"Are you going to the Trents' dinner tonight?" I asked.
"Yes," he said briefly.
"Mrs. Rennie will be there," I said.
Sidney nodded.
"Do you think her so very handsome, Sidney?" I said. I had never
mentioned Mrs. Rennie to him since the day we were coasting, and I
didn't mean to now. The question just asked itself.
"Yes, very; but not as handsome as you will be ten years from now,
Nic," said Sidney lightly.
"Do you think I'm handsome, Sidney?" I cried.
"You will be when you're grown up," he answered, looking at me
critically.
"Will you be going to Mrs. Greaves' reception after the dinner?" I
asked.
"Yes, I suppose so," said Sidney absently. I could see he wasn't
thinking of me at all. I wondered if he were thinking of Mrs. Rennie.
* * * * *
April Sixth.
Oh, something so wonderful has happened. I can hardly believe it.
There are moments when I quake with the fear that it is all a dream. I
wonder if I can really be the same Cornelia Marshall I was yesterday.
No, I'm _not_ the same ... and the difference is so blessed.
Oh, I'm so happy! My heart bubbles over with happiness and song. It's
so wonderful and lovely to be a woman and know it and know that other
people know it.
You dear diary, you were made for this moment ... I shall write all
about it in you and so fulfil your destiny. And then I shall put you
away and never write anything more in you, because I shall not need
you ... I shall have Sidney.
Last night I was all alone in the house ... and I was so lonely and
miserable. I put my chin on my hands and I thought ... and thought ...
and thought. I imagined Sidney at the Greaves', talking to Mrs. Rennie
with that velvety smile in his eyes. I could see her, graceful and
white, in her trailing, clinging gown, with diamonds about her smooth
neck and in her hair. I suddenly wondered what I would look like in
evening dress with my hair up. I wondered if Sidney would like me in
it.
All at once I got up and rushed to Sue's room. I lighted the gas,
rummaged, and went to work. I piled my hair on top of my head, pinned
it there, and thrust a long silver dagger through it to hold a couple
of pale white roses she had left on her table. Then I put on her last
winter's party dress. It was such a pretty pale yellow thing, with
touches of black lace, and it didn't matter about its being a little
old-fashioned, since it fitted me like a glove. Finally I stepped back
and looked at myself.
I saw a woman in that glass ... a tall, straight creature with crimson
cheeks and glowing eyes ... and the thought in my mind was so
insistent that it said itself aloud: "Oh, I wish Sidney could see me
now!"
At that very moment the maid knocked at the door to tell me that Mr.
Elliot was downstairs asking for me. I did not hesitate a second. With
my heart beating wildly I trailed downstairs to Sidney.
He was standing by the fireplace when I went in, and looked very
tired. When he heard me he turned his head and our eyes met.
All at once a terrible thing happened ... at least, I thought it a
terrible thing then. _I knew why I had wanted Sidney to realize that
I was no longer a child._ It was because I loved him! I knew it the
moment I saw that strange, new expression leap into his eyes.
"Cornelia," he said in a stunned sort of voice. "Why ... Nic ... why,
little girl ... you're a woman! How blind I've been! And now I've lost
my little chum."
"Oh, no, no," I said wildly. I was so miserable and confused I didn't
know what I said. "Never, Sidney. I'd rather be a little girl and have
you for a friend ... I'll always be a little girl! It's all this
hateful dress. I'll go and take it off ... I'll...."
And then I just put my hands up to my burning face and the tears that
would never come before came in a flood.
All at once I felt Sidney's arms about me and felt my head drawn to
his shoulder.
"Don't cry, dearest," I heard him say softly. "You can never be a
little girl to me again ... my eyes are opened ... but I didn't want
you to be. I want you to be my big girl ... mine, all mine, forever."
What happened after that isn't to be written in a diary. I won't even
write down the things he said about how I looked, because it would
seem so terribly vain, but I can't help thinking of them, for I am so
happy.