"The first time he came this year," she began, "was to attend Tommy. You
remember--after that New Year party. He called twice--no, three times to
see him."
"'_Item_ 1,' I wrote. '_To overhauling and repairing Tommy's tummy, time
and material, say 15s_.' When Tommy next overeats himself I shall attend
to his little business myself. Yes?"
"Then there was Aunt Maria who was staying with us and imagined she had
appendicitis, poor old thing! You remember the specialist, Jack?"
"I remember the specialist's fee--three guineas for absolute tomfoolery!
'_Item 2. To diagnosing Aunt Maria and failing to find anything wrong
and recommending appendicitis_.... ' Shall we say a guinea for Aunt
Maria's put-up job? I ought to get my money back since nothing was found
in Aunt Maria. There should be at least a discount on false alarms."
"Then there was Baby," continued Minerva. "We didn't know what was wrong
with him--and really I don't think now there was very much the matter,
although I felt so anxious at the time. But the doctor never would
explain fully."
"Of course not; that would be giving the game away. '_Item 3. To baby to
rights, 2s. 11d_.'"
"Two-and-elevenpence for baby!" protested Minerva. "If Aunt Maria was
worth a guinea--"
"She was not. I said so at the time."
"--Baby is certainly worth more than two-and-elevenpence."
"Well, make it two pounds eleven. I don't care either way. What I want
is an approximate idea of the way this fellow makes up his total."
"If he's charging two pounds eleven for all the little he did to Baby,
he's certainly charging too much, Jack; and you ought to see him about
it at once."
"Well, what next?"
"That was all, I think.... Oh, no. There was the time about Maudie's
cold."
"Oh, those kids' colds!"
"Well, my dear, I have spoken to the children about it until I am tired.
Do be reasonable."
"'_Item 4. To thawing Maudie's chest, lubricating throat, and taking
hard edge off voice, time and expenses._' ... How much?"
"He was only twice at Maudie, three times at Tommy. What did you put
down for Tommy?"
"Fifteen bob; but Maudie is bigger than Tommy."
"She is big for her age," reflected Minerva. "I remember asking the
doctor if he thought she was growing too fast."
"He'd call that a consultation."
"'_Item 5. To advising on rate of speed recommended for Maudie's growth,
one guinea._'"
"I might have saved that charge," sighed Minerva. "But that was all. How
much does it come to?"
"Allowing two visits to Maudie to be equal to three visits to Tommy, the
total bill amounts to six pounds three shillings."
"But that's four pounds seven less than he charges."
"And observe I am allowing two pounds eleven for Baby's fidgets--or
rather for your fidgets about baby--on the basis of Aunt Maria being
worth a guinea a whim."
"Two pounds eleven for looking at Baby's tongue every other day when
there was nothing really the matter with him at all! It's preposterous,
Jack. There must be something wrong. You must see Dr. Thom at once about
that account. Call to-morrow, dear, on your way to town."
* * * * *
I called. After all there is, as Minerva says, something inexpressibly
mean in asking a doctor for a detailed account. This thought occurred to
me as Dr. Thom shook hands, beaming as usual with that genial
heart-warming smile of his.
"Ah--er--Doctor--my wife would like to see you first time you're
passing," I managed to say.
"Nothing serious, I hope?"
"Nothing much. A little matter of detail--that is--I mean Maudie's
chest--or rather Tommy's stomach."
"Oh, we'll soon put that right, bless you. Don't you worry yourself
about that, Mr. Spratt. Beautiful morning, isn't it?"
* * * * *
A little rough on Tommy, perhaps, but rougher on me.
* * * * *