London, Friday, May 22.
I have just received your affectionate letter and am distressed to think
that I have added to your embarrassments at this troublesome juncture,
when the exertion of all the faculties of your mind appears to be
necessary, to extricate you out of your pecuniary difficulties. I
suppose it was something relative to the circumstance you have
mentioned, which made —— request to see me to-day, to _converse about a
matter of great importance_. Be that as it may, his letter (such is the
state of my spirits) inconceivably alarmed me, and rendered the last
night as distressing as the two former had been.
I have laboured to calm my mind since you left me—Still I find that
tranquillity is not to be obtained by exertion; it is a feeling so
different from the resignation of despair!—I am however no longer angry
with you—nor will I ever utter another complaint—there are arguments
which convince the reason, whilst they carry death to the heart—We have
had too many cruel explanations, that not only cloud every future
prospect; but embitter the remembrances which alone give life to
affection.—Let the subject never be revived!
It seems to me that I have not only lost the hope, but the power of
being happy.——Every emotion is now sharpened by anguish.—My soul has
been shook, and my tone of feelings destroyed.—I have gone out—and
sought for dissapation, if not amusement merely to fatigue still more, I
find, my irritable nerves.—
My friend—my dear friend—examine yourself well—I am out of the question;
for, alass! I am nothing—and discover what you wish to do—what will
render you most comfortable—or, to be more explicit—whether you desire
to live with me, or part for ever? When you can once ascertain it, tell
me frankly, I conjure you!—for, believe me, I have very involuntarily
interrupted your peace.
I shall expect you to dinner on Monday, and will endeavour to assume a
cheerful face to greet you—at any rate I will avoid conversations, which
only tend to harrass your feelings, because I am most affectionately
yours.
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