_Eu._ I could always wish to have such a Porter.
_Ca._ And I to have such Visitors.
_Eu._ But fare you well, _Kitty_.
_Ca._ What's the Matter, do you take Leave before you salute?
_Eu._ I did not come hither to see you cry: What's the Matter, that as
soon as ever you see me, the Tears stand in your Eyes?
_Ca._ Why in such Haste? Stay a little; pray stay. I'll put on my better
Looks, and we'll be merry together.
_Eu._ What Sort of Cattle have we got here?
_Ca._ 'Tis the Patriarch of the College: Don't go away, they have had
their Dose of Fuddle: Stay but a little While, and as soon as he is
gone, we will discourse as we use to do.
_Eu._ Well, I'll be so good natur'd as to hearken to you, though you
would not to me. Now we are alone, you must tell me the whole Story, I
would fain have it from your Mouth.
_Ca._ Now I have found by Experience, of all my Friends, which I took to
be very wise Men too, that no Body gave more wise and grave Advice than
you, that are the youngest of 'em all.
_Eu._ Tell me, how did you get your Parents Consent at last?
_Ca._ First, by the restless Sollicitations of the Monks and Nuns, and
then by my own Importunities and Tears, my Mother was at length brought
over; but my Father stood out stiffly still: But at last being ply'd by
several Engines, he was prevail'd upon to yield; but yet, rather like
one that was forced, than that consented. The Matter was concluded in
their Cups, and they preach'd Damnation to him, if he refus'd to let
Christ have his Spouse.
_Eu._ O the Villany of Fools! But what then?
_Ca._ I was kept close at Home for three Days; but in the mean Time
there were always with me some Women of the College that they call
_Convertites_, mightily encouraging me to persist in my holy Resolution,
and watching me narrowly, lest any of my Friends or Kindred should come
at me, and make me alter my Mind. In the mean While, my Habit was making
ready, and the Provision for the Feast.
_Eu._ How did you find yourself? Did not your Mind misgive you yet?
_Ca._ No, not at all; and yet I was so horridly frighted, that I had
rather die ten Times over, than suffer the same again.
_Eu._ What was that, pray?
_Ca._ It is not to be uttered.
_Eu._ Come, tell me freely, you know I'm your Friend.
_Ca._ Will you keep Counsel?
_Eu._ I should do that without promising, and I hope you know me better
than to doubt of it.
_Ca._ I had a most dreadful Apparition.
_Eu._ Perhaps it was your evil Genius that push'd you on to this.
_Ca._ I am fully persuaded it was an evil Spirit.
_Eu._ Tell me what Shape it was in. Was it such as we use to paint with
a crooked Beak, long Horns, Harpies Claws, and swinging Tail?
_Ca._ You make a Game of it, but I had rather sink into the Earth, than
see such another.
_Eu._ And were your Women Sollicitresses with you then?
_Ca._ No, nor I would not so much as open my Lips of it to them, though
they sifted me most particularly about it, when they found me almost
dead with the Surprise.
_Eu._ Shall I tell you what it was?
_Ca._ Do if you can.
_Eu._ Those Women had certainly bewitch'd you, or conjur'd your Brain
out of your Head rather. But did you persist in your Resolution still,
for all this?
_Ca._ Yes, for they told me, that many were thus troubled upon their
first consecrating themselves to Christ; but if they got the better of
the Devil that Bout, he'd let them alone for ever after.
_Eu._ Well, what Pomp were you carried out with?
_Ca._ They put on all my Finery, let down my Hair, and dress'd me just
as if it had been for my Wedding.
_Eu._ To a fat Monk, perhaps; Hem! a Mischief take this Cough.
_Ca._ I was carried from my Father's House to the College by broad
Day-Light, and a World of People staring at me.
_Eu._ O these Scaramouches, how they know to wheedle the poor People!
How many Days did you continue in that holy College of Virgins,
forsooth?
_Ca._ Till Part of the twelfth Day.
_Eu._ But what was it that changed your Mind, that had been so
resolutely bent upon it?
_Ca._ I must not tell you what it was, but it was something very
considerable. When I had been there six Days, I sent for my Mother; I
begged of her, and besought her, as she lov'd my Life, to get me out of
the College again. She would not hear on't, but bad me hold to my
Resolution. Upon that I sent for my Father, but he chid me too, telling
me, that I had made him master his Affections, and that now he'd make me
master mine, and not disgrace him, by starting from my Purpose. At last,
when I saw that I could do no good with them this Way, I told my Father
and Mother both, that to please them, I would submit to die, and that
would certainly be my Fate, if they did not take me out, and that very
quickly too; and upon this, they took me Home.
_Eu._ It was very well that you recanted before you had profess'd
yourself for good and all: But still, I don't hear what it was changed
your Mind so suddenly.
_Ca._ I never told any Mortal yet, nor shall.
_Eu._ What if I should guess?
_Ca._ I'm sure you can't guess it; and if you do, I won't tell you.
_Eu._ Well, for all that, I guess what it was. But in the mean Time, you
have been at a great Charge.
_Ca._ Above 400 Crowns.
_Eu._ O these guttling Nuptials! Well, but I am glad though the Money is
gone, that you're safe: For the Time to come, hearken to good Counsel
when it is given you.
_Ca._ So I will. _The burnt Child dreads the Fire._
_The UNEASY WIFE._
The ARGUMENT.
_This Colloquy, entitled_, The uneasy Wife: _Or_, Uxor
[Greek: Mempsigamos], _treats of many Things that relate
to the mutual Nourishment of conjugal Affection.
Concerning the concealing a Husband's Faults; of not
interrupting conjugal Benevolence; of making up
Differences; of mending a Husband's Manners; of a Woman's
Condescension to her Husband. What is the Beauty of a
Woman; she disgraces herself, that disgraces her Husband;
that the Wife ought to submit to the Husband; that the
Husband ought not to be out of Humour when the Wife is;
and on the Contrary; that they ought to study mutual
Concord, since there is no Room for Advice; that they
ought to conceal one another's Faults, and not expose one
another; that it is in the Power of the Wife to mend her
Husband; that she ought to carry herself engagingly,
learn his Humour, what provokes him or appeases him; that
all Things be in Order at Home; that he have what he
likes best to eat; that if the Husband be vext, the Wife
don't laugh; if he be angry, that she should speak
pleasantly to him, or hold her Tongue; that what she
blames him for, should be betwixt themselves; the Method
of admonishing; that she ought to make her Complaint to
no Body but her Husband's Parents; or to some peculiar
Friends that have an Influence upon him. The Example of a
prudent Man, excellently managing a young morose Wife, by
making his Complaint to her Father. Another of a prudent
Wife, that by her good Carriage reformed a Husband that
frequented leud Company, Another of a Man that had beaten
his Wife in his angry Fit; that Husbands are to be
overcome, brought into Temper by Mildness, Sweetness, and
Kindness; that there should be no Contention in the
Chamber or in the Bed; but that Care should be taken,
that nothing but Pleasantness and Engagingness be there.
The Girdle of_ Venus _is Agreeableness of Manners.
Children make a mutual Amity. That a Woman separated from
her Husband, is nothing: Let her always be mindful of the
Respect that is due to a Husband._