[Illustration: Turning over fresh Leaves.]
_House of Commons, Monday, July 28._--STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL are
amongst the most regular visitors to our lobby from House of Lords.
RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA run them pretty close, but come in only
a good second. Moreover, whilst RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA rarely go
beyond the lobby, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL press forward into Gallery
reserved for Peers, and there sweetly go to sleep, "Like Babes in the
Wood," says Colonel MALCOLM, turning over leaves of Orders as if he
would like to complete the simile by acting the part of the birds.
To-night STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL leave us forlorn. They have business
in their own House; been long concerned for interests of State as
affected by the MARKISS'S persistence in combining office of Premier
with that of Foreign Secretary.
"It would be too much even for us," said STRATHEDEN, in conversation
we had before House met; "and," he continued, "though I say it what
shouldn't, I don't know any arrangement that would be happier or more
complete than if we undertook the job. What do you say, CAMPBELL?
Would you be Premier, or would you take the Foreign Seals?"
"The Premier place is yours," said CAMPBELL, gallantly; "at least,
it is now. When we first started in life we used to call ourselves
CAMPBELL and STRATHEDEN. You'll find it so in the _Peerages_ of
earlier date; now it's the other way about, and STRATHEDEN takes the
_pas_."
"That was entirely your doing, CAMPBELL, said STRATHEDEN; so modest,
so retiring, so thoughtful! After we'd been known as CAMPBELL and
STRATHEDEN for good many years, you came to me and said it was my turn
now. I objected; you insisted; and here we are, a power in the State,
an object of interest in the Commons, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL in the
Lords."
"A little awkward, don't you think," I ventured to say, edging in a
word, "for you two fellows to take this strong stand against duality?"
"Not at all," said STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL, both together; "we are
authorities on the subject, and we say that the MARKISS cannot in his
single person adequately perform the dual duties pertaining to his
high offices; therefore we shall go and move our resolution protesting
against arrangement."
Pretty to see them marching off. Always walk on tip-toe; ROSEBERY says
it is a practice adopted so as not to disturb each other when engaged
in thinking out deep problems; two of the best and the happiest old
fellows in the world; their only trouble is that on divisions their
vote should count as only one. CAMPBELL, in whom hot Cupar blood
flows, once proposed to raise question of privilege, but soothed by
STRATHEDEN, who has in him a strong strain of the diplomatic character
of his grandfather, ABINGER.
_Business done._--In the Lords, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL raised
question of MARKISS as Premier and Foreign Secretary. In Commons,
Anglo-German Agreement sanctioned.
_Tuesday._--Scotch Members had their innings to-night; played a pretty
stiff game till, at twelve o'clock, stumps drawn. All about what used
to be called the Compensation Bill. Got a new name now; Compensation
Clauses dropped; but JOKIM finds it dreary work dragging the wreck
along.
"Seems to me, Tony," he said with a sob in his voice, "that whatever
I do is wrong. This Bill has gone through various transmogrifications
since; with a light heart, I brought it in as part of Budget scheme.
But it's all the same. Hit high or hit low, I can't please 'em. Begin
to think if there were any other business open for me, should chuck
this up."
"Ever been in the carpet-cleaning line?" said MAPLE-BLUNDELL, in harsh
voice, and with curiously soured face. Generally beams through life
as if it were all sunshine. Now cloud Seems to have fallen over his
expansive person, and he is as gloomy as JOKIM.
[Illustration: Floored by the Carpet.]
"It's all very well for you," he continues, glowering at JOKIM, "to
complain of your lot; but till you go into the carpet-cleaning line
you never know what vicissitudes mean. One day, alighting from your
four-in-hand, and happily able to spare to Tottenham Court Road a few
moments from direction of national affairs, you look in at your shop;
enter a lady who says she wants a carpet cleaned. 'Very well' you say
rubbing your hands, and smiling blandly; 'and what will be the next
article.' Nothing more. Only this blooming carpet, out of which, when
the job is finished and it is sent home you make a modest five bob.
Your keen insight into figures, JOKIM, will convince you that the coin
colloquially known as five bob won't go far to enable you to cut a
figure in Society, drive four-in-hand, give pic-nics in your park to
the Primrose League, and subscribe to the Canton Fund. However, there
it is; carpet comes; you send it out in usual way, and what happens?
Why it blows itself up, kills two boys, lames a man, and then you
discover that you've been entertaining unawares a carpet worth £1000
which you have to pay. Did that ever happen to you at the Treasury?"
MAPLE-BLUNDELL fiercely demanded. JOKIM forced to admit that his
infinite sorrows had never taken that particular turn.
"Very well, then," snapped MAPLE-BLUNDELL, "don't talk to me about
your troubles. As far as I know this is the only carpet in the world
valued at £1000; it is certainly the only one that ever went off by
spontaneous combustion; and I had this particular carpet in charge, at
the very moment when it was ready to combust spontaneously."
"Yes," said JOKIM, softly, as MAPLE-BLUNDELL went off, viciously
stamping on the carpet that covers the Library floor, "we all have
our troubles, and when I think of MAPLE-BLUNDELL and his combustible
carpet I am able the better to bear the woes I have."
[Illustration: ? ? ?] _Business done._--In Committee on Local
Taxation Bill.
_Thursday._--"True, TOBY," OLD MORALITY said, in reply to an
observation, "I am a little tired, and naturally; things haven't been
going so well as they did; but I could get along well enough if it
wasn't for SUMMERS. CONEYBEARE'S cantankerous; STORY is strenuous;
TANNER tedious; and DILLON denunciatory. But there's something about
SUMMERS that is peculiarly aggravating. In the first place, he is, as
far as appearances go, such a quiet, amiable, inoffensive young man.
Looking at him, one would think that butter wouldn't melt in his
mouth, much less that Mixed Marriages in Malta should keep him awake
at night, and the question of International Arbitration should lower
his appetite. Yet you know how it is. He seems to have some leisure
on his hands; uses it to formulate conundrums; comes down here, and
propounds them to me. Just look at his list for to-night.
LINTORN SIMMONDS'S Mission to the POPE; Customs' Duty in Algeria;
International Arbitration; Walfish Bay, and Damara Land, together with
the view the Cape Colonies may take of the Anglo-German Agreement.
That pretty well for one night; but he's gone off now, to look up a
fresh batch, which he'll unfold to-morrow. Now is the winter of our
discontent, which is chilly enough; but, for my part, I often think
that life would be endurable only for its SUMMERS."
Haven't often heard OLD MORALITY speak so bitterly; generally, even at
worst time, overflowing with geniality; ready to take kindest view of
circumstances, and hope for the best. But SUMMERS, surveying mankind
from China to Peru in search of material for fresh conundrum, too much
for mildest-mannered man. OLD MORALITY, goaded to verge of madness,
jumps up; hotly declines to reply to SUMMERS; begs him to address his
questions to Ministers to whose Department they belonged.
_Business done._--Local Taxation Bill through Committee.
_Friday._--Still in our ashes live our wonted fires. Dwelling just now
amid ashes of expiring Session; everything dull and deadly; pounding
away at Local Taxation Bill; Scotch Members to the fore, for the
fortieth time urging that the £40,000 allotted them in relief of
school fees shall be made £90,000. House divides, and also for
fortieth time says "No;" expect to go on with next Amendment; when
suddenly HARCOURT springs on OLD MORALITY'S back, digs his knuckles
into his eyes, bites his ear, and observes that he "has never seen a
piece of more unexampled insolence." OLD MORALITY, when he recovers
breath, goes and tells the Master--I mean the SPEAKER. SPEAKER says
HARCOURT shouldn't use language like that; so HARCOURT subsides, and
incident closes as rapidly and suddenly as it opened.
A little later COMPTON goes for RAIKES; hints that he sub-edited
for _Hansard_ portions of a speech delivered in House on Post Office
affairs. RAIKES says "Noble Lord charged me with having deliberately
falsified my speech." COMPTON says he didn't. "Then," said RAIKES,
with pleading voice that went to every heart, "I wish the Noble Lord
had the manliness to charge me with deliberate falsification." COMPTON
refused to oblige; RAIKES really depressed.
"Don't know what we're coming to, TOBY," he said, "when one almost
goes on his knees to ask a man to charge him with deliberate
falsification, and he won't do it. Thought better of COMPTON; see him
in his true light now." _Business done._--A good deal.
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