_RA._ Soho, soho, Rascal, I am hoarse a bawling to you, and you lye
snoring still, you'll sleep for ever I think in my Conscience; either
get up presently or I'll rouze you with a good Cudgel. When will you
have slept out your Yesterday's Debauch? Are you not asham'd, you sleepy
Sot, to lye a-bed till this time of Day? Good Servants rise as soon as
it is Day, and take Care to get every Thing in order before their Master
rises. How loth this Drone is to leave his warm Nest! he is a whole Hour
a scratching, and stretching, and yawning.
_Sy._ It is scarce Day yet.
_Ra._ I believe not to you; it is Midnight yet to your Eyes.
_Sy._ What do you want me to do?
_Ra._ Make the Fire burn, brush my Cap and Cloke, clean my Shoes and
Galloshoes, take my Stockings and turn them inside out, and brush them
well, first within, and then without, burn a little Perfume to sweeten
the Air, light a Candle, give me a clean Shirt, air it well before a
clear Fire.
_Sy._ It shall be done Sir.
_Ra._ But make Haste then, all this ought to have been done before now.
_Sy._ I do make Haste Sir.
_Ra._ I see what Haste you make, you are never the forwarder, you go a
Snail's Gallop.
_Sy._ Sir, I cannot do two Things at once.
_Ra._ You Scoundrel, do you speak Sentences too? Take away the
Chamber-Pot, lay the Bed-Clothes to Rights, draw back the Curtains,
sweep the House, sweep the Chamber-floor, fetch me some Water to wash my
Hands. What are you a sliving about you Drone? You are a Year a lighting
a Candle.
_Sy._ I can't find a Spark of Fire.
_Ra._ Is it so you rak'd it up last Night?
_Sy._ I have no Bellows.
_Ra._ How the Knave thwarts me, as if he that has you can want Bellows.
_Sy._ What an imperious Master have I gotten! Ten of the nimblest
Fellows in the World are scarce sufficient to perform his Orders.
_Ra._ What's that you say you slow-Back?
_Sy._ Nothing at all, Sir.
_Ra._ No, Sirrah, did I not hear you mutter?
_Sy._ I was saying my Prayers.
_Ra._ Ay, I believe so, but it was the Lord's-Prayer backwards then.
Pray, what was that you were chattering about Imperiousness?
_Sy._ I was wishing you might be an Emperor.
_Ra._ And I wish you may be made a Man of a Stump of a Tree. Wait upon
me to Church, and then run Home and make the Bed, and put every Thing in
its Place; let the House be set to Rights from Top to Bottom, rub the
Chamber-Pot, put these foul Things out of Sight, perhaps I may have
some Gentry come to pay me a Visit; if I find any Thing out of Order
I'll thresh you soundly.
_Sy._ I know your good Humour well enough in that Matter.
_Ra._ Then it behoves you to look about you, if you are wise.
_Sy._ But all this while here is not one Word about Dinner.
_Ra._ Out you Villain, one may see what your Mind runs on. I don't dine
at Home, therefore come to me a little before Ten a-Clock, that you may
wait upon me where I am to go to Dinner.
_Sy._ You have taken Care of yourself, but there is not a Bit of Bread
for me to put into my Head.
_Ra._ If you have nothing to eat, you have something to hunger after.
_Sy._ But Fasting won't fill the Belly.
_Ra._ There is Bread for you.
_Sy._ There is so, but it is as black as my Hat, and as coarse as the
Bran itself.
_Ra._ You dainty chap'd Fellow, you ought to be fed with Hay, if you had
such Commons as you deserve. What, I warrant you, Mr. Ass, you must be
fed with Plumb Cakes, must you? If you can't eat dry Bread, take a Leek
to eat with it, or an Onion, if you like that better.
* * * * *
_2. Of sending about various Businesses._
_Ra._ You must go to Market.
_Sy._ What, so far?
_Ra._ It is not a Stone's Throw off, but it seems two Miles to such an
idle Fellow as you; but however, I'll save you as much Labour as I can,
you shall dispatch several Businesses in one Errand; count 'em upon your
Fingers, that mayn't forget any of 'em: First of all step to the
Salesman, and bring my water'd Camblet Doublet if it be done; then go
and enquire for _Cornelius_ the Waggoner, he's commonly at the Sign of
the _Roe-buck_, he uses that House, ask him if he has any Letters for
me, and what Day he sets out on his Journey; then go to the Woollen
Draper, and tell him from me, not to be uneasy, that I have not sent him
the Money at the Time appointed, for he shall have it in a very little
Time.
_Sy._ When? To morrow come never?
_Ra._ Do you grin you Pimp? Yes, before the first of _March_: And as you
come back, turn on the Left-hand, and go to the Bookseller, and enquire
of him, if there be any new Books come out of _Germany_, learn what they
are, and the Price of them; then desire _Goclenius_, to do me the Honour
to come to Supper with me, tell him I must sup by myself if he don't.
_Sy._ What do you invite Guests too? You han't Victuals enough in the
House to give a Mouse a Meal.
_Ra._ And when you have done all these, go to the Market, and buy a
Shoulder of Mutton, and get it nicely roasted: Do you hear this?
_Sy._ I hear more than I like to hear.
_Ra._ But take you Care you remember 'em all.
_Sy._ I shall scarce be able to remember half of 'em.
_Ra._ What do you stand loytering here, you idle Knave? You might have
been back before now.
_Sy._ What one Person in the World can do all these? Truly I must wait
upon him out, and attend upon him home; I'm his Swabber, his
Chamberlain, his Footman, his Clerk, his Butler, his Book-keeper, his
Brawl, his Errand-boy, and last of all he does not think I have Business
enough upon my Hands, unless I am his Cook too.
* * * * *
_3. Concerning Riding._
_Ra._ Bring me my Boots, I am to ride out.
_Sy._ Here they are, Sir.
_Ra._ You have look'd after them bravely, they are all over mouldy with
lying by; I believe they han't been clean'd nor greased this twelve
Months Day; they are so dry, they chap again; wipe them with a wet
Cloth, and liquor them well before the Fire, and chafe them till they
grow soft.
_Sy._ It shall be done, Sir.
_Ra._ Where are my Spurs?
_Sy._ Here they are.
_Ra._ Ay, here they are indeed, but all eaten up with Rust. Where is my
Bridle and Saddle?
_Sy._ They are just by.
_Ra._ See that nothing is wanting or broken, or ready to break, that
nothing may be a Hinderance to us, when we are upon our Journey. Run to
the Sadlers, and get him to mend that Rein: When you come back, look
upon the Horses Feet, and Shoes, and see if there be any Nails wanting,
or loose. How lean and rough these Horses are! How often do you rub 'em
down, or kemb them in a Year?
_Sy._ I'm sure I do it every Day?
_Ra._ That may be seen, I believe they have not had a bit of Victuals
for three Days together.
_Sy._ Indeed they have, Sir.
_Ra._ You say so, but the Horses would tell me another Tale, if they
could but speak: Though indeed their Leanness speaks loud enough.
_Sy._ Indeed I take all the Care in the World of 'em.
_Ra._ How comes it about then, that they don't look as well as you do?
_Sy._ Because I don't eat Hay.
_Ra._ You have this to do still; make ready my Portmanteau quickly.
_Sy._ It shall be done.
_The SCHOOL-MASTER'S ADMONITIONS._
The ARGUMENT.
_The School-master's Instructions teach a Boy Modesty,
Civility, and Manners becoming his Age, in what Posture
he ought to stand while he talks to his Superiors;
concerning Habit, Discourse, and Behaviour at Table and
in School._
_The School-master and Boy._
_Sch._ You seem not to have been bred at Court, but in a Cow-stall; you
behave yourself so clownishly. A Gentleman ought to behave himself like
a Gentleman. As often or whenever any one that is your Superior speaks
to you, stand strait, pull off your Hat, and look neither doggedly,
surlily, saucily, malapertly, nor unsettledly, but with a staid, modest,
pleasant Air in your Countenance, and a bashful Look fix'd upon the
Person who speaks to you; your Feet set close one by t'other; your Hands
without Action: Don't stand titter, totter, first standing upon one
Foot, and then upon another, nor playing with your Fingers, biting your
Lip, scratching your Head, or picking your Ears: Let your Cloaths be put
on tight and neat, that your whole Dress, Air, Motion and Habit, may
bespeak a modest and bashful Temper.
_Bo._ What if I shall try, Sir?
_Ma._ Do so.
_Bo._ Is this right?
_Ma._ Not quite.
_Bo._ Must I do so?
_Ma._ That's pretty well.
_Bo._ Must I stand so?
_Ma._ Ay, that's very well, remember that Posture; don't be a Prittle
prattle, nor Prate apace, nor be a minding any Thing but what is said to
you. If you are to make an Answer, do it in few Words, and to the
Purpose, every now and then prefacing with some Title of Respect, and
sometimes use a Title of Honour, and now and then make a Bow, especially
when you have done speaking: Nor do you go away without asking Leave, or
being bid to go: Now come let me see how you can practise this. How long
have you been from Home?
_Bo._ Almost six Months.
_Ma._ You should have said, Sir.
_Bo._ Almost six Months, Sir.
_Ma._ Don't you long to see your Mother?
_Bo._ Yes, sometimes.
_Ma._ Have you a Mind to go to see her?
_Bo._ Yes, with your Leave, Sir.
_Ma._ Now you should have made a Bow; that's very well, remember to do
so; when you speak, don't speak fast, stammer, or speak in your Throat,
but use yourself to pronounce your Words distinctly and clearly. If you
pass by any ancient Person, a Magistrate, a Minister, or Doctor, or any
Person of Figure, be sure to pull off your Hat, and make your Reverence:
Do the same when you pass by any sacred Place, or the Image of the
Cross. When you are at a Feast, behave yourself chearfully, but always
so as to remember what becomes your Age: Serve yourself last; and if any
nice Bit be offer'd you, refuse it modestly; but if they press it upon
you, take it, and thank the Person, and cutting off a Bit of it, offer
the rest either to him that gave it you, or to him that sits next to
you. If any Body drinks to you merrily, thank him, and drink moderately.
If you don't care to drink, however, kiss the Cup. Look pleasantly upon
him that speaks to you; and be sure not to speak till you are spoken to.
If any Thing that is obscene be said, don't laugh at it, but keep your
Countenance, as though you did not understand it; don't reflect on any
Body, nor take place of any Body, nor boast of any Thing of your own,
nor undervalue any Thing of another Bodies. Be courteous to your
Companions that are your Inferiors; traduce no Body; don't be a Blab
with your Tongue, and by this Means you'll get a good Character, and
gain Friends without Envy. If the Entertainment shall be long, desire to
be excus'd, bid much good may it do the Guests, and withdraw from Table:
See that you remember these Things.
_Bo._ I'll do my Endeavour, Sir. Is there any Thing else you'd have me
do?
_Ma._ Now go to your Books.
_Bo._ Yes, Sir.
_Of VARIOUS PLAYS._
The ARGUMENT.
_The Boys sending_ Cocles _their Messenger to their
Master, get Leave to go to Play; who shews that moderate
Recreations are very necessary both for Mind and Body.
The Master admonishes them that they keep together at
Play, &c. 1. Of playing at Stool-ball: Of chusing
Partners. 2. Of playing at Bowls, the Orders of the
Bowling-Green. 3. Of playing at striking a Ball through
an Iron Ring. 4. Of Dancing, that they should not dance
presently after Dinner: Of playing at Leap-frog: Of
Running: Of Swimming._
NICHOLAS, JEROME, COCLES, _the_ MASTER.
_Nic._ I have had a great Mind a good While, and this fine Weather is a
great Invitation to go to Play.
_Jer._ These indeed invite you, but the Master don't.
_Nic._ We must get some Spokesman that may extort a Holiday from him.
_Jer._ You did very well to say extort, for you may sooner wrest
_Hercules's_ Club out of his Hands than get a Play-day from him; but
Time was when Nobody lov'd Play better than he did.
_Nic._ That is true, but he has forgot a great While ago since he was a
Boy himself; he is as ready and free at whipping as any Body, but as
sparing and backward at this as any Body in the World.
_Jer._ We must pick out a Messenger that is not very bashful that won't
be presently dashed out of Countenance by his surly Words.
_Nic._ Let who will go for me, I had rather go without Play than ask
him for it.
_Jer._ There is Nobody fitter for this Business than _Cocles._
_Nic._ Nobody in the World, he has a good bold Face of his own, and
Tongue enough; and besides, he knows his Humour too.
_Jer._ Go, _Cocles_, you will highly oblige us all.
_Coc._ Well, I'll try; but if I do not succeed, do not lay the Fault on
your Spokesman.
_Jer._ You promise well for it, I am out in my Opinion if you don't get
Leave. Go on Intreater, and return an Obtainer.
_Coc._ I'll go, may _Mercury_ send me good Luck of my Errand. God save
you, Sir.
_Ma._ What does this idle Pack want?
_Coc._ Your Servant, Reverend Master.
_Ma._ This is a treacherous Civility! I am well enough already. Tell me
what 'tis you came for.
_Coc._ Your whole School beg a Play-day.
_Ma._ You do nothing else but play, even without Leave.
_Coc._ Your Wisdom knows that moderate Play quickens the Wit, as you
have taught us out of _Quintilian_.
_Ma._ Very well, how well you can remember what's to your purpose? They
that labour hard, had need of some Relaxation: But you that study idly,
and play laboriously, had more need of a Curb, than a Snaffle.
_Coc._ If any Thing has been wanting in Times past, we'll labour to make
it up by future Diligence.
_Ma._ O rare Makers up! who will be Sureties for the performing this
Promise?
_Coc._ I'll venture my Head upon it.
_Ma._ Nay, rather venture your Tail. I know there is but little
Dependance upon your Word; but however, I'll try this Time what Credit
may be given to you; if you deceive me now, you shall never obtain any
Thing from me again. Let 'em play; but let them keep together in the
Field, don't let them go a tippling or worse Exercises, and see they
come Home betimes, before Sun set.
_Coc._ We will, Sir, I have gotten Leave, but with much a do.
_Jer._ O brave Lad! we all love you dearly.
_Coc._ But we must be sure not to transgress our Orders, for if we do,
it will be all laid upon my Back; I have engaged for ye all, and if ye
do, I'll never be your Spokesman again.
_Jer._ We'll take Care: But what Play do you like best?
_Coc._ We'll talk of that when we come into the Fields.
* * * * *