transmutation at all takes place; the only difference is, that people
discover each other's true characters when it is too late to remedy
their want of accordance, and then it is much worse to find yourself
ill yoked in marriage, than suffering disagreement in any other
relation of life. If children live unhappily with parents, there are
all the chances of death, matrimony, and profession, for separating the
discordant elements. If brothers and sisters quarrel, _they_ too are
free to hope at least for better days; and in both these cases the evil
in question is not of a man's own contriving. No one feels lessened
in his own eyes, however he may be otherwise vexed, if he loses at a
game of hazard; but marriage is like chess, if we are _check-mated_
there, it is our own fault, and proves our want of penetration. This,
madam, is a grand cause of unhappiness in married life. People cannot
forgive themselves for having sacrificed their liberties, and committed
_felo de se_ on their own peace. If you are not satisfied with the
causes already given, of disunion in this generally luckless bond, I
can supply you with fresh impediments to contentment, without going
out of my way in search of them. I see people every day whose wits are
all laid up in ordinary, like ships of war after a battle, which, when
once the conflict is over, are dismantled, and left to their fate.
Intellect, madam, which you ladies of the _Blue school_ make such a
fuss about, is a pretty toy in the hands and heads of single folk,
who turn it to account for pleasure or profit; but in married life,
it is not wanted. People who are buckled together, probably know each
other's sentiments upon most subjects; and no one would ever be at the
trouble of talking upon abstract matters, if the vanity of display,
the pride of triumph and the stimulus of novelty, were put out of the
question. The world of _fashion_ is not troubled with brains in either
_one_ condition or the _other_; and as for your Darbys and Joans, it is
far better for them to nod at each other in a couple of arm-chairs in
the chimney corner, than debate about morals, manners, or 'the Punic
war.' Madam, man is _sui generis_, a pugnacious dogged animal, and
requires all the restraints which public opinion imposes, to prevent
him from being rude and overbearing. Amongst strangers he _must_ not
be so, or if he give way, and outstep the bounds of propriety, he is
sure to get a timely rap over the knuckles, which calls him to order;
but in his own family he is generally a bear without its muzzle on,
and depend upon it, the less _argument_ the better between the sexes,
when once they are noosed in the holy bands. They have enough to do
to get through the daily affairs of life, without fighting in earnest
upon practical subjects; and are foolish if they throw away time in
idle skirmishing on theoretical topics. What signifies it to any man,
or woman either, whether Newton's _Principia_ be founded, or not,
in true philosophy; whether Lock's Essay on the Human Understanding
be or be not unanswerable; whether air and water are simples or
compounds; whether the earths can be turned into metals, and diamonds
be reducible, so as to leave no residuum behind in the crucible. Such
points are very useful and interesting to mathematicians, professors
of moral philosophy and chemists, but what have lawyers, physicians,
officers in the army and navy, merchants, and country gentlemen, to do
with these matters at their fire-sides? No, madam, people must, that
is, the _major part_ of mankind, must marry, for so it is ordained.
The earth must be replenished, and marriage is the nursery to furnish
a succession of young plants, as the old ones die down, and return
to their dust; but _wise_ people (I grant you that they are few in
number), purchase exemption from many of the thorns and vexations of
life by the union of well-lined purses. Prudent parents, by insisting
on good settlements and suitable _pin-money_ (as a separate income
is foolishly called), may secure their daughters against the tyranny
of present power, and future extravagance; while a man who marries a
good fortune, is enabled to relieve both himself and his wife from the
_tedium vitæ_ of each other's society, by keeping a hospitable table at
which cheerful company may beguile the monotony of domestic routine."
Mrs. Fitzroy smiled, and said, "Well, at least you are candid enough
to throw the principal odium on the male part of creation, and I
believe that many women would heartily thank you for the establishment
of liberal _pin_ money, which, according to your account, is very
_aptly_ named I think, as it is the only arrangement you say, that
attaches the parties to each other, and prevents perpetual flying off?"
"Yes, madam, in ninety-nine cases out of every hundred, money is at the
_bottom_ of domestic strife. Some women are fools and lavish, others
are cunning and narrow-minded; but, almost _all_ men are devoted to the
_love of power_, and hate to share the dominion over their coffers.
It may perhaps surprise you to hear what I am going to say, coming
from the lips of a rough mortal like myself, but I will confess that I
have never known any thing approaching to happiness or respectability
in married life where, if the woman did not manage all the pecuniary
concerns of the family, she had not at least an equal share in them. I
have a tolerably bad opinion, generally speaking, of _both_ sexes, but
of the _two_, I think yours better than my own. Lord Chesterfield, who
saw human nature in its true colours, though he abuses men and women
without _parsimony_, still allots something of a better character,
because a less selfish one to the ladies, when in his division of
mankind, he asserts that "the former are compounded of vanity and
avarice; the latter of vanity and love.'"
"I hate these cynics," said Mrs. Fitzroy; "and as to _you_, Mr.
Bentley, I feel certain, that some early disappointment in life might
tell its tale, and account for your cross-grained notions of the world.
Let me hear what Mr. Otway says on this subject."
"My opinions," said the amiable Lord of Lisfarne, so far agree
with those of my worthy friend, that I feel the imperfection of my
_species_, and have only to turn my thoughts inward to perceive the
depravity and weakness of the human heart. Yet in this motley world
there is _much_ enjoyment, _much_ rational happiness, if we use with
moderation the materials which Providence has bountifully placed
within our reach. The fact is, that this scene is _too_ alluring with
all its errors and misfortunes; and a far greater share of good might
be achieved if we did not mar our own happiness. It has been my lot
to see the finest endowments of human character united in the bonds
of wedded affection, and I have lived to see such perfect harmony in
married life, that I can never charge the preponderance of misery that
we daily witness to the state _itself_. On the contrary, were people
to employ only as much attention in this most important act of life,
as they do in any ordinary traffic, we should not have to deplore the
shipwreck of domestic happiness in ninety-nine instances out of every
hundred: but I am far from thinking that it requires to be highly
gifted to be happy. If the capacity of one vessel be as a pint, that
of another as a gallon, and a third as a hogshead, all may be _full_,
and none can be _more_ than full. I am of opinion, too, that very
unequal measures of intellect may meet both profitably and agreeably
in connubial life, though there can be no doubt of the superior charms
of such companionship as that to which I first alluded; but it is a
singular coincidence, that I should at this moment have a letter in my
pocket from a relation of my own, precisely apposite to our present
argument, which, if you like, I will read to you."
We had just requested to hear the story, when Frederick came running
out of breath, to summon us all to the beach where the nets were
drawing. We immediately started up, and hurrying towards the shore,
adjourned our debate till after dinner, when _Phil._ engaged to fulfil
his promise. Assembled on the edge of the lake, we saw several of the
finest salmon I ever beheld, brought to land, and M'Carty More having
secured two of the largest, for which he made the bargain himself, he
proposed that we should proceed to Dinas Island, where the fish was to
be roasted after the manner in which the people here are accustomed
to dress it. As we were preparing to go on board the boat, Frederick
whispered to me a remark that M'Carty had made, in his untutored
phrase, upon Bentley the elder, and Mr. Otway, as he saw them walking
forward together.
"There goes a pair that were never made to walk abreast."
"How do you mean?" said Fred.
"Why, sir, that straight and crooked, bitter and sweet, short and long,
are fitter for-harness than those two men."
"Describe them M'Carty," answered Fred. "I will then," replied the
boatman. "Mr. Otway is just what a _raeal_ gentlemen ought to be,
neither too rough nor too smooth. He knows his _distance_ (meaning, I
conclude, his station), and never mounts above it, nor falls below it;
he is mild and good like a child, though a _raisonable_ man, that has
a why for every wherefore; but Mr. Bentley, Sir, never got out of bed
in his life, that it was'nt with the left foot foremost, and so every
thing goes contrary with him."
How admirable are these rough sketches by ignorant beings of the lowest
class! Oh the exquisite beauty of Dinas! but I have made a vow not
to entangle you in bowers, nor plunge you in the silver stream. This
island is flat, and of much greater extent than Innisfallen; there is
a pretty cottage upon it, where preparations were made for our repast
by those amphibious animals who live indifferently on land and water,
and who were suddenly metamorphosed into cooks, having previously
performed the parts of rowers, and next of fishermen. They instantly
split the salmon, and having cut some stakes of arbutus, _spitted_
the fish, and fixed it in the ground, then lighting a fire all round,
completed the operation with culinary skill, and served up, in process
of time, the best dish of fish that I have tasted. This mode of
cooking has a peculiar name, and a salmon dressed in the manner that
I have mentioned, is said to be _kibbobed_, the term, as Mr. Oliphant
informed us, applied to a favourite food in Persia, which is made by
splitting and broiling fowls, as the fish was managed here, and in the
method to which we gave the name of _spatchcock_--another coincidence
between that country and the Island of Saints. When we had finished our
rural banquet, and again _filed off into_ detachments, I found myself
pursuing a beautiful pathway among the trees, along the border of the
Lake, arm-in-arm with Mr. Otway; and, when we had interchanged some
remarks on the loveliness of the surrounding scenery, I begged him to
give me a key to some of the characters that composed our party.
"Mr. Bentley is a very amusing person to me," said I, "and his _running
bass_ of _ill_ humour so _good_ humouredly expressed, forms an
anomaly in his manner exceedingly diverting. Mrs. Fitzroy too is very
agreeable, and the continual skirmishing sustained with so much spirit
on her side, between that lady and Mr. Bentley, is fully as pleasant
as "Mathews at Home;" but I am not enough acquainted to understand her
completely, and, as for young Bentley, though I _like_ him much, and
_esteem_ him more, I am not familiar with his _style_, and wish, of all
things, for some light into his history."
"You have set me a task," answered Mr. Otway, "which would require more
time to execute than we have at present to spare; but you are perfectly
right in your conjecture, that they are all three worth knowing _au
fond_ as characters of peculiar though very different construction;
and I look upon every one of them as such a well defined specimen of
its genus, that were I assorting mankind, as a cutler does knives and
scissors, I would stick my three friends on the outside of my parcels,
as indexes to the contents within each paper of the several classes to
which they belong. Though the lady claims precedence, I will tell you
something of my old neighbour to begin with:--Mrs. Fitzroy made a true
hit to-day, when she said that she was certain he had been disappointed
in early life. It was exactly the case. He began the world with humble
expectations, and was intended for the profession of an attorney.
Nature had given him a strong and shrewd understanding, set in one of
those brazen scabbards that defy the inroads of time and bad weather.
He was one of many children, and accustomed, as the sailors say, to
_roughing it_, through life. With a body in which _nerves_ were left
out, and a mind divested of any troublesome sensibilities, he _tackled_
to his calling, and had not fortune stepped in between him and the
necessity of working for his bread, would not only have been one of
the most active of the busy fraternity with which he was incorporated,
but would also, I believe, have set a praiseworthy example of upright
conduct; for I look upon him as a man of incorruptible integrity. He
had finished his _noviciate_, and was just embarking in this minor
department of the law, with a respectable coadjutor, when he began to
think that a partner of the softer sex might be a proper _coping to
the wall_ of his destiny; and accordingly he made his proposals to a
young lady of some personal attraction, and such a convenient _modicum_
of wealth as, without rendering it presumptuous to approach her,
flattered his self-complacency with the prospect of meriting, at least,
an _ovation_ for his success. There was no _if_ in the calculation;
a doubt never once insinuated itself into his mind; not that he was
a conceited or overbearing young man by any means; but his opinions,
derived from vulgar sources, were made up in bundles, endorsed, and
stowed away in the various compartments of his pericranium, where
they were alphabetically arranged like papers in the pigeon-holes of
his desk. On looking at number thirteen, letter M, and taking down
the packet, he found it docketed 'Marriage;' and on turning a page,
the following synopsis of contents may, we suppose, have presented
itself to his view:--'Eight and twenty; fair time to look for a
wife--marriage, convenient for man--indispensable for woman--idle to
marry without money--a profession, may reasonably be reckoned against
three or four thousand pounds. Any thing over five feet eight _tells_
in the appearance of a man; figure of more consequence than face,
with a man _on his preferment_ as touching the other sex.' It was not
needful to seek farther into the documents thus labelled. My worthy
friend, perhaps, heaved a natural sigh, as he involuntarily approached
his faithful mirror for the purpose of smartening his dress, and read
the mortifying sentence of 'hard featured,' which, added to the painful
certainty that he wanted two inches of standard measure, might have
damped the energies of our would-be Benedick, had it not been that
some unseen but friendly spirit so frequently takes compassion on
our humiliation, and whispers comfort in extremity. Such consolatory
unction was poured into Bentley's bosom in this trying moment. If his
optics rested on a snub nose, ferret eyes, and pock-marked cheeks,
his good genius breathed into his ear the words 'quick, intelligent,
droll;' and when the fidelity of a two-foot rule forced the unwelcome
conviction of five feet six as the utmost height to which truth would
permit him to aspire, the soothing sounds of 'well-built, compact,
genteel,' again fell on his organ of hearing, as if sent from Heaven
to encourage his faultering purpose. The toilette ended, Bentley took
his well brushed hat, and catching up a slight rattan, which not only
gave a finish to that _dapper_ activity on which he meant to rest the
character of his appearance, to which _grace_ was unfortunately denied,
but was likewise useful in supplying an object _with_ which to twirl
away an awkward feeling, should such arise, our hero set out, and
walked towards Surgeon Sharp's, with an expression in his gait which,
if called upon to translate, you would have interpreted by the words,
'secure, confiding, and self-satisfied.' Alas! what vicissitudes are
incident to our mortal career!
"Bentley returned to number one, Mortgage Row, had a rapid vision of
his chop-fallen countenance in the large brass plate upon which was
engraved 'Deeds, Bentley and Co.;' rushed to his apartment, exchanged
his black stock for an easier neck-cloth, and, whistling louder than
he had ever been known to do before, took four steps in every stride
down stairs, and joined his partner, a keen, sarcastic, but sensible
man, from whom I had the greater part of these particulars, at dinner.
But, as every man has his evil, as well as his friendly genius, rumour
has spread to the winds that poor Bentley's thoughts being unpleasantly
occupied, he wished to drown them, and swallowing a more liberal
potation than was his ordinary custom, of native spirit, diluted with
warm water, and seasoned with lemon and sugar, experience confirmed the
proverb of '_in vino veritas_,' the half-muttered sounds of 'rejected
addresses,' and stimulated the curiosity of Mr. Jacob Deeds. The
distressing confession distilled from Bentley's lips, and so entirely
did he lose all prudent controul over his feelings, that the boy who
passed to and fro with the dinner apparatus, heard sufficient of his
misadventure to make a good foundation, and splicing on from his own
invention as much as was requisite to complete the story, he published
his master's disgrace with the diligence of a bell-man that evening.
When Bentley went to court on the following day, he was attacked on all
sides, and to come to the _moral_ of my tale, this _debut_ in _love
affairs_ gave the bias which has influenced the life and character
of my honest neighbour from seven and twenty to sixty years of age.
Had _affection_ been blighted, I could not even _now_ laugh at his
expense, but his pride alone was engaged. The prudential aphorisms
which he had learned of vulgar parents, had established certain points
as fixed principles in his mind, not requiring farther discussion.
Amongst these, was the firm belief that no young woman could possibly
refuse a tolerable match, and _partiality_ having, perhaps, represented
the offer of his own hand as something _beyond_ the average of good
luck in the case of Miss Sharp, it was too much for his philosophy to
find such a flaw in a theory which might have otherwise lasted to the
end of his days, and not only this vexation in the abstract, but the
particular sting of furnishing the contradiction in his own person.
He began with rage, and finding no balsam in his wrath, he turned
on mankind, and revenged, by the poignancy of his satire against the
whole species, this fancied wrong inflicted by a single individual. In
a short time after, an advertisement appeared in the papers, setting
forth the death of a person who possessed considerable property, and
who dying intestate, and without any near relations, the next of kin
were called upon to declare themselves. At the end of a suit which
occupied four or five years, my friend's claim was substantiated, and
he was put in peaceable possession. The progress of time, which mellows
men and wine, together with the healing which affluence brought to his
pride, operated a salutary change, not in kind but degree. His mind had
received a bent which no after circumstances of his life had power to
alter, but every year has produced a softening effect, and he is now,
comparatively, smooth as oil. George, who is the only son of a brother,
who died a few years ago, will probably inherit his uncle's estate,
if he can submit to the penalty of being guided solely by his advice.
Of this I doubt, and, as I have a great regard for the young man, I
cannot help watching him with anxiety."
I delight so much in Mr. Otway, that I treasure all he says, and have
given you his account of old Bentley as nearly as possible, in his
own words; but just as I pressed him to tell me all that he knew of
the nephew, we were joined by some stragglers of our party, amongst
whom was Bentley himself. The weather was enchanting, the Lake dotted
with boats, and we perceived that our island was not sacred to us. As
we proceeded to explore the intricacies which thickets of the finest
evergreens concealed from our view, several voices assailed us at
once; we saw a number of gay-looking people land from a barge at a
little distance; feathers waved in the air, peals of laughter were
driven by the breeze, and we would gladly have retired, but a sort of
rude curiosity, common to fashionable people, impelled the strangers
to overtake and see _what we were like._ Conceive my astonishment
on hearing my name pronounced, and, in a moment, finding myself in
the midst of a group composed of Lady Matilda Murray, her pretty
daughters, her son Henry, Lord John Craven, young Lewellyn Spencer,
and half a score others, with whom I was slightly, or not at all
acquainted, and who might have been mistaken for figures hired from
a hair dresser's shop window to swell Lady Matilda's train, if it
had not been for the uproar that they made. Conscious, long ago, of
the revolution which has taken place in my mind, I never knew its
full extent till this meeting. Nay, I have often felt at intervals
that opportunity might again betray me into my former participation
in all the follies which used to occupy without interesting me; but
Dinas island has finished my conversion. The place seemed absolutely
profaned by the presence of this silly group of milliners' dolls, and
hair-dressers' dandies. It was so incongruous a sight, that, forgetting
how lately I had been one of themselves; that I too had lived in
London's west end, and that steam packets and post horses had not
ceased to be when _I_ was deposited in the County of Kerry, I wondered
like an idiot how they came to Killarney; and I believe looked as
the savage of Averon might have done, had he suddenly met the _beau
monde_ of Versailles in his forest. The whole set gathered round me at
once, and, totally regardless of the company to which I was attached,
they overwhelmed me with questions all talking together. Even Miss
Murray, whom we used to call the "sleeping beauty," seemed inspired
with animation, and became as obstreperous as her sister. When the din
had in some degree subsided, Lady Matilda, in a languid drawl, said,
"I assure you, Mr. Howard, you should not waste time in these wilds.
Reports are in circulation respecting some members of your family; and
delays are dangerous. The prize may slip out of your sister's fingers
if you are tardy. I speak as a true friend, I do assure you." "Aye,
aye," added her ass of a son, who was standing close to us, "bag the
game Howard as fast as you can, or i' faith it may fly and leave you in
the lurch."--Before I had time to utter a syllable in reply to these
impertinencies, Miss Angelina Murray abruptly exclaimed, "oh! but
would it not be excellent if Mr. Howard were to give us a sermon
_al fresco_. All the world is of opinion that he has turned Methodist,
and it would be charming to tell of this adventure when we go back. Do
dear Mr. Howard, you may make it as short as ever you please; but _do_
indulge us with a discourse. Here I will send Lord John for my cloak;
you shall put it on, and fancy it a full suit of canonicals. Pray do
not disappoint your congregation."
This wit, which appeared to be considered quite attic, was received
with bursts of laughter, which intoxicating its vapid author, she would
have gone on plaguing me with her nonsense till now, if I had not
cleared my throat, and, like a canary bird, conquered every other voice
by the vociferation of my own. At length I was heard, and succeeded in
telling Lady Matilda that I had come like herself to see Killarney;
that like her too I intended returning to town, and if arrived there
before her Ladyship, should be happy to execute her commands.