Aug. 26.
I arrived here last night, and with the most exquisite delight, once
more pressed my babe to my heart. We shall part no more. You perhaps
cannot conceive the pleasure it gave me, to see her run about, and play
alone. Her increasing intelligence attaches me more and more to her. I
have promised her that I will fulfil my duty to her; and nothing in
future shall make me forget it. I will also exert myself to obtain an
independence for her; but I will not be too anxious on this head.
I have already told you, that I have recovered my health. Vigour, and
even vivacity of mind, have returned with a renovated constitution. As
for peace, we will not talk of it. I was not made, perhaps, to enjoy the
calm contentment so termed.——
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You tell me that my letters torture you; I will not describe the effect
yours have on me. I received three this morning, the last dated the 7th
of this month. I mean not to give vent to the emotions they produced.
Certainly you are right; our minds are not congenial. I have lived in an
ideal world, and fostered sentiments that you do not comprehend—or you
would not treat me thus. I am not, I will not be, merely an object of
compassion, a clog, however light, to teize you. Forget that I exist: I
will never remind you. Something emphatical whispers me to put an end to
these struggles. Be free, I will not torment, when I cannot please. I
can take care of my child; you need not continually tell me that our
fortune is inseparable, _that you will try to cherish tenderness for
me._ Do no violence to yourself! When we are separated, our interest,
since you give so much weight to pecuniary considerations, will be
entirely divided. I want not protection without affection; and support I
need not, whilst my faculties are undisturbed. I had a dislike to living
in England; but painful feelings must give way to superior
considerations. I may not be able to acquire the sum necessary to
maintain my child and self elsewhere. It is too late to go to
Switzerland. I shall not remain at ——, living expensively. But be not
alarmed! I shall not force myself on you any more.
Adieu! I am agitated, my whole frame is convulsed, my lips tremble, as
if shook by cold, though fire seems to be circulating in my veins.
God bless you.
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