In a description of Lord KITCHENER'S home at Broome Park we read that on
the way there one passes a kind of crater known by the rustics as "Old
England's Hole." And a little farther on you come to the man who got Old
England out of it.
***
A German professor advocates the appointment of State matrimonial
agents. Elderly and experienced ladies and gentlemen should be employed
to bring young people together, and "unostentatiously to give them
practical counsel, conveying their remarks tactfully, and in such a way
as not to awaken the spirit of contradiction found in youthful minds;"
paying due regard, moreover, to theories of eugenics and heredity. The
Winged Boy disguised as an antique German professor makes an attractive
picture.
***
Some anxiety was caused in America by the news that the FORD Peace party
was to meet in the Zoo at the Hague. But they have all emerged safely.
***
The Governor of South Carolina, who was one of the members of this
heroic mission, left the Hague in a great hurry and returned to America
before the rest of the delegates. Much curiosity is expressed as to what
the Governor of North Carolina will have to say to him on this occasion.
***
In spite of the Government's official discouragement of any further rise
in wages a demand for an increase of no less than 33-1/3 per cent, has
been made by the "knockers-up" in the Manchester district. For going
round in the chill hours of the morning and wakening the workers, these
blood-suckers (chiefly old men and cripples) receive at present the
princely remuneration of threepence per head per week; and they have now
the effrontery to ask for fourpence.
***
The German Government has decided to raise the charge for telegrams.
WOLFF'S Bureau has instructed its correspondents that in order to meet
this new impost the percentage of truth in its despatches must be still
further diminished.
***
Before the opening of the Luxemburg Parliament two members of the
Opposition threw the chairs belonging to Ministers out of the window. It
is feared that something of the kind may be attempted at Westminster,
since several Members have been observed to cast longing eyes upon the
Treasury Bench.
***
With a view to increasing the food-supply the German Government have
extended the time for shooting hares from January 16th to February 1st,
and for pheasants from February 1st to March 1st. The dachshund season,
we understand, will be continued for the duration of the War.
***
Count KOSPOTH, a member of the Prussian Upper House, in the course of an
energetic plea for economy, remarks that "at one's country-seat one can
very well do without a motor-car, and even with two to four horses in
stables instead of six or eight." This was read with great satisfaction
by the Berlin _Hausfrau_ on a meatless day when the bread-card was
exhausted.
***
The House of Commons was quite relieved when Sir GEORGE REID took his
seat. There had been some fears that he would take two.
***
A young woman who mistook Vine-street police station for a tavern, and
was fined ten shillings for drunkenness, is reported to have expressed
the opinion that there is room for improvement in the nomenclature of
our public edifices.
***
"My grave doubt," writes a Conscientious Objector regarding his fellows,
"is whether there is any reasonable chance that most of them will be
able to convince a tribunal that their conscientious objection is real."
It may comfort him to know that his doubt is very widely shared.
***
"DEAR MR. PUNCH," writes a soldier at the Front who has been reading the
Parliamentary reports,--"Do you think an officer out here who developed
'conscientious objections' might get a week's leave?"
***
In the course of a debate in the Reichstag on the German Press Bureau it
was revealed that the Censor had struck out quotations from GOETHE as
being dangerous to the State. Our man who tinkered with KIPLING is
wonderfully bucked by this intelligence.
***
Bread is the staff of life, and, in the view of certain officers in the
trenches, whose opinions we cannot of course guarantee, the life of the
Staff is one long loaf.
***
Extracted from the report of an enthusiastic company commander after a
brisk action with some tribesmen on the Indian Frontier: "The men were
behaving exactly as if on ceremonial parade. They laughed and talked the
whole time...." We seem to recognise that parade.
* * * * *
Extract from letter from an Unconscientious Slacker.
[Illustration: "DEAR LORD KITCHENER,--I am not a good walker, which
prevents my joining the Infantry. As I have no experience of horses, the
Cavalry is also out of the question. The Artillery I don't care for on
account of the noise, and flying makes me giddy. The A.S.C. does not
appeal to me, and the R.A.M.C. would entail some very unpleasant duties.
"So you had better not worry about me. Perhaps when the fine weather
comes I may think about the Navy. I am rather keen on boating...."]
* * * * *
"We have from the first declared that should the voluntary
system fail to supply the men needed to win the war and who
could be spared from civil war we would accept and support it."
_Manchester Guardian._
Unfortunately, to judge by the proceedings at the Labour Conference, the
claims of civil war are very heavy.
* * * * *