THE Sergeant-Major was speaking.
"Company--'SHUN!"
We 'shunned. We stood motionless (all but one of us) waiting for his
next words. Then he spoke again.
"Blank blanket," he yelled, "what the blank are you doing?" He was
looking at me, and my heart was in my mouth. "Blanket," he went on, "if
you want to scratch your nose, step out here and scratch it. My blank!"
My heart dropped back again. He must be talking to James behind me. I
longed to look round and watch the generous waves of colour stealing
over James's classic features, to fix with a reproachful eye that Roman
proboscis which he had been grooming; but duty, or natural integrity of
character, or fear of the Sergeant-Major, or something, held me fast.
"Company--dis-MISS!"
We turned to the right and I took James affectionately by the arm.
"How's the neb?" I said.
And then James told me what he thought of the Sergeant-Major.
"Pretty good rot," he said, "talking like that to a man in my position.
Cursing a married man with a family as if he were a rotten schoolboy. If
I met him in ordinary life he'd say 'Sir' to me--probably ask me for a
job, and go about in a holy fear that I was going to sack him."
"Discipline, James," I said. "Think how good it is for you to be ordered
about for a change. And think how jolly it must be for the
Sergeant-Major to swear at well-known public men. Don't grudge him his
little bit of pleasure. And finally, think how stimulating it is for the
rest of us. I assure you, James, there's nothing more bracing to a man
than to hear another man being cursed."
James muttered to himself. We lit our pipes and sat down among some
other members of our platoon. James was silent, but we others talked
eagerly about the difference between "Right form" and "On the right form
company," and other matters which had suddenly become of great
importance.
"Let's go and have a little private drill," said one of the keen ones.
"It'll only turn into a rag," I said.
"But of course we shall have to agree to take it seriously and obey
orders. Who'll come?"
About ten of us offered ourselves. I looked at James; to my surprise he
jumped up quickly. We went off to a corner of the field, and lined up
two deep.
"And now who'll drill us?" said James.
We all hung back nervously. To obey an order as one of ten is so much
easier than to give an order as one of one.
"I will, if you like," said James doubtfully, "but I'm not sure if----"
"Go on," we all said; "have a try."
James stepped out of the ranks and faced us.
"Cover off, there," he said briskly. "Squad--_'shun_!" We were five
files, and I was No. 3 in the front rank. "Stand at--_ease_ ... Number
Three, what the blank are you smoking for? Number Three--the stout one
in the front rank. Put that pipe away, Private Haldane. Blanket, Sir,
this isn't a Cabinet meeting; you're drilling."
"Steady, James, old man," I said.
"Silence in the ranks! Two days cells for Private Haldane--both of them
week-days. 'Shun! Number!... Form _fours_!"
We formed fours. Of course it is absurdly easy, even with an odd number
of files, but it is also absurdly easy to forget.
"As you were!" shouted James. "The last file is always an even number.
Surely you ought to know that by this time, Private Kitchener. The
fourth file--Private Asquith and Private Tree, chest out, Private
Tree--the fourth file stands fast. 'Form _fours_! Right _turn_! Form two
_deep_! 'Bout _turn_! Form _fours_! I thought so; Private Tree is wrong
again. _Silence_, Private Haldane! Private Haldane will be shot at dawn
to-morrow. Private Tree will be shot at dawn on the day after, this
giving him time to prepare his farewell speech. Right _turn_! Where
_are_ you, Private Carson? Try and remember that you're not reviewing
troops just now; you're attempting to decide as quickly as possible
which is your right hand and which is your left. You'll find it a much
harder job. The Army Corps will advance. By the right, quick _march_!
Step out, Private Tich, my lad, step out."
James was now thoroughly enjoying himself.
"Left _incline_! Theirs not to reason why, Private Kipling; if I had
meant 'right incline, and stop at the canteen,' I should have said
so.... Tut-tut, Private Tree, 'left incline' doesn't mean 'advance like
a crab'.... Right _incline_! And now where are you, Private Masterman?
Left behind _again_. Halt! Dress up by the right. Blanket, Private
Haldane, you're _still_ talking. Private Haldane will be blown from the
guns at dusk. As you were. It's no good taking half measures with
Private Haldane; kindness is wasted on him. Private Haldane will be
stopped jam for tea this afternoon."
And then a smile came over James's face. He repressed it, drew himself
up, and surveyed us sternly.
"Squad, _'shun_! Scratch--_noses_!"
* * *
"Thank you, I feel much better," said James.