DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I know you must be longing to have my analysis of the
Derby figures. I hasten to comply, for I may say that I have never,
since the War began, had finer scope for my individual talents. Never
have I had--not even in the great Copper Controversy--a bunch of figures
of which it may more truly be said that they are not what they seem,
that there is more in them than meets the eye, and that they contain
wheels within wheels. And first of all, Sir, I hope you will allow me to
explain where I am in this matter; everybody's doing it; and you will
then see at once the moral grandeur of my attitude. I am a convinced
believer in the Voluntary System, always have been--on principle. But I
am willing to sacrifice even that for victory. If it can be shown that
by compulsion _one single man_ can be added to our forces who would not
have volunteered (even if he had been scientifically bullied), I will be
willing to adopt conscription. But, Sir, it cannot be shown.
The crux of the situation admittedly lies with the figures of the Single
Men. (In case of misapprehension I should make it clear that when I
spoke above of "one single man" I did not mean one unmarried man, but
one sole man). We have to begin our attack upon this figure of 651,160
unstarred single men unaccounted for. It seems a good many. But wait a
bit. We shall now proceed to concentrate a powerful succession of
deductions. It only needs a fearless and patriotic ingenuity.
Let us not disregard obvious facts. From this number
we must subtract--
(1) Ministers of religion 5 per cent.
(2) Mercantile Marine 5 "
(3) Medically unfit 40 "
(4) Criminals 1-3/4 "
(5) Badged 10 "
(6) Indispensables 10 "
Total 71-3/4 per cent. You see we are already getting on. But before
going any further we had better consolidate the ground already won by
making certain additions, in case any one man has been counted twice.
These are--
(1) Ministers of religion who are also medically unfit.
(2) Criminals in the mercantile marine.
(3) Ministers of religion in the mercantile marine.
(4) Criminals who are medically unfit.
(5) Indispensable criminals.
(6) Badged criminal ministers of religion.
These categories taken together may be put at 7-1/4 per cent. of our
71-3/4 per cent., and must be deducted from the deductions. There are
also the blind, halt and maimed, deaf, dumb and inebriate, but I am
willing to throw all of them in so as to be on the safe side.
So far we have to deduct, then, some 66-1/2 per cent. from our total. We
must do better than that if we are to get on the right side of
negligibility. So now we come to examine the canvass. A good many men
were not canvassed, or at least misunderstood the canvasser. I know of
one man in my constituency (unstarred, unbadged, fit, single and of army
age) who thought the fellow had come to collect for Foreign Missions, to
which he has a conscientious objection.
Along with these I propose to deduct the great class of what I shall
call the Self-centred. These are they who not only were never canvassed,
but didn't even so much as hear about it, who had probably given up
newspapers as a war economy and were living quiet virtuous lives in
out-of-the-way places. Add to them removals and conscientious objectors
(_less_ allowance for conscientious removals) and we have a total not
short of 27-1/2 per cent.
Then again, as the supply of recruits becomes exhausted, it must always
be remembered that we are dealing with a residuum. That is to say, those
that remain are always growing more conscientious, more criminal, more
unfit, more mercantile and so on. However, I count nothing for that, for
I haven't much of my total left to dispose of, and I have still to deal
with spoiled cards.
Everyone who has assisted at a contested election knows very well that
many mistakes occur. I propose to allow 3 per cent. for illegible cards
which prevented the canvasser from tracking his prey, 4 per cent. for
those who failed to find the recruiting office owing to misdirection,
but will be sure to find it before long, and 1/2 per cent. for sundries,
such as men who were temporarily confined to the house.
Our final result is thoroughly satisfactory, and one that must give
Compulsionists some food for thought, for however much they may wish to
introduce the principle they cannot desire to reduce our forces in the
field in the middle of a great war. In a word, we must deduct 101-1/2
per cent. from 651,160. That gives us an adverse balance of 9,767. This
means that, if the present Bill is to go through and compulsion is
definitely adopted, nearly half a division of our present army must be
disbanded forthwith. It is just as well that we should see clearly what
we are heading for.
It has given me great pleasure to have the opportunity of clearing up
this vexed question.