Produced by David Widger
THE GROCERY MAN AND PECK'S BAD BOY.
Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, No. 2
By George W. Peck
1883
[Illustration: Cover]
[Illustration: frontispiece]
[Illustration: titlepage]
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I.
VARIEGATED DOGS--THE BAD BOY SLEEPS ON THE ROOF--A MAN DOESN'T
KNOW EVERYTHING AT FORTY-EIGHT--THE OLD MAN WANTS SOME POLLYNURIOUS
WATER--THE DYER'S DOGS--PROCESSION OF THE DOGS--PINK, BLUE, GREEN AND
WHITE--“WELL, I'M DEM'd”--HIS PA DON'T APPRECIATE.
CHAPTER II.
HIS PA PLAYS JOKES--A MAN SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT A JOKE--THE MAGIC
BOUQUET--THE GROCERY MAN TAKES A TURN--HIS PA TRIES THE BOUQUET AT
CHURCH--ONE FOR THE OLD MAID--A FIGHT ENSUES--THE BAD BOY THREATENS THE
GROCERY man--A COMPROMISE.
CHAPTER III.
HIS PA STABBED--THE GROCERY MAN SETS A TRAP IN VAIN--A BOOM IN
LINIMENT--HIS PA GOES TO THE LANGTRY SHOW--THE BAD BOY TURNS
BURGLAR--THE OLD MAN STABBED--HIS ACCOUNT OF THE FRAY--A GOOD SINGLE
HANDED LIAR.
CHAPTER IV.
HIS PA BUSTED--THE CRAZE FOR MINING STOCK--WHAT'S A BILK?--THE PIOUS
BILK--THE OLD MAN INVESTS--THE DEACONS AND EVEN THE HIRED GIRLS
INVEST--HOT MAPLE SYRUP FOR ONE--GETTING A MAN'S MIND OFF HIS TROUBLES.
CHAPTER V.
HIS PA AND DYNAMITE--THE OLD MAN SELLING SILVER STOCK--FENIAN
SCARE--“DYNAMITE” IN MILWAUKEE--THE FENIAN BOOM--“GREAT GOD, MANNER!
WE ARE BLOWED UP!”--HIS MA HAS LOTS OF SAND--THE OLD MAN USELESS IN
TROUBLE--THE DOG AND THE FALSE TEETH
CHAPTER VI.
HIS PA AN ORANGEMAN--THE GROCERY MAN SHAMEFULLY ABUSED--HE GETS
HOT--BUTTER, OLEOMARGARINE AND AXLE GREASE--THE OLD MAN WEARS ORANGE
ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY--HE HAS TO RUN FOR HIS LIFE--THE BAD BOY AT SUNDAY
SCHOOL--INGERSOLL AND BEECHER VOTED OUT--MARY HAD A LAMB
CHAPTER VII.
HIS MA DECEIVES HIM--THE BAD BOY IN SEARCH OF SAFFRON--“WELL, IT'S A
GIRL, IF YOU MUST KNOW”--THE BAD BOY IS GRIEVED AT HIS MA'S DECEPTION--
“SH-H-H TOOTSY GO TO SLEEP”--“BY LOW, BABY”--THAT SETTLED IT WITH
THE CAT--A BABY! BAH! IT MAKES ME TIRED
CHAPTER VIII.
THE BABY AND THE GOAT. THE BAD BOY THINKS HIS SISTER WILL BE A FIRE
ENGINE--“OLD NUMBER TWO”--BABY REQUIRES GOAT MILK--? THE GOAT IS
FRISKY--TAKES TO EATING ROMAN CANDLES--THE OLD MAN, THE HIRED GIRL, AND
THE GOAT--THE BAD BOY BECOMES TELLER IN A LIVERY STABLE
CHAPTER IX.
A FUNERAL PROCESSION--THE BAD BOY ON CRUTCHES--“YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE
MINISTER”--AN ELEVEN DOLLAR FUNERAL--THE MINISTER TAKES THE LINES--AN
EARTHQUAKE--AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE WAS OVER--THE POLICEMAN FANS THE
MINISTER--A MINISTER SHOULD HAVE SENSE
CHAPTER X.
THE OLD MAN MAKES A SPEECH. THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BAD BOY HAVE
A FUSS--THE BOHEMIAN BAND--THE BAD BOY ORGANIZES A SERENADE--“BABY
MINE”--THE OLD MAN ELOQUENT--THE BOHEMIANS CREATE A FAMINE--THE Y. M. C.
A. ANNOUNCEMENT
CHAPTER XI.
GARDENING UNDER DIFFICULTIES--THE GROCERY MAN IS DECEIVED--THE BAD
BOY DON'T LIKE MOVING--GOES INTO THE COLORING BUSINESS--THE OLD MAN
THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED--UNCLE TOM AND TOPSY--THE OLD MAN ARRESTED--WHAT
THE GROCERY MAN THINKS--THE BAD BOY MORALIZES ON HIS FATE--RESOLVES TO
BE GOOD
CHAPTER XII.
THE OLD MAN SHOOTS THE MINISTER--THE BAD BOY TRIES TO LEAD A DIFFERENT
LIFE--MURDER IN THE AIR--THE OLD MAN AND HIS FRIENDS GIVE THEMSELVES
AWAY--DREADFUL STORIES OF THEIR WICKED YOUTH--THE CHICKEN COOP
INVADED--THE OLD MAN TO THE RESCUE--THE MINISTER AND THE DEACONS SALTED
CHAPTER XIII.
THE BAD BOY A THOROUGHBRED. THE BAD BOY WITH A BLACK EYE--A POOR
FRIENDLESS GIRL EXCITES HIS PITY--PROVES HIMSELF A GALLANT
KNIGHT--THE OLD MAN IS CHARMED AT HIS SON'S COURAGE--THE GROCERY MAN
MORALIZES--FIFTEEN CHRISTS IN MILWAUKEE--THE TABLES TURNED--THE OLD MAN
WEARS THE BOY'S OLD CLOTHES
CHAPTER XIV.
ENTERTAINING Y. M. C. A. DELEGATES--THE BAD BOY MINISTERS AT THE Y.
M. C. A. WATER FOUNTAIN--THE DELEGATES FLOOD THEMSELVES WITH SODA
WATER--TWO DELEGATES DEALT TO HIS MA--THE NIGHT KEY--THE FALL OF THE
FLOWER STAND--DELEGATES IN THE CELLAR ALL NIGHT--THE BAD BOY'S GIRL IS
WORKING HIS REFORMATION
CHAPTER XV.
HE TURNS SUPE. THE BAD BOY QUITS JERKING SODA--ENTERS THE DRAMATIC
PROFESSION--“WHAT'S A SUPER”--THE PRIVILEGES OF A SUPE'S FATHER--BEHIND
THE SCENES--THE BAD BOY HAS PLAYED WITH MC'CULLOUGH--“IWAS THE
POPULACE.”--PLAYS IT ON HIS SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--“I PRITHEE, AU
RESERVOIR, I GO HENS!”
CHAPTER XVI.
UNCLE EZRA PAYS A VISIT. UNCLE EZRA CAUSES THE BAD BOY TO
BACKSLIDE--UNCLE EZRA AND THE OLD MAN WERE BAD PILLS--THEIR RECORD IS
AWFUL--KEEPING UNCLE EZRA ON THE RAGGED EDGE--THE BED SLATS FIXED--THE
OLD MAN TANGLED UP--THIS WORLD IS NOT RUN RIGHT--UNCLE EZRA MAKES HIM
TIRED
CHAPTER XVII.
HE DISCUSSES THEOLOGY. MEDITATIONS ON NOAH'S ARK--THE GARDEN OF
EDEN--THE ANCIENT DUDE--ADAM WITH A PLUG HAT ON--“I'M A THINKER FROM
THINKERSVILLE”--THE APOSTLES IN A PATROL WAGON--ELIJAH AND ELISHA--THE
PRODIGAL SON--A VEAL POT PIE FOR DINNER
CHAPTER XVIII.
THE DEPARTED ROOSTER. THE GROCERY MAN DISCOURSES ON DEATH--THE DEAD
ROOSTER--A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH--THE TENDERNESS BETWEEN THE ROOSTER
AND HIS FAITHFUL HEN--THE HEN RETIRES TO SET--THE CHICKENS--THE PROUD
ROOSTER DIES--THE FICKLE HEN FLIRTING IN INDECENT HASTE
CHAPTER XIX.
ONE MORE JOKE ON THE OLD MAN--UNCLE EZRA RETURNS--THE BASKET ON THE
STEPS--THE ANONYMOUS LETTER--“O, BROTHER THAT I SHOULD LIVE TO SEE THIS
DAY!”--AN UGLY DUTCH BABY--THE OLD MAN WHEELS THE BABY NOW--A FROG IN
THE OLD MAN'S BED
CHAPTER XX.
FOURTH OF JULY MISADVENTURES. TROUBLE IN THE PISTOL POCKET--THE GROCERY
MAN'S CAT THE BAD BOY A MINISTERING ANGEL--ASLEEP ON THE FOURTH OF
JULY--GOES WITH HIS GIRL TO THE SOLDIER'S HOME--TERRIBLE. FOURTH OF JULY
MISADVENTURES--THE GIRL WHO WENT OUT COMES BACK A BURNT OFFERING
CHAPTER XXI.
WORKING ON SUNDAY. TURNING A GRINDSTONE IS HEALTHY--“NOT ANY GRINDSTONE
FOR HENNERY!”--THIS HYPOCRISY IS PLAYED OUT--ANOTHER JOB ON THE OLD
MAN--HOW THE DAYS OF THE WEEK GOT MIXED--THE NUMEROUS FUNERALS--THE
MINISTER APPEARS--THE BAD BOY GOES OVER THE BACK FENCE
CHAPTER XXII.
THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED. THE OLD MAN BEGINS DRINKING AGAIN--THINKS
BETTING IS HARMLESS--HAD TO WALK HOME FROM CHICAGO--THE SPECTACLES
CHANGED--A SMALL SUIT OF CLOTHES--THE OLD MAN AWFULLY BLOATED--“HENNERY,
YOUR PA IS A MIGHTY SICK MAN”--THE SWELLING SUDDENLY GOES DOWN
CHAPTER XXIII.
THE GROCERY MAN AND THE GHOST. GHOSTS DON'T STEAL WORMY FIGS--A GRAND
REHEARSAL--THE MINISTER MURDERS HAMLET--THE WATER MELON KNIFE--THE OLD
MAN WANTED TO REHEARSE THE DRUNKEN SCENE IN RIP VAN WINKLE--NO HUGGING
ALLOWED--HAMLET WOULDN'T HAVE TWO GHOSTS--“HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE AN
IDIOT?”
CHAPTER XXIV.
THE CRUEL WOMAN AND THE LUCKLESS DOG--THE BAD BOY WITH A DOG AND A BLACK
EYE--WHERE DID YOU STEAL HIM?--ANGELS DON'T BREAK DOGS' LEGS--A WOMAN
WHO BREAKS DOGS' LEGS HAS NO SHOW WITH ST. PETER--ANOTHER BURGLAR
SCARE--THE GROCERY DELIVERY MAN SCARED
CHAPTER XXV.
THE BAD BOY GROWS THOUGHTFUL--WHY IS LETTUCE LIKE A GIRL?--KING SOLOMON
A FOOL--THINK OF ANY SANE MAN HAVING A THOUSAND WIVES--HE WOULD HAVE
TO HAVE TWO HOTELS DURING VACATION--300 BLONDES--600 BRUNETTES, ETC.--A
THOUSAND WIVES TAKING ICE CREAM--“I DON'T ENVY SOLOMON HIS THOUSAND”
CHAPTER XXVI.
FARM EXPERIENCES. THE BAD BOY WORKS ON A FARM FOR A DEACON--HE KNOWS
WHEN HE HAS GOT ENOUGH--HOW THE DEACON MADE HIM FLAX AROUND--AND HOW HE
MADE IT WARM FOR THE DEACON
CHAPTER XXVII.
DRINKING CIDER IN THE CELLAR--THE DEACON WILL NOT ACCEPT HENNERY'S
RESIGNATION--HE WANTS BUTTER ON HIS PANCAKES--HIS CHUM JOINS HIM--THE
SKUNK IN THE CELLAR--THE POOR BOY GETS THE “AGER.”
CHAPTER I.
VARIEGATED DOGS--THE BAD BOY SLEEPS ON THE KOOP--A MAN
DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING AT FORTY-EIGHT--THE OLD MAN WANTS
SOME POLLYNURIOUS WATER--THE DYER'S DOGS--PROCESSION OP THE
DOGS--PINK, BLUE, GREEN AND WHITE--“WELL I'M DEM'D--HIS PA
DON'T APPRECIATE.
“How do you and your Pa get along now,” asked the grocery-man of the bad
boy, as he leaned against the counter instead of sitting down on a stool
while he bought a bottle of liniment.
“O, I don't know. He don't seem to appreciate me. What he ought to have
is a deaf and dumb boy, with only one leg, and both arms broke--then he
could enjoy a quiet life. But I am too gay for Pa, and you needn't be
surprised if you never see me again. I talk of going off with a circus.
Since I played the variegated dogs on Pa, there seems to have been a
coldness in the family, and I sleep on the roof.
“Variegated dogs,” said the store keeper, “what kind of a game is that?
You have not played another Daisy trick on your Pa, have you?”
“Oh, no, it was nothing of that kind. You know Pa thinks he is smart. He
thinks because he is forty-eight years old he knows it all; but it
don't seem to me as though a man of his age, that had sense, would let
a tailor palm off on him a pair of pants so tight that he would have to
use a button-hook to button them; but they can catch him on everything,
just as though he was a kid smoking cigarettes. Well, you know Pa drinks
some. That night the new club opened he came home pretty fruitful, and
next morning his head ached so he said he would buy me a dog if I would
go down town and get a bottle of pollynurious water for him. You know
that dye house on Grand avenue, where they have got the four white spitz
dogs. When I went after the penurious water, I noticed they had been
coloring their dogs with the dye stuff, and I put up a job with the dye
man's little boy to help me play it on Pa. They had one dog dyed pink,
another blue, another red, and another green, and I told the boy I would
treat him to ice cream if he would let one out at a time, when I came
down with Pa, and call him in and let another out, and when we started
to go away, to let them all out. What I wanted to do was to paralyze Pa,
and make him think he had got 'em, got dogs the worst way. So, about ten
o'clock when his head got cleared off, and his stomach got settled, he
changed ends with his cuffs, and we came down town, and I told him I
knew where he could get a splendid white spitz dog for me, for five
dollars; and if he would get it, I would never do anything disrespectful
again, and would just sit up nights to please him, and help him up
stairs and get seltzer for him. So we went by the dye house, and just as
I told him I didn't want anything but a white dog, the door opened, and
the pink dog came out and barked at us, and I said 'that's him' and the
boy called him back. Pa looked as though he had the colic, and his eyes
stuck out, and he said 'Hennery, that is a pink dog?' and I said 'no, it
is a white dog, Pa,' and just then the green dog came out, and I asked
Pa if it wasn't a pretty white dog, and and he turned pale and said
'hell, boy, that is a green dog--what's got into the dogs?' I told him
he must be color blind, and was feeling in my pocket for a strap to tie
the dog, and telling him he must be careful of his health or he would
see something worse than green dogs, when the green dog went in, and the
blue dog came rushing out and barked at Pa. Well, Pa leaned against a
tree box, and his eyes stuck out like stops on an organ, and the sweat
was all over his face in drops as big as kernels of hominy.
“I think a boy ought to do everything he can to make it pleasant for his
Pa, don't _you_. And yet some parents don't realize what a comfort a boy
is. The blue dog was called in, and just as Pa wiped the perspiration
off his forehead, and rubbed his eyes and put on his specks, the red
maroon dog came out. Pa acted as if he was tired, and sat down on a
horse block. Dogs _do_ make some people tired, don't they? He took hold
of my hand, and his hand trembled just as though he was putting a gun
wad in the collection plate at church, and he said, 'My son, tell me
truly, is that a red dog?'”
[Illustration: Well I'm dem'd 014]
“A fellow has got to lie a little if he is going to have any fun with
his Pa, and I told him it was a white dog, and I could get it for five
dol-dars. He straightened up just as the dog went into the house, and
said 'Well, I'm dem'd;' and just then the boy let all the dogs out and
sicked them on a cat, which ran up a shade tree right near Pa, and they
rushed all around us--the blue dog going between his legs, and the green
dog trying to climb the tree, and the pink dog barking, and the red dog
standing on his hind feet.
“Pa was weak as a cat, and told me to go right home with him, and he
would buy me a bicycle. He asked me how many dogs there were, and what
was the color of them. I s'pose I did awful wrong, but I told him there
was only one dog, and a cat, and the dog was white.
“Well, sir, Pa acted just as he did the night Hancock was beat, and he
had to have the doctor to give him something to quiet him (the time he
wanted me to go right down town and buy a hundred rat traps, but the
doctor said never mind, I needn't go). I took him home and Ma soaked
his feet, and give him some ginger tea, and while I was gone after the
doctor he asked Ma if she ever saw a green dog.
“That was what made all the trouble. If Ma had kept her mouth shut I
would have been all right, but she up and told him that they had a green
dog, and a blue dog, and all colors of spitz dogs down at the dyers.
They dyed them just for an advertisement, and for him to be quiet and he
would feel better when he got over it. Pa was all right when I got back
and told him the doctor had gone to Wauwatosa, and I had left an order
on his slate. Pa said he would leave an order on my slate. He took a
harness tug and used it for breeching on me. I don't think a boy's Pa
ought to wear a harness on his son, do you? He said he would learn me to
play rainbow dogs on him. He said I was a liar, and he expected to see
me wind up in Congress. Say, is Congress anything like Waupun or Sing
Sing? No, I can't stay, thank you, I must go down to the office and tell
Pa I have reformed, and freeze him out of a circus ticket. He is a a
good enough man, only he don't appreciate a a boy that has got all
the modern improvements. Pa and Ma are going to enter me in the Sunday
school. I guess I'll take first money, don't you?”
And the bad boy went out with a visible limp, and a look of genius
cramped for want of opportunity.