Josiah Allen has got a sort of a natural hankerin’ after makin’ money
easy. A sort of a speculatin’ turn to his mind, which most men have. But
not havin’ the other ingregiences that go with it to make it a success,
his speculations turn out awful, 2 episodes of which I will relate and
set down. One pleasant evenin’ Josiah had jest got back from carryin’
Kitty Smith to Tirzah Ann’s. Tirzah Ann had sent for her to stay a spell
with her. And Josiah had got back and put the horses out, and sot by the
fire a meditatin’ to all outward appearance. When all of a sudden he
broke out and says:
“Samantha, I love to make money easy.”
“Do you?” says I, in a mechanicle way, for I was bindin’ off the heel of
a sock of hisen, and my mind was sort o’ drawed out by that heel, and
strained.
“Yes,” says he, crossin’ his legs, and lookin’ dretful wise at me, “Yes,
I love to, like a dog. I love to kinder speculate.”
I had bound off the last stitch, and my mind bein’ free it soared up
noble agin, and I says firmly and impressively:
“Good, honest hard work is the best speculation I ever went into, Josiah
Allen.”
“Yes,” says he, with that same dretful wise look, “wimmen naterally feel
different about these things. Wimmen haint got such heads onto ’em as we
men have got. We men love to make money by a speck. We love to get rich
by head work.”
I jest give one look onto his bald head, a strange, searchin’ look, that
seemed to go right through his brains and come out the other side. I
didn’t say anything, only jest that look, but that spoke (as it were)
loud.
He looked kinder meachin’, and hastened to explain.
“I am goin’ to fix up that old house of our’n, Samantha, and rent it,”
says he. “I am goin’ to make piles and piles of money out of it, besides
the comfort we can take a neighborin’.” “And,” says he, “I love to—to
neighbor, Samantha—I love to deerly.”
Says I in calm tones, but firm: “There are worse neighbors, Josiah
Allen, than them that are livin’ in the old house now.”
“Livin’ there now?” says he. And his eyes stood out from ¼ to a ½ a inch
in surprise and horrer.
“Yes,” says I, “you’ll find, Josiah Allen, that take it right along from
day to day, and from year to year, that there are worse creeters to
neighbor with than Peace, and Quiet, and Repose.”
“Dummit! scare a man to death, will you?”
Says I: “Stop swearin’ to once, Josiah Allen, and instantly!”
My mean was lofty and scareful, and he stopped. But he went on in a firm
and obstinate axent: “I am determined to fix up that house and rent it.
Wimmen can’t see into business. They haint got the brains for it. You
haint to blame for it, Samantha, but you haint got the head to see how
profitable I am goin’ to make it. And then our nearest neighbors live
now well onto a quarter of a mile away. How neat it will be to have
neighbors right here by us, all the time, day and night.” And agin he
says dreamily: “If I ever loved anything in this world, Samantha, I love
to neighbor.”
But I held firm, and told him he’d better let well enough alone. But he
was sot as sot could be, and went on and fixed up the house. It was a
old house right acrost the road from our’n. One that was on the place
when we bought it. All shackly and run down; nobody had lived in it for
years. And I knew it wouldn’t pay to spend money on it. But good land!
he wouldn’t hear a word to me. He went on a fixin’ it, and it cost him
nearer a hundred dollars than it did anything else—besides lamin’
himself, and blisterin’ his hands to work on it himself, and fillin’ his
eyes with plaster, and gettin’ creeks in his back, a liftin’ round and
repairin’.
[Illustration]
But he felt neat through it all. It seemed as if the more money he laid
out, and the worse he got hurt, the more his mind soared up, a lottin’
on how much money he was goin’ to make a rentin’ it, and what a
beautiful time he was a goin’ to enjoy a neighborin’. He would talk
about neighborin’ most the hull time days, and would roust me up nights
if he happened to think of any new and happifyin’ idea on the subject.
Till if ever I got sick of any word in the hull dictionary, I got sick
of that.
Well, jest as quick as the house was done, and he pushed the work on
rapid and powerful, fairly drove it, he was in such a hurry, nothin’ to
do but he must set off huntin’ up a renter, for he couldn’t seem to wait
a minute. I told him to keep cool. Says I “You’ll make money by it if
you do.”
But no! he couldn’t wait till somebody come to him. He wouldn’t hear a
word to me. He’d throw wimmen’s heads in my face, and say they was week,
and wuzn’t like men’s. He was so proud and haughty about the speck he
had gone into, and the piles and piles of money he was goin’ to make,
that once or twice he told me that I hadn’t no head at all. And then
he’d hitch up the old mare, and go off a huntin’ round and enquirin’.
And finally one day he come home from Jonesville tickled to death
seeminly. He’d found a family and engaged ’em—Jonathan Spinks’es folks.
They was to Jonesville a stayin’ with Miss Spinks’es sister, Sam
Thrasher’s wife, and they had heerd of Josiah’s huntin’ round; so they
hailed him as he was a goin’ by, and engaged it, made the bargain right
there on the spot. And as I said, he was tickled to death almost, and
says to me in a highlarius axent:
“They are splendid folks, Samantha.”
Says I in very cold tones: “Are they the Spinkses that used to live to
Zoar?”
“Yes,” says he. “And they are a beautiful family, and I have made a
splendid bargain. 50 dollars a year for the house and garden. What do
you think now? I never should have known they was a lookin’ for a house
if I hadn’t been a enquirin’ round. What do you think now about my
keepin’ cool?”
Says I mildly, but firmly: “My mind haint changed from what it wuz more
formally.”
“Wall, what do you think now about my lettin’ the old house run down,
when I can make 50 dollars a year, clear gain, besides more’n three
times that in solid comfort a-neighberin’?”
Says I, firm as a rock, “My mind hain’t changed, Josiah Allen, so much
as the width of a horsehair.”
“Wall,” says he, “I always said wimmen hadn’t no heads, I always knew
it. But it is agravatin’, it is dumb agravatin’, when anybody has done
the head-work I have done, and made such a bargain as I have made, to
not have anybody’s wife appreciate it. And I should think it was about
time to have supper, if you are goin’ to have any to-night.”
[Illustration: ARRIVAL OF THE SPINKSES.]
I calmly rose and put on the teakettle, and never disputed a word with
him whether I had a head or not. Good land! I knew I had one, and what
was the use of arguin’ about it? And I didn’t say nothin’ more about his
bargain, for I see it wouldn’t do no good. ’Twas all settled, and the
writin’s drawed. But I kep’ up a severe thinkin’. I had heard of
Spinks’es folks before. It had come right straight to me. Miss Ebenezer
Gowdey, she that was Nabby Widrick, her nephew’s wive’s step-mother, old
Miss Tooler, had lived neighber to ’em. And Miss Tooler told Nabby, and
Nabby told me, that they was shiftless creeters. But when bargains are
all made, it is of no use tryin’ to convince Josiahs. And I knew if I
should tell Josiah what I had heard he’d only go to arguin’ agin that I
hadn’t no head. So I didn’t say nothin’. And the next day they moved in.
It seems they had brought all their things to Thrashers’es. They said
the house they had been livin’ in to Zoar was so uncomfortable they
couldn’t stay in it a day longer. But we heard afterwards—Miss Tooler
told Nabby Gowdey with her own lips—that they was smoked out. The man
that owned the house smoked ’em out to get rid of ’em.
Wall, as I said, they come. Mr. Spink, his wife, and his wife’s sister
(she was Irish), and the childern. And oh! how neat Josiah Allen did
feel. He was over there before they had hardly got sot down, and offered
to do anything under the sun for ’em, and offered ’em everything we had
in the house. I, myself, kep’ cool and collected together. Though I
treated ’em in a liberal way, and in the course of two or three days I
made ’em a friendly call, and acted well towards ’em.
But instead of runnin’ over there the next day, and two or three times a
day, I made a practice of stayin’ to home considerable; and Josiah took
me to do for it. But I told him I treated them exactly as I wanted them
to treat me. Says I, “A mejum course is the best course to pursue in
nearly every enterprise in life, neighberin’ especially. I begin as I
can hold out. I lay out to be kind and friendly to ’em, but I don’t
intend to make it my home with them, nor do I want them to make it their
home with me. Once in two or three days is enough, and enough, Josiah
Allen, is as good as a feast.”
“Wall,” says he, “if I ever enjoyed anything in this world I enjoy
neighberin’ with them folks. And they think the world of me. It beats
all how they worship me. The childern take to me so, they don’t want me
out of their sight hardly a minute. Spink and his wife says they think
it is in my looks. You know I _am_ pretty lookin’, Samantha. They say
the baby will cry after me so quick. It beats all what friends we have
got to be, I and the Spinkses, and it is agravatin’, Samantha, to think
you don’t seem to feel towards ’em that strong friendship that I feel.”
Says I, “Friendship, Josiah Allen, is a great word. True friendship is
the most beautiful thing on earth; it is love without passion,
tenderness without alloy. And,” says I, soarin’ up into the realm of
allegory, where, on the feathery wings of pure eloquence, I fly
frequent, “Intimacy hain’t friendship. Two men may sleep together, year
after year, on the same feather-bed, and wake up in the mornin’, and
shake hands with each other, perfect strangers, made so unbeknown to
them. And feather-beds, nor pillers, nor nothin’ can’t bring ’em no
nigher to each other. And they can keep it up from year to year, and
lock arms and prominade together through the day, and not get a mite
closer to each other. They can keep their bodies side by side, but their
souls, who can tackle ’em together, unless nature tackled ’em, unbeknown
to them? Nobody. And then, agin, two persons may meet, comin’ from each
side of the world; and they will look right through each other’s eyes
down into their souls, and see each other’s image there; born so, born
friends, entirely unbeknown to them. Thousands of milds apart, and all
the insperations of heaven and earth; all the influences of life,
education, joy, and sorrow, has been fitting them for each other
(unbeknown to them): twin souls, and they not knowin’ of it.”
[Illustration: YOKED BUT NOT MATED.]
“Speakin’ of twin—” says Josiah.
But I was soarin’ too high to light down that minute. So I kep’ on,
though his interruption was a-lowerin’ me down gradual.
“There is a great filisofical fact right here, Josiah Allen,” says I,
tryin’ to bring down and fit the idee to my pardner’s comprehension, for
it is ever my way to try to convince, as well as to soar in oritory.
“You may yoke up the old mare and the brindle cow together and drive ’em
year after year in a buggy. But you can’t make that horse into a cow, or
make that old cow whinner. It can’t be done. And two wimmen may each of
’em have half a shear, and think they will screw ’em together and save
property, and cut some with ’em. But if one of them halves is 2 or 3
inches shorter than the other, and narrower, how be they goin’ to cut
with ’em? All the screws and wrenches in creation can’t do no more than
hold ’em together. It hain’t no use if they wuzn’t made to fit each
other in the first place, unbeknown to them.” Says I, “Some folks are
j’ined together for life in jest that way, drawn together by some sort
of influence, worldly considerations, blind fancy, thoughtlessness, and
the minister’s words fasten ’em, jest as these shears was. But good
land! after the vapory, dreamy time of the honeymoon is passed through,
and the heavy, solid warp and woof of life lays before ’em for them to
cut a path through it, they’ll find out whether they fit each other or
not. And if they don’t, it is tejus business for ’em, extremely tejus,
and they’ll find it out so.”—“Speakin’ of twin—” says Josiah.
[Illustration: JOSIAH NEIGHBORS.]
His persistent and stiddy follerin’ up of his own train of thought, and
the twin, was lowerin’ me down now awful fast, and says I, sort o’
concludin’ up, “Be good and kind to everybody, and Mr. Spinks’es folks,
as you have opportunity; but before you make bosom friends of ’em, wait
and see if your soul speaks.” Says I, firmly, “Mine don’t, in this
case.”
“Speakin’ of twin,” says Josiah agin, “Did you ever see so beautiful a
twin as Mr. Spinks’es twin is? What a pity they lost the mate to it!
Their ma says it is perfectly wonderful the way that babe takes to me. I
held it all the while she was ironin’, this forenoon. And the two boys
foller me round all day, tight to my heels, instead of their father.
Spink says they think I am the prettiest man they ever see, almost
perfectly beautiful.”
I give Josiah Allen a look full in his face, a curious look, very
searchin’ and peculiar. But before I had time to say anything, only jest
that look, the door opened, and Spinks’es wive’s sister come in
unexpected, and said that Miss Spink wanted to borrow the loan of ten
pounds of side pork, a fine comb, some flour, the dish-kettle, and my
tooth-brush.
I let her have ’em all but the tooth-brush, for I was determined to use
’em well. And Josiah didn’t like it at all because I didn’t let that go.
And he said in a fault-findin’, complainin’ axent “that I didn’t seem to
want to be sociable.”
And I told him that “I thought borrowin’ a tooth-brush was a little
_too_ sociable.”
And he most snapped my head off, and muttered about my not bein’
neighborly, and that I didn’t feel a mite about neighborin’ as he did.
And I made a vow, then and there (inside of my mind), that I wouldn’t
say a word to Josiah Allen on the subject, not if they borrowed us out
of house and home. Thinkses I, I can stand it as long as he can; if they
spile our things, he has got to pay for new ones; if they waste our
property, he has got to lose it; if they spile our comfort, he’s got to
stand it as well as I have; and, knowin’ the doggy obstinacy of his
sect, I considered this great truth, and acted on it, that the stiller I
kep’, and the less I said about ’em, the quicker he’d get sick of ’em;
so I held firm. And never let on to Josiah but what it was solid comfort
to me to have ’em there all the time a most; and not have a minute I
could call my own; and have ’em borrow everything under the sun that
ever was borrowed: garden-sass of all kinds, and the lookin’-glass,
groceries, the old cat, vittles, cookin’ utensils, stove-pipe, a
feather-bed, bolsters, bed-clothes, and the New Testament.
They even borrowed Josiah’s clothes. Why, Spink wore Josiah’s best
pantaloons more than Josiah did. He got so he didn’t act as if he could
stir out without Josiah’s best pantaloons. He’d keep a tellin’ that he
was goin’ to get a new pair, but he didn’t get ’em, and would hang onto
Josiah’s. And Josiah had to stay to home a number of times jest on that
account. And then he’d borrow Josiah’s galluses. Josiah had got kinder
run out of galluses, and hadn’t got but one pair of sound ones. And
Josiah would have to pin his pantaloons onto his vest, and the pins
would lose out, and it was all Josiah could do to keep his clothes on.
It made it awful bad for him. I know one day, when I had a lot of
company, I had to wink him out of the room a number of times, to fix
himself so he would be decent. But all through it I kep’ still, and
never said a word. I see we was loosin’ property fast, and had lost
every mite of comfort we had enjoyed, for there was some of ’em there
every minute of the time, a most, and some of the time two or three of
’em. Why, Miss Spink used to come over and eat breakfast with us lots of
times. She’d say she felt so mauger that she couldn’t eat nothin’ to
home, and she thought mebby my vittles would go to the place. And
besides losin’ our property and comfort, I’ll be hanged if I didn’t
think sometimes that I should lose my pardner by ’em, they worked him
so. But I held firm. Thinkses I to myself, it must be that Josiah will
get sick of neighborin’, after a while, and start ’em off. For the
sufferin’s that man endured couldn’t never be told nor sung.
Why, before they had been there a month, as I told sister Bamber,—she
was to our house a visitin’, and Josiah was in the buttery a churnin’,
and I knew he wouldn’t hear,—says I: “They have borrowed everything I
have got, unless it is Josiah.”
And if you’ll believe it, before I had got the words out of my mouth,
Miss Spinks’es sister opened the door, and walked in, and asked me “if I
could spare Mr. Allen to help stretch a carpet.”
And I whispered to sister Bamber, and says I: “If they haint borrowed
the last thing now; if they haint borrowed Josiah.”
But I told the girl “to take him an’ welcome.” (I was very polite to
’em, and meant to be, but cool.)
[Illustration: BORROWIN’ JOSIAH.]
So I took holt and done the churnin’ myself, and let him go. And he come
home perfectly tuckered out. Wasn’t good for nothin’ hardly for several
days. He got strained somehow a pullin’ on that carpet. But after that
they would send for him real often to help do some job. They both took
as much agin liberty with Josiah as they did with me; they worked him
down almost to skin and bones. Besides all the rest he suffered. Why,
his cow-sufferin’ alone was perfectly awful. They had a cow, a
high-headed creeter; as haughty a actin’ cow as I ever see in my life.
She would hold her head right up, and walk over our fence, and tramp
through the garden. I didn’t know how Josiah felt about it, but I used
to think myself that I could have stood it as well agin if it hadn’t
been so high headed. It would look so sort o’ independent and
overbearin’ at me, when it was a walkin’ through the fence, and
tramplin’ through the garden. Josiah always laid out his beds in the
garden with a chalk-line, as square and beautiful as the pyramids, and
that cow jest leveled ’em to the ground. They tied her up nights, but
she would get loose, and start right for our premises; seemed to take
right to us, jest as the rest of ’em did. But I held firm, for I see
that gettin’ up night after night, and goin’ out in the night air,
chasin’ after that cow, was coolin’ off my companion’s affection for the
Spinkses.
[Illustration: SPINKS’ES COW—A NIGHT SCENE.]
And then they kept the awfulest sight of hens. I know Josiah was dretful
tickled with the idee at first, and said, “mebby we could swap with ’em,
get into their kind of hens.”
And I told him in a cautious way “that I shouldn’t wonder a mite if we
did.”
[Illustration: OUR HEN-DAIRY.]
Wall, them hens seemed to feel jest as the rest of the family did;
didn’t seem to want to stay to home a minute, but flocked right over
onto us; stayed right by us day and night; would hang round our doors
and door-steps, and come into the house every chance they could get,
daytimes; and nights, would roost right along on the door-yard fence,
and the front porch, and the lilack bushes, and the pump. Why, the story
got out that we was keepin’ a hen-dairy, and strangers who thought of
goin’ into the business would stop and holler to Josiah, and ask him if
he found it profitable to keep so many hens. And I’d see that man
shakin’ his fist at ’em, after they would go on, he would be that mad at
’em. Somehow the idee of keepin’ a hen-dairy was always dretful
obnoxious to Josiah, though it is perfectly honorable, as far as I can
see.
Finally, he had made so much of ’em, the two boys got to thinkin’ so
much of Josiah that they wanted to sleep with him, and he, thinkin’ it
wouldn’t be neighborly to refuse, let ’em come every little while. And
they kicked awfully. They kicked Josiah Allen till he was black and
blue. It come tough on Josiah, but I didn’t say a word, only I merely
told him “that of course he couldn’t expect me to sleep with the hull
neighborhood,” so I went off, and slept in the settin’-room bedroom. It
made me a sight of work, but I held firm.
At last Spink and his wife, and his wife’s sister, got into the habit of
goin’ off nights to parties, and leavin’ the twin with Josiah. And
though it almost broke my heart to see his sufferin’s, still, held up by
principle, and the aim I had in view, I would go off and sleep in the
settin’-room bedroom, and let Josiah tussle with it. Sometimes it would
have the colic most all night, and the infantum, and the snuffles. But,
though I could have wept when I heerd my pardner a groanin’ and a
sithein’ in the dead of night, and a callin’ on heaven to witness that
no other man ever had the sufferin’s he was a sufferin’, still, held up
by my aim, I would lay still, and let it go on.
It wore on Josiah Allen. His health seemed to be a runnin’ down; his
morals seemed to be loose and totterin’; he would snap me up every
little while as if he would take my head off; and unbeknown to him I
would hear him a jawin’ to himself, and a shakin’ his fist at nothin’
when he was alone, and actin’. But I kep’ cool, for though he didn’t
come out and say a word to me about the Spinkses, still I felt a feelin’
that there would be a change. But I little thought the change was so
near.
But one mornin’ to the breakfast-table, as I handed Josiah his fourth
cup of coffee, he says to me, says he:
“Samantha, sposen we go to Brother Bamberses to-day, and spend the day.
I feel,” says he, with a deep sithe, “I feel as if I needed a change.”
Says I, lookin’ pityingly on his pale and haggard face, “you do,
Josiah,” and says I, “if I was in your place I would speak to Brother
Bamber about the state of your morals.” Says I, in a tender yet firm
tone, “I don’t want to scare you, Josiah, nor twit you, but your morals
seem to be a totterin’; I am afraid you are a back-slidin’, Josiah
Allen.”
He jumped right up out of his chair, and shook his fist over towards the
Spinks’es house, and hollered out in a loud, awful tone:
“My morals would be all right if it wuzn’t for them dumb Spinkses, dumb
’em.”
You could have knocked me down with a pin-feather (as it were), I was
that shocked and agitated; it had all come onto me so sudden, and his
tone was so loud and shameful. But before I could say a word he went on,
a shakin’ his fist vehementer and wilder than I ever see a fist shook:
“I guess you be neighbored with as I have been, and slept with by two
wild-cats, and be kicked till you are black and blue, and mebby you’d
back-slide!”
Says I: “Josiah Allen, if you don’t go to see Brother Bamber to-day,
Brother Bamber shall come and see you. Did I ever expect to live,” says
I, with a gloomy face, “to see my pardner rampagin’ round worse than any
pirate that ever swum the seas, and shakin’ his fist, and actin’. I told
you in the first on’t, Josiah Allen, to begin as you could hold out.”
“What if you did?” he yelled out. “Who thought we’d be borrowed out of
house and home, and visited to death, and trampled over by cows, and
roosted on; who s’posed they’d run me over with twin, and work me down
to skin and bone, and foller me ’round tight to my heels all day, and
sleep with me nights, and make dumb lunaticks of themselves? Dumb em!”
Says I in firm accents, “Josiah Allen, if you swear another swear
to-day, I’ll part with you before Squire Baker.” Says I, “It betters it,
don’t it, for you to start up and go to swearin’.”
Before Josiah could answer me a word, the door opened and in come Miss
Spink’ses sister. They never none of ’em knocked, but dropped right down
on us unexpected, like sun-strokes.
Says she, with a sort of a haughty, independent mean onto her (some like
their cow’s mean), and directin’ her conversation to Josiah:
“Mr. Spink is goin’ to have his likeness took, to-day, and he would be
glad to borrow the loan of your pantaloons and galluses. And he said if
you didn’t want your pantaloons to go without your boots went with ’em,
he guessed he’d wear your boots, as his had been heel-tapped and might
show. And the two boys bein’ so took up with you, Mr. Allen, their Ma
thought she’d let ’em come over here and sleep with you while they was
gone; they didn’t know but they might stay several days to her folks’es,
as they had heard of a number of parties that was goin’ to be held in
that neighborhood. And knowin’ you hadn’t no little childern of your
own, she thought it might be agreeable to you to keep the twin, while
they was gone—and—and—”
She hadn’t got through with her speech, and I don’t know what she would
have tackled us for next. But the door opened without no warnin’, and in
come Miss Spink herself, and she said that “Spink had been urgin’ her to
be took, too, and they kinder wanted to be took holt of hands, and they
thought if Josiah and me had some kid gloves by us, they would borrow
the loan of ’em; they thought it would give ’em a more genteel,
aristocratic look. And as for the childern,” says she, “we shall go off
feelin’ jest as safe and happy about ’em as if they was with us, they
love dear Mr. Allen so.” And says she with a sweet smile, “I have lived
on more places than I can think of hardly—we never have lived but a
little while in a place, somehow the climates didn’t agree with us long
at a time. But never, in all the places we have lived in, have we ever
had such neighbors, never, never did we take such solid comfort
a-neighborin’, as we do here.”
Josiah jumped right upon his feet, and shook his fist at her, and says
he, in a more skareful tone than he had used as yet:
“You have got to stop it. If you don’t stop neighberin’ with me, I’ll
know the reason why.”
Miss Spink looked skairt, and agitated awful, but I laid hands on him,
and says I, “Be calm, Josiah Allen, and compose yourself down.”
“I won’t be calm!” says he; “I won’t be composed down.”
Says I, firmly, still a-keepin’ between him and her, and still a-layin’
holt of him, “You must, Josiah!”
“I tell you I _won’t_, Samantha! I’ll let you know,” says he, a-shakin’
his fist at her powerful, “I’ll let you know that you have run me over
with twin for the last time; I’ll let you know that I have been trampled
over, and eat up by cows, and roosted on, and slept with for the last
time,” says he, shakin’ both fists at at her. “You have neighbored your
last neighbor with me, and I’ll let you know you have.”
Says I, “Josiah Allen, I tell you to compose yourself down.”
“And I tell you again, Samantha, that I _won’t_!”
But I could see that his voice was sort ’o lowerin’ down, and I knew the
worst was over. I spoke sort ’o soothin’ly to him, and told him, in
tender axents, that he shouldn’t be neighbored with another mite; and
finally, I got him quieted down. But he looked bad in the face, and his
sithes was fearful.
My feelin’s for that man give me strength to give Miss Spink a piece of
my mind. My talk was calm, but to the purpose, and very smart. It was a
very little on the allegory way. I told her jest how I felt about mejum
courses; how sweet and happyfyin’ it was to pursue ’em.
Says I, “Fire is first-rate, dretful comfortin’ for warmin’ and cookin’
purposes; too much fire is bad, and leads to conflagrations, martyrs,
and etcetery. Water is good; too much leads to drowndin’, dropsy,
and-so-forth. Neighborin’ is good, first-rate, if follered mejumly. Too
much neighborin’ leads to weariness, anarky, kicks, black and blue
pardners, and almost delerious Josiahs.”
As quick as I mentioned the word kick, I see a change in Josiah’s face;
he begun to shake his fist, and act; I see he was a-growin’ wild agin;
Miss Spink see it too, and she and her sister fled.
That very afternoon Josiah went to Jonesville and served some papers
onto ’em. They hadn’t made no bargain, for any certain time, so by
losin’ all his rent, he got rid of ’em before the next afternoon. And
says he to me that night, as he sot by the fire rubbin’ some linement
onto his legs where he had been kicked, says he to me:
“Samantha, if any human bein’ ever comes to rent that house of me, I’ll
shoot ’em down, jest as I would a mushrat.”
[Illustration: JOSIAH’S VOW.]
I knew he had lost over two hundred dollars by ’em, and been kicked so
lame that he couldn’t stand on his feet hardly. I knew that man had been
neighbored almost into his grave, but I couldn’t set by calmly and hear
him talk no such wickedness, and so says I:
“Josiah Allen, can’t you ever learn to take a mejum course? You needn’t
go round huntin’ up renters, or murder ’em if they come nigh you.” Says
I, “You must learn to be more moderate and mejum.”
But he kep’ right on, a-pourin’ out the linement on his hand, and
rubbin’ it onto his legs, and stuck to it to the last. Says he, “I’d
shoot him down, jest as I would a mushrat; and there hain’t a law in the
land but what would bear me out in it.”
[Illustration]
[Illustration]