TRUE COMFORT.
EVERY allowance should be made for a man who is in deep trouble. Not
because it is his due, for that would count but little; but because he
expects it, which he never does of his other debts, after experience.
But he does hope to receive fine feeling, when he knows how cheap it
is; and his sense of bad luck blackens in him, when he cannot even get
that much.
And yet he ought to feel how trumpery are his trivial joys and sorrows,
in the whirligig of this great world. He does his utmost thus to take
it; to shudder at the wrongs of others, and to glow at their redress,
to suck his fingers more and more with the relish of his neighbour’s
pie; and perhaps with practice he begins to get some moonlight pleasure
thus. But, alas! before he is perfect in it, some little turn of
thought comes home, some soft remembrance thrills his heart, as the
sun quivers in a well-spring, and all his nature lets him know that he
belongs to it, and is itself.
A little touch of this kind took me, when I was full of higher things,
or at least was trying so to be. I had not been to church since my
day of dole, my day of doom and desolation. How could I go to Sunbury
church, and see the spot where Kitty stood and stole my whole
devotion, and see the altar-rails where she had knelt and vowed herself
mine for ever; and now, with no Kitty at my side, be stared at by a
hundred eyes, all asking—“Well, how do you get on?” But now in this
strange place, I went to the Sunday morning service, though Kitty had
been there too with me, in the happy days not long gone by. My aunt
came with me, and with much fine feeling allowed me to sit where my
dear had sat, and to put my hat on the selfsame peg on which she had
placed it for me.
At first it was a bitter time; but I went through it bravely, though
at first I could not bring myself to open the Prayer-book, which I had
brought in the bag with my clothes from Sunbury. My wife had given
it to me at Baycliff, when I happened to admire it in a window, and
I remembered that she had written “Kit,” and nothing else, on the
fly-leaf.
But the first psalm for that morning service, being a very sad one,
suited my state of mind so well that I opened my book to follow it. And
I remember reading with all my heart—“My heart is smitten down, and
withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread. I am become like
a pelican in the wilderness; and like an owl that is in the desert.”
Perhaps through the shaking of my thumb, the cover of the book fell
back, and showed me some words on the fly-leaf written with a pencil by
my own wife. Before the word “Kit,” which was in ink, she had written
with a pencil “Darling,” and after it, “God’s will be done.” The
writing was faint, as if the pencil wanted cutting, and it seemed to
have been dashed off in great haste.
This then was her farewell to me. I was sure that the words had not
been there, the last time I used the Prayer-book; and indeed there
would have been no meaning in them. Over and over again I read them,
forgetting everything else, I fear, and standing up after the first
lesson had begun, until my aunt gave my coat a jerk. I longed to rush
out of the church and think; and the rest of the service went by me, as
a dream.
Though very little light was thrown hereby upon my dark enigma, I found
more comfort perhaps than reason would warrant, in this discovery. In
the first place, if my wife had left me, in bitterness at some fancied
wrong, she would never have addressed me thus; and this alone removed a
weight of misery from my bosom. For it had been agony to me to think,
as I could not help doing, that my own Kitty all the while was nursing
bitterness against me, as if it had been possible for me to wrong
her. And again that she should not have gone entirely without a word,
was a piece of real comfort to me; though others, who have not been
so placed, may think that I was foolish there. Very likely I was; but
never mind. The Prayer-book, as we all acknowledge, is a very noble
work; and nobody can write such English now, as is to be found in it at
every page; and I think that Kitty was quite right in choosing it for
her last word to me. But if it comes to that, she was always right; at
least according to my ideas.
Strange as it may seem to some—who cannot enter into odd states of
mind, such as long had been my lot—I did not say a word, as yet, to my
Aunt Parslow about this matter. She had formed her own theory, like
everybody else, and I meant to let her go through with it. And so she
did, that afternoon, having put great pressure upon herself—for my
sake, as she told me—to enable her to hold her tongue, until she could
speak with advantage, and without any risk of being taken by any one
for a meddler.
For she liked to dine early on Sundays, and she always denied herself
the pleasure of going to church in the afternoon, being one of the
most unselfish persons I have ever met with. After a dinner not to
be gainsaid, at any rate till supper-time, we sat in the garden and
listened to the bells, and thought with pleasure of the congregation
now going to have a hot time of it. I was full of tender recollections,
for this was the very spot where Kitty had shown some delightful want
of reason about Sally Chalker. And I told my aunt all about it now,
with a sigh at the back of every smile. Then she laughed with superior
wisdom, and no longer could contain herself.
“I knew she was a jealous little puss. Every woman has her fault,
almost as much as men have. It took me a long time to discover any
fault in her, until I started that idea myself. To make up for the want
of other faults, she has that one to an extreme, you see. And that is
at the bottom of your present trouble, my poor boy. But she has carried
it to an extreme, I admit. It seems a little too absurd.”
“It is too absurd to be thought of twice,” I answered rather savagely;
“my Kitty is not quite a fool. And she would have been something worse
than a fool, if she had acted from that motive. She would have been
unjust and cruel, not to afford me so much as a chance of clearing
myself from wicked lies. Our married life was short indeed; but long
enough for her to learn that I am not a scoundrel.”
“Don’t be so hot, Kit. You have no idea what a woman’s mind is. She
thought you, of course, a perfect angel, and herself not good enough to
wipe your shoes. She was always humble, as you know; and that tyrant of
a woman must have beaten into her poor head a bitter sense of her own
defects. It is only natural, she would think, that this great wonder of
a man should want some one better than poor me. And when some villain
laid before her some strong evidence, we know not what, she would say
to herself—‘It is as I thought. I will not trouble him to explain. I
will leave him for a while, and perhaps his love will return, when he
has lost me. With this in my heart, I could not bear to look at him,
and know all the while he was longing to be rid of me. I will have no
scene, which would only make him think even less of me than he does.’
And so she would go, without caring where.”
“Possibly, aunt, some women might have done so. But not Kitty. She felt
to her heart my affection for her; and she trusted me, as I trusted
her. Do you suppose that if what you say had even seemed possible to
me, I should have remained, as I have done, waiting for some news of
her. I should have rushed up to every one, who had any motive for
deceiving her, and taken them by the throat, and wrung their wicked,
murderous lies out. No, it is something much worse than that. If Kitty
had left me in petulance, would she have written these last words,
would she have called me her ‘darling Kit’? See what I found this
morning.”
“That proves nothing,” resumed my aunt, when I had shown her my
Prayer-book, and we had discussed that matter; “she may very well have
relented, at the last moment, and written that to you.”
“Then would she have taken all our money? Was that the way to cure my
jealousy, and bring me back to her in penitence? She had a right to the
money, because you put it into her own hand. But I am astonished at her
taking it.”
Miss Parslow was even more astonished, when I told her that part of the
tale, which I had begged Uncle Corny not to do. It grieved me that she
should ever hear of it; but she certainly had the right to know.
“Perhaps you told her in so many words that you meant it entirely for
herself,” I suggested, hoping that it might be so; for, little as I
cared for that trumpery loss, I was cut to the quick that my wife
should have inflicted it; “Kitty must have believed it her own, or she
never would have touched it.”
“I said nothing of the kind,” my aunt replied indignantly; “I gave it
to her, but I meant it for you—that is to say conjointly. Her taking it
was robbery, and nothing else.”
I laughed a little at these words, which I had heard from other
quarters. That my Kitty should be called a robber, seemed a little too
absurd. But I could not be angry in the teeth of facts, at any rate
with the donor.
“I’ll tell you what it is,” she said, even as I had been told before;
“either your wife is as deep a little hypocrite as ever lived, which
I cannot believe, for I should never trust any one again if I did; or
else she ran away from you in a moment of insanity. My poor boy, I am
so sorry for you. I cannot bear to ask you, but have you ever noticed
any tendency that way—anything even odd, or absent, or inconsequential
in her manner? The professor is a very queer man, I have heard. All
great men of science are—well, to say the least eccentric.”
“Captain Fairthorn is perfectly sound and clear-headed, though
not a good man of business. And his daughter is as rational as I
am—much more so, if I am to endure much more of this. She is quick,
and bright-witted, and full of common sense; except that, like her
father, she is a little too confiding. I never saw a token of even the
slightest absence of mind about her. Her only insanity was that she
loved me a great deal better than she loved herself. I believe she
would have laid down her life with pleasure—”
“Don’t talk about it, my dear Kit. I think you have borne things
wonderfully well, now that I know all you have told me. And you must
not break down now, my dear. All will come right in the end, be sure,
although we are in thick darkness now. In spite of all difficulties, I
still hold to my idea of jealousy. However, we won’t talk of that any
more. You know that I called upon Miss Coldpepper, the last time I was
at Sunbury?”
“Yes. But I never heard what she said. I cannot see how she could help
us at all.”
“Well, I thought it worth while to try; and I found her much kinder
than I expected. A little bit stiff at first perhaps, and rather of
the grand lady style; but I am sure that she would help you, if she
could. She likes Kitty better than her own nieces; that I am quite sure
of; and she does not side a bit with that horrid Mrs. Fairthorn, at
least as everybody makes her out, though I always form my own opinion.
She perceived, of course, that I was a lady, and not to be treated as
a fruit-grower might be, such as everybody looks upon as a sort of
apple-pie. I explained that my connection with your Uncle Orchardson
was casual, and had been against my wishes; while my family had been
in the China-trade; and she asked very kindly, if I would have a cup
of tea. I accepted, because I knew how it makes ladies talk. Then she
asked me what I thought of it, and I said it was poor stuff; for I had
no idea of being patronized by her, and I saw that she had sense enough
to like the truth, especially when it was to her advantage, although
not very complimentary. Then she asked me where she could get a better
article; and I told her that I never recommended any place, having
nothing to do with any business now, but living in a very pretty place
of my own. Naturally this made her press me more; and not liking to
be disagreeable, I told her of a place, where by taking twelve pounds
she could get a tea worth two of hers, for fifteen pence a pound
less money. And this made a very fine impression upon her; for she
loves good value for her money. Then she became very gracious indeed;
especially after her cur of a dog came in, and smelling souvenirs of
my high breed, did his utmost to improve himself, by licking them. For
your sake, Kit, I was obliged to say, that the wretched mongrel looked
well-bred. Oh dear, oh dear!”
“Well, never mind, aunt; he has done me a good turn—” I remembered in
time to stop sharply. My Aunt Parslow would take it as worse than high
treason, that I should have stolen even such a dog; and how could I
call it a good turn now?
“No dog would do you a bad turn, Kit,” she continued quite serenely;
“at any rate no well-bred dog; they are as good as a woman, and
infinitely better than any man, in judging human character. Now listen
to what I have to say. I am not very sharp, for I live out of the
world; and everybody owns that it gets much worse, from year to year,
and from day to day. But I don’t care twopence for that, my dear,
because nothing I can do will alter it. Only I am as sure as I am of
the nature of the very best dog I ever had—and there he lies, beneath
that tree—that your Kitty has never done a thing to wrong you, at
least according to her view of things. I will not attempt to explain
that money matter; for it is beyond me, and I am sorry that I spoke so
harshly. I should have considered your feelings more, for I know that
you are as true as steel. There is some black secret that we cannot
pierce; it will all become clear as the day, in time; and in time,
I hope, for your happiness. I can well understand that you have been
stopped in all your inquiries, by that strange device—for I believe it
to be but another device, on the part of some very crafty foe. You have
let some weeks go by, through that. No good has ever come, so far as
I know, of any of those ‘Private Inquiry’ places; and I hate the very
name of them. But I think that you are bound to watch the proceedings
of those two villains, who carried off your Kitty, to that vile place
near Hounslow. Of course, they would never take her there again. That
you have ascertained long ago. And I do not believe that they have
got her now. She would be no good to them, as a married woman. But
they know where she is. I am sure of that. You have been in a maze of
dejection and distress. And your pride has prevented you from doing
what you should have done. Go and see those two men. Hunt them out.
Take the matter entirely into your own hands. Your Uncle Cornelius is
very good and kind. But it is not his wife who is missing.”
“Those two men are not in London. That much has been ascertained,” I
said; “and it does not appear that they were in London, at the time—at
the time of my trouble.”
“Never mind. Find out where they are. Follow them; never mind where it
is. As for money, you shall have another hundred pounds, and a thousand
if it proves needful. Don’t thank me, Kit. It is for my own peace. I
have not enjoyed seeing a dog eat his dinner, since this wickedness was
done. You shall thank me as much as ever you like, when you have got
your Kitty back again. And she will love you ten times more than ever.”