They only brought out about half a gang that summer, an' they kept them
probin' around all over the neighborhood; but though they found enough
stuff to about pay expenses, they couldn't get back on the main track.
Both the Eastern capitalists showed up along toward fall to see what
was doin', an' when it came time to knock off work, they tried to get
me to repeat my little performance as watchman.
I thanked 'em for their trustfulness, but I politely declined the
honor. I told 'em 'at I was purty tol'able quick-witted, an' it didn't
take me four months to study out what I was goin' to say next. But I
compromised by sayin' that if they would give me two other fellers for
company I'd stay; otherwise they'd have to rustle up some poor devil
'at needed the money. They knew 'at I was reliable, so they agreed; an'
I selected out my two companions in affliction. What I mostly wanted
was a heap of variety, an' when the number is limited to two, a feller
has to be some choicy; but I reckon I got the best the' was.
There'd been a little light-haired feller there all season, kind o'
gettin' familiar with labor, like. He was no account to work, he
couldn't even learn to tie a knot; but he talked kin' o' blotchy, an'
it was divertin' to listen to him. One day we was kiddin' him about
bein' so thumby, an' he sez, "That's right, boys, laugh while you can;
but I'll have you all between the covers of a book some day, an' then
it will be my grin. I ain't swore no everlastin' felicity to the holy
cause o' labor; I'm just gettin' local color now."
Next day he fell into a barrel of red paint he was swobbin' on the
hotel to keep her from warpin', an' every blessed man in camp passed
out about six jokes apiece relatin' to local color. He never saddened
up none, though, just smiled sorrowful, as though he pitied us, an'
went on tanglin' up everything he touched.
An' then there was another curious speciment there; a tall thin feller,
with one o' them lean, chinny faces. He claimed 'at he had been a show
actor, but his lungs had given out--claimed he was a tragudian, but
Great Scott! he couldn't even turn a handspring.
He said he was recuperatin', an' he sure did hit his liquor purty hard;
but I never could make out what he expected to get out of a minin'
camp, 'cause he was full as useless as Local Color. About half the
fellers you meet strayin' around out here are a bit one-sided, but we
don't care so long as they're peaceable. When you'd guy this one a
little stout, he'd fold his arms, throw back his head, an' say, "Laugh,
varlets, laugh! Like the cracklin' o' thorns under a pot, is the
laughter of fools." This was the brand of langwidge 'at flowed from
this one, an' he wasn't no ways stingy with it.
Well, they had kept these two at boys' jobs an' boys' wages, an' when I
offered 'em the position of deputy watchmen, they fair jumped at it.
Said Local Color, "It will be a golden opportunity to perpetuate the
seething thoughts which crowd upon my brain." Said Hamlet, "I thank
thee, sir, for this, thy proposition fair. In sooth I'll try the
cold-air cure, and in the majesty of prime-evil silence, I shall make
the snow-capped mountains echo to the wonderful rhapsodies of
Shakespeare." Well, the' was a super-abundance of cold air an'
prime-evil silence an' snow-capped mountains, an' I didn't care a hang
what he did to 'em, so long as it kept me from gettin' everlastin' sick
o' my own company.
I never see any company yet 'at wasn't a shade better'n just my own. I
knew I could stand these two innocents for four months, an' if they got
violent I could rope an' tie 'em. When everybody begun to get ready to
pull out, I took the twenty-mule team down to town to get our needin's.
I took the children along with me, an' I sez to 'em, "Now, boys, no
drinkin' goes up above through the winter. We simply have to go out an'
get disgusted with it before we start back."
Well, we sure had a work-out. On the sixth day Hamlet, he throws his
arm around my neck an' busts out cryin' an' sez, "Happy, it is the
inflexible destiny o' the human race to weary of all things mortal, an'
I'm dog-tired o' bein' drunk--an' 'sides, I'm busted."
It turned out that he didn't have any advantage over me an' Locals in
this respect, so we went to the company store an' got three bushels o'
nickle libraries, enough grub to do six men six months, enough tobacco
to do twelve men a car, an' a little yeller pup 'at we give six bits
for. I didn't 'low to run any risks this deal.
When we got back 'most everybody had pulled out, an' the roads was
beginnin' to choke up. Slocum an' the two capitalists was there waitin'
for us, but when all their stuff was loaded on the wagon the' wasn't
room for the men; so Miller, the youngest capitalist, who was a bit of
a highroller, an' had been shakin' up the coast off an' on, he took off
four trunks, an' sez to me, "Happy, if you run out of clothes, here's
four trunks-full." Then they hopped on the wagon an' left us alone in
our glory.
I reckon, take it all in all, that was about the most florid winter I
ever put in, an' it purt' nigh spoilt me for hard work. I did the
cookin', the innocents did the chores, an' we got along as bully as a
fat bear for a while, livin' in the hotel. The' was a hundred rooms,
but we didn't use 'em all. Locals, he wrote most of the time, when he
wasn't lookin' at the ceiling an' tryin' to think. Hammy, he walked
barefoot in the snow, on' hollered at the snow-capped mountains. I read
nickle libraries, an' we didn't care a dang for the Czar of Russia,
until along toward Christmas a spark lit in my pile of litachure, an'
doggone near burned the hotel down. Then we began to feel snowed-in.
Locals had writ himself dry, Hammy was tired of listenin' to himself,
besides havin' chilblains up to his knees, an' I was half crazy, 'count
of havin' nothing to read. We didn't have a nickle between us, so we
couldn't gamble, an' I resigned my mind that when spring climbed up the
trail the 'd be two corpses an' one maniac in that cussed hotel.
One day Hammy came stalkin' in to where me an' Locals was playin'
guess. Guess ain't never apt to be a popular pastime 'cause it has to
be played without any kind o' cheatin' whatever. The one who is it,
guesses what the other one is thinkin' of, an' if he guesses before he
falls asleep, he wins. Well, Hammy, he breaks in on our game just the
same as if we hadn't been doin' anything at all, an' I knew by his
action that the' was somethin' afoot. Whenever Hammy was ready to speak
something, he always walked like a hoss 'at was string-haltered in all
four legs. Well, he paraded up to us that day, hip action, knee action,
and instep action all workin', stopped in front of us, folded his arms,
an' sez, "Good sirs, I have conceived a fitting fete."
"The only fate I expect is to go mad an' cut my own throat," sez
Locals; but Hammy frowned an' went on in a scoldy, indignant voice.
"When Wisdom speaks, Folly replies with jest; yet, having little choice
of company, I needs must make the best of what I have."
Well, those two had what they called a war of wits until finally Locals
hit Hammy with a chair, which was the way most o' their discussions
ended; but it turned out that what Hammy was tryin' to say was that we
should open the trunks, dress ourselves in the clothes, an' give a
show. He said he knew parts to fit any make-ups we'd find; an' after
Locals found out what it was 'at Hammy had schemed out, he joined in
enthusiastic, an' said that if the' had never been a part writ to fit
'em yet, he could do it on the spot, an' he wasn't swamped with
business right then anyway. "Yes," I sez, "it's a great idee, an' we'll
sure draw a mammoth crowd. We'll charge 'em a library apiece an' get
enough litachure to last us a hundred years."
"At best, sarcasm is out of season; at worst, the season 's out of it,"
sez Hammy to me: "and furthermore, good friend, in life, as on the
stage, your part must be a role of actions, not of words." I used to
say over the things 'at this pair made up, until I had 'em by heart,
an' since then I've had a lot o' fun springin' 'em on strangers. They
used to speak to me as though I was a horse, and of me as though I was
part of the furniture. Hammy sez to me one day, "Me good man, you do
very well with your hands, but kindly Nature designed your head merely
for a hatrack."
They could say these little things right off the roll, an' it allus
made me feel like a fish out o' water, somehow, but I stored 'em up in
my memory, an' I've got my worth out of 'em all right.
We did open the trunks a week or so after this--and clothes! Well, say,
Miller sure was the dresser. The' was fifteen hats in a little trunk
built a-purpose for 'em, an' the' was all kinds of vests an' pants an'
neckties 'at a feller could imagine. But best of all was a book 'at we
found at the bottom of one o' the trunks. It was a hard-shelled book,
an' I never took much stock in that kind. When it's my turn to read a
book, a little old paper-back fits me out all right. I've been fooled
on them hard-shells too often; but this here one was a hummer.
I ain't no tenderfoot when it comes to a book, but this one was sure
the corkin'est I ever met up with. I had allus thought 'at "Seventeen
Buckets o' Blood; or the Mormon Widder's Revenge" was about the extreme
limit in books, but this here one lays over even that. It was called
"Monte Cristo," an' had the darndest set o' Dago names in it ever a
mortal human bein' laid eyes on. I tried to mine it out by myself at
first, but pshaw, every cuss in the book had a name like an Injun town,
an' the' was about as many characters in the book as the' is on the
earth; so I delegated Hammy to read her out loud. This suited Hammy to
the limit, an' he didn't only read her--he acted her. He'd roar an'
screech an' whisper an' glare into your eyes so blame natural that a
feller never used the back of his chair from start to finish, an' twice
I was on the point of shootin' him, thinkin' it was real.
If you ain't never read the book it'll pay you to fling up your job an'
wrastle through it. It starts out with a nice, decent young feller
sailin' home to marry his steady, but all his friends turn in an' stack
the cards on him, an' get him chucked into the rottenest dungeon in
France. He knowed how they soak it to a feller citizen in that country,
an' at first he was all for killin' himself; but after he'd studied it
over ten or twelve years, he suddenly heard a queer scratchin' noise.
In that same prison was another prisoner, an Abbey. An Abbey is a kind
of foreman priest. Well, this Abbey wasn't one to throw out a prayer
an' then set down to wait for results, not him. He was one o' these
nervous, fretty fellers what like to do their own drivin', an' he makes
him a set o' minin' tools out of a tin saucepan an' a bed-castor, an'
runs a level from his own cell into Eddie's--an' that was the queer,
scratchin' sound that made Eddie decide not to kill himself.
By George, if I could find a prison what had an Abbey shut up in it,
the' wouldn't be any way in the world to keep me out. This Abbey, he
cottoned to Eddie right from the start, an' durin' the next few years
they mine around in the prison till she's as holey as a Switzer cheeze;
an' durin' their leisure he edicates Eddie till he knows more'n a
college professor.
Then the Abbey begins to have fits, an' when all the medicine 'at he
could make out of old soot an' sulphur matches an' such stuff is gone,
he gives up an' tells Eddie where he has a little holler island, chuck
full o' diamonds an' money an' such like plunder. Then he dies, an'
Eddie gets in the sack. They chain a round shot to Eddie's feet an'
hurl him off a cliff into the angry sea, an' when it comes to that part
you can't hardly breathe; but Eddie kicks off the chain, rips open the
sack, an' when he strikes the water he's a free man.
He swims along for a couple of days until he overtakes a smuggler, an'
he climbs on board an' shows 'ern how to run their business accordin'
to Hoyle. He only stays with 'em long enough to learn all their
secrets, an' then he gives 'em the slip an' goes to his little holler
island. He pulls off the top, an' it's all so, what the Abbey told him.
Then he lifts up his hand an' he sez, sez he, "I'll be avenged!" And he
sure done it.
He didn't believe in none o' your cheap little killin's. He gives 'em
all the range they wanted while he was fixin' up the cards; but when he
was ready to call their hands, the' was somethin' doin' every minute,
an' don't you never forget it. Oh, he was a deep one. It is creepy to
think of any one like him bein' turned loose on the earth, 'cause a
feller might do somethin' 'at didn't suit him, an' the' wasn't no place
you could hide in afterward. He kept watchin' all the while, an' nobody
couldn't commit a crime nowheres on earth but what he knew of it, an'
he'd go an' call the feller over to one side an' say, "Young man, you
are doomed to die; but if you'll promise to do anything I want you to,
I'll give the Pope, or the Emp'rer of Chinee, or whoever the main stem
happened to be, a scuttle o' diamonds an' get you free--what's the
word?"
Well, in a few years the' wasn't half a dozen criminals in the whole
world who wasn't bound to carry out his orders, an' you can see what an
outfit he had to back him up. Some of 'em he'd make his body-servants;
but that wasn't no snap, you can bet, 'cause he was notionable to a
degree. He'd make plans for a little party, an' he'd send one man to
Siberia for a fish, an' another to Asia for a fowl, an' another to
Chinee for a bird's nest--to make soup of--an' so on. He never give his
guests nothin' to eat 'at growed in the same country the feast was to
be give in. Then he'd say to his steward, who had the hardest job of
all, "Bill"--Bill wasn't his name, but it'll do--"Bill, where did I see
that six-foot vase, made out of a single ruby?"
An' Bill would turn pale an' say, "It was in the secret vault of the
Em'prer of Chince, your Excellency." Then Monte Cristo, he'd say, "Ah,
yes, so it was. 'Tell, go an' get it an' have it here by the
twenty-fifth day of next month."
Well, Bill, he'd just about flicker out, an' begin to tell how it
couldn't be did; but Xlonte, he'd only look at him cold, an' say,
"Never mind the details, Bill--get the vase. If you think you need the
British Navy, why, buy it, but don't bother me. It seems to me, Bill,
'at you ought to begin gittin' on to my curves purty soon. Good-bye."
This was the way he carried on. He'd go to a prison an' he'd say,
"Young man, you was buried to death when you was a baby, but I figgered
I could use you later on, so I had you transplanted. You come out o'
this prison, get an edication, an' on the ninth o' next June you show
up at number forty-nine, Rue de Champaign, Paris, at two fifteen P.
M.--sharp. Here's a million francs to pay expenses. Don't be a
tight-wad--the's plenty more." A franc is worth five dollars, but he
didn't give a durn for 'em. That was HIS style.
He'd come to town an' buy a tenement house 'at wouldn't rent, because
it was haunted; an' he'd tear it all down except the rooms 'at had been
most popular to commit murder in. Then next day he'd run up a swell
mansion around these rooms--big an' gorgeous, like the Capitol at
Cheyenne, with full-grown trees from all over the world, standin' in
the front yard. Then he 'd give a party to all the substantial citizens
who had once used those rooms to commit murders in, an' he'd bring 'em
face to face with the ones they thought they had murdered--an' it was
comical to see 'em fallin' around in faints; but Monte, he'd pretend
'at he hadn't noticed anything unusual, an' he'd get 'em a glass of
wine an' make 'em face the torture, till it gives a feller a cold
sweat, just to read about it.
You might think that a man runnin' for congress in this country has a
hard time sinkin' his reputation; but the way 'at Monte Cristo mined
around in a feller's past was enough to scare a cat out of a cellar.
They don't run things over in France like they do here; they make
Counts an' Markusses an' Bankers out of the bad men, an' slap the
innocent ones into dungeons to keep 'em from gettin' spoilt. But this
didn't suit Monte for a minute; so when he gets the gang all settin' up
in front of him like a herd o' tenpins he sez, "Let her go!" an' you
ought to have seen 'em drop.
He don't do none o' the dirty work himself--no more prisons for him. He
just goes around like a Sunday-school director at Christmas time, while
his enemies turn to an' poison an' stab an' mutilate each other in a
way to turn a butcher pale; but his favorite plan is to make 'em go
insane an' have their hair turn white in a single night. That got to be
his private brand.
Well, Hammy read the book to us so natural that we all slept in one bed
for company; but it cheered us a heap, an' we begun to feel rich,
ourselves, an' talked about millions as easy an' natural as though we
each had little holler islands of our own. Miller was about my size, so
'at all his clothes fit me like the skin on a potato. Hammy was a
leetle too tall an' thin, and Locals, a foot or so short; but they
fished out a couple of swell outfits too.
We found a lot of empty check-books, an' used to play draw, settlin' at
night by check. It was purty good fun for a while--until we woke up.
Hammy owed me ten million francs an' Locals was into me for fifteen. I
offered to give 'em a receipt in full if they'd give me their interest
in the yeller pup. As long as the pup had three bosses he wouldn't mind
no one, an' I wanted to teach him somethin' besides eatin' an' sleepin;
but them two cusses wouldn't sell out at the price. When I saw that a
hundred an' twenty-five million dollars wouldn't buy two-thirds of a
seventy-five cent pup, I understood what the spell-binders mean by a
debased currency, an' I felt hurt an' lonesome again.
One day Hammy stacked himself in front of a window an' began to talk
about the gloomy ghastliness of solitude, until me an' Locals couldn't
stand it no longer, an' we heaved him out into a drift. Under ordinary
circumstances he would have rolled his eyes, pulled his hair, an'
ranted around about the base ungratitude of man; but this time he
looked up to the sky an' hollered, "Come out here quick! Hurry up! COME
ON!"
We went out, an' the' was somethin' a-floatin' away up yonder, lookin'
like a flyspeck on a new tablecloth. "What is it?" asked Hammy. "Is it
a bird?" asked Locals. Under such conditions I never say nothin' until
I have somethin' to say, so we stood an' gazed. In about ten minutes we
all shouted together, "It's a balloon!"
An' by jinks, that's what it was. We hollered an' fired off guns, an'
after a while it settled down an' lodged in a tree. The' was only one
man in it, but he was dyked out in Sunday clothes, an' purt' nigh froze
to death. We fed an' warmed him, an' he was about as much surprised at
us as we was at him. I was wearin' a Prince Albert coat an' a high plug
hat, Locals had on a white flannel yachtin' rig, an' Hammy was sportin'
a velvet suit with yeller leggin's an' a belt around the waist. After
we had fitted him out with a pipe he sez, "Gentlemen, I may possibly be
able to repay you at some future time. I am Lord Arthur Cleighton,
second son of the Earl o' Clarenden."
When he registered himself thus, I see Locals an' Hammy open their
eyes, an' I knew 'at we had landed somethin' purty stately.
"I am pleased to meet you, me lord," sez Hammy, in his most gorgeous
manner. "I am Gene De Arcy. You may have heard of my father, the
multimillionaire."
Locals, he looked at Lord Arthur, an' see that Hammy's bluff had stuck,
so he girded up his loins an' sez, "Sir, it gives me great pleasure to
make your acquaintance. My uncle, Silas Martin, the late copper king,
has just died, leavin' me as his sole heir; an' I have been seein' a
bit of my own country, preparatory to a prolonged trip around the
world."
Lord Arthur, he jumps to his feet an' shakes hands with 'em, tellin'
'em to just cut out his title, as he was a simple Democrat while in the
United States.
I hardly knew what to do. I didn't hold openers, an' yet if I didn't
draw some cards an' see it out I stood to lose entirely. I had been
corralin' a heap o' city langwidge since I had been cooped up with
Locals an' Hammy, but my heart failed me. I knew I was still some shy
on society manners; but I also knew 'at the' was a heap o' bluffin'
goin' on, so I stuck up my bet an' called.
"Artie," I sez, holdin' out my hand, "you 're the first lord my eyes
has ever feasted on; but I like you--you're game. It ain't many 'at
will own up to bein' a Democrat these days, not even in the secrecy of
the ballot box, but here in Nevada you're safe. Pa has just retired
from business, leavin' me this little mine; but it only pays about ten
million a year now, so I've made up my mind not to bother with it, but
to shut it down an' go on a tour of the world with my two friends here.
I never cared much for school, so this will be a good way to finish my
edication. We was up here last fall seein' that things was closed in
proper order, an' waited for the watchman to come up from below, when
we expected to drive down to our special train an' start for Paris. But
the snow came unexpected, and the expected watchman failed to come; and
here we are, with no food fit for a human, an' all our servants in the
special train, ninety miles away."
When I begun my oration Locals and Hammy leaned forward, holdin' their
breath; but when they see 'at I wasn't turnin' out no schoolboy article
of a lie, they settled back with a long sigh, an' I could tell by their
faces 'at they were takin' pride in my work. They was about the best
qualified judges o' that kind o' work I ever met up with, an' I'll own
'at I never felt prouder in my life 'an I did when Hammy slapped me on
the back as soon as I finished an' sez to Artie, "Me Lord, this is a
typical American. He plans his life on larger things than rules; but
you can depend on him--yea, though the heavens fall, you can depend on
Jack here."
I was glad we didn't have any liquor there, or like as not we'd 'a'
burned the hotel down just for a lark. We was so full of that doggone
Monte Cristo book that we believed our own lies as easy as Artie did,
an' begun to talk to each other like we was society folks at a banquet.
But Artie was a good, decent sort of a chap, as common as we were, when
we got to know him. He never kicked none on the grub, an' his appetite
was a thing to make preparations for; but, as Locals said, his high
descent came out the minute he was brought face to face with work--he
didn't recognize it. Now he didn't try to dodge it, nor he didn't
apologize for not doing it; he just didn't seem to know the' was such a
thing. It never occurred to him that the only way to have clean dishes
was to wash dirty ones. Hammy and Locals, those freeborn sons of
Independence, was glad an' proud to have the chance to wait on him; but
I must confess that the day he sat by the fire with a pile of wood
within reachin' distance, an' let the fire go out, I grew a trifle
loquacious about it.
Hammy overheard me mutterin' to myself in a voice 'at could be heard
anywhere in the hotel, an' he drew me to one side an' sez, "Hush,
presumptuous peasant; for all you know the blood of Alfred flows within
his veins."
"That ain't my fault," sez I; "but some of it will flow down this
mountain side if he don't begin stayin' awake daytimes."
Still, all in all, he was a likeable young feller an' the' ain't no
doubt but what he saved us from bein' lonesome any more. He said 'at
this balloon had been exhibited in Los Angeles, an' he had got into it
just for fun; but the rope had parted an' he had been fifteen hours on
the way. It was only by luck 'at he had happened to have his overcoat
along.
He had four or five newspapers, which he had tied around his feet to
keep 'em warm, but nare a library; so after we had lied our
imaginations sore for a week or so, we fell back on draw, settlin' by
checks at night. By a dazzling piece of luck Artie had his money in the
same New York bank 'at Miller had, so he could use our checks, an'
things began to brighten. Three of us were playin' for real money, an'
the other feller thought he was--it was genuine poker, an' the stiffest
game I ever sat in.
Time didn't drag none now. Artie knew the game, an' it kept me in a
sweat to beat him. White chips was a hundred dollars apiece; but we bet
colored ones mostly, to keep from litterin' up the table. Spring began
to loosen up about the first of March, an' by that time Artie owed me
two million real dollars. Locals an' Hammy was into me for close to a
billion, but I didn't treasure their humble offerings much, 'ceptin' as
pipe-lighters. We was keyed up to a high pitch by this time, an' was
beginnin' to get thin and ringey about the eyes. Artie from losin', me
from longin' for the time to come when I should start out to be a
little Monte Cristo on my own hook, an' Locals an' Hammy, from pityin'
Artie an' envyin' me.
On the twenty-fifth of March a wagon-load of grub an' four men came out
to get things started. I see 'em comin' up the grade, an' I piked down
an' told'em 'at I had landed a good thing, an' to just treat me as the
boss for a few days an' I'd make it all right with 'em.
When Artie saw the new men he turned pale about the gills. He owed me
close to three millions, an' blame if I didn't feel a little sorry for
him. Still, I'd played fair all the while, an' I 'lowed 'at the Earl o'
Clarenden could stand it, and I needed the money a heap more'n some who
might 'a' won it.
When old Bill Sykes came in to report to me I was wearin' a plug hat on
the back o' my head an' sportin' a white vest an' a red necktie, so I
looked enough like the real thing to make it easy for him to act his
part. He came in an' blurted out, right while we was boostin' up a
jack-pot. "That'll do, me good man," sez I, "wait until this hand is
played." Bill, he took off his hat an' stood humble until Artie had
scooped in a hundred thousand dollars, an' then I told Bill he might
talk.
"The watchman was found froze to death, Mr. Hawkins," sez Bill to me
mighty respectful, "an' your train waited until two relief parties had
been drove back by storms, an' then it pulled out for 'Frisco. We are
all ready to take charge here, an' as soon as you wish you can drive
down in the wagon an' telegraph for the train."
Bill backed out bowin', an' we made plans to emigrate a little. I
promised Locals an' Hammy a generous rake-off, an' we fixed to have a
tol'able fair time as soon as I cashed in.
Next mornin' I found a letter addressed to Mr. John Hawkins, Esq. Artie
wasn't around, but Locals an' Hammy was, so I opened the letter an'
read it. This here is the letter. It's one o' my greatest treasures.
"GENTLEMEN,--You have all treated me fine an' I hate to skin out
without saying good-bye but I have not the nerve. I have lied to you
all the time. I am not a real lord at all. My father was gardener at
Clarenden Castle an' I was under groom at St. James Court. When the
younger son came to this country, I came with him but left him an'
became a waiter in New York City. I went to an excursion to Long Branch
an' got to flirting with a widow just for pastime. She dogged my life
after that and my wife is something terrible so I took her and came to
Los Angeles. We was as happy as any one could be with a wife like mine
until the widow showed up. Then I stood between two fires and either
one of them was hell so I got into the balloon and cut the rope
expecting to drift over into Mexico. You are all rich and will not need
the money but I always play fair and I hate to skin out this way;
"yours truly
"L. A. C.
"P.S. It was all I could do to keep from helping with the work 'cause
some of your cooking was rotten and you did not wash the dishes clean
but I knew if I worked you would not think me a real lord. I hope some
day I may be able to repay you for all your kindness."
I didn't say a word after I finished readin' the letter. I had fallen
too far to have any breath left for talkin'; but Hammy an' Locals
unbosomed their hearts something terrible.
"A murrian on the filthy swine!" sez Hammy, after he began to quiet
down a little. "I would I had his treacherous throat within my grasp,
that I might squeeze his inky soul back to the lower depths from whence
he sprung."
"Hush, you punkin headed peasant," sez I. "The' 's just as much of
Alfred's blood flowin' through his veins now as the' ever was."
"'T is not the money I have lost that makes me mad," sez Locals. "It's
finding out that a man can become so degenerate that he will impose
upon the very ones who save his life--deceive them, lie to them!"
"Oh, he ain't the only liar 'at was ever in this hotel," sez I; "an'
when it comes to the money YOU'VE lost, that'd be a small matter to get
mad over. He risked just as much money as we did, an' if he'd 'a' won,
he wouldn't 'a' won a cent more."
After a while they grew more resigned in their langwidge; but after we
had driven down to town without finding him, Hammy sez, "In sooth 't is
bitter truth that all the world's a stage; yet Fate, however cruel,
never decreed that I should play the second season, as servile server
to a worn out mine--my health is all right again, an' I'm goin' back
where a feller gets paid decent wages for makin' a fool of himself."
Suddenly Locals gave a yell of joy and shouted, "My fortune's made! I
can take this thing and have a runaway boy and a lost orphan and a rich
uncle and a villanous cousin, and write the novel of the age about it."
"No, no!" sez Hammy, catchin' the excitement, "tragedy--make it a
tragedy. It is for the stage! Think of them lost without food and the
balloon coming into sight! Think of the scenic effects, the low music
as the orphan kneels in the middle of the stage and prays that the
balloon may bring them food; and then have the villanous cousin in the
balloon--"
Well, they purt' nigh fought about it, and they were still at it when I
left them. The tingle of spring in the air made me wild to get back to
the range again. I thought of little Barbie and what a great girl she
must be by this time. I thought of the big-eyed winter calves huggin'
up to their mothers and wonderin' what it all meant. I thought of old
Mount Savage, and all of a sudden somethin' seemed pullin' at my breast
like a rope, an' I drew down my winter wages, an' set out for the
no'th, eager as a hound pup on his first hunt.