she kept as it ought to be kept; and as some part of it was frequently
employed in works of mercy, the hour she allotted to visiting the
neighbouring poor was occasionally supplied from this day, and added to
her fund.
But I must observe, that when in her grandfather's lifetime she was three
or four weeks at a time his housekeeper or guest, as also at either of
her uncles, her usual distribution of time was varied; but still she had
an eye to it as nearly as circumstances would admit.
When I had the happiness of having her for my guest, for a fortnight or
so, she likewise dispensed with her rules in mere indulgence to my
foibles, and idler habits; for I also, (though I had the benefit of an
example I so much admired) am too much of a modern. Yet, as to morning
risings, I had corrected myself by such a precedent, in the summer-time;
and can witness to the benefit I found by it in my health: as also to the
many useful things I was enabled, by that means, with ease and pleasure,
to perform. And in her account-book I have found this memorandum, since
her ever-to-be-lamented death:--'From such a day, to such a day, all
holidays, at my dear Miss Howe's.'--At her return--'Account resumed, such
a day,' naming it; and then she proceeded regularly, as before.
Once-a-week she used to reckon with herself; when, if within the 144
hours, contained in the six days, she had made her account even, she
noted it accordingly; if otherwise, she carried the debit to the next
week's account; as thus:--Debtor to the article of the benevolent visits,
so many hours. And so of the rest.
But it was always an especial part of her care that, whether visiting or
visited, she showed in all companies an entire ease, satisfaction, and
cheerfulness, as if she had kept no such particular account, and as if
she did not make herself answerable to herself for her occasional
exceedings.
This method, which to others will appear perplexing and unnecessary, her
early hours, and custom, had made easy and pleasant to her.
And indeed, as I used to tell her, greatly as I admired her in all
methods, I could not bring myself to this, might I have had the world for
my reward.
I had indeed too much impatience in my temper, to observe such a
regularity in accounting between me and myself. I satisfied myself in a
lump-account, as I may call it, if I had nothing greatly wrong to
reproach myself, when I looked back on a past week, as she had taught me
to do.
For she used indulgently to say, 'I do not think ALL I do necessary for
another to do; nor even for myself; but when it is more pleasant for me
to keep such an account, than to let it alone, why may I not proceed in
my supererogatories?--There can be no harm in it. It keeps up my
attention to accounts; which one day may be of use to me in more material
instances. Those who will not keep a strict account, seldom long keep
any. I neglect not more useful employments for it. And it teaches me to
be covetous of time; the only thing of which we can be allowably
covetous; since we live but once in this world; and, when gone, are gone
from it for ever.'
She always reconciled the necessity under which these interventions, as
she called them, laid her, of now-and-then breaking into some of her
appropriations; saying, 'That was good sense, and good manners too, in
the common lesson, When at Rome, do as they do at Rome. And that to be
easy of persuasion, in matters where one could oblige without endangering
virtue, or worthy habits, was an apostolical excellency; since, if a
person conformed with a view of making herself an interest in her
friend's affections, in order to be heeded in greater points, it was
imitating His example, who became all things to all men, that He might
gain some.' Nor is it to be doubted, had life been spared her, that the
sweetness of her temper, and her cheerful piety, would have made virtue
and religion appear so lovely, that her example would have had no small
influence upon the minds and manners of those who would have had the
honour of conversing with her.
O Mr. Belford! I can write no further on this subject. For, looking
into the account-book for other particulars, I met with a most affecting
memorandum; which being written on the extreme edge of the paper, with a
fine pen, and in the dear creature's smallest hand, I saw not before.--
This it is; written, I suppose, at some calamitous period after the day
named in it--help me to curse, to blast the monster who gave occasion for
it!----
APRIL 10. The account concluded!
And with it all my worldly hopes and prospects!
***
I take up my pen; but not to apologize for my execration.--Once more I
pray to God to avenge me of him!--Me, I say--for mine is the loss--her's
the gain.
O Sir! you did not--you could not know her, as I knew her! Never was
such an excellence!--So warm, yet so cool a friend!--So much what I wish
to be, but never shall be!--For, alas! my stay, my adviser, my monitress,
my directress, is gone!--for ever gone!--She honoured me with the title
of The Sister of her Heart; but I was only so in the love I bore her, (a
love beyond a sister's--infinitely beyond her sister's!) in the hatred I
have to every mean and sordid action; and in my love of virtue; for,
otherwise, I am of a high and haughty temper, as I have acknowledged
heretofore, and very violent in my passions.
In short, she was the nearest perfection of any creature I ever knew.
She never preached to me lessons which she practised not herself. She
lived the life she taught. All humility, meekness, self-accusing, others
acquitting, though the shadow of the fault was hardly hers, the substance
their's, whose only honour was their relation to her.
To lose such a friend--such a guide.--If ever my violence was
justifiable, it is upon this recollection! For she lived only to make me
sensible of my failings, but not long enough to enable me to conquer
them; as I was resolved to endeavour to do.
Once more then let me execrate--but now violence and passion again
predominate!--And how can it be otherwise?
But I force myself from the subject, having lost the purpose for which I
resumed my pen.