I thought you _very_ unkind, nay, very unfeeling, last night. My cares
and vexations, I will say what I allow myself to think—do me honour, as
they arise from disinterestedness and _unbending_ principles; nor can
that mode of conduct be a reflection on my understanding, which enables
me to bear misery, rather than selfishly live for myself alone. I am not
the only character deserving of respect, that has had to struggle with
various sorrows—while inferior minds have enjoyed local fame and present
comfort.—Dr. Johnson’s cares almost drove him mad—but I suppose, you
would quietly have told him, he was a fool for not being calm, and that
wise men striving against the stream, can yet be in good humour. I have
done with insensible human wisdom,—“indifference cold in wisdom’s
guise,”—and turn to the source of perfection—who perhaps never
disregarded an almost broken heart, especially when a respect, a
practical respect, for virtue, sharpened the wounds of adversity. I am
ill—I stayed in bed this morning till eleven o’clock, only thinking of
getting money to extricate myself out of some of my difficulties—the
struggle is now over. I will condescend to try to obtain some in a
disagreeable way.
Mr. —— called on me just now—pray did you know his motive for
calling[14]?—I think him impertinently officious.—He had left the house
before it occured to me in the strong light it does now, or I should
have told him so.—My poverty makes me proud—I will not be insulted by a
superficial puppy—His intimacy with Miss —— gave him a privilege, which
he should not have assumed with me—a proposal might be made to his
cousin, a milliner’s girl, which should not have been mentioned to me.
Pray tell him that I am offended—and do not wish to see him again——When
I meet him at your house, I shall leave the room, since I cannot pull
him by the nose. I can force my spirit to leave my body—but it shall
never bend to support that body—God of heaven, save thy child from this
living death!—I scarcely know what I write. My hand trembles—I am very
sick—sick at heart.—