_ROTERDAM_.
* * * * *
The ARGUMENT.
_This Colloquy teaches Courtesy and Civility in Saluting,
who, when, and by what Title we ought to Salute_.
_At the First Meeting_.
A Certain Person teaches, and not without Reason, that we should Salute
freely. For a courteous and kind Salutation oftentimes engages
Friendship, and reconciles Persons at Variance, and does undoubtedly
nourish and increase a mutual Benevolence. There are indeed some Persons
that are such Churls, and of so clownish a Disposition, that if you
salute them, they will scarcely salute you again. But this Vice is in
some Persons rather the Effect of their Education, than their natural
Disposition.
It is a Piece of Civility to salute those that come in your Way; either
such as come to us, or those that we go to speak with. And in like
Manner such as are about any Sort of Work, either at Supper, or that
yawn, or hiccop, or sneeze, or cough. But it is the Part of a Man that
is civil even to an Extreme, to salute one that belches, or breaks Wind
backward. But he is uncivilly civil that salutes one that is making
Water, or easing Nature.
God save you Father, God save you little Mother, God save you Brother,
God save you my worthy Master, God save you heartily Uncle, God save you
sweet Cousin.
It is courteous to make Use of a Title of Relation or Affinity, unless
when it carries something of a Reflection along with it, then indeed it
is better not to use such Titles, tho' proper; but rather some that are
more engaging, as when we call a Mother in Law, Mother; a Son in Law,
Son; a Father in Law, Father; a Sister's Husband, Brother; a Brother's
Wife, Sister: And the same we should do in Titles, either of Age or
Office. For it will be more acceptable to salute an antient Man by the
Name of Father, or venerable Sir, than by the Sirname of Age; altho' in
antient Times they used to make use of [Greek: hô geron], as an
honourable Title. God save you Lieutenant, God save you Captain; but not
God save you Hosier or Shoe-maker. God save you Youth, or young Man. Old
Men salute young Men that are Strangers to them by the Name of Sons, and
young Men again salute them by the Name of Fathers or Sirs.
_A more affectionate Salutation between Lovers_.
God save you my little _Cornelia_, my Life, my Light, my Delight, my
Sweet-heart, my Honey, my only Pleasure, my little Heart, my Hope, my
Comfort, my Glory.
_Either for the Sake of Honour or otherwise_.
_Sal._ O Master, God bless ye.
_Ans._ Oh! Good Sir, I wish you the same.
_Sal._ God bless you most accomplish'd, and most famous Sir. God bless
you again and again thou Glory of Learning. God save you heartily my
very good Friend. God save you my _Mæcenas_.
_Ans._ God save you my Singular Patron, God save you most approv'd Sir.
God save you, the only Ornament of this Age. God bless you, the Delight
of _Germany_.
_Sal._ God bless you all together. God bless you all alike.
_Ans._ God bless you my brave Boys.
_Sal._ God save you merry Companion. God bless you Destroyer of Wine.
_Ans._ God bless you Glutton, and unmerciful Devourer of Cakes.
_Sal._ God bless you heartily President of all Virtue.
_Ans._ God bless you in like Manner, Pattern of universal Honesty.
_Sal._ God save you little old Woman of Fifteen Years of Age.
_Ans._ God save you Girl, eighty Years old.
_Sal._ Much good may it do you with your bald Pate.
_Ans._ And much good may it do you with your slit Nose. As you salute,
so you shall be saluted again. If you say that which is ill, you shall
hear that which is worse.
_Sal._ God save you again and again.
_Ans._ God save you for ever and ever.
_Sal._ God save you more than a thousand Times.
_Ans._ In truth I had rather be well once for all.
_Sal._ God bless you as much as you can desire.
_Ans._ And you as much as you deserve.
_Sal._ I wish you well.
_Ans._ But what if I won't be so? In truth I had rather be sick, than to
enjoy the Health that you want.
God bless your Holiness, Your Greatness, Your Highness, Your Majesty,
Your Beatitude, Your High Mightiness, are Salutations rather us'd by the
Vulgar, than approv'd by the Learned.
_In the Third Person_.
_Sapidus_ wishes Health to his _Erasmus_.
_Sapidus_ salutes his _Beatus_, wishing him much Health.
* * * * *
_Another Form_.
_Sal._ God bless you _Crito_, I wish you well good Sir.
_Ans._ And I wish you better. Peace be to thee Brother, is indeed a
Christian Salutation, borrow'd from the _Jews_: but yet not to be
rejected. And of the like Kind is, A happy Life to you.
_Sal._ Hail Master.
_Ans._ In truth I had rather have than crave.
_Sal._ [Greek: Chaire].
_Ans._ Remember you are at _Basil_, and not _Athens_.
_Sal._ How do you then dare to speak _Latin_ when you are not at _Rome_?
* * * * *
_Forms of well Wishing_.
And to wish well is a Sort of Salutation.
_To a Woman with Child_.
God send you a good Delivery, and that you may make your Husband Father
of a fine Child. May the Virgin Mother make you a happy Mother. I wish
that this swell'd Belly may asswage happily. Heaven grant that this
Burthen you carry, whatsoever it is, may have as easy an out-coming as
it had an in-going. God give you a good Time.
_To Guests_.
Happy be this Feast. Much good may it do all the Company. I wish all
Happiness to you all. God give you a happy Banquet.
_To one that sneezes._
May it be lucky and happy to you. God keep you. May it be for your
Health. God bless it to you.
_To one that is about to begin any Business._
May it prove happy and prosperous for the Publick Good. May that you are
going about be an universal Good. God prosper what you are about. God
bless your Labours. God bless your Endeavours. I pray that by God's
Assistance you may happily finish what you have begun. May Christ in
Heaven prosper what is under your Hand. May what you have begun end
happily. May what you are set about end happily. You are about a good
Work, I wish you a good End of it, and that propitious Heaven may favour
your pious Undertakings. Christ give Prosperity to your Enterprise. May
what you have undertaken prosper. I heartily beg of Almighty God that
this Design may be as successful as it is honourable. May the Affair so
happily begun, more happily end. I wish you a good Journey to _Italy_,
and a better Return. I wish you a happy Voyage, and a more happy Return.
I pray God that, this Journey being happily perform'd, we may in a short
Time have the Opportunity of congratulating you upon your happy Return.
May it be your good Fortune to make a good Voyage thither and back
again. May your Journey be pleasant, but your Return more pleasant. I
wish this Journey may succeed according to your Heart's Desire. I wish
this Journey may be as pleasant to you, as the want of your good Company
in the mean Time will be troublesome to us. May you set Sail with
promising Presages. I wish this Journey may succeed according to both
our Wishes. I wish this Bargain may be for the Good and Advantage of us
both. I wish this may be a happy Match to us all. The blessed Jesus God
keep thee. Kind Heaven return you safe. God keep thee who art one Half
of my Life. I wish you a safe Return. I wish that this New-Year may
begin happily, go on more happily, and end most happily to you, and
that you may have many of them, and every Year happier than other.
_Ans._ And I again wish you many happy Ages, that you mayn't wish well
to me _gratis_.
_Sal._ I wish you a glorious Day to Day. May this Sun-rising be a happy
one to you.
_Ans._ I wish you the same. May this be a happy and a prosperous Morning
to both of us.
_Sal._ Father, I wish you a good Night. I wish you good Repose to Night.
May you sleep sweetly. God give you good Rest. May you sleep without
dreaming. God send you may either sleep sweetly or dream pleasantly. A
good Night to you.
_Ans._ Since you always love to be on the getting Hand, I wish you a
thousand Happinesses to one you wish to me.
* * * * *
_Farewell at parting._
Fare ye all well. Farewell. Take care of your Health. Take a great Care
of your Health. I bid you good by, Time calls me away, fare ye well. I
wish you as well as may be. Farewell mightily, or if you had rather have
it so, lustily. Fare you well as you are worthy. Fare you as well as you
deserve. Farewell for these two Days. If you send me away, farewell till
to-morrow. Would you have any Thing with me? Have you any Thing else to
say to me?
_Ans._ Nothing but to wish you well.
_Sal._ Take Care to preserve your Health. Take Care of your Health. Look
well to your Health. See that at the next Meeting we see you merry and
hearty. I charge you make much of your self. See that you have a sound
Mind in a healthful Body. Take Care you be universally well both in Body
and Mind.
_Ans._ I'll promise you I will do my Endeavour. Fare you well also; and
I again wish you prosperous Health.
_Of saluting by another._
Remember my hearty Love to _Frobenius_. Be sure to remember my Love to
little _Erasmus_. Remember me to _Gertrude's_ Mother with all imaginable
Respect; tell them I wish 'em all well. Remember me to my old
Companions. Remember me to my Friends. Give my Love to my Wife. Remember
me to your Brother in your Letter. Remember my Love to my Kinsman. Have
you any Service to command by me to your Friends?
_Ans._ Tell them I wish them all heartily well.
_Sal._ Have you any Recommendations to send by me to your Friends?
_Ans._ Much Health to them all, but especially to my Father.
_Sal._ Are there any Persons to whom you would command me any Service?
_Ans._ To all that ask how I do. The Health you have brought from my
Friends to me, carry back again with much Interest. Carry my hearty
Service to all them that have sent their Service to me. Pray do so much
as be my Representative in saluting my Friends. I would have written to
my Son in Law, but you will serve me instead of a Letter to him.
_Sal._ Soho, soho, whither are you going so fast?
_Ans._ Strait to _Louvain_.
_Sal._ Stay a little, I have something to send by you.
_Ans._ But it is inconvenient for a Footman to carry a Fardel? What is
it?
_Sal._ That you recommend me to _Goclenius, Rutgerus, John Campensis_,
and all the Society of Trilinguists.
_Ans._ If you put nothing into my Snapsack but Healths, I shall carry
them with Ease.
_Sal._ And that you may not do that for nothing, I pray that Health may
be your Companion both going and coming back.
_How we ought to congratulate one that is return'd from a Journey._
We are glad you are come well Home. It is a Pleasure that you are come
Home safe. It is a Pleasure to us that you are come well Home. We
congratulate your happy Return. We give God Thanks that you are come
safe Home to us. The more uneasy we were at the Want of you, the more
glad we are to see you again. We congratulate you and ourselves too that
you are come Home to us alive and well. Your Return is the more pleasant
by how much it was less expected.
_Ans._ I am glad too that as I am well myself I find you so. I am very
glad to find you in good Health. I should not have thought myself well
come Home if I had not found you well; but now I think myself safe, in
that I see you safe and in good Health.
* * * * *
_A Form of asking Questions at the first meeting._
The ARGUMENT.
_This Colloquy teaches Forms of enquiring at the first
meeting. Whence come you? What News bring you? How do you
do? &c._
_GEORGE, LIVINUS._
_George._ Out of what Hen-Coop or Cave came you?
_Liv._ Why do you ask me such a Question?
_Ge._ Because you have been so poorly fed; you are so thin a Body may
see thro' you, and as dry as a Kecks. Whence came you from?
_Liv._ From Montacute College.
_Ge._ Then sure you are come loaden with Letters for us.
_Liv._ Not so, but with Lice I am.
_Ge._ Well then you had Company enough.
_Liv._ In truth it is not safe for a Traveller now a Days to go without
Company.
_Ge._ I know well enough a Louse is a Scholar's Companion. Well but do
you bring any News from _Paris_?
_Liv._ Ay, I do, and that in the first Place that I know you won't
believe. At _Paris_ a _Bete_ is wise, and an _Oak_ preaches.
_Ge._ What's that you tell me?
_Liv._ That which you hear.
_Ge._ What is it I hear?
_Liv._ That which I tell you.
_Ge._ O monstrous! Sure Mushrooms and Stones must be the Hearers where
there are such Preachers.
_Liv._ Well, but it is even so as I tell you, nor do I speak only by
hear say, but what I know to be true.
_Ge._ Sure Men must needs be very wise there where _Betes_ and _Oaks_
are so.
_Liv._ You are in the right on't.
* * * * *
_Of enquiring concerning Health._
_Ge._ Are you well?
_Liv._ Look in my Face.
_Ge._ Why do you not rather bid me cast your Water? Do you take me for a
Doctor? I don't ask you if you are in Health, for your Face bespeaks you
so to be; but I ask you how you like your own Condition?
_Liv._ I am very well in my Body, but sick in my Mind.
_Ge._ He's not well indeed that is sick in that Part.
_Liv._ This is my Case, I'm well in my Body, but sick in my Pocket.
_Ge._ Your Mother will easily cure that Distemper. How have you done for
this long Time?
_Liv._ Sometimes better, and sometimes worse, as human Affairs commonly
go.
_Ge._ Are you very well in health? Are your Affairs in a good
Condition? Are your Circumstances as you would have them? Have you
always had your Health well?
_Liv._ Very well, I thank God. By God's Goodness I have always had my
Health very well. I have always been very well hitherto. I have been in
very good, favourable, secure, happy, prosperous, successful, perfect
Health, like a Prince, like a Champion, fit for any Thing.
_Ge._ God send you may always enjoy the same. I am glad to hear it. You
give me a Pleasure in saying so. It is very pleasant to me to hear that.
I am glad at my Heart to hear this from you. This is no bad News to me.
I am exceeding glad to hear you say so. I wish you may be so always. I
wish you may enjoy the same Health as long as you live. In
congratulating you, I joy myself, Thanks to Heaven for it.
_Li._ Indeed I am very well if you are so.
_Ge._ Well, but have you met with no Trouble all this while?
_Li._ None but the Want of your good Company.
_Ge._ Well, but how do you do though?
_Li._ Well enough, finely, bravely, very well as may be, very well
indeed, happily, commodiously, no Way amiss. I enjoy rather what Health
I wish, than what I deserved, Princely, Herculean, Champion-like.
_Ge._ I was expecting when you would say Bull-like too.
* * * * *
_Of being Ill._
_Ge._ Are you in good Health?
_Li._ I wish I were. Not altogether so well as I would be. Indeed I am
so, so. Pretty well. I am as well as I can be, since I can't be so well
as I would be. As I use to be. So as it pleases God. Truly not very
well. Never worse in all my Life. As I am wont to be. I am as they use
to be who have to do with the Doctor.
_Ge._ How do you do?
_Li._ Not as I would do.
_Ge._ Why truly not well, ill, very ill, in an unhappy, unprosperous,
unfavourable, bad, adverse, unlucky, feeble, dubious, indifferent, State
of Health, not at all as I would, a tolerable, such as I would not wish
even to my Enemies.
_Ge._ You tell me a melancholy Story. Heavens forbid it. God forbid. No
more of that I pray. I wish what you say were not true. But you must be
of good Chear, you must pluck up a good Heart. A good Heart is a good
Help in bad Circumstances. You must bear up your Mind with the Hope of
better Fortune. What Distemper is it? What Sort of Disease is it? What
Distemper is it that afflicts you? What Distemper are you troubled with?
_Li._ I can't tell, and in that my Condition is the more dangerous.
_Ge._ That's true, for when the Disease is known, it is half cured. Have
you had the Advice of any Doctor?
_Li._ Ay, of a great many.
_Ge._ What do they say to your Case?
_Li._ What the Lawyers of _Demiphon_ (in the Play) said to him. One says
one Thing, another he says another, and the third he'll consider of it.
But they all agree in this, that I am in a sad Condition.
_Ge._ How long have you been taken with this Illness? How long have you
been ill of this Distemper? How long has this Illness seiz'd you?
_Li._ About twenty Days more or less, almost a Month. It's now near
three Months. It seems an Age to me since I was first taken ill.
_Ge._ But I think you ought to take care that the Distemper don't grow
upon you.
_Li._ It has grown too much upon me already.
_Ge._ Is it a Dropsy?
_Li._ They say it is not.
_Ge._ Is it a Dissentery?
_Li._ I think not.
_Ge._ Is it a Fever?
_Li._ I believe it is a Kind of Fever; but a new one, as ever and anon
new ones spring up that were unknown before.
_Ge._ There were more old ones than enough before.
_Li._ Thus it pleases Nature to deal with us, which is a little too
severe.
_Ge._ How often does the Fit come?
_Li._ How often do you say? Every Day, nay every Hour indeed.
_Ge._ O wonderful! It is a sad Affliction. How did you get this
Distemper? How do you think you came by it?
_Li._ By Reason of Want.
_Ge._ Why you don't use to be so superstitious as to starve yourself
with Fasting.
_Li._ It is not Bigotry but Penury.
_Ge._ What do you mean by Penury?
_Li._ I mean I could get no Victuals, I believe it came by a Cold. I
fancy I got the Distemper by eating rotten Eggs. By drinking too much
Water in my Wine. This Crudity in my Stomach came by eating green
Apples.
_Ge._ But consider whether you han't contracted this Distemper by long
and late Studying, by hard Drinking, or immoderate use of Venery? Why
don't you send for a Doctor?
_Li._ I am afraid he should do me more Harm than good. I am afraid he
should poison me instead of curing me.
_Ge._ You ought to chuse one that you can confide in.
_Li._ If I must dye, I had rather dye once for all, than to be tormented
with so many Slops.
_Ge._ Well then, be your own Doctor. If you can't trust to a Doctor,
pray God be your Physician. There have been some that have recover'd
their Health, by putting on a Dominican or a Franciscan Fryars Cowl.
_Li._ And perhaps it had been the same Thing, if they had put on a
Whore-master's Cloak. These things have no Effect upon those that have
no Faith in 'em.
_Ge._ Why then, believe that you may recover. Some have been cur'd by
making Vows to a Saint.
_Li._ But I have no Dealings with Saints.
_Ge._ Then pray to Christ that you may have Faith, and that he would be
pleased to bestow the Blessing of Health upon you.
_Li._ I can't tell whether it would be a Blessing or no.
_Ge._ Why, is it not a Blessing to be freed from a Distemper?
_Li._ Sometimes it is better to dye. I ask nothing of him, but only that
he'd give me what would be best for me.
_Ge._ Take something to purge you.
_Li._ I am laxative enough already.
_Ge._ Take something to make you go to Stool. You must take a Purge.
_Li._ I ought to take something that is binding rather, for I am too
laxative.
* * * * *
_Of enquiring of a Person upon his Return_.
The ARGUMENT.
_Of interrogating a Person returning from a Journey,
concerning War, private Affairs, a Disappointment, great
Promises, a Wife Lying-in, Dangers, Losses_, &c.
_George._ Have you had a good and prosperous Journey?
_Li._ Pretty good; but that there is such Robbing every where.
_Ge._ This is the Effect of War.
_Li._ It is so, but it is a wicked one.
_Ge._ Did you come on Foot or on Horse-back?
_Li._ Part of the Way a Foot, Part in a Coach, Part on Horse-back, and
Part by Sea.
_Ge._ How go Matters in _France?_
_Li._ All's in Confusion, there's nothing but War talk'd of. What
Mischiefs they may bring upon their Enemies I know not; but this I'm
sure of, the _French_ themselves are afflicted with unexpressible
Calamities.
_Ge._ Whence come all these tumultuary Wars?
_Li._ Whence should they come but from the Ambition of Monarchs?
_Ge._ But it would be more their Prudence to appease these Storms of
human Affairs.
_Li._ Appease 'em! Ay, so they do, as the South Wind does the Sea. They
fancy themselves to be Gods, and that the World was made for their
Sakes.
_Ge._ Nay, rather a Prince was made for the Good of the Commonwealth,
and not the Commonwealth for the Sake of the Prince.
_Li._ Nay, there are Clergymen too, who blow up the Coals, and sound an
Alarm to these Tumults.
_Ge._ I'd have them set in the Front of the Battel.
_Li._ Ay, ay, but they take Care to keep out of Harm's Way.
_Ge._ But let us leave these publick Affairs to Providence. How go your
own Matters?
_Li._ Very well, happily, indifferently well, tolerably.
_Ge._ How goes it with your own Business? As you would have it?
_Li._ Nay, better than I could have wish'd for, better than I deserve,
beyond what I could have hop'd for.
_Ge._ Are all Things according to your Mind? Is all well? Has every
Thing succeeded?
_Li._ It can't be worse. It is impossible it should be worse than it is.
_Ge._ What then, han't you got what you sought for? Han't you caught the
Game you hunted?
_Li._ Hunt! Ay, I did hunt indeed, but with very ill Success.
_Ge._ But is there no Hope then?
_Li._ Hope enough, but nothing else.
_Ge._ Did the Bishop give you no Hopes?
_Li._ Yes, whole Cart Loads, and whole Ship Loads of Hope; but nothing
else.
_Ge._ Has he sent you nothing yet?
_Li._ He promis'd me largely, but he has never sent me a Farthing.
_Ge._ Then you must live in Hopes.
_Li._ Ay, but that won't fill the Belly; they that feed upon Hope may be
said to hang, but not to live.
_Ge._ But however then, you were the lighter for travelling, not having
your Pockets loaded.
_Li._ I confess that, nay, and safer too; for an empty Pocket is the
best Defence in the World against Thieves; but for all that, I had
rather have the Burthen and the Danger too.
_Ge._ You was not robb'd of any Thing by the Way, I hope?
_Li._ Robb'd! What can you rob a Man of that has nothing? There was more
Reason for other Folks to be afraid of me, than I of them, having never
a Penny in my Pocket. I might sing and be starved all the Way I went.
Have you anything more to say?
_Ge._ Where are you going now?
_Li._ Strait Home, to see how all do there, whom I han't seen this long
Time.
_Ge._ I wish you may find all well at Home.
_Li._ I pray God I may. Has any Thing new happen'd at our House since I
went away?
_Ge._ Nothing but only you'll find your Family bigger than it was; for
your _Catulla_ has brought you a little _Catulus_ since you have been
gone. Your Hen has laid you an Egg.
_Li._ That's good News, I like your News, and I'll promise to give you a
Gospel for it.
_Ge._ What Gospel? The Gospel according to St. _Matthew_?
_Li._ No, but according to _Homer_. Here take it.
_Ge._ Keep your Gospel to yourself, I have Stones enough at Home.
_Li._ Don't slight my Present, it is the Eagle's Stone; It is good for
Women with Child; it is good to bring on their Labour.
_Ge._ Say you so? Then it is a very acceptable Present to me, and I'll
endeavour to make you Amends.
_Li._ The Amends is made already by your kind Acceptance.
_Ge._ Nay, nothing in the World could come more seasonably, for my
Wife's Belly is up to her Mouth almost.
_Li._ Then I'll make this Bargain with you; that if she has a Boy, you
will let me be the Godfather.
_Ge._ Well I'll promise you that, and that you shall name it too.
_Li._ I wish it may be for both our Good.
_Ge._ Nay, for all our Good.
* * * * *
_MAURICE, CYPRIAN._
_Ma._ You are come back fatter than you used to be: You are returned
taller.
_Cy._ But in Truth I had rather it had been wiser, or more learned.
_Ma._ You had no Beard when you went away; but you have brought a little
one back with you. You are grown somewhat oldish since you went away.
What makes you look so pale, so lean, so wrinkled?
_Cy._ As is my Fortune, so is the Habit of my Body.
_Ma._ Has it been but bad then?
_Cy._ She never is otherwise to me, but never worse in my Life than now.
_Ma._ I am sorry for that. I am sorry for your Misfortune. But pray,
what is this Mischance?
_Cy._ I have lost all my Money.
_Ma._ What in the Sea?
_Cy._ No, on Shore, before I went abroad.
_Ma._ Where?
_Cy._ Upon the _English_ Coast.
_Ma._ It is well you scap'd with your Life; it is better to lose your
Money, than that; the loss of ones good Name, is worse than the Loss of
Money.
_Cy._ My Life and Reputation are safe; but my Money is lost.
_Ma._ The Loss of Life never can be repair'd; the Loss of Reputation
very hardly; but the Loss of Money may easily be made up one Way or
another. But how came it about?
_Cy._ I can't tell, unless it was my Destiny. So it pleas'd God. As the
Devil would have it.
_Ma._ Now you see that Learning and Virtue are the safest Riches; for as
they can't be taken from a Man, so neither are they burthensome to him
that carries them.
_Cy._ Indeed you Philosophize very well; but in the mean Time I'm in
Perplexity.
* * * * *
_CLAUDIUS, BALBUS._
_Cl._ I am glad to see you well come Home _Balbus_.
_Ba._ And I to see you alive _Claudius_.
_Cl._ You are welcome Home into your own Country again.
_Ba._ You should rather congratulate me as a Fugitive from _France_.
_Cl._ Why so?
_Ba._ Because they are all up in Arms there.
_Cl._ But what have Scholars to do with Arms?
_Ba._ But there they don't spare even Scholars.
_Cl._ It is well you're got off safe.
_Ba._ But I did not get off without Danger neither.
_Cl._ You are come back quite another Man than you went away.
_Ba._ How so?
_Cl._ Why, of a _Dutch_ Man, you are become a _French_ Man.
_Ba._ Why, was I a Capon when I went away?
_Cl._ Your Dress shows that you're turn'd from a _Dutch_ Man into a
_French_ Man.
_Ba._ I had rather suffer this Metamorphosis, than be turn'd into a Hen.
But as a Cowl does not make a Monk, so neither does a Garment a _French_
Man.
_Cl._ Have you learn'd to speak _French?_
_Ba._ Indifferently well.
_Cl._ How did you learn it?
_Ba._ Of Teachers that were no dumb ones I assure you.
_Cl._ From whom.
_Ba._ Of little Women, more full of Tongue, than Turtle Doves.
_Cl._ It is easy to learn to speak in such a School. Do you pronounce
the _French_ well?
_Ba._ Yes, that I do, and I pronounce _Latin_ after the _French_ Mode.
_Cl._ Then you will never write good Verses.
_Ba._ Why so?
_Cl._ Because you'll make false Quantities.
_Ba._ The Quality is enough for me.
_Cl._ Is _Paris_ clear of the Plague?
_Ba._ Not quite, but it is not continual, sometimes it abates, and anon
it returns again; sometimes it slackens, and then rages again.
_Cl._ Is not War itself Plague enough?
_Ba._ It is so, unless God thought otherwise.
_Cl._ Sure Bread must be very dear there.
_Ba._ There is a great Scarcity of it. There is a great Want of every
Thing but wicked Soldiers. Good Men are wonderful cheap there.
_Cl._ What is in the Mind of the _French_ to go to War with the
_Germans_?
_Ba._ They have a Mind to imitate the Beetle, that won't give Place to
the Eagle. Every one thinks himself an _Hercules_ in War.
_Cl._ I won't detain you any longer, at some other Time we'll divert
ourselves more largely, when we can both spare Time. At present I have a
little Business that calls me to another Place.
_FAMILY DISCOURSE._
The ARGUMENT.
_This Colloquy presents us with the Sayings and Jokes of
intimate Acquaintance, and the Repartees and Behaviour of
familiar Friends one with another. 1. Of walking abroad,
and calling Companions. 2. Of seldom visiting, of asking
concerning a Wife, Daughter, Sons. 3. Concerning Leisure,
the tingling of the Ear, the Description of a homely
Maid. Invitation to a Wedding. 4. Of Studying too hard,
&c._
PETER, MIDAS, _a Boy_, JODOCUS.
_Peter_, Soho, soho, Boy! does no Body come to the Door?
_Mi._ I think this Fellow will beat the Door down. Sure he must needs be
some intimate Acquaintance or other. O old Friend _Peter_, what hast
brought?
_Pe._ Myself.
_Mi._ In Truth then you have brought that which is not much worth.
_Pe._ But I'm sure I cost my Father a great deal.
_Mi._ I believe so, more than you can be sold for again.
_Pe._ But is _Jodocus_ at Home?
_Mi._ I can't tell, but I'll go see.
_Pe._ Go in first, and ask him if he pleases to be at Home now.
_Mi._ Go yourself, and be your own Errand Boy.
_Pe._ Soho! _Jodocus_, are you at Home?
_Jo._ No, I am not.
_Pe._ Oh! You impudent Fellow I don't I hear you speak?
_Jo._ Nay, you are more impudent, for I took your Maid's Word for it
lately, that you were not at Home, and you won't believe me myself.
_Pe._ You're in the Right on't, you've serv'd me in my own Kind.
_Jo._ As I sleep not for every Body, so I am not at Home to every Body,
but for Time to come shall always be at Home to you.
_Pe._ Methinks you live the Life of a Snail.
_Jo._ Why so?
_Pe._ Because you keep always at Home and never stir abroad, just like a
lame Cobler always in his Stall. You sit at Home till your Breech grows
to your Seat.
_Jo._ At Home I have something to do, but I have no Business abroad, and
if I had, the Weather we have had for several Days past, would have kept
me from going abroad.
_Pe._ But now it is fair, and would tempt a Body to walk out; see how
charming pleasant it is.
_Jo._ If you have a Mind to walk I won't be against it.
_Pe._ In Truth, I think we ought to take the Opportunity of this fine
Weather.
_Jo._ But we ought to get a merry Companion or two, to go along with us.
_Pe._ So we will; but tell me who you'd have then.
_Jo._ What if we should get Hugh?
_Pe._ There is no great Difference between _Hugo_ and _Nugo._
_Jo._ Come on then, I like it mighty well.
_Pe._ What if we should call _Alardus?_
_Jo._ He's no dumb Man I'll assure you, what he wants in Hearing he'll
make up in Talking.
_Pe._ If you will, we'll get _Nævius_ along with us too.
_Jo._ If we have but him, we shall never want merry Stories. I like the
Company mainly, the next Thing is to pitch upon a pleasant Place.
_Pe._ I'll show you a Place where you shall neither want the Shade of a
Grove, nor the pleasant Verdure of Meadows, nor the purling Streams of
Fountains, you'll say it is a Place worthy of the Muses themselves.
_Jo._ You promise nobly.
_Pe._ You are too intent upon your Books; you sit too close to your
Books; you make yourself lean with immoderate Study.
_Jo._ I had rather grow lean with Study than with Love.
_Pe._ We don't live to study, but we therefore study that we may live
pleasantly.
_Jo._ Indeed I could live and dye in my Study.
_Pe._ I approve well enough of studying hard, but not to study myself to
Death.
_Pe._ Has this Walk pleas'd you?
_Jo._ It has been a charming pleasant one.
* * * * *
_2. GILES, LEONARD._
_Gi._ Where is our Leonard a going?
_Le._ I was coming to you.
_Gi._ That you do but seldom.
_Le._ Why so?
_Gi._ Because you han't been to see me this twelve Months.
_Le._ I had rather err on that Hand to be wanted, than to be tiresome.
_Gi._ I am never tired with the Company of a good Friend: Nay, the
oftner you come the more welcome you are.
_Le._ But by the Way, how goes Matters at your House.
_Gi._ Why truly not many Things as I would have them.
_Le._ I don't wonder at that, but is your Wife brought to Bed yet?
_Gi._ Ay, a great While ago, and had two at a Birth too.
_Le._ How, two at once!
_Gi._ 'Tis as I tell you, and more than that she's with Child again.
_Le._ That's the Way to increase your Family.
_Gi._ Ay, but I wish Fortune would increase my Money as much as my Wife
does my Family.
_Le._ Have you disposed of your Daughter yet?
_Gi._ No, not yet.
_Le._ I would have you consider if it be not hazardous to keep such a
great Maid as she at Home, you should look out for a Husband for her.
_Gi._ There's no Need of that, for she has Sweet-hearts enough already.
_Le._ But why then don't you single out one for her, him that you like
the best of them?
_Gi._ They are all so good that I can't tell which to chuse: But my
Daughter won't hear of marrying.
_Le._ How say you! If I am not mistaken, she has been marriageable for
some Time. She has been fit for a Husband a great While, ripe for
Wedlock, ready for a Husband this great While.
_Gi._ Why not, she is above seventeen, she's above two and twenty, she's
in her nineteenth Year, she's above eighteen Years old.
_Le._ But why is she averse to Marriage?
_Gi._ She says she has a Mind to be married to Christ.
_Le._ In Truth he has a great many Brides. But is she married to an evil
Genius that lives chastly with a Husband?
_Gi._ I don't think so.
_Le._ How came that Whimsey into her Head?
_Gi._ I can't tell, but there's no persuading her out of it by all that
can be said to her.
_Le._ You should take Care that there be no Tricksters that inveagle or
draw her away.
_Gi._ I know these Kidnappers well enough, and I drive this Kind of
Cattel as far from my House as I can.
_Le._ But what do you intend to do then? Do you intend to let her have
her Humour?
_Gi._ No, I'll prevent it if possible; I'll try every Method to alter
her Mind; but if she persists in it, I'll not force her against her
Will, lest I should be found to fight against God, or rather to fight
against the Monks.
_Le._ Indeed you speak very religiously; but take Care to try her
Constancy throughly, lest she should afterwards repent it, when it is
too late.
_Gi._ I'll do my utmost Endeavours.
_Le._ What Employment do your Sons follow?
_Gi._ The eldest has been married this good While, and will be a Father
in a little Time; I have sent the youngest away to _Paris_, for he did
nothing but play while he was here.
_Le._ Why did you send him thither?
_Gi._ That he might come back a greater Fool than he went.
_Le._ Don't talk so.
_Gi._ The middlemost has lately enter'd into holy Orders.
_Le._ I wish 'em all well.
* * * * *