REV. JOSIAH NERVE, D. D. S.
Erma Wysong was sitting in her own home on the following evening (her
employers, Mrs. Turner and daughter, having left the city for a vacation
of a few days duration), lost in a reverie, musing over her experience
on the Sunday just gone, when she heard a sort of hesitating knock at
her door. She went to the door, opened it, and found standing before her
a very dark man, low of stature, of medium size, dressed in a "Prince
Albert" coat and vest that had "seen better days." His bow legs were
incased in a pair of linen breeches that desired to pass for white, and
were very much wrinkled. A broad grin, that showed nearly all of his
teeth and well nigh shut up his small eyes, was upon his face. He opened
his eyes slowly to take a full look at Erma, and the grin depreciated in
value about fifty per cent (if its value depended upon its size).
Satisfied with the result of his inspection, the grin, like the cat,
came back, and the eyes again took up their abode in the "partial
eclipse." After grinning at Erma a length of time sufficient, as he
thought, to impress her with his geniality, he was ready to announce
himself.
"Huh," he grunted; "you-don't-know-me, do-you?" said he in the deep
guttural, rolling tone so generally affected by a certain class of Negro
preachers.
"Oh, yes," replied Erma, "I have heard you preach on several occasions."
"Huh," he grunted again. With a yet broader grin than his greeting one,
he asked, in that tone which was never known to forsake him (his wife
states that he even snores in that tone), "What-is-my-name?"
"Really, I have forgotten that."
"Huh," he grunted, "my-name-is-Rev.-Josiah-Nerve,-D.-D.-S." His grin
increased in anticipation of the effect the information just imparted
was to produce.
"Will you not come in, Rev. Mr. Nerve?"
"Huh," said Rev. Josiah Nerve, still grinning broadly and walking in,
lifting his feet in his walk a little higher than do ordinary mortals.
"Take a seat, please."
He sat down, taking infinite pains, with all due deliberation, to
arrange his coat tails so that he would not rumple them as his
predecessor in the ownership of them had already evidently done
overmuch. Holding his hat in his hand, he sat staring at Erma,
alternately lessening his grin so as to look, and his look so as to
grin, as his grin ordinarily closed his eyes nearly, and as a full look
materially reduced his grin. His white teeth and red gums managed to
keep in sight, however, during the fiercest of the fight between the
grin and the look. Having allowed sufficient time for his amiability to
become thoroughly apparent through these facial gymnastics, he began:
"Miss-Wysong,-I-have-come-to-sympathize-with-you, huh."
"Thank you, Rev. Mr. Nerve. On account of what am I to be favored with
your sympathy?"
"Huh,-on-account-of-what-them-blue-vein,
educated-niggers-did-to-you-yesterday."
"Let me understand you, please."
"Huh. In-that-church-out-of-which-you were-put-yesterday,-all-of-the-
mulattoes, whose-skins-are-such-that-their-blue-blood shows,-have-
decided-to-form-an-aristocracy. If you-are-yellow-and-don't-work-any-
with-your hands,-you-are-all-right. That-is-condition number-one. If-
you-are-black-and-don't-work any-with-your-hands-and-are-smarter-than-the
whole-lot-of-them-blue-veiners-put-together, you-will-be-accepted-until-
they-get-something on-you. That-is-condition-number-two. You were-light-
enough-for-them,-but-you-worked with-your-hands. I-did-not-work-with-my
hands,-but-I-was-not-smart-enough. So,-being-black,-they-put-me-out."
"Put you out?" queried Erma.
"Huh,-yes,-miss. Before-you-was-born,-I was-pastor-of-that-church.
That-blue-veined crowd-dumped-me,-huh."
"I fear that you are prejudiced against them and judge them harshly,"
interposed Erma. "Surely a people who have been so sorely oppressed on
account of their color would not dream of drawing the color line among
themselves."
"Huh,-huh,-miss,-you-don't-know. The color-line-is-drawn-tighter-within-
the-race than-ever-it-was-on-the-outside,-and-the-original-bony-fidy
(bona fide)-members-of-the-race don't-draw-the-line. It-is-the-first-
time-that-I ever-knew-of-a-people-who-slipped-into-a-race through-a-back-
door-sitting-on-the-front-piazza and-hollowing-to-the-honest-born-chaps-
to-stay in-the-kitchen. Well,-it-is-like-a-prison,-I-suppose. The-rascal-
who-gets-in-there-for-committing-the-worst-crime-is-the-leader-and-hero
of-the-prison.
"I am sure that you are sour over some unpleasant experiences with
certain light-skinned people, and it has so warped your judgment that
you pass a severe sentence upon the entire class, which is manifestly
unjust. Pardon me, but I would much prefer the discussion of some other
topic."
"Huh,-excuse-me-then. Huh,-both-of-us having-been-put-out-by-that-blue-
vein-crowd, I-had-a-fellow-feeling. Miss-Wysong,-I-want your-aid-in-a-
little-matter."
"I shall be pleased to serve you in any way that I can."
"Huh,-thank-you,-miss. My-congregation-is made-up-of-all-the-shouting-
sisters-from-all the-other-churches,-who-have-been-driven-away by-
manuscripts,-which-things-they-hate-worse than-the-Apostle-Peter-hated-
the-rooster-that crowed-and-told-on-him. I-preach-to-them-in-the good-
old-time-way. I-have-never-quit-spreading a-good-supply-of-the-gravy-of-
feeling-on-the gospel-biscuits-which-I-hand-down-every-Sabbath. Because-
I-won't-grieve-the-Spirit-by setting-him-aside-for-a-manuscript,-the-
other preachers-are-mad-at-me,-and-won't-let-me-get D.-D.,-which-my-
people-want-me-to-have."
"Pardon me, but I understood you to say that you were the Rev. Josiah
Nerve, D.-D.-S."
"Huh,-you-don't-understand;-D.-D.-S.-is-not D.-D.,-as-I-shall-presently-
make-plain. My-people kept-on-growling-about-my-not-having-a-title. Of-
course,-I-had-no-learning. I-can-only-talk straight-by-calling-one-word-
at-a-time,-as-you must-have-noticed-already,-and-even-at-that-it is-as-
much-as-I-can-do-to-keep-my-tongue-from twisting-back-to-the-old-time-
nigger-dialect which-I-spoke-for-thirty-years,-with-much-more pleasure-
than-I-do-this. My-people-kept-on growling,-and-asking-me-if-there-was-
nothing they-could-do. One-day-when-a-number-of-us preachers-were-
visiting-the-High-School,-the teacher-asked-a-little-girl-to-conjugate-
the-verb _to-be_-in-Latin,-showing-off-before-us. She-began-like-this:
"_Sum,-es,-est_." I-am-good-at catching-on,-but-to-be-sure,-I-stood-
around-the street-corner,-near-this-little-girl's-home-and waited-
until-she-came-from-school,-when-I asked-her-what-did-_sum_-mean. She-
said-it-was the-Latin-verb-_to be_. I-then-called-my-church
together,-and-told-them-that-there-was-a-title that-they-could-confer-
upon-me. By-a-unanimous vote,-my-church-conferred-upon-me-the-degree of-
D.-D.-S. That-is-D.D., _-to-be_. Now-I-often think-how-true-
that-Scripture-is-which-says, "A little-child-shall-lead-them.""
Erma could not repress a smile of amusement at the novel and ingenious
way in which the Rev. Josiah Nerve came in possession of the coveted
title.
"Huh," continued the parson, "I-have-a-fine plan-for-getting-my-full-
honors. You-can-help me. I-want-to-have-the-'S.'-dropped."
"I am sure you do not expect me to give you the degree?"
"Huh,-no-no. But-you-can-teach-me-English grammar,-geography,-and-the-
alphabets-of-the Greek,-Latin-and-Hebrew-languages. With these-things,-I-
can-wear-my-degree-with-dignity when-it-comes. I-have-got-my-plan-laid-
to-bring it. You-see,-I-know-what-it-takes-to-scoop-a D.D.-from-the-very-
best-nigger-colleges. I-know one-preacher-who-got-his-degree-by-buying-a
barrel-of-salt-herrings-for-a-nigger-college,-and sat-on-the-barrel-in-
the-front-yard,-threatening to-take-the-barrel-of-herrings-home-in-case-
the trustees-did-not-give-him-the-degree. My-plans are-more-dignified-
than-that. I've-got-them laid-and-I-want-you-to-help-me-to-be-prepared
for-my-coming-honor."
"Rev. Mr. Nerve, I am very sorry to be compelled to tell you that your
ambitions are in the wrong direction. The mere attaching to yourself the
degree will not make you the equal of the white preachers whom you are
seeking to imitate. For one, I very much question the wisdom of the
system of degreeing preachers, though practiced by all of the leading
white institutions of learning. Oh! Mr. Nerve, as I have had occasion to
remark before, we must learn to quit accepting customs as good and
grand, simply because the white people have adopted them. They are but
human and can err, even in a body as a race. Aside from my convictions
as to the uselessness of a title in your case, my time is so much taken
up with other duties that I would not have the time to instruct you. But
let me impress this one fact upon you. Your ambition should sink deeper
than merely to appear and be esteemed wise and learned. Degrees, mere
outside appendages, would do you no good."
"Huh, miss,-you-are-young-yet. Our-race has-been-so-severely-criticised-
that-it-has-developed-the-faculty-of-appearing. Our-folks will-forgive-
you-for-not-being-up-to-white-folks,-but-a-man-that-can't-put-up-a-bold-
_front_ has-no-forgiveness. The-word-now-is, 'Be-what you-please,-but-
don't-let-the-white-folks-know it.' You-just-look-about-you-and-see-if-
the-criticisms-of-the-white-people,-often-unjust,-are-not-developing-the-
faculty-of-deception-and-white-washing,-just-like-the-child-that-is-
whipped-the-most-for-its-faults-learns-to-hide-them-far quicker-than-to-
correct-them. No,-no,-Miss Wysong,-a-covering-will-do-for-me. Niggers
can't-pull-off-the-covering-and-look-at-my-filthy rags-of-knowledge-
because-they-don't-know enough;-and-white-people-can't,-because-I ain't-
going-to-let-them-get-close-enough-to peep-under-my-covering. I-agree-
with-you that-it-is-bad-that-our-people-want-everything just-like-white-
people. That-is-what-makes me-have-to-hustle-to-get-D.-D. And-if-I-don't
get-it-somehow-before-too-long,-my-people-will dump-me-just-like-them-
blue-veiners-did."
"Oh! the blue veiners, then, are not the only colored people desiring to
be like white people. The most of your people are pure blacks and they
are trying to be like white people, too, I understand."
"Huh, of-course. That-is-what-makes-the blue-veiners-so-proud. They-see-
that-they-are near-and-nearing-the-place-where-the-blacks are-almost-
dying-to-get-to. Nowadays-you never-hear-of-two-coal-black-persons-
marrying each-other. The-black-man-is-pushing-the black-woman-aside-to-
grab-the-yellow-woman; and-the-black-woman is-pushing-the-black-man aside-
to-grab-the-yellow-man. I-know-a-number-of-black-mothers-with-black-
daughters that-have-sworn-they-will-poison-their-daughters-if-they-
attempt-to-marry-black-men. Besides-don't-black-women-with-short-hair-rob
horses'-tails,-billy-goats-and-graveyards-to-get hair-like-that-of-white-
folks. I-wish-a-sensible girl-like-you-would-join-my-church-and-stop
white-folks-ideas-from-cropping-in-faster-than we-fellows-can-keep-up-
with-them. They-have got-me-out-now-hunting-for-a-D.-D.,-just-like white-
folks,-when-neither-me-nor-them-know any-more-about-what-D.-D.-means-
than-Sam Smith's-old-mule."
"Seriously, Rev. Mr. Nerve, might I join your church? I feel that I owe
my race an apology for having somewhat deserted them. Because their
language was broken and their customs crude and queer, I, together with
other members of my race, have not mingled with them as much as we
should have done. I assure you that my failure to do so was not due to
pride nor to color prejudice. It was due simply to a lack of similarity
of tastes, ideals, habits, customs, manner of speech, etc. I think that
a great amount of what you class as color prejudice may be reduced to
that, after all."
"Huh,-huh,-huh,-Miss-Wysong,-_you_-are-all right. I-have-been-watching-
you-for-years. You-always-speak-to-us-blacks-politely-and never-snub-us.
But-don't-you-tell-me-about them-other-blue-veiners. I-knows-um,-I-know
them-thar-now,-see-how-my-tongue-gits,-my tongue-gets-to-slippin',-to-
slipping-some-times. It-is-nothin'-but-plum-nigger-foolishness-to keep-
me-cramped-down-to-all-this-grammar talk-I-am-doing. If-my-people-did-
not-insist upon-me-using-language-just-like-white-people I-would-go-
back-to-the-plain-nigger-dialect just-suited-to-a-big-mouth-and-stiff-
tongue-like mine."
"You have failed to answer my question, Rev. Mr. Nerve. May I join your
church?"
"Huh,-bless-God,-yes. My-people-are-black, yet,-as-I-have-made-plain,-
they-like-yellow folks. You-are-not-exactly-yellow;-you-are-a pretty-
brown-skin,-a-mighty-pretty-brown-skin. I-really-think-what-makes-blue-
veiners-so-aristocratic-is-that-we-blacks-like-them,-the-white folks-
like-them,-and-they-like-themselves;-leaving-nobody-to-like-us-blacks.
If-we-ever-turn-to liking-black-faces-it-will-only-be-after-the whites-
turn-that-way. The-whites-regulate-all of-our-tastes-even-to-telling-us-
who-are-our greatest-men-among-us. We-just-won't-acknowledge-a-man-is-
great-until-the-whites-have done-so. Our-slave-mammies-had-no-thought
from-morning-till-night,-year-in-and-year-out, except-the-thought-of-
pleasing-master-and mistress. I-guess-that-is-how-doing-everything
to-please-white-people-became-ingrained-in-our nature. You-will-know-
more-about-this-when you-get-to-be-a-married-woman-like-I-am,-huh, huh.
"Good-day,-Miss-Wysong,-good-day,-I-see you-are-restless-and-tired-of-
an-old-man's-gab. Remember-that-I-have-not-promised-you-that-I would-not-
be-a-D.-D. My-plans-are-all-laid. Remember-you-are-to-join-my-church.
Good day. I-did-not-promise-that-I-would-not-be-no D.-D.,-huh,-huh-huh."
Bowing and grinning and grunting, Rev. Josiah Nerve, D. D. S., backed
out of the door and out of the gate, and, hat in hand, went strutting
proudly down the street, not forgetting that in walking, his feet should
come up a little higher from the ground than do the feet of plain every
day human beings. Poor deluded soul, contented to grasp with a death
clutch at the _shadow_ of Anglo-Saxon civilization. His brethren are
many. In due time the whole city came out to view the first step of Rev.
Josiah Nerve, D. D. S., toward becoming Rev. Josiah Nerve, D. D.