I hold myself extremely obliged to you for your communications. I will
make no use of them, that you shall have reason to reproach either
yourself or me with. I wanted no new lights to make the unhappy man's
premeditated baseness to me unquestionable, as my answer to Miss
Montague's letter might convince you.*
* See Letter LXVIII. of this volume.
I must own, in his favour, that he has observed some decency in his
accounts to you of the most indecent and shocking actions. And if all
his strangely-communicative narrations are equally decent, nothing will
be rendered criminally odious by them, but the vile heart that could
meditate such contrivances as were much stronger evidences of his
inhumanity than of his wit: since men of very contemptible parts and
understanding may succeed in the vilest attempts, if they can once bring
themselves to trample on the sanctions which bind man to man; and sooner
upon an innocent person than upon any other; because such a one is apt to
judge of the integrity of others' hearts by its own.
I find I have had great reason to think myself obliged to your intention
in the whole progress of my sufferings. It is, however, impossible, Sir,
to miss the natural inference on this occasion that lies against his
predetermined baseness. But I say the less, because you shall not think
I borrow, from what you have communicated, aggravations that are not
needed.
And now, Sir, that I may spare you the trouble of offering any future
arguments in his favour, let me tell you that I have weighed every thing
thoroughly--all that human vanity could suggest--all that a desirable
reconciliation with my friends, and the kind respects of his own, could
bid me hope for--the enjoyment of Miss Howe's friendship, the dearest
consideration to me, now, of all the worldly ones--all these I have
weighed: and the result is, and was before you favoured me with these
communications, that I have more satisfaction in the hope that, in one
month, there will be an end of all with me, than in the most agreeable
things that could happen from an alliance with Mr. Lovelace, although I
were to be assured he would make the best and tenderest of husbands. But
as to the rest; if, satisfied with the evils he has brought upon me, he
will forbear all further persecutions of me, I will, to my last hour,
wish him good: although he hath overwhelmed the fatherless, and digged a
pit for his friend: fatherless may she well be called, and motherless
too, who has been denied all paternal protection, and motherly
forgiveness.
***
And now, Sir, acknowledging gratefully your favour in the extracts, I
come to the second request I had to make you; which requires a great deal
of courage to mention; and which courage nothing but a great deal of
distress, and a very destitute condition, can give. But, if improper, I
can but be denied; and dare to say I shall be at least excused. Thus,
then, I preface it:
'You see, Sir, that I am thrown absolutely into the hands of strangers,
who, although as kind and compassionate as strangers can be wished to be,
are, nevertheless, persons from whom I cannot expect any thing more than
pity and good wishes; nor can my memory receive from them any more
protection than my person, if either should need it.
'If then I request it, of the only person possessed of materials that
will enable him to do my character justice;
'And who has courage, independence, and ability to oblige me;
'To be the protector or my memory, as I may say;
'And to be my executor; and to see some of my dying requests performed;
'And if I leave it to him to do the whole in his own way, manner, and
time; consulting, however, in requisite cases, my dear Miss Howe;
'I presume to hope that this my second request may be granted.'
And if it may, these satisfactions will accrue to me from the favour done
me, and the office undertaken:
'It will be an honour to my memory, with all those who shall know that I
was so well satisfied of my innocence, that, having not time to write my
own story, I could intrust it to the relation which the destroyer of my
fame and fortunes has given of it.
'I shall not be apprehensive of involving any one in my troubles or
hazards by this task, either with my own relations, or with your friend;
having dispositions to make which perhaps my own friends will not be so
well pleased with as it were to be wished they would be;' as I intend not
unreasonable ones; but you know, Sir, where self is judge, matters, even
with good people, will not always be rightly judged of.
'I shall also be freed from the pain of recollecting things that my soul
is vexed at; and this at a time when its tumults should be allayed, in
order to make way for the most important preparation.
'And who knows, but that Mr. Belford, who already, from a principle of
humanity, is touched at my misfortunes, when he comes to revolve the
whole story, placed before him in one strong light: and when he shall
have the catastrophe likewise before him; and shall become in a manner
interested in it; who knows, but that, from a still higher principle, he
may so regulate his future actions as to find his own reward in the
everlasting welfare which is wished him by his
'Obliged servant,
'CLARISSA HARLOWE?'