The knowledge of being able to do exactly what is done in good society
puts its possessor entirely at ease in whatever sphere he may happen
to move. Tact and innate refinement do much to assist one unused to
society, but do not suffice; a thorough acquaintance with the social
observances in force is necessary. If the etiquette of walking and
driving contains few rules, they are none the less important; indeed we
are very prone to form our opinions of the breeding of persons by their
bearing and manners on the street. One of the first rules for everyone
in walking is quietness. Loud talking and laughing are never less in
good form than on the street. When and where to walk must be decided
by the customs of the locality where one lives. In general it may be
said that ladies should not walk unattended after nightfall in city
or village, and it is not considered good taste for a lady to appear
alone, in daylight, in crowded thoroughfares, fashionable promenades,
or in parks and other public resorts. In short, a public place is no
place for a lady if unaccompanied.
As regards the recognition of friends and acquaintances, it is the
privilege of a lady to take the initiative by being the first to bow; a
gentleman would not, as a rule, raise his hat to a lady until she had
accorded him this mark of recognition, although the act of bowing is a
simultaneous action on the part of both lady and gentleman, as a lady
would hardly bestow a bow on a gentleman not prepared to return it.
It has lately become the fashion for ladies to nod rather than bow to
their male acquaintances; making a short decisive movement of the head
only, instead of bending the neck. The nod is not in such good taste as
the bow. To bow well, cordially, yet with dignity, kindly yet quietly,
is a real accomplishment. Some one says, “The salutation is the
touchstone of good breeding.” The bow which is perfect in welcome, and
bears just enough dignity and just enough ease, is certainly effective.
It is a compliment to you. You feel happy at meeting the person so
accomplished.
A not uncommon rudeness is the failing to speak to people whom one has
met, because they are lower in social position or, perhaps, working
people. It is well, then, for us to remember the example of George
Washington and George IV., who took off their hats to their servants.
Bow to everyone whom you know, is the rule.
A gentleman returning the bow of a lady with whom he is but slightly
acquainted, would do so with a deferential air, but slightly raising
his hat from his head; but if he were an intimate acquaintance or
friend, he would raise his hat with far more freedom of action, thus
consequently raising his hat considerably higher; for a gentleman to
bow otherwise would appear too distant. In France and on the Continent,
the rule of bowing is reversed, and the gentleman is the first to bow
to the lady.
Between ladies but slightly acquainted, the lady of the higher rank
would bow first.
Gentlemen do not raise their hats in recognition of each other, but
simply nod. When a gentleman meets an acquaintance walking with ladies,
he would then, in compliment to the ladies, raise his hat to his
friend instead of simply nodding. Introductions on the street are not
imperative, but rather a matter of inclination. For instance: a lady
walking with a friend whom she was visiting, would introduce any person
whom she might happen to meet, to her hostess; and her hostess would
do likewise to her guest, unless there should be some reason for not
making the introduction—if so, explanations could be offered afterward.
In public promenades and watering places it is usual for gentlemen
to join ladies with whom they are acquainted, and walk with them. If
a lady stop a gentleman on the street he should turn and walk with
her. In no case should they stand for any length of time. An important
point, not always observed, is keeping to the right hand of the passer.
It is never allowable to take the left unless a gentleman be guiding a
lady through a crowd, when, to save her from being jostled, he may turn
to the left, but under ordinary circumstances this is not “good form.”
Ladies and gentlemen, whether related or not, never walk arm in arm
in promenades or public places unless the lady be an elderly one, or
require support. In driving in an open or close carriage, no particular
place is reserved for the owner of the carriage. When accompanied by
friends, guests always enter the carriage before the host or hostess.
Were there two guests, and one of them a young lady, she would
naturally seat herself with her back to the horses, leaving the other
seat for the married ladies. This, however, is a matter of courtesy
on her part. A gentleman takes the forward seat, if two ladies are
present, and a gentleman should dismount first with a view of assisting
the ladies out. As a rule the hostess should descend after her guest
and not before her; if necessary to do so, she should make some polite
remark in excuse. If a lady were merely calling on an acquaintance to
take her for a drive she would not descend from her carriage for the
purpose of allowing her to enter it before her.
These are the rules, but rules of etiquette, unless seasoned with
common sense, are dangerously stiff and unbecoming. It is wrong to
suppose that they form the basis of good manners. Principles, not
rules, do that, and the principles of high breeding may be reduced
to two: consideration for others’ feelings, and familiarity with the
fitness and beauty of things.