My wish, dear Chamisso, is merely to submit myself to thy judgment,
not to endeavor to bias it. I have long passed the severest sentence
on myself, for I have nourished the tormenting worm in my heart. It
hovered during this solemn moment of my life incessantly before my
soul, and I could only lift my eyes to it with a doubting glance, with
humility and contrition. Dear friend, he who in levity only sets his
foot out of the right road, is unawares conducted into other paths,
which draw him downward and ever downward; he then sees in vain the
guiding stars glitter in heaven; there remains to him no choice;
he must descend unpausingly the declivity and become a voluntary
sacrifice to Nemesis. After the hasty false step which had laid the
curse upon me, I had, sinning through love, forced myself into the
fortunes of another being, and what remained for me but that, where
I had sowed destruction, where speedy salvation was demanded of me, I
should blindly rush forward to the rescue?--for the last hour struck!
Think not so meanly of me, my Adelbert, as to imagine that I should
have regarded any price that was demanded as too high, that I should
have begrudged anything that was mine even more than my gold. No,
Adelbert! but my soul was possessed with the most unconquerable
hatred of this mysterious sneaker along crooked paths. I might do him
injustice, but every degree of association with him revolted me. And
here stepped forth, as so frequently in my life, and as in general
so often in the history of the world, an event instead of an action.
Since then I have achieved reconciliation with myself. I have learned,
in the first place, to reverence necessity; and what is more than the
action performed, the event accomplished--her propriety. Then I have
learned to venerate this necessity as a wise Providence, which lives
through that great collective machine in which we officiate simply as
coöperating, impelling, and impelled wheels. What shall be, must be;
what should be, happened, and not without that Providence, which I
ultimately learned to reverence in my own fate and in the fate of
those on whom mine thus impinged.
I know not whether I shall ascribe it to the excitement of my soul
under the impulse of such mighty sensations; or to the exhaustion
of my physical strength, which during the last days such unwonted
privations had enfeebled; or whether, finally, to the desolating
commotion which the presence of this gray fiend excited in my whole
nature--be that as it may, as I was on the point of signing I fell
into a deep swoon and lay a long time as in the arms of death.
Stamping of feet and curses were the first sounds which struck my
ear as I returned to consciousness. I opened my eyes; it was dark; my
detested attendant was busied scolding me. "Is not that to behave like
an old woman? Up with you, man, and complete off-hand what you have
resolved on, if you have not taken another thought and had rather
blubber!" I raised myself with difficulty from the ground and gazed
in silence around. It was late in the evening; festive music resounded
from the brightly illuminated Forester's house; various groups of
people wandered through the garden walks. One couple came near in
conversation, and seated themselves on the bench which I had just
quitted. They talked of the union this morning solemnized between the
rich Mr. Rascal and the daughter of the house. So, then, it had taken
place!
I tore the magic-cap of the already vanished unknown from my head, and
hastened in brooding silence toward the garden gate, plunging myself
into the deepest night of the thicket and striking along the path past
Count Peter's arbor. But invisibly my tormenting spirit accompanied
me, pursuing me with keenest reproaches. "These then are one's thanks
for the pains which one has taken to support Monsieur, who has weak
nerves, through the long precious day. And one shall act the fool in
the play. Good, Mr. Wronghead, fly you from me if you please, but we
are, nevertheless, inseparable. You have my gold and I your shadow,
and this will allow us no repose. Did anybody ever hear of a shadow
forsaking its master? Your's draws me after you till you take it back
again graciously, and I get rid of it. What you have hesitated to do
out of fresh pleasure, will you, only too late, be compelled to seek
through new weariness and disgust. One cannot escape one's fate." He
continued speaking in the same tone. I fled in vain; he relaxed not,
but, ever present, mockingly talked of gold and shadow. I could come
to no single thought of my own.
I struck through empty streets toward my house. When I stood before
it, and gazed at it, I could scarcely recognize it. No light shone
through the dashed-in windows. The doors were closed; no throng of
servants was moving therein. There was a laugh near me. "Ha! ha! so
goes it! But you'll probably find your Bendel at home, for he was the
other day providently sent back so weary that he has most likely kept
his bed since." He laughed again. "He will have a story to tell! Well
then, for the present, good night! We meet again speedily!"
I had rung the bell repeatedly; light appeared; Bendel demanded from
within who rung. When the good man recognized my voice, he could
scarcely restrain his joy. The door flew open and we stood weeping in
each other's arms. I found him greatly changed, weak and ill; but for
me--my hair had become quite gray!
He conducted me through the desolated rooms to an inner apartment
which had been spared. He brought food and wine, and we seated
ourselves, and he again began to weep. He related to me that he the
other day had cudgeled the gray-clad man whom he had encountered with
my shadow, so long and so far that he had lost all trace of me and had
sunk to the earth in utter fatigue; that after this, as he could not
find me, he returned home, whither presently the mob, at Rascal's
instigation, came rushing in fury, dashed in the windows, and
gave full play to their lust of demolition. Thus did they to their
benefactor. The servants had fled various ways. The police had ordered
me, as a suspicious person, to quit the city, and had allowed only
four-and-twenty hours in which to evacuate their jurisdiction. To that
which I already knew of Rascal's affluence and marriage, he had yet
much to add. This scoundrel, from whom all had proceeded that had been
done against me, must, from the beginning, have been in possession of
my secret. It appeared that, attracted by gold, he had contrived to
thrust himself upon me, and at the very first had procured a key to
the gold cupboard, where he had laid the foundation of that fortune
whose augmentation he could now afford to despise.
All this Bendel narrated to me with abundant tears, and then wept for
joy that he again beheld me, again had me; and that after he had long
doubted whither this misfortune might have led me, he saw me bear it
so calmly and collectedly; for such an aspect had despair now assumed
in me. My misery stood before me in its enormity and unchangeableness.
I had wept my last tear; not another cry could be extorted from my
heart; I presented to my fate my bare head with chill indifference.
"Bendel," I said, "thou knowest my lot. Not without earlier blame has
my heavy punishment befallen me. Thou, innocent man, shalt no longer
bind thy destiny to mine. I do not desire it. I leave this very night;
saddle me a horse; I ride alone; thou remainest; it is my will. Here
still must remain some chests of gold; that retain thou; but I will
alone wander unsteadily through the world. But if ever a happier hour
should smile upon me, and fortune look on me with reconciled eyes,
then will I remember thee, for I have wept upon thy firmly faithful
bosom in heavy and agonizing hours."
With a broken heart was this honest man compelled to obey this last
command of his master, at which his soul shrunk with terror. I was
deaf to his prayers, to his representations; blind to his tears. He
brought me out my steed. Once more I pressed the weeping man to my
bosom, sprang into the saddle, and under the shroud of night hastened
from the grave of my existence, regardless which way my horse
conducted me, since I had longer on earth no aim, no wish, no hope.