk in the grove, listening to the sweet music of the birds, and
watching the motions of a beautiful gray squirrel, running up a tree,
and hopping nimbly from branch to branch.” Here is the story, better
told, in less than half the words.
Never specify any particulars which would readily be understood
without. In the relation of this incident, all the circumstances
detailed in the first specimen, previous to entering the grove, are
superfluous; for if you were in the grove early in the morning, you
could not get there without getting out of your bed, dressing yourself,
opening the door, going into the street, and getting over the fence.
The moment you speak of being in the grove early in the morning,
the mind of the hearer supplies all these preliminaries; and your
specifying them only excites his impatience to get at the point of your
story. Be careful, also, that you never relate the same anecdote the
second time to the same company; neither set up a laugh at your own
story.
VIII. Never interrupt others while they are speaking. Quietly wait
till they have finished what they have to say, before you reply. To
interrupt others in conversation is very unmannerly.
IX. You will sometimes meet with very talkative persons, who are not
disposed to give you a fair chance. _Let them talk on._ They will be
better pleased, and you will save your words and your feelings.
X. Avoid, as much as possible, _speaking of yourself_.--When we meet a
person who is always saying _I_, telling what he has done, and how he
does things, the impression it gives us of him is unpleasant. We say,
“He thinks he knows every thing, and can teach every body. He is great
in his own eyes. He thinks more of himself than of every body else.”
True politeness leads us to keep ourselves out of view, and show an
interest in other people’s affairs.
XI. Endeavor to make your conversation _useful_.--Introduce some
subject which will be profitable to the company you are in. You feel
dissatisfied when you retire from company where nothing useful has been
said. But there is no amusement more interesting, to a sensible person,
than intelligent conversation upon elevated subjects. It leaves a happy
impression upon the mind. You can retire from it, and lay your head
upon your pillow with a quiet conscience.