HOW FATHER TOM MADE A HARE OF HIS HOLINESS IN LATIN.
Oh, Docther Whateley, Docther Whateley, I'm sure I'll never die another
death if I don't die aither of consumption or production! I ever and
always thought that asthronomy was the hardest science that was till
now--and it's no lie I'm telling you, the same asthronomy is a tough
enough morsel to brake a man's fast upon--and geolidgy is middling and
hard too--and hydherastatics is no joke; but ov all the books of science
that ever was opened and shut, that book upon Pilitical Econimy lifts
the pins! Well, well, if they wait till they persuade me that taking a
man's rints out ov the counthry, and spinding them in forrain parts
isn't doing us out ov the same, they'll wait a long time in troth. But
you're waiting, I see, to hear how his Riv'rence and his Holiness got on
after finishing the disputation I was telling you of. Well, you see, my
dear, when the Pope found he couldn't hold a candle to Father Tom in
theology and logic, he thought he'd take the shine out ov him in Latin
anyhow, so says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "I quite agree wid you
that it's not lucky for us to be spaking on them deep subjects in sich
langidges as the evil spirits is acquainted wid; and," says he, "I think
it 'ud be no harm for us to spake from this out in Latin," says he, "for
fraid the devil 'ud undherstand what we are saying."
"Not a hair I care," says Father Tom, "whether he undherstands what
we're saying or not, as long as we keep off that last pint we wor
discussing, and one or two others. Listners never heard good ov
themselves," says he; "and if Belzhebub takes anything amiss that aither
you or me says in regard ov himself or his faction, let him stand forrid
like a man, and, never fear, I'll give him his answer. Howandiver, if
it's for a taste ov classic conwersation you are, just to put us in mind
ov ould Cordarius," says he, "here's at you;" and wid that he lets fly
at his Holiness wid his health in Latin.
"Vesthrae Sanctitatis salutem volo!" says he.
"Vesthrae Revirintiae salubritati bibo!" says the Pope to him again
(haith, it's no joke, I tell you, to remimber sich a power ov larning).
"Here's to you wid the same," says the Pope, in the raal Ciceronian.
"Nunc poculum alterhum imple," says he.
"Cum omni jucunditate in vita," says his Riv'rence. "Cum summa
concupiscintia et animositate," says he; as much as to say, "Wid all the
veins ov my heart, I'll do that same;" and so wid that, they mixed their
fourth gun a-piece.
"Aqua vitae vesthra sane est liquor admirabilis," says the Pope.
"Verum est pro te,--it's thrue for you," says his Riv'rence, forgetting
the idyim ov the Latin phwraseology, in a manner.
"Prava est tua Latinitas, domine," says the Pope, finding fault like wid
his etymology.
"Parva culpa mihi," "small blame to me, that is," says his Riv'rence;
"nam multum laboro in partibus interioribus," says he--the dear man!
that never was at a loss for an excuse!
"Quid tibi incommodi?" says the Pope, axing him what ailed him.
"Habesne id quod Anglice vocamus, a looking-glass," says his Riv'rence.
"Immo, habeo speculum splendidissimum subther operculum pyxidis hujus
starnutatoriae," says the Pope, pulling out a beautiful goold snuff-box,
wid a looking-glass in under the lid; "Subther operculum pyxidis hujus
starnutatorii--no--starnutatoriae--quam dono accepi ab Archi-duce
Austhriaco siptuagisima praetherita," says he; as much as to say that he
got the box in a prisint from the Queen ov Spain last Lint, if I rightly
remimber.
Well, Father Tom laughed like to burst. At last, says he, "Pather
Sancte," says he, "sub errore jaces. 'Looking-glass' apud nos habet
significationem quamdam peculiarem ex tempore diei dependentem"--there
was a sthring ov accusatives for yez!--"nam mane speculum sonat," says
he, "post prandium vero mat--mat--mat"--sorra be in me but I disremimber
the classic appellivation ov the same article. Howandiver, his Riv'rence
went on explaining himself in such a way as no scholar could mistake.
"Vesica mea," says he, "ab illo ultimo eversore distenditur, donc
similis est rumpere. Verbis apertis," says he, "Vesthrae Sanctitatis
praesentia salvata, aquam facere valde desidhero."
"Ho, ho, ho!" says the Pope, grabbing up his box; "si inquinavisses meam
pyxidem, excimnicari debuisses. Hillo, Anthony," says he to his head
butler, "fetch Misther Maguire a----"
"You spoke first!" says his Riv'rence, jumping off his sate: "You spoke
first in the vernacular. I take Misther Anthony to witness," says he.
"What else would you have me to do?" says the Pope, quite dogged like to
see himself bate thataway at his own waypons. "Sure," says he, "Anthony
wouldn't undherstand a B from a bull's foot, if I spoke to him any other
way."
"Well, then," says his Riv'rence, "in considheration ov the
needcessity," says he, "I'll let you off for this time; but mind, now,
afther I say _praestho_, the first of us that spakes a word of English
is the hare--_praestho_!"
Neither ov them spoke for near a minit, considhering wid themselves how
they wor to begin sich a great thrial ov shkill. At last, says the
Pope--the blessed man! only think how 'cute it was ov him!--"Domine
Maguire," says he, "valde desidhero, certiorem fieri de significatione
istius verbi _eversor_ quo jam jam usus es"--(well, surely I _am_ the
boy for the Latin!)
"_Eversor_, id est cyathus," says his Riv'rence, "nam apud nos
_tumbleri_, seu eversores, dicti sunt ab evertendo ceremoniam inter
amicos; non, ut Temperantiae Societatis frigidis fautoribus placet, ab
evertendis ipsis potatoribus." (It's not every masther undher the Boord,
I tell you, could carry such a car-load ov the dead langidges.) "In agro
vero Louthiano et Midensi," says he, "nomine gaudent quodam secundum
linguam Anglicanum significante bombardam seu tormentum; quia ex eis
tanquam ex telis jaculatoriis liquorem faucibus immittere solent. Etiam
inter haereticos illos melanostomos" (that was a touch of Greek).
"Presbyterianos Septentrionales, qui sunt terribiles potatores, Cyathi
dicti sunt _faceres_, et dimidium Cyathi _haef-a-glessus_. Dimidium
Cyathi vero apud Metropolitanos Hibernicos dicitur _dandy_."--
"En verbum Anglicanum!" says the Pope, clapping his hands,--"leporem te
fecisti;" as much as to say that he had made a hare ov himself.
"_Dandaeus, dandaeus_, verbum erat," says his Riv'rence--oh, the dear man,
but it's himself that was handy ever and always at getting out ov a
hobble--"_dandaeus_ verbum erat," says he, "quod dicturus eram, cum me
intherpillavisti."
"Ast ego dico," says the Pope, very sharp, "quod verbum erat _dandy_."
"Per tibicinem qui coram Mose modulatus est," says his Riv'rence, "id
flagellat mundum! _Dandaeus_ dixi, et tu dicis _dandy_; ergo tu es lepus,
non ego--Ah, ha! Saccavi vesthram Sanctitatem!"
"Mendacium est!" says the Pope, quite forgetting himself, he was so mad
at being sacked before the sarvints.
Well, if it hadn't been that his Holiness was in it, Father Tom 'ud have
given him the contints of his tumbler betuxt the two eyes, for calling
him a liar; and, in troth, it's very well it was in Latin the offince
was conweyed, for, if it had been in the vernacular, there's no saying
what 'ud ha' been the consequence. His Riv'rence was mighty angry
anyhow.--"Tu senex lathro," says he, "quomodo audes me mendacem
praedicare?"
"Et tu, sacrilege nebulo," says the Pope, "quomodo audacitatem habeas,
me Dei in terris vicarium, lathronem conwiciari?"
"Interroga circumcirca," says his Riv'rence.
"Abi ex aedibus meis," says the Pope.
"Abi tu in malem crucem," says his Riv'rence.
"Excumnicabo te," says the Pope.
"Diabolus curat," says his Riv'rence.
"Anathema sis," says the Pope.
"Oscula meum pod,"--says his Riv'rence--but, my dear, afore he could
finish what he was going to say, the Pope broke out into the vernacular,
"Get out o' my house, you reprobate!" says he in sich a rage that he
could contain himself widin the Latin no longer.
"Ha, ha, ha!--ho, ho, ho!" says his Riv'rence, "Who's the hare now, your
Holiness? Oh, by this and by that, I've sacked you clane! Clane and
clever I've done it, and no mistake! You see what a bit ov desate will
do wid the wisest, your Holiness--sure it was joking I was, on purpose
to aggrawate you--all's fair, you know, in love, law, and conthravarsy.
In troth if I'd thought you'd have taken it so much to heart, I'd have
put my head into the fire afore I'd have said a word to offind you,"
says he, for he seen that the Pope was very vexed. "Sure, God forbid
that I'd say anything agin your Holiness, barring it was in fun: for
aren't you the father ov the faithful, and the thrue vicar ov God upon
earth? And amn't I ready to go down on my two knees this blessed minit
and beg your apostolical pardon for every word that I said to your
displasement?"
"Are you in arnest that it is in fun you wor?" says the Pope.
"May I never die if I amn't," says his Riv'rence. "It was all to provoke
your Holiness to commit a brache ov the Latin that I tuck the small
liberties I did," says he.
"I'd have you to take care," says the Pope, "how you take sich small
liberties again, or maybe you'll provoke me to commit a brache ov the
pace."
"Well, and if I did," says his Riv'rence, "I know a sartain preparation
ov chemicals that's very good for curing a brache either in Latinity or
frindship."
"What's that?" says the Pope, quite mollified, and sitting down again at
the table that he had ris from in the first pluff of his indignation.
"What's that?" says he, "for, 'pon my Epistolical 'davy, I think it
'udn't be asy to bate this miraclous mixthir that we've been thrying to
anilize this two hours back," says he, taking a mighty scientifical swig
out ov the bottom ov his tumbler.
"It's good for a beginning," says his Riv'rence; "it lays a very nate
foundation for more sarious operation: but we're now arrived at a pariod
of the evening when it's time to proceed wid our shuper-structhure by
compass and square, like free and excipted masons as we both are."
My time's up for the present; but I'll tell you the rest in the evening
at home.