(_A Purely Imaginary Sketch._)
ARGUMENT--Mrs. FLITTERMOUSE, _having got up a party to assist her in
giving an Entertainment at the East End, has called a meeting for the
purpose of settling the items in the programme._
SCENE--Mrs. FLITTERMOUSE'S _Drawing-room in Park Lane. Everybody
discovered drinking tea, and chatting on matters totally unconnected
with Philanthropy._
_Mrs. Flittermouse_ (_imploringly_). Now, _please_, everybody, _do_
attend! It's quite impossible to settle anything while you're all
talking about something else. (_Apologies, protests, constrained
silence._) SELINA, dear, what do you think it would be best to begin
with?
_The Dowager Lady Dampier._ My dear FRITILLA, I have no suggestion
to offer. You know my opinion about the whole thing. The people don't
want to be elevated, and--if they did--entertaining them is not the
proper means to set about it. But I don't wish to discourage you.
_Mrs. Flitt._ Oh, but I think we could do so _much_ to give them a
taste for more rational and refined amusements, poor things, to wean
them from the coarse pleasures which are all they have at present.
Only we must really decide what each of us is going to do.
_Mrs. Perse-Weaver._ A violin solo is always popular. And my daughter
CECILIA will be delighted to play for you. She has been taught by the
best----
_Cecilia._ Oh, Mother, I couldn't, really! I've never played in
public. I _know_ I should break down!
_Lady Damp._ In that case, my dear, it would be certainly unwise on
your part to attempt it.
_Mrs. P.-W._ Nonsense, CECILIA, nonsense. You _won't_ break down, and
it wouldn't matter in the least if you did. _They_ wouldn't notice
anything. And it will be such excellent practice for you to get
accustomed to a platform, too. Of _course_ she will play for you, dear
Mrs. FLITTERMOUSE!
_Mrs. Flitt._ It will be _so_ good of you, Miss WEAVER. And it won't
be like playing to a _real_ audience, you know--poor people are so
easily pleased, poor dears. Then I will put that down to begin with.
(_She makes a note._) Now we must have something quite different for
the next--a reading or something.
_Lady Honor Hyndleggs._ A--nothin' _humorous_, I hope. I do think
we ought to avoid anythin' like descendin' to their level, don't you
know.
_Mr. Lovegroove._ Might try something out of _Pickwick_. "_Bob
Sawyer's Party_," you know. Can't go far wrong with anything out of
DICKENS.
_Miss Diova Rose._ Can't endure him myself. All his characters are
so fearfully common; still--(_tolerantly_) I daresay it might
amuse--a--that class of persons.
_Mrs. Flitt._ I must say I agree with Lady HONOR. We should try and
aim as high as possible--and well, I think _not_ DICKENS, dear Mr.
LOVEGROOVE. _TENNYSON_ might do perhaps; he's written some charmin'
pieces.
_Mr. Lovegr._ Well, fact is, I don't go in for poetry much myself. But
I'll read anythin' of his you think I'm equal to.
_Mrs. Flitt._ Why--a--really, it's so long since I--and I'm afraid
I haven't one of his poems in the house. I suppose they are down at
Barn-end. But I could send to CUTT AND HAWTHORN'S. I daresay _they_
would have a copy somewhere.
_Miss Sibson-Gabler._ Surely TENNYSON is rather--a--retrograde?
Why not read them something to set them _thinking_? It would be an
interesting experiment to try the effect of that marvellous Last Scene
in the _Doll's House_. I'd love to read it. It would be like a breath
of fresh air to them!
_Mrs. P.-W._ Oh! I've seen that at the Langham Hall. You remember,
CECILIA, my taking you there? And CORNEY GRAIN played _Noah_. To be
sure--we were _quite_ amused by it all.
_Miss S.-G._ (_coldly_). This is _not_ amusing--it's a play of
IBSEN'S.
_Mrs. Flitt._ Is that the man who wrote the piece at the
Criterion--what is it, _The Toy Shop_? WYNDHAM acted in it.
_Lady Damp._ No, no; IBSEN is the person there's been all this fuss
about in the papers--he goes in for unconventionality and all that.
I may be wrong, but I think it is _such_ a mistake to have anything
unconventional in an Entertainment for the People.
_Mrs. Flitt._ But if he's being _talked_ about, dear Lady DAMPIER,
people might like to know something about him. But perhaps we'd better
leave IBSEN open, then. Now, what shall we have next?
_Miss Skipworth._ I tell you what would fetch them--a skirt-dance.
I'll dance for you--like a shot. It would be no end of fun doin' it on
a regular platform, and I've been studyin' FLOSSIE FRILLINGTON, at the
Inanity, till I've caught her style exactly.
_Mr. Kempton._ Oh, I say, you can give her a stone and a beatin' any
day, give you my word you can. She doesn't put anythin' like the go
into it you do.
[_Miss S. accepts this tribute with complacency._
_Mrs. Flitt._ A skirt-dance will be the very thing. It's sure to
please the people we shall bring over for it--and of course they'll
be in the front rows. Yes, I must put _that_ down. We ought to have
a song next. Mrs. TUBEROSE, you promised to come and sing for us--you
will, won't you?
_Mrs. Tuberose._ Delighted! I rather thought of doing a dear little
song STEPHAN OTIS has just brought out. It's called "_Forbidden
Fruit_," and he wrote it expressly for me. It goes like this.
[_She sits down at the piano, and sings, with infinite expression and
tenderness._
"Only the moon espies our bliss,
Through the conscious clusters of clematis,
Shedding star-sweet showers.
To-morrow the world will have gone amiss--
Now we are face by face, love, I thrill to your kiss--
So let us remember naught but this:
That To-night is ours!
Yes, this passionate, perilous, exquisite night--is Ours!"
_Several Voices._ Charmin'.... OTIS puts so much real feeling into all
his songs ... quite a little gem! &c., &c.
_Lady Damp._ I should have thought myself that it was rather
advanced--for an East-End audience----
_Mrs. Tuberose_ (_nettled_). Really, dear Lady DAMPIER, if people see
nothing to object in it _here_, I don't see why they should be more
particular at the East-End!
_Mrs. Flitt._ Oh no,--and as if it matters what the _words_ are in
a song. I daresay if one heard _their_ songs----Now we want another
song--something as different as possible.
_Mr. Gardinier._ Heard a capital song at the "Pav." the other
night--something about a Cock-eyed Kipper. Just suit my voice. I could
easily get the words and music, and do that for you--if you like.
_Several Voices._ A Cock-eyed Kipper! It sounds too killing! Oh, we
must have that!
_Lady Damp._ Might I ask what kind of creature a--a "Cock-eyed Kipper"
may be?
_Mr. Gard._ Oh, well, I suppose it's a sort of a dried herring--with a
squint, don't you know.
_Lady Damp._ I see no humour in making light of a personal deformity,
I must say.
_Mr. Gard._ Oh, don't you? _They_ will--it'll go with a scream there!
_Miss Diova Rose._ Yes, poor dears--and we mustn't mind being just a
little vulgar for once--to cheer them up.
_Lady Honor._ I have been to the Pavilion and the Tivoli myself, and I
heard nothing to object to. I know I was much more amused than I ever
am at theatres--_they_ bore me to death.
_Mr. Bagotrix._ We might finish up with _Mrs. Jarley's Waxworks_ you
know. Some of you can be the figures, and I'll come on in a bonnet and
shawl as _Mrs. Jarley_, and wind you up and describe you. I've done
it at lots of places in the country; brought in personal allusions and
all that sort of thing, and made everybody roar.
_Lady Damp._ But will the East-Enders understand your personal
allusions?
_Mr. Bag._ Well, you see, the people in the front rows will, which is
all _I_ want.
_Lady Honor_ (_suspiciously_). Isn't _Mrs. Jarley_ out of _Pickwick_,
though? That's DICKENS surely!
_Mr. Bag._ (_reassuringly_). Nothing but the name, Lady HONOR. I make
up all the patter myself, so that'll be all right--just good-natured
chaff, you know; if any body's a offended--as I've known them to
be--it's no fault of mine.
_Mrs. Flitt._ Oh! I'm sure you will make it funny,--and about getting
someone to preside--I suppose we ought to ask the Vicar of the nearest
church?
_Lady Honor._ Wouldn't it be better to get somebody--a--more in
Society, don't you know?
_Mrs. Flitt._ Yes; and he might offer to pay for hiring the Hall, and
the other expenses. I never thought of that. I'll see whom I can
get. Really I think it ought to be great fun, and we shall have
the satisfaction of feeling we are doing real good, which is such a
comfort!
* * * * *
[Illustration: A GENTLE SNUB.
"HERE, WAITER, QUICK! SOMETHING TO EAT--AND LOOK SHARP!"
"YESSIR. WHAT'LL YOU 'AVE, SIR?"
"OH--ANYTHING--I DON'T CARE. CHOP OR STEAK--WHATEVER YOU LIKE."
"YOU MUST EXCUSE ME, SIR; BUT I DON'T FEEL CALLED UPON TO DECIDE!"]
* * * * *
A Tip to Teetotallers.
TEMPERANCE is good--but not alone in Drink!
Good causes are not won, whate'er you think,
By bullying indulgence in bad manners.
A total abstinence from aught unfair
Will serve you best. Your Standard raise in air,
But Banners of Intemperance should not tear
Passions to rags--_nor Banners_!
* * * * *
THE _Times_ of April 12 says:--"The Kachin (or Katchin) rising is
stated to be serious, and likely to spread." Not to be wondered at, as
it's "Katchin."
* * * * *
A TELEGRAM from Fez ought to be considered as coming from
Head-quarters.
* * * * *