It was a grand meeting of the literary gents. They had all heard about
the War from their publishers, and there had been one or two suggestive
allusions in _The Author_. The question of the moment was, "How can we
help?" The chairman was the President of the Society of Authors, who
knew everybody by sight.
The first to rise was Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE, but he failed to catch the
Chairman's eye, which had been secured by Mr. H. G. WELLS. This
well-known strategist rose to point out that what England wanted in the
event of an invasion was the man, the gun and the trench. When he said
man he meant an adult male of the human species. A gun was a firearm
from which bullets were discharged by an explosion of gunpowder. A
trench, he averred, amid loud protests from the ex-Manager of the
Haymarket Theatre, was a long narrow cut in the earth. He had already
pointed out these facts to the War Office, but had received no reply.
Apparently Earl KITCHENER required time for the information to soak in.
Was it or was it not a national scandal? His new nov---- (Deleted by
Chairman).
After a little coaxing, Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS was persuaded to rise to his
feet. He said deferentially in the first place that he was not a savage.
(General cheering, in which might be detected a note of sincere relief.)
He lived at Torquay. (Oh, oh.) He had never been to London before, and
was surprised to find it such a large place. (General silence.) He had
been a pacifist--(Hear, hear)--but he now thought the GERMAN EMPEROR was
a humbug. He wished it to be known that his attitude was now one of
great 'umbleness. The war could go on as far as he was concerned.
(Applause.) Although he had given up writing about Dartmoor he had that
morning applied for the post of Military Member of the Invasion
Committee of the Torquay Division of Devonshire. (Profound sensation.)
He didn't know if he should get it, but his friend, Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT,
with whom he used once to collab---- (Deleted by Chairman).
Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE then took the floor, but was interrupted by the
arrival of the Military Member of the Invasion Committee of the
Thorpe-le-Soken Division of Essex.
Hanging his feathered helmet on the door-peg and thrusting his sword and
scabbard into the umbrella-stand, Mr. ARNOLD BENNETT took a seat at the
table, afterwards putting out his chest. Mr. WELLS was observed to sink
into an elaborately assumed apathy. But in his eyes was a bitter envy.
Mr. BENNETT, after clearing his throat, said that he had settled the
War. Everybody was to do what they were told and what that was would be
told them in due course. He and the War Office had had it out. He had
insisted on something being done, and the War Office, which wasn't such
a fool as some authors thought (with a meaning look at Mr. WELLS), had
been most affable. Everything now was all right. His next book was to be
a war nov---- (Deleted by Chairman).
Mr. HAROLD BEGBIE then rose to his feet simultaneously with Mr. WM. LE
QUEUX.
Mr. WM. LE QUEUX said that he owned an autograph portrait of the KAISER.
It was signed "Yours with the belt, BILL." The speaker would sell it on
behalf of the War Funds and humbly apologised to his brother authors for
having knocked about so much in his youth with emperors and persons of
that kind. It should not occur again. He pointed out that he had
foretold this War, and that his famous book, _The Great War_
of--whenever it was--was to be brought up to date in the form of ----
(Deleted by Chairman).
At this juncture it was brought to the Chairman's notice that Mr. H. G.
WELLS was missing. An anxious search revealed the fact that the
ornamental sword and plumed casque of the Military Member of the
Invasion Committee of the Thorpe-le-Soken Division of Essex had
disappeared at the same time, and the meeting broke up in disorder.
* * * * *
Illustration: THE SUPREME TEST.
_The Civilian._ "I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. FANCY MARCHIN' THIRTY MILES
WITH THE RIFLE, AND THAT PACK ON YER BACK!"
_The Tommy_. "YES, AND MIND YOU--IT'S TIPPERARY ALL THE WAY!"
* * * * *
Our Sporting Press Again. "Sporting rifles have been bought in Paris
for pheasant-shooting."--_Daily News._
* * * * *