Feb. 19.
When I first received your letter, putting off your return to an
indefinite time, I felt so hurt, that I know not what I wrote. I am now
calmer though it was not the kind of wound over which time has the
quickest effect; on the contrary, the more I think, the sadder I grow.
Society fatigues me inexpressibly—So much so, that finding fault with
every one, I have only reason enough to discover that the fault is in
myself. My child alone interests me, and, but for her, I should not take
any pains to recover my health.
As it is, I shall wean her, and try if by that step (to which I feel a
repugnance, for it is my only solace) I can get rid of my cough.
Physicians talk much of the danger attending any complaint on the lungs,
after a woman has suckled for some months. They lay a stress also on the
necessity of keeping the mind tranquil—and my God! how has mine been
harrassed! But whilst the caprices of other women are gratified, “the
wind of heaven not suffered to visit them too rudely,” I have not found
a guardian angel, in heaven or on earth, to ward off sorrow or care from
my bosom.
What sacrifices have you not made for a woman you did not respect!—But I
will not go over this ground—I want to tell you that I do not understand
you. You say that you have not given up all thoughts of returning
here—and I know that it will be necessary—nay, is. I cannot explain
myself; but if you have not lost your memory, you will easily divine my
meaning. What! is our life then only to be made up of separations? and
am I only to return to a country, that has not merely lost all charms
for me, but for which I feel a repugnance that almost amounts to horror,
only to be left there a prey to it!
Why is it so necessary that I should return?—brought up here, my girl
would be freer. Indeed, expecting you to join us, I had formed some
plans of usefulness that have now vanished with my hopes of happiness.
In the bitterness of my heart, I could complain with reason, that I am
left here dependant on a man, whose avidity to acquire a fortune has
rendered him callous to every sentiment connected with social or
affectionate emotions. With a brutal insensibility, he cannot help
displaying the pleasure your determination to stay gives him, in spite
of the effect it is visible it has had on me.
Till I can earn money, I shall endeavour to borrow some, for I want to
avoid asking him continually for the sum necessary to maintain me. Do
not mistake me, I have never been refused.—Yet I have gone half a dozen
times to the house to ask for it, and come away without speaking——you
must guess why—Besides, I wish to avoid hearing of the eternal projects
to which you have sacrificed my peace not remembering—but I will be
silent for ever.——