His face softened; he put his hand again over mine. “I cannot blame
you—only myself. It is the way you were brought up. But I want you to
change, Will. I want you to see yourself and me as we are—I want you
to love me. We will work together, you and I—work to find some of the
good things in life—the real things. I know we’ll find them if we
try—if we really pull together.”
Three weeks later he was dead.
This talk with my father, and one or two others we had subsequently,
made a great impression on me. When he died of pneumonia, after an
illness of only a few days, leaving me utterly alone in the world, I
resolved to take his advice, for my own good, and act differently. The
business he left me was indeed in a precarious condition. He had drawn
from it heavily during the last ten years to meet my mother’s
demands—and more lately, mine—and handicapped thus by a depleted
capital it was going down-hill rapidly.
I realized then that life was not worth living unless one were
rich—really rich—for money held everything desirable. My father was
right—the social prestige my mother had maintained was a sham. Without
the solidity of real wealth it could never be anything but a bubble
that might burst at any moment. I resolved then to settle down; to
work untiringly at this business that had been left me.
I found, when my father’s affairs had been settled up, a truly
astounding number of debts. It has never been my way to do things by
halves; I sold the Arch Street house, settled the debts, and moved the
business and myself to New York for a fresh start.
The two years that followed I devoted exclusively to work and saw
myself in a fair way, ultimately, to succeed in my ambition. I lived
for business during these two years—I did nothing else—I thought of
nothing else. The pleasures of life that I had given up I did not
begrudge. They were only postponed. This was my big chance—my only
chance for wealth and happiness through life—and I was unwilling to do
even the smallest thing to jeopardize it.
Then I met Ruth Wilson, and six months later we were married. She was
five years younger than I—a girl with beauty, of a family nearly the
equal of the Durrants, and with all the social graces—in a word, a
girl of whom any man might be proud.
I knew she would make me a good wife; it was a safe, satisfactory step
for me to take. I was glad of this, for I was now as cautious of the
things I did as formerly I had been careless.
We took an apartment on Riverside Drive, and were very happy. We had
no children. I do not like children; I cannot stand their crying. And
besides they are difficult and expensive to bring up properly—father’s
arraignment of me in my younger days showed me that—and it was obvious
that no girl of the grace and beauty of Ruth should be so handicapped.
That she disagreed with me did not alter my opinion, for I realized
that she was hardly more than a child and could not understand things
as I did.
Our life during these first years of marriage was very satisfactory. I
worked all day at the office, and two or three nights a week played in
a game of cards which we held regularly at the club. I did not
introduce these men to Ruth—they were not her kind—she would not have
understood them. Indeed I should not have played in the game at all,
except that I found the mental relaxation stimulating and helpful to
me, for I was at this time working very hard. My luck, too, seemed to
have changed permanently for the better. Whereas in Philadelphia I had
frequently lost, I now won steadily—sums sufficiently large to justify
in themselves, the amount of time I gave to the pursuit.
Once or twice a week Ruth and I would go to the theater—to musical
shows generally, for I liked them best—and occasionally we would play
cards with friends. This latter diversion interested me not at all. I
was having enough of card playing outside, and the people to whom Ruth
introduced me were particularly uninteresting. I had no time then for
their chatter about art or music, or the books or plays or operas they
seemed determined to discuss. The whole thing bored me immensely, and
probably, because I do not believe in hypocrisy, I did not hesitate to
let them see how I felt.
We did not leave New York for the summer months, except twice we spent
a week or two at one of the big Atlantic City hotels. My business
would have permitted me to leave for longer periods, but I did not
feel that we should spend so much money.
One summer Ruth thoughtlessly suggested that we get away into the
Maine woods and ramble, or to take a canoe trip somewhere. I explained
to her how foolish that was—how she particularly, a girl of breeding,
used to luxury, would not care for that in the way we could afford to
do it. Camping was all right, if it were done properly. We Durrants
once had a big camp in the Adirondacks—my grandfather had established
it. There, with the proper staff of servants and with guests of the
right kind one might rough it comfortably. But my father had given up
that camp, and such things were, as yet, quite beyond my means.
I pointed out all this to Ruth, showing her plainly how illogical she
was. And so we stayed in town.
These years, as I have said, were working out very satisfactorily to
Ruth and me. I was getting my business on its feet and the time when
we could enjoy some of the real luxuries of life did not now seem so
very far distant. That Ruth should be so impatient at the delay had
never occurred to me until one day, when we had been married about
three years, she spoke of it.
“Are you going to keep on indefinitely this way, Will?” she asked
quietly.
This was apropos of the fact that she wanted me to take her that
evening to the opera. I disliked opera intensely—it seems to me an
extremely morbid—not to say boring—form of amusement. And besides this
was one of the nights our card game was on. I could not explain that
to Ruth—she would not have realized how much more important to our
ultimate good my evening’s winnings would be than a mere evening at
the opera—which in itself was expensive.
“I’m going to the club,” I answered.
“Then I shall call up Gerald Rolf and ask him to take me,” she said.
She still spoke quietly. That was one of Ruth’s peculiarities, I was
soon to discover; she concealed her feelings beneath a quiet,
dignified reserve. I would rather a woman came right out plainly with
what was in her mind. Then you can meet her with logic.
“That’s agreeable to me,” I rejoined, and went to the club.
I have not mentioned Gerald Rolf. He was a good-natured sort of boy—at
least I considered him so at that time—a year or so older than Ruth.
He was an artist, painted weird-looking landscapes, and to make his
living, did magazine illustrating. When Ruth first introduced him to
me I thought he was a nice enough boy, except that his interminable
piano-playing was a nuisance.
I was soon undeceived about Gerald Rolf, soon made to realize how
uncertain is happiness and how even the most innocent circumstances
may become a menace to a married man so easy-going, so tolerant as I.
Ruth seemed to like Rolf immensely, although why I could not imagine.
I had one or two long talks with him. He knew nothing about
business—indeed even the simplest things seemed quite beyond his
mental capacity.
I tried to get him to discuss poker—he said he played it a little. But
the mathematical laws of chance that govern the game he did not grasp
at all.
“I’m afraid you’ve got me out of my depth, Durrant,” he said, and
laughed.
Then he wanted me to play a game of chess, which I cannot conceive any
rational-minded person being interested in.
Gerald Rolf came to our home frequently after that, often on the
evenings I was out. I should have objected to this; but I did not. I
admit this fault freely. I saw their intimacy growing, but I was so
trustful, so confident of Ruth, I did nothing to prevent it.
He was teaching her chess, he said. And she sang a little to his piano
accompaniment, weird sort of songs—nothing bright or lively of the
kind I liked. And they went to the opera together sometimes—“in the
gallery,” as he laughingly told me, for like all artists he had no
money. Then later, they took to horseback riding. But this was
expensive, and they rode infrequently.
I saw all this going on, as I have said, and I did nothing to prevent
it. I suppose because Ruth, curiously enough, seemed to enjoy such
things, and her happiness was always uppermost in my mind. It was for
the attainment of that I was working so hard—to be able, some day, to
give her the things that really would make her happy.
Then, when this had been going on nearly a year, came the climax; and
I learned, with a shock that was all the greater because of its
suddenness, how unjust fate may be to a man who unreservedly trusts
one he loves and who always tries to do the best he can in every way.
The morning of the particular day I have to tell of, I remember, I
went to the office feeling miserably ill. I had taken a sudden chill
the night before, and rose with a slight fever and the start of the
grip or something of the kind.
About four o’clock in the afternoon I felt so badly, I left the office
and went home. Ruth was out and I went into the library, planning to
sleep for an hour or two before dinner. I sat down in a large
easy-chair in a darkened corner of the room, partly sheltered from the
window-light by a screen which stood near by. I was feeling really
very miserable and soon fell into a troubled slumber.
I was awakened by the sound of voices and realized that my wife and
Gerald Rolf were in the room. Evidently they had not seen me. They
were sitting over by the windows and Ruth was serving him tea; I could
just see them from my chair, around the corner of the screen.
The first words that I heard, as soon as I was fully awake,
electrified me. And yet I remained silent, did not make my presence
known then. I do not know why, for I am not one who believes in
eaves-dropping.
It was Rolf’s voice.
“We must face it,” he said. “There is no avoiding it now.”
Ruth did not answer at once. I saw her face was very pale, and her
hand trembled as she poured him a cup of tea.
“You should not have told me you loved me, too,” he went on. “That
would have made it easier. You should have rebuked me—sent me away.”
Another silence.
“I’m going anyhow,” he added.
“Gerald!” She put her hand on his arm.
“There’s no other way, is there?” He met her eyes steadily. “I love
you too much to do anything else but go away. You can understand that,
can’t you? After to-day—after what we’ve confessed to each other.”
I held myself back with an effort. My brain was whirling. That this
impudent boy should dare talk to Ruth—to my wife—like this!
There was another silence. Then I saw Ruth slide her hand down his
forearm until her fingers touched his.
“Have you thought it all over carefully Gerald? Are you sure, quite
sure, that for you to go away—alone—is the best thing—the right
thing?”
She spoke quietly. Even now she seemed to maintain that reserve I
disliked in her so intensely.
“Yes,” he said; his voice sounded very tired. “It’s the only thing to
do now—with honor.”
Honor! He could prate of honor, when by their very words, their
thoughts, they were dragging _my_ honor in the mire!
“I’m not sure.” She spoke softly—so softly I could hardly hear the
words. “I’m not sure, Gerald. I’ve thought about this, too. I’ve seen
it coming—oh yes, I have—for a very long time. I’ve known what was in
your heart—and in mine.
“For you to go away—never to see me again—that may be the best
thing—the right thing for you. It will hurt you, of
course—terribly—for a while. And then, inevitably you—you will find
some one else—some other woman who will make you happy.” Her voice
trembled a little but she still spoke evenly.
“That is what the future holds for you, Gerald. Are you sure you are
not thinking only of yourself when you say we must never see each
other again? What about me?”
“You! Why, Ruth—”
“What does the future hold for me? You haven’t thought of that, have
you, Gerald? Not another love like ours—that is open to you—but not to
me.
“You have known me now two years. You know Will—the sort of man he
is—” I took a new grip on myself at this mention of my name; I would
hear them out.
“You know Will,” she repeated; a new note of passion came into her
voice. “You know how empty, how utterly devoid of everything that
makes a life worth living mine was until you came into it. All that is
in the past. But the future—have you thought what you are condemning
me to in the future? Have you thought of that, Gerald?”
He avoided her eyes. “I love you,” he said. “There will be no other
love for me. I _have_ thought it all over—I have faced it—and I
cannot—will not—take our happiness in dishonor.”
She leaned over the tea-tray and put both her hands on his shoulders,
forcing him to look at her.
“I love you, Gerald,” she said. “Look at me. I love you with all the
love I once thought I felt for him—the love he did not—could
not—understand. Do you realize what you have brought me with your
love? How you have filled that emptiness that was killing me? How you
have—have made my dreams—all those vague little ideals that fill every
girl’s heart—do you realize how you have made them all come true?
“You have won my love, Gerald. Are you going to cast it away—and leave
me nothing—because you say that to take it would be dishonorable?”
Dishonorable! They could talk thus of dishonor! They did not think of
_my_ honor—the honor of William Durrant—that they were dragging about
in the slime of their words. I felt a sudden impulse to leap to my
feet and confront them; but I held myself firm.
“We must think of him, too,” he said. “We cannot build our happiness
upon the wreck of his life. We cannot do that, Ruth—we would lose out
in the end.”
She dropped her hands from his shoulders.
“His life wrecked?” She laughed bitterly. “You do not understand him,
Gerald. Do you think losing me would wreck his life? It would not be
loss of me, but the loss of his wife that would hurt. His wife—his
honor—the honor of William Durrant—that would be attacked. You do not
understand him if you think that.”
Again she put her hands on his shoulders.
“I’m fighting, Gerald,” she went on softly. “Fighting for the only
thing worth while that life holds for me. Are you going to let me go
down beaten—a woman who has lost the only good things—real things—a
woman ever can hope for. The love of a real man. And—and children. To
have children—oh, Gerald, you don’t understand—you don’t understand!”
Her voice broke suddenly and she ended with a sob. I saw his arms go
around her. I pushed my chair back violently and sprang to my feet.
How it must have surprised them to be so abruptly confronted by me,
the one person in the world they had injured, I can imagine. They both
started guiltily at my sudden appearance. Gerald Rolf rose to his
feet; Ruth sat quiet with her eyes fixed upon my face.
I strode across the room. I made up my mind then that there would be
no heroics—no melodrama. The Durrants did not have to descend to that
to protect their honor.
“I have heard all you said,” I began sternly; I looked at each of them
in turn. “I could not help it—sitting there.”
They met my eyes brazenly. There was a moment of silence; I wondered
which of them would dare address me. Then Gerald Rolf spoke.
“What you have heard, Mr. Durrant, is all true—every word of it.
Perhaps it is better that you did hear—for now you can see things as
they really are.” He spoke quite quietly, evidently suppressing with
an effort his agitation and fear of the consequences of his folly.
“Yes, I think now I understand you as you really are—you two. Since
that is so—what do you think you’re going to do about it?” I permitted
myself a veiled sneer with this question.
“You heard me say what I was going to do,” Gerald Rolf answered.
Ruth gave a low exclamation and I turned on her sternly.
“Be quiet,” I said. “We will settle this.” I faced Gerald Rolf again.
“Your decision is very wise,” I said sarcastically. “It is fortunate
that—”
“I said I was going away,” he broke in. “Neither of you will ever
again see or hear of me.”
Again I heard Ruth give a low exclamation.
“I’m leaving her happiness with you.”
I took a menacing step toward him as he said this. He faced me with an
assumption of bravery.
“I’m leaving her to you,” he went on, “What has happened has
been—unfortunate—” His voice faltered, but he drew his lips tightly
together and continued.
“Perhaps it has been for the best—perhaps the future may hold more
happiness for you both than the past gave you.”