A LONG GOOD-BYE.
It is an irksome task for a man who has always stood upon his position,
and justified the universal esteem and respect of the neighbourhood, to
have to recount his own falling off, and loss of proper station, without
being able to render for it any cause or reason, except indeed his own
great folly, with fortune too ready to second it. However, as every
downfall has a slope which leads towards it, so in my case small
downhills led treacherously to the precipice. In the first place, the
dog-fish and the sting-rays (which alone came into the nets of our new
association) set me swearing very hard; which, of course, was a trifling
thing, and must have befallen St Peter himself, whose character I can
well understand. But what was wrong in me was this, that after it went
on for a fortnight, and not even a conger turned up, I became proud of
my swearing with practice, instead of praying to be forgiven, which I
always feel done to me, if desired. For my power of words began to
please me--which was a bait of the devil, no doubt--as every tide I felt
more and more that married life had not deprived me of my gift of
language; or, at any rate, that widowership had restored my vigour
promptly.
After this, being a little exhausted, for two days and two nights I
smoked pipes. Not in any mood soever unfit for a Christian; quite the
contrary, and quite ready to submit to any discipline; being ordered
also to lay by, and expect a sign from heaven. And at this time came
several preachers; although I had very little for them, and was grieved
to disappoint their remembrance of the ham that my wife used to keep in
cut. And in so many words I said that now I was bound to the Church by a
contract of a shilling a-week, and if they waited long enough, they
might hear the clock strike--something. This, combined with a crab whose
substance had relapsed to water, and the sign of nothing in my locker
except a pint of peppermint, induced these excellent pastors to go; and
if they shook off (as they declared) the dirt of their feet at me, it
must have been much to their benefit. This trifle, however, heaped up my
grievance, although I thought scorn to think of it; and on the back of
it there came another wrong far more serious. Tidings, to wit, of a
wretched warrant being likely to issue against me from that low tyrant
Anthony Stew, on a thoroughly lying information by one of his own
gamekeepers. It was true enough that I went through his wood, with a
couple of sailors from Porthcawl; by no means with any desire to harm,
but to see if his game was healthy. Few things occur that exalt the mind
more than natural history; and if a man dare not go into a wood, how can
he be expected to improve his knowledge? Tho other men perhaps employed
their means to obtain a more intimate acquaintance with the structure
and methods of various creatures, going on two legs, or going on four;
but as for myself, not so much as a gun did any one see in my hands that
day.
At first I thought of standing it out on the strength of all my glory;
but knowing what testimony is, when it gets into the mouths of
gamekeepers, and feeling my honour concerned, to say nothing of the
other fellows (who were off to sea), also cherishing much experience of
the way Stew handled me, upon the whole I had half a mind to let the
neighbourhood and the county learn to feel the want of me.
Also what Joe Jenkins said perhaps had some effect on me. This was a
young fellow of great zeal, newly appointed to Zoar Chapel, instead of
the steady Nathaniel Edwards, who had been caught sheep-stealing; and
inasmuch as the chapel stood at the western end of the village, next
door to the "Welcome to Town, my Lads," all the maids of Newton ran
mightily to his doctrine. For he happened to be a smart young fellow,
and it was largely put abroad that an uncle of his had a butter-shop,
without any children, and bringing in four pounds a-week at Chepstow.
There is scarcely a day of my life on which I do not receive a lesson:
and the difference betwixt me and a fool is that I receive, and he
scorns it. And a finer lesson I have rarely had than for letting Joe
Jenkins into my well-conducted cottage, for no better reason than that
the "Welcome to Town" was out of beer. I ought to have known much
better, of course, with a fellow too young to shave himself, and myself
a good hearty despiser of schism, and above all having such a fine
connection with the Church of England. But that fellow had such a
tongue--they said it must have come out of the butter. I gave him a
glass of my choicest rum, when all he deserved was a larruping. And I
nearly lost the church-clock through it.
When I heard of this serious consequence, I began to call to mind, too
late, what the chaplain of the Spitfire--32-gun razy--always used to say
to us; and a finer fellow to stand to his guns, whenever it came to
close quarters, I never saw before or since. "Go down, parson, go down,"
we said; "sir, this is no place for your cloth." "Sneaking schismatics
may skulk," he answered, with the powder-mop in his hand; for we had
impressed a Methody, who bolted below at exceeding long range; "but if
my cloth is out of its place, I'll fight the devil naked." This won over
to the side of the Church every man of our crew that was gifted with any
perception of reasoning.
However, I never shall get on if I tell all the fine things I have seen.
Only I must set forth how I came to disgrace myself so deeply that I
could not hope for years and years to enjoy the luxury of despising so
much as a lighterman again. The folk of our parish could hardly believe
it; and were it to be done in any way consistent with my story, I would
not put it on paper now. But here it is. Make the worst of it. You will
find me redeem it afterwards. The famous David Llewellyn, of His
Majesty's Royal Navy, took a berth in a trading-schooner, called the
"Rose of Devon!"
After such a fall as this, if I happened to speak below my mark, or not
describe the gentry well, everybody must excuse me: for I went so low in
my own esteem, that I could not have knocked even Anthony Stew's
under-keeper down! I was making notes, here and there, already,
concerning the matters at Sker House, and the delicate sayings of
Bardie, not with any view to a story perfect and clear as this is, but
for my own satisfaction in case of anything worth going on with. And but
for this forethought, you could not have learned both her sayings and
doings so bright as above. And now being taken away from it, I tried to
find some one with wit enough to carry it on in my absence. In a
populous neighbourhood this might have been; but the only man near us
who had the conceit to try to carry it on a bit, fell into such a
condition of mind that his own wife did not know him. But in spite of
the open state of his head, he held on very stoutly, trying to keep
himself up to the mark with ale, and even Hollands; until it pleased God
that his second child should fall into the chicken-pox; and then all the
neighbours spoke up so much--on account of his being a tailor--that it
came to one thing or the other. Either he must give up his trade, and
let his apprentice have it--to think of which was worse than gall and
wormwood to his wife--or else he must give up all meddling with pen and
ink and the patterns of chicken-pox. How could he hesitate, when he knew
that the very worst tailor can make in a day as much as the best writer
can in a month?
Upon the whole I was pleased with this; for I never could bear that
rogue of a snip, any more than he could put up with me for making my own
clothes and Bunny's. I challenged him once on a buttonhole, for I was
his master without a thimble. And for this ninth part of a man to think
of taking up my pen!
The name of our schooner, or rather ketch--for she was no more than that
(to tell truth), though I wished her to be called a "schooner"--was, as
I said, the "Rose of Devon," and the name of her captain was "Fuzzy."
Not a bad man, I do believe, but one who almost drove me wicked, because
I never could make him out. A tender and compassionate interest in the
affairs of everybody, whom it pleases Providence that we should even
hear of, has been (since our ancestors baffled the Flood, without
consulting Noah) one of the most distinct and noblest national traits of
Welshmen. Pious also; for if the Lord had not meant us to inquire, He
never would have sent us all those fellow-creatures to arouse unallayed
disquietude. But this man "Fuzzy," as every one called him, although his
true name was "Bethel Jose," seemed to be sent from Devonshire for the
mere purpose of distracting us. Concerning the other two
"stone-captains" (as we call those skippers who come for limestone, and
steal it from Colonel Lougher's rocks), we knew as much as would keep us
going whenever their names were mentioned; but as to Fuzzy, though this
was the third year of his trading over, there was not a woman in Newton
who knew whether he had a wife or not! And the public eagerness over
this subject grew as the question deepened; until there were seven of
our best young women ready to marry him, at risk of bigamy, to find out
the matter and to make it known.
Therefore, of course, he rose more and more in public esteem, voyage
after voyage; and I became jealous, perhaps, of his fame, and resolved
to expose its hollow basis, as compared with that of mine. Accordingly,
when it came to pass that my glory, though still in its prime, was
imperilled by that Irish Stew's proceedings--for he must have been Irish
by origin--having my choice (as a matter of course) among the three
stone captains, I chose that very hard stone to crack; and every one
all through the village rejoiced, though bitterly grieved to lose me,
and dreading the price there would be for fish, with that extortionate
Sandy Macraw left alone to create a monopoly. There was not a man in all
Newton that feared to lay half-a-crown to a sixpence that I brought back
the whole of old Fuzzy's concerns: but the women, having tried Skipper
Jose with everything they could think of, and not understanding the odds
of betting, were ready to lay a crooked sixpence on Fuzzy, whenever they
had one.
To begin with, he caught me on the hop; at a moment of rumours and
serious warnings, and thoroughly pure indignation on my part. At the
moment, I said (and he made me sign) that I was prepared to ship with
him. After which he held me fast, and frightened me with the land-crabs,
and gave me no chance to get out of his jaws. I tried to make him laugh
with some of the many jokes and stories, which everybody knows of mine,
and likes them for long acquaintance' sake. However, not one of them
moved him so much as to fetch one squirt of tobacco-juice. This alone
enabled him to take a strong lead over me. Every time that he was bound
to laugh, according to human nature, and yet had neither a wag in his
nose, nor a pucker upon his countenance, nor even so much as a gleam in
his eye, so many times I felt in my heart that this man was the wise
man, and that laughter is a folly. And I had to bottle down the laughs
(which always rise inside of me, whenever my joke has the cream on it)
until I could find some other fellow fit to understand me; because I
knew that my jokes were good.
When I found no means of backing out from that degrading contract, my
very first thought was to do strict justice to our association, and
atone for the loss of my services to it. Therefore, in case of anything
undesirable befalling me--in short, if I should be ordered aloft with no
leave to come down again--there I made my will, and left my property to
establish credit, for a new start among them. Chairs and tables, knives
and forks, iron spoons, brought into the family by my wife's
grandfather, several pairs of duds of my own, and sundry poles, as
before described, also nets to a good extent--though some had gone under
usury--bait-kettles, I forget how many, and even my character in a
silk-bag; item, a great many sundry things of almost equal value; the
whole of which I bravely put into my will, and left them. And knowing
that the proper thing is to subscribe a codicil, therein I placed a set
of delf, and after that my blessing. Eighteenpence I was compelled to
pay for this pious document to a man who had been turned out of the law
because he charged too little. And a better shilling-and-sixpence worth
of sense, with heads and tails to it, his lordship the Bishop of
Llandaff will own that he never set seal upon; unless I make another
one. Only I felt it just to leave my boat entire to Bardie.
Having done my duty thus, I found a bracing strength upon me to go
through with everything. No man should know how much I felt my violent
degradation from being captain of a gun, to have to tread mercantile
boards! Things have changed since then so much, through the parsimony of
Government, that our very best sailors now tail off into the Merchant
service. But it was not so, when I was young; and even when I was turned
of fifty, we despised the traders. Even the largest of their vessels, of
four or as much as five hundred tons, we royal tars regarded always as
so many dust-bins with three of the clothes-props hoisted. And now, as I
looked in the glass, I beheld no more than the mate of a fifty-ton
ketch, for a thirty-mile voyage out of Newton bay!
However, I had lived long enough then to be taught one simple thing.
Whatever happens, one may descry (merely by using manly aspect) dawning
glimpses of that light which the will of God intended to be joy for all
of us; but so scattered now and vapoured by our own misdoings, still it
will come home some time, and then we call it "comfort."
Accordingly, though so deeply fallen in my own regard, I did not find
that people thought so very much the less of me. Nay, some of them even
drove me wild, by talking of my "rise in life," as if I had been a pure
nobody! But on the whole we learned my value, when I was going away from
us. For all the village was stirred up with desire to see the last of
me. My well-known narratives at the well would be missed all through the
autumn; and those who had dared to call them "lies," were the foremost
to feel the lack of them. Especially the children cried "Old Davy going
to be drownded! No more stories at the well!" Until I vowed to be back
almost before they could fill their pitchers.
These things having proved to me, in spite of inordinate modesty, that I
had a certain value, I made the very best of it; and let everybody know
how much I wished to say "Good-bye" to them, although so short of money.
From "Felix Farley" I had received no less than seven-and-tenpence--for
saving the drowned black people--under initials "D. L." at the office;
accruing to a great extent from domestic female servants. Some of these
craved my candid opinion as to accepting the humble addresses of
coloured gentlemen in good livery, and whether it made so much
difference. And now I thought that Newton might have a mark of esteem
prepared for me.
But though they failed to think of that--purely from want of
experience--everything else was done that could be done for a man who
had no money, by his neighbours who had less; and sixpence never entered
twice into the thoughts of any one. Richard Matthews, the pilot,
promised to mind the church-clock for me, without even handling my
salary. As for Bunny, glorification is the shortest word I know. A young
man, who had never paid his bill, put her into two-inch ribbon from the
Baptist preacher's shop. Also a pair of shoes upon her, which had right
and left to them, although not marked by nature. And upon the front of
her bosom, lace that made me think of smuggling; and such as that young
man never could have expected to get booked to him, if he had felt
himself to be more than a month converted.
Moreover, instead of Mother Jones (who was very well in her way, to be
sure), the foremost folk in all the village, and even Master Charles
Morgan himself, carpenter and churchwarden, were beginning to vie, one
with the other, in desire to entertain her, without any word of her
five-pound note. In short, many kind things were said and done; enough
to make any unbashful man desire to represent them. But I, for my part,
was quite overcome, and delivered my speech with such power of doubt
concerning my own worthiness, that they had to send back to the inn
three times, before they could properly say "Good-bye."