London, December 8.
Having just been informed that —— is to return immediately to Paris, I
would not miss a sure opportunity of writing, because I am not certain
that my last, by Dover, has reached you.
Resentment, and even anger, are momentary emotions with me—and I wished
to tell you so, that if you ever think of me, it may not be in the light
of an enemy.
That I have not been used _well_ I must ever feel; perhaps, not always
with the keen anguish I do at present—for I began even now to write
calmly, and I cannot restrain my tears.
I am stunned!—Your late conduct still appears to me a frightful dream.
Ah! ask yourself if you have not condescended to employ a little
address, I could almost say cunning, unworthy of you?—Principles are
sacred things—and we never play with truth, with impunity.
The expectation (I have too fondly nourished it) of regaining your
affection, every day grows fainter and fainter.—Indeed it seems to me,
when I am more sad than usual, that I shall never see you more.—Yet you
will not always forget me. You will feel something like remorse, for
having lived only for yourself—and sacrificed my peace to inferior
gratifications. In a comfortless old age, you will remember that you had
one disinterested friend, whose heart you wounded to the quick. The hour
of recollection will come—and you will not be satisfied to act the part
of a boy, till you fall into that of a dotard. I know that your mind,
your heart, and your principles of action, are all superior to your
present conduct. You do, you must, respect me—and you will be sorry to
forfeit my esteem.
You know best whether I am still preserving the remembrance of an
imaginary being. I once thought that I knew you thoroughly—but now I am
obliged to leave some doubts that involuntarily press on me, to be
cleared up by time.
You may render me unhappy; but cannot make me contemptible in my own
eyes. I shall still be able to support my child, though I am
disappointed in some other plans of usefulness, which I once believed
would have afforded you equal pleasure.
Whilst I was with you, I restrained my natural generosity, because I
thought your property in jeopardy. When I went to ——, I requested you,
_if you could conveniently_, not to forget my father, sisters, and some
other people, whom I was interested about.—Money was lavished away, yet
not only my requests were neglected, but some trifling debts were not
discharged, that now come on me. Was this friendship—or generosity? Will
you not grant you have forgotten yourself? Still I have an affection for
you.—God bless you.
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