(_FROM MR. PUNCH'S OWN RUMOURISTS._)
It may be interesting at this time of the year to mention the fact
that Lord SALISBURY always uses a poker in cracking walnuts. He says
it saves the silver. The other day, whilst wielding the poker across
the walnuts and the wine, Mr. GLADSTONE chanced to look in. The
Premier, with his well-known hospitality, immediately furnished
the Right Hon. Gentleman with another poker (brought in from the
drawing-room), and ordered up a fresh supply of nuts.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
Mr. GLADSTONE, recurring in private conversation to a recent visit
paid by him to Lord SALISBURY in Arlington Street, questioned the
convenience of a poker as an instrument for shattering the shell of
the walnut. For himself, he says, he has always found a pair of tongs
more convenient.
* * * * *
The Marquis of HARTINGTON, to whom this remark was reported,
observed that as a dissentient Liberal he naturally differed from Mr.
GLADSTONE, and was not to the fullest extent able to agree with his
noble friend, the Marquis of SALISBURY. For his own part, he found
the most convenient way of cracking a walnut was deftly to place the
article in the interstice of the dining-room door, and gently close
it. He found this plan combined with its original purpose a gentle
exercise on the part of the guests highly conducive to digestion.
* * * * *
Two hours later, the Leader of the Opposition was seen walking up
Arlington Street, and on reaching Piccadilly, he hailed an omnibus,
observing the precaution before entering of requiring the conductor to
produce the scale of charges. "No pirate busses for _me_," the Right
Hon. Member remarked, as (omitting the oath) he took his seat.
* * * * *
It is no secret in official circles that before the vacancy in the
office of Postmaster-General was filled, it was placed at the disposal
of the BARON BE BOOK-WORMS. Upon Sir JAMES FERGUSSON stepping in, the
PRIME MINISTER was urgently desirous to have the collaboration of
the noble BARON at the Foreign Office. But, somehow, the post of
Under-Secretary vacated by Sir JAMES was assigned to Mr. WILLIAM JAMES
LOWTHER.
* * * * *
We are authorised to state that His Imperial Majesty the Emperor of
GERMANY, feeling the need of a little change, has resolved to stay at
home for a fortnight.
* * * * *
We are in a position to state that just prior to the General Election
of 1880, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was observed standing before a cheval glass,
alternatively fixing his eyeglass in the right eye and in the left.
Asked why he should thus quaintly occupy his leisure moments, he
replied: "It is in view of the General Election. If on the platform
any person in the crowd poses you with an awkward question, should you
be able rapidly to transfer your eyeglass from your right eye to your
left, and fix the obtruder with a stony stare, he is so much engaged
in wondering whether you can keep the glass in position, that he
forgets what he asked you, and you can pass on to less dangerous
topics."
* * * * *
When Mr. SCHOMBERG McDONNELL informed his chief that Lord RANDOLPH
CHURCHILL had "come upon eight lions," Lord SALISBURY sighed and
remained for a moment in deep thought. Then he said, "How different
had the eight lions come upon him!"
* * * * *
Mr. GLADSTONE has backed himself to walk a mile, talk a mile, write a
mile, review a mile, disestablish a mile, chop a mile and hop a mile
in one hour. Sporting circles are much interested in the veteran
statesman's undertaking, and little else is talked about at the chief
West End resorts. The general opinion of those who ought to know seems
to be in favour of the scythe-bearer, but not a few have invested a
pound or two on the Mid-Lothian Marvel.
* * * * *
[Illustration: TRUE LITERARY EXCLUSIVENESS.
"_WHAT_, MY DEAR REGINALD! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU DON'T ADMIRE
BYRON AS A POET?"
"CERTAINLY NOT. INDEED I HAVE A QUITE SPECIAL LOATHING AND CONTEMPT
FOR HIM IN THAT PARTICULAR CHARACTAH!"
"DEAR ME! WHY, WHAT PARTICULAR POEMS OF HIS DO YOU OBJECT TO SO
STRONGLY?"
"MY DEAH GRANDMOTHAH, I NEVAH READ A LINE OF BYRON IN MY LIFE,--AND I
CERTAINLY NEVAH MEAN TO!"]
* * * * *