It is the law throughout the Old Dominion,
When some poor devil dies in peace or battle,
The executor must be of the opinion
His goods are perishing, and sell each chattel;
Whatever treads on hoof, or flies on pinion--
Hogs, horses, cows, and every sort of cattle--
Cups, saucers, swingle trees and looking glasses--
Ploughs, pots and pans, teakettles and jackasses.
A man who never quotes, it has been said, will in return never be
quoted. By way therefore of quoting, and at the same time of being
quoted, I have quoted a poem of my own, which "will never be
published," written in attempted imitation of Beppo, and describing a
sale in Virginia. Who has not seen something like the following
staring him in the face, on the side of a store or tavern, or upon the
post of a sign-board where several roads meet? "_I shel purceed to sel
to the highest bidder, on Saterday the 3d of Janewary next, at Blank,
all the housol and kitchen ferniter of the late David Double, Esq.
together with all the horses, muels, sheep and hoges. Cash on all sums
of five dollars and under, and a credit of twelve months on the
ballance. Bond with aproved sekurity will be requierd_," _&c._ Such a
notification as the above, which is copied verbatim et spellatim,
operates like an electric shock on a whole neighborhood in that
portion of the country in which I reside, especially upon that part of
the population which can least afford to buy bargains. The temptation
of long credit is too great to be resisted, although no calculations
of the ultimate ability to pay are ever made. The grand desideratum
is, to obtain the necessary security, and to purchase to a greater
amount than five dollars. I am myself infected by this prevailing
malady, and frequently buy what is of no manner of use to me, simply
because no cash is required, and bonds are hard to collect, and suits
may be put off by continuances, and matters of this sort after all,
may be settled by executors and administrators. Among the rest
therefore, on the day appointed by the aforesaid notification, I
mounted my horse, and sallied out upon the road leading to Blank, and
fell in with a large party going to the sale, principally managers, as
they call themselves now-a-days, on the neighboring estates. Formerly
they were yclept overseers, but the term is falling into disuse, as
conveying the idea of something derogatory. They were mounted in every
variety of style; there were long tails, and bob tails, and nicked
tails; and I saw at least one sheep skin saddle and grape vine bridle.
By the by, talking of grape vines, what a country ours is for this
invaluable article. Here is no need of hemp manufactories. Nature, in
her exuberant goodness, has supplied an abundance of primitive rope,
which is just as convenient and efficacious as the best cordage,
whether a man wants to hang himself or a dog--whether he wants a cap
for his fence, a backband for his plough-horse, a pair of leading
lines, or a girth for his saddle. Why should we be the advocates of a
tariff, when nature supplies us in peace or war with this and many
other articles of the first necessity, among which I once heard a
Chotanker enumerate _mint_. "Why," said he, "should we fear a
dissolution of the union, a separation of the north from the south,
when there is not a sprig of mint in all New England?" When this was
said, peradventure it might be true; but to my certain knowledge, at
this day the word julap is well understood much farther north than
Mason's and Dixon's line. Pardon me, reader, this digression--for I am
mounted to-day on a rough-going, headstrong animal, that will have his
own way, and wants to turn aside into every by-path which he sees, and
is as "_willyard a pony_" as that ridden by Dumbiedikes, when he
followed Jeanie Deans to lend her the purse of gold. But to return. I
cannot let this opportunity slip of singling out one of this group of
horsemen for description, that you may have a graphic sketch of the
sort of folks and horses that live hereabouts. Wert thou ever upon
Hoecake Ridge? and hast thou ever met in winter, a thorough bred
native of that region, mounted upon his little shaggy pony, "_skelping
on through dub and mire_," like Tam O'Shanter? Here he was to-day, in
his element, dressed in Nankin pantaloons and a thin cotton jacket,
and riding in the teeth of a strong northwester, singing "_Life let us
cherish_." His saddle had no skirts, having been robbed of those
useless appendages by some rogue who wanted a pair of brogues; his
bridle had as many knots as the sea serpent. But my business is not so
much with him as with his pony, whose head and neck may be aptly
represented by a maul and its handle. His tail is six inches long, and
standing at an angle of forty-five degrees with his back; his hair is
long and shaggy; he is cat-hammed, and his chest so narrow that his
fore legs almost touch one another; his eyes snap fire when you plague
him. You may talk of improving the breed of horses. Tell me not of
your Eclipses, your Henrys--of Arabians or Turks. They may be all very
well in their places, but this pony is the animal for my country. He
can bite the grass which is absolutely invisible to human eyes, and
subsist upon it. If you would give him six ears of corn twice a day,
he would be almost too fat to travel. He never stumbles. Give him the
rein, and he will pick his path as carefully as a lady. His powers of
endurance exceed the camel's. His master is a sot, and his horse will
stand all night at a tippling shop, gnawing a fence rail; he almost
prefers it to a corn-stalk which has been lying out all winter, his
common food. When his master comes forth and mounts, he studies
attitudes. If the rider reel to the right, the pony leans to the
starboard side; if to the left, he tacks to suit him. If the master
fall, he falls clear, having no girth to his saddle, and the pony does
not waste time in useless meditation upon accidents that will happen
to the best of us, but moves homeward with accelerated velocity,
leaping every obstacle in his way to his brush stable.
It was my good fortune to drop in alongside of the man who was mounted
upon this incomparable animal, and complimenting him upon his
philosophy in the selection of his song, and on the dexterity of his
horse, I soon found he was a great politician, and we chatted most
agreeably until our arrival at the place of sale. He was a violent
----, but not a word of politics; literature and politics are
different matters altogether. You may be a great politician, you know,
without a particle of literature. Politicians are the last people in
the world to bear a joke; and if I were even to glance at the
discourse of my neighbors, there are many who would not submit to this
interference with their exclusive business; they would see in it "more
devils than vast hell could hold." The world must therefore be content
to lose the humor of my singular acquaintance, as I cannot possibly do
justice to his conceptions without the mention of names. I shall die
though, unless I find some occasion of disclosing them; for old
Hardcastle's man Diggory was never more diverted at his story of the
grouse in the gun-room, than was I at the political conceits of my
Hoecake-ridger. Having arrived at Blank, we _hung_ our horses, as
Virginians always do after riding them, and entered the grounds before
a venerable looking building which had been completely embowelled, and
its contents were piled in promiscuous heaps in various parts of the
yard. Within the great house, as it is usually styled, was already
assembled around a blazing fire, a crowd of exceedingly noisy folks,
all talking at once, and nobody apparently listening. The names of our
leading men sounded on every side, and the Tower of Babel never
witnessed a greater confusion of tongues. For my own part, it always
makes me melancholy to contemplate this inroad of Goths and Vandals
upon apartments which were once perhaps so sacred, and kept in order
with such sedulous attention. It seems a profanation--a want of
respect for the recently dead, and a cruel outrage upon the feelings
of the surviving family. Nothing escapes the prying eye of
curiosity--the rude footstep invades the very penetralia. The
household gods, the Dii Penates are all upturned; and mirth and
jesting reign amidst the precincts of woe. I felt like a jackal
tearing open the grave for my prey. The crier, the high priest of
these infernal orgies, now came forward with his badge of office, the
jug of whiskey, and announced that the sale would commence as soon as
he could wet his whistle, which he proceeded to do, and then began to
ply his customers. It is wonderful to think how much ingenuity has
been displayed in finding out metaphors to describe the detestable act
of tippling. The renowned biographer of Washington and Marion has
imbodied a number of these in one of his minor performances; but
several which I heard this day were new to me, and escaped his
researches; thus, I heard one upbraid another for being too fond of
"_tossing his head back_," while a third invited his companion to
"_rattle the stopper_"--and upon my taking a very moderate drink, and
so weak that a temperance man would scarcely have frowned upon me, I
was clapped on the back and jeered for my fondness of the creature,
since I was willing to swallow an ocean of water to get at a drop. In
a very short time the liquid fire of the Greeks ran through the veins
of the crowd, and they were quickly ripe for bidding--
"Inspiring bold John Barleycorn,
What dangers thou canst make us scorn;
Wi' tippenny we fear nae evil--
Wi' Usquebaugh we'll face the devil."
The "swats sae ream'd" in their noddles, that every thing sold at a
price far beyond its value, and our crier became so exceedingly
facetious, and cracked so many excellent ironical jokes, that it is a
pity they should be lost. Being unskilled however in stenography, I
could not take down his words, and only remember that every untrimmed
_old field_ colt was a regular descendant of Eclipse; the long nosed
hogs were unquestionably Parkinson; the sheep, Merinoes; the cattle
which were notoriously _all horn_, were short horns, &c. &c. They
seemed to me but a scurvy set of animals; but those who saw through a
_glass_ darkly, seemed to entertain a very different opinion. The
"mirth and fun grew fast and furious," "till first a caper sin
anither" "they lost their reason a' thegither," and the sale closed in
one wild uproarious scuffle for every thing at any price whatever.
It now became necessary to return home, an important consideration
which had been wholly overlooked; and the difficulty of mounting our
horses having been overcome after many trials, we began to "witch the
world with" feats of "noble horsemanship." Such "racing and chasing"
had not been seen since the days of Cannobie lea, and quizzing became
the order of the evening. Perceiving the mettlesome nature of my
steed, my friend the politician and philosopher, seemed resolved upon
unhorsing me, notwithstanding my entreaties that he would forbear; and
by dint of riding violently up to me, and shouting out at the top of
his voice, he so alarmed my nag, that he seized the bit between his
teeth, and away I flew, John Gilpin like, to the infinite amusement of
my persecutor, until I was safely deposited in a mud hole, near my own
gate, from whence I had to finish my journey on foot, and appear
before my helpmate in a condition that reflected greatly upon my
character. As a finale to this mortifying business, my purchases were
brought home the next day, and were most unceremoniously thrown out of
doors by my wife, as utterly useless, being literally sans eyes, sans
teeth, sans every thing; cracked pitchers, broken pots, spiders
without legs, jugs without handles, et id genus omne.