July 14.
I am now on my journey to ——. I felt more at leaving my child, than I
thought I should—and, whilst at night I imagined every instant that I
heard the half-formed sounds of her voice—I asked myself how I could
think of parting with her for ever, of leaving her thus helpless?
Poor lamb! It may run very well in a tale, that “God will temper the
winds to the shorn lamb;” but how can I expect that she will be
shielded, when my naked bosom has had to brave continually the pitiless
storm? Yes; I could add, with poor Lear—What is the war of elements to
the pangs of disappointed affection, and the horror arising from a
discovery of a breach of confidence, that snaps every social tie!
All is not right somewhere. When you first knew me, I was not thus lost.
I could still confide, for I opened my heart to you—of this only comfort
you have deprived me, whilst my happiness, you tell me, was your first
object. Strange want of judgment!
I will not complain; but, from the soundness of your understanding, I am
convinced, if you give yourself leave to reflect, you will also feel,
that your conduct to me, so far from being generous, has not been just.
I mean not to allude to factitious principles of morality; but to the
simple basis of all rectitude. However I did not intend to argue—Your
not writing is cruel, and my reason is perhaps disturbed by constant
wretchedness.
Poor —— would fain have accompanied me, out of tenderness; for my
fainting, or rather convulsion, when I landed, and my sudden changes of
countenance since, have alarmed her so much, that she is perpetually
afraid of some accident—But it would have injured the child this warm
season, as she is cutting her teeth.
I hear not of your having written to me at ——. Very well! Act as you
please, there is nothing I fear or care for! When I see whether I can,
or cannot obtain the money I am come here about, I will not trouble you
with letters to which you do not reply.