Lovel. [Interrupting her.] Why now, Cousin Charlotte, chucking her
under the chin, would you have me tell you all that has passed between
the lady and me? Would you care, had you a bold and enterprizing lover,
that proclamation should be made of every little piece of amorous
roguery, that he offered to you?
Charlotte reddened. They all began to exclaim. But I proceeded.
The lady says, 'She has been dishonoured' (devil take me, if I spare
myself!) 'by means that would shock humanity to be made acquainted with
them.' She is a very innocent lady, and may not be a judge of the means
she hints at. Over-niceness may be under-niceness: Have you not such a
proverb, my Lord?--tantamount to, One extreme produces another!----Such
a lady as this may possibly think her case more extraordinary than it is.
This I will take upon me to say, that if she has met with the only man in
the world who would have treated her, as she says I have treated her, I
have met in her with the only woman in the world who would have made such
a rout about a case that is uncommon only from the circumstances that
attend it.
This brought them all upon me; hands, eyes, voices, all lifted at once.
But my Lord M. who has in his head (the last seat of retreating lewdness)
as much wickedness as I have in my heart, was forced (upon the air I
spoke this with, and Charlotte's and all the rest reddening) to make a
mouth that was big enough to swallow up the other half of his face;
crying out, to avoid laughing, Oh! Oh!--as if under the power of a gouty
twinge.
Hadst thou seen how the two tabbies and the young grimalkins looked at
one another, at my Lord, and at me, by turns, thou would have been ready
to split thy ugly face just in the middle. Thy mouth hath already done
half the work. And, after all, I found not seldom in this conversation,
that my humourous undaunted airs forced a smile into my service from the
prim mouths of the young ladies. They perhaps, had they met with such
another intrepid fellow as myself, who had first gained upon their
affections, would not have made such a rout as my beloved has done, about
such an affair as that we were assembled upon. Young ladies, as I have
observed on an hundred occasions, fear not half so much for themselves
as their mothers do for them. But here the girls were forced to put on
grave airs, and to seem angry, because the antiques made the matter of
such high importance. Yet so lightly sat anger and fellow-feeling at
their hearts, that they were forced to purse in their mouths, to
suppress the smiles I now-and-then laid out for: while the elders
having had roses (that is to say, daughters) of their own, and knowing
how fond men are of a trifle, would have been very loth to have had
them nipt in the bud, without saying to the mother of them, By your
leave, Mrs. Rose-bush.
The next article of my indictment was for forgery; and for personating
of Lady Betty and my cousin Charlotte.
Two shocking charges, thou'lt say: and so they were!--The Peer was
outrageous upon the forgery charge. The Ladies vowed never to forgive
the personating part.
Not a peace-maker among them. So we all turned women, and scolded.
My Lord told me, that he believed in his conscience there was not a
viler fellow upon God's earth than me.--What signifies mincing the
matter? said he--and that it was not the first time I had forged his
hand.
To this I answered, that I supposed, when the statute of Scandalum
Magnatum was framed, there were a good many in the peerage who knew
they deserved hard names; and that that law therefore was rather made
to privilege their qualities, than to whiten their characters.
He called upon me to explain myself, with a Sir-r, so pronounced, as to
show that one of the most ignominious words in our language was in his
head.
People, I said, that were fenced in by their quality, and by their
years, should not take freedoms that a man of spirit could not put up
with, unless he were able heartily to despise the insulter.
This set him in a violent passion. He would send for Pritchard
instantly. Let Pritchard be called. He would alter his will; and all
he could leave from me, he would.
Do, do, my Lord, said I: I always valued my own pleasure above your
estate. But I'll let Pritchard know, that if he draws, he shall sign
and seal.
Why, what would I do to Pritchard?--shaking his crazy head at me.
Only, what he, or any man else, writes with his pen, to despoil me of
what I think my right, he shall seal with his ears; that's all, my
Lord.
Then the two Ladies interposed.
Lady Sarah told me, that I carried things a great way; and that neither
Lord M. nor any of them, deserved the treatment I gave them.
I said, I could not bear to be used ill by my Lord, for two reasons;
first, because I respected his Lordship above any man living; and next,
because it looked as if I were induced by selfish considerations to
take that from him, which nobody else would offer to me.
And what, returned he, shall be my inducement to take what I do at your
hands?--Hay, Sir?
Indeed, Cousin Lovelace, said Lady Betty, with great gravity, we do not
any of us, as Lady Sarah says, deserve at your hands the treatment you
give us: and let me tell you, that I don't think my character and your
cousin Charlotte's ought to be prostituted, in order to ruin an innocent
lady. She must have known early the good opinion we all have of her, and
how much we wished her to be your wife. This good opinion of ours has
been an inducement to her (you see she says so) to listen to your
address. And this, with her friends' folly, has helped to throw her into
your power. How you have requited her is too apparent. It becomes the
character we all bear, to disclaim your actions by her. And let me tell
you, that to have her abused by wicked people raised up to personate us,
or any of us, makes a double call upon us to disclaim them.
Lovel. Why this is talking somewhat like. I would have you all
disclaim my actions. I own I have done very vilely by this lady. One
step led to another. I am curst with an enterprizing spirit. I hate
to be foiled--
Foiled! interrupted Lady Sarah. What a shame to talk at this
rate!--Did the lady set up a contention with you? All nobly sincere,
and plain-hearted, have I heard Miss Clarissa Harlowe is: above art,
above disguise; neither the coquette, nor the prude!--Poor lady! she
deserved a better fare from the man for whom she took the step which
she so freely blames!
This above half affected me.--Had this dispute been so handled by every
one, I had been ashamed to look up. I began to be bashful.
Charlotte asked if I did not still seem inclinable to do the lady
justice, if she would accept of me? It would be, she dared to say, the
greatest felicity the family could know (she would answer for one) that
this fine lady were of it.
They all declared to the same effect; and Lady Sarah put the matter
home to me.
But my Lord Marplot would have it that I could not be serious for six
minutes together.
I told his Lordship that he was mistaken; light as he thought I made of
his subject, I never knew any that went so near my heart.
Miss Patty said she was glad to hear that: and her soft eyes glistened
with pleasure.
Lord M. called her sweet soul, and was ready to cry.
Not from humanity neither, Jack. This Peer has no bowels; as thou
mayest observe by this treatment of me. But when people's minds are
weakened by a sense of their own infirmities, and when they are drawing
on to their latter ends, they will be moved on the slightest occasions,
whether those offer from within or without them. And this, frequently,
the unpenetrating world, calls humanity; when all the time, in
compassionating the miseries of human nature, they are but pitying
themselves; and were they in strong health and spirits, would care as
little for any body else as thou or I do.
Here broke they off my trial for this sitting. Lady Sarah was much
fatigued. It was agreed to pursue the subject in the morning. They
all, however, retired together, and went into private conference.