(_THE RECORD OF A RUINED LIFE._)
AUGUSTUS SPARKLER was an exceptionally brilliant man. At school he
had done marvellously well, and if he did not distinguish himself at
either of the Universities, it was less his fault than his misfortune.
When he entered the world, after casting off parental control, he
took up Medicine. He was a great success. He rose by leaps and bounds,
until at length it was thought highly probable that he would be
elected President of the Royal College of Physicians. He was sounded
upon the subject, and a question was put to him.
"No," he replied, sorrowfully, and then the courteous Secretary
informed him, with tears in his voice, that he feared he was
disqualified.
"Well, I will enter the Navy."
He did. He passed through the _Britannia_, and rose by leaps and
bounds, until it was considered desirable to revive the post of Lord
High Admiral for his acceptance. But before this was done, he was
sounded upon the subject, and asked a question.
"No," he again answered, regretfully.
"I am afraid then, that the scheme must be abandoned," returned the
First Civil Lord (he had been chosen as more polite than his sea
colleagues), and he was almost moved to tears in his sadness.
"I will enter the Army," cried AUGUSTUS, with determination.
And he did. He rose from the ranks in less than no time to become a
Field Marshal. It was then that a certain Illustrious Personage asked
him if he would like to become Commander-in-Chief.
"It is not impossible I might resign in your favour," said the I.P.
And then he asked him the necessary question.
"No, Sir," returned AUGUSTUS, bowing down his head in shame. Again he
found that his career was interrupted.
"I will try the Bar," he shouted.
And he did. He entered at Gray's Inn, and in a very short time became
a Q.C., a Judge, and a Lord Justice. Then the entire Ministry begged
him, as a personal favour, to accept the post of Lord Chancellor.
"With pleasure," was his modest rejoinder. Then he remembered that he
had been asked a certain question on previous occasions, and explained
matters.
"I am afraid you won't do," cried the entire Ministry, mournfully.
"Well, then, I will try the Church."
And he tried the Church. He became an eminent divine. Every one spoke
well of him; and when, in due course, the Primacy of all England was
vacant, he was asked to accept it. Again he explained matters.
"No!" shouted all the Deans and Chapters.
"You can't mean it!" cried the entire body of Archdeacons.
"Well, I never!" exclaimed every other ecclesiastical authority.
But it could not be, and the disappointment was too much for poor
AUGUSTUS, and he died of grief.
And so they put on the tombstone, that he would have been
President of the Royal College of Physicians, Lord High Admiral,
Commander-in-Chief, Lord Chancellor, and Archbishop of Canterbury,
if--_he had only learned Greek!_
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