_MR. BARLOW, with MASTERS HARRY SANDFORD and TOMMY MERTON, visits
ASTLEY'S THEATRE, to see the Pantomime of "LADY GODIVA."_
"THIS," exclaimed HARRY, "is an exhibition which affords me, and indeed
appears to give to a vast number besides myself, the greatest
gratification.
_Tommy._ I see, Sir, that _St. George_ appears in this story with _Lady
Godiva_; pray, Sir, who was _St. George_?
_Mr. Barlow._ There have been, my dear TOMMY, various opinions on this
interesting subject, and some honest folks have sought to identify the
celebrated personage in question with a Butcher, who served bad meat to
the Christians in Palestine, while others have gone equally far towards
proving that he was no Butcher, but an Arian Bishop of Alexandria.
Whether Butcher, or Bishop, it was for a long time most difficult to
determine.
_Harry._ But pray, Sir, why did not the antagonistic parties bring the
case into a Court of Law so as to obtain a decision.
_Mr. Barlow._ Your own experience, HARRY, will, doubtless, one of these
days furnish you with sufficient reason for the persons interested not
having given employment to the gentlemen of the long robe. There was no
claimant to the title living, and there was nothing beyond a title to be
claimed; for, whether on the one hand (with EUSEBIUS) revering him as a
Saint, or, on the other (with GIBBON) abusing him as "the infamous
GEORGE," both sides admitted the object of their contention to have been
long since deceased. He is, however, the patron Saint of England, and
owes his great reputation in modern times to managers of Theatres at
Christmas, and writers of extravaganzas and of Pantomimes, to whom his
history is invaluable, as affording marvellous opportunities for great
scenic display, and spectacular effect, while the Saintly Knight himself
seldom fails to find an admirable representative in either a young lady
of considerable personal attractions (as here at ASTLEY'S) or in some
eccentric and grotesque gentleman like one of the lithsome PAYNES, or
the agile MR. VOKES, whose extraordinary feats, with his legs, we have
already witnessed at Drury Lane Theatre. I confess, however, that I do
not perceive by what process _St. George_ has been brought into the
comparatively modern legend of _Lady Godiva_.
_Harry._ It seems to me, Sir, that you intended us just now to remark
some diverting jest in your use of the words "feats" and "legs," which
TOMMY, I fear, has failed to comprehend.
_Mr. Barlow._ Indeed, HARRY, you are quite right, and I trust that both
you, and TOMMY, will be able to utter such pleasantries yourselves with
a full appreciation of their value. I regret to notice that MISS
SHERIDAN, who, with much discretion, performs the part of the _Lady
Godiva_, is suffering from cold, and is, consequently, a little hoarse.
This is natural at ASTLEY'S.
Then, turning to TOMMY, and smiling in his usual kind manner, MR. BARLOW
said, "My dear TOMMY, although you have not yet mastered the amusing
puns which I made in my recent discourse, you can, it may be, tell me
why MISS SHERIDAN resembles a pony?"
TOMMY, whose whole attention was now given to the scene, expressed his
intention of at once renouncing all attempts at solving this problem.
Whereupon MR. BARLOW cheerfully replied that MISS SHERIDAN so far
resembled a pony, inasmuch as she was, unfortunately, on that evening,
"a little hoarse." HARRY laughed at this sally, and, indeed, considered
his beloved tutor a prodigy of wit and ingenuity; but it was otherwise
with TOMMY, who remained silent and depressed during the greater part of
the entertainment; and, indeed, it was not until the very effective
Transformation Scene that TOMMY'S unbounded pleasure and admiration once
more found vent in the most unqualified applause, in which the entire
audience joined.
_Harry._ These expressions of delight remind me of the story you read to
me the other day, Sir, called _Agesilaeus and the Elastic Nobleman_. As
TOMMY has not heard it I will----
But at this moment a vast assemblage of children on the stage, habited
as soldiers, commenced the National Anthem at the top of their voices,
which for the time put an end to further conversation.
On quitting the theatre, TOMMY, who from having been in a state of the
greatest elation had once more resumed the sober and saddened aspect
with which he had listened to his tutor's discourse during the play,
took HARRY aside, and declared to him, with tears in his eyes, that from
that day forward he would never rest till he had made himself thoroughly
acquainted with all the jokes in the English language, and had perfected
himself in the art of constructing new ones.
"Your determination, MASTER TOMMY," replied his young friend, "reminds
me of the story of _Darius and the Corrugated Butcher_; but, as I am too
fatigued to-night to remember its main features, I will defer the
recital of it till to-morrow morning."
TOMMY evinced a great curiosity to know whether there were in this tale
any puns, upon which he might at once exercise his intelligence, but on
HARRY'S repeating his promise, he allowed him to go to bed without
further question.
Being thus left to his own resources, TOMMY MERTON, in pursuance of his
new resolution, went to the book-shelves and commenced a search which
was not destined to be altogether fruitless.
MR. BARLOW had scarcely been in bed two hours, when he was aroused from
a most peaceful and refreshing slumber by a loud hammering and knocking
at the door of his chamber. Unable to imagine what had happened, and,
indeed, fearing lest the premises should have unfortunately caught fire,
he was on the point of gathering together such articles of clothing as
he considered strictly necessary, when TOMMY burst into the room
half-undressed, and bawling out, "I've seen it! I've seen it!"
"What have you seen?" asked MR. BARLOW.
"Why, Sir," answered TOMMY, "I had a mind to discover, before I went to
bed, what you meant by your two jokes at Astley's. So, Sir, I got down
your book of _Joseph Miller's Jests_, a dictionary, and a grammar; and I
find that the fun you had intended lies in the similarity of
pronunciation in the case of the substantive _horse_ and of the
adjective _hoarse_, and also in _feat_ and _feet_ possessing a like
sound."
"Well," said MR. BARLOW, pausing, with a boot-jack in hand, "you are
indeed right. And if you will approach a little nearer----"
But TOMMY, anticipating the purport of his revered tutor's invitation,
had speedily withdrawn himself from the apartment, being careful at the
same time to lock MR. BARLOW'S door on the outside.
"To-morrow," said MR. BARLOW quietly to himself as he returned to his
bed--"To-morrow we will talk over these things."
He now perceived that he was in a condition of unwonted restlessness;
and it was not until he had twice repeated to himself the story of _The
Laplander and the Agreeable Peacock_, that he fell asleep.
* * * * *
=Doctors in Court.=
MEDICAL men, experts and others, in the witness-box, are unfortunately
apt to use technical terms for which there are no equivalents in plain
English. For this pedantry the Judge usually snubs them. Quite right.
There are no hard words or phrases, of which the use, by Judges or
Counsel, is sometimes unavoidable, in Law.
* * * * *
[Illustration: AFTER THE PARTY.
_Mater_ (_aroused by the Horse pulling up_). "WHIT'S THE MATTER,
GUIDMAN?--ONYTHING WRANG?"
_Pater_ (_bringing his Faculties to a Focus_). "LET US JUST CONSUDER THE
RECENT CIRCUMSTANCES. WAS OOR JOHN IN THE GIG WHEN WE STARTET FRAE
ARDRISHAIG?"]
[Illustration: "OOR JOHN" _WAS_ IN THE GIG--_WHEN THEY STARTED!_]
* * * * *