to one side and tip you off to a little bit of the life that is really
very interesting, in fact kinder exciting, and to an outsider makes
life worth while in Moscow. The river runs right through the town and,
contrary to the general notion and looks of some of them, why, they do
bathe--that is, some of them do; and when I say they bathe, I mean they
bathe together. They don’t let race, creed or sex interfere with them.
And what I mean--they bathe right. They just wade in what you would
call the Nude, or altogether. No one-piece bathing suits to hamper
their movements.
If there is a bathing suit in Russia, somebody is using it for an
overcoat. Why, there is only two pair of trunks in Russia, and they
were being mended the weeks I was there. Well, when I saw that I
just sit right down and cabled my old friend Mr. Ziegfeld: “Don’t bring
Follies to Russia. You would starve to death here.” But you know the
way they do it there--don’t seem to be so much what we used to years
ago call--what was that word? Oh, yes, “Immoral.” Well, they just walk
down there on the bank of the river and everybody skins off their
clothes. They don’t have much. Underwear is about as scattering there
as bathing suits.
[Illustration: If there is a bathing suit in Russia, somebody is using
it for an overcoat.]
Now if it hadent been for this bathing existing I would have got out
and seen a lot more places in Russia than I did. But I want to state
positively that while I did not get to see all of Russia, I got to see
all of some Russians.
We must hide ourselves away and see what else we can learn from the
Muscovite Empire that America may profit by besides Negligee Bathing.
Oh, yes, Aeroplanes! It just seems like I can’t write without drawing
attention to the amount of flying that is being done in Europe. Now take
Russia. Here is Russia, so poor that they don’t even know where their
next Revolution is coming from, and get this--what just one Society did
to help their country out in the way of Aviation; a thing that they
know is absolutely necessary. They enlisted two million members and
got in contributions seven Million Rubles--that, in sensible money, is
$3,000,000--organized 20 air clubs, set up over a thousand aeronautical
Libraries and distributed millions of pamphlets of propaganda all
on flying, opened up landing fields, bought 130 fighting planes and
presented the government with seven equipped Air squadrons. Now this
was all in addition to establishing Civil and Commercial routes.
This was not the Government. It was just one Society; and there is two
others almost as big that have accomplished as much. And here is New
York City, the second biggest city in the world, that hasent even got a
place to land. You have to go halfway to Montauk Point and then drive
back two hours in an Auto to get to New York after you get out of a
Plane. And here is the humor of it--you can make a landing field on
half the ground it takes to make a Golf course on.
So just look what those poor Russians are doing, and they are so poor
they havent got a Golf Course to their back. That, by the way, is one
thing that makes me sometimes think they will eventually pull through.
Mind you, all these Commercial Air lines in Russia and all over Europe
are subsidized by their Governments. Of course, at home the minute we
holler for a subsidy for ships to keep our Flag on the ocean, why, up
jumps some cocklebur Congressman and objects: “Where do you come in
to give some Airplane Co. help, or some Steamship line? You don’t do
a thing for the Cafeteria Owners, and they are just as good Americans
as anybody ever broke a tray of dishes for. What about the Farmer? Why
don’t you give him a subsidy? No, sir-ree, I am agin helping anybody
till you help my constituents.”
The subsidy to give most of our people is to take their spedomoter away
from them and give them an Alarm Clock. If America don’t look out they
will be caught in the next war with nothing but a Niblick and a Putter.
Putting is all right, but it keeps you too close to the ground to be of
much use in the real war of the future.
And if you think there ain’t going to be no Next War you better see
some of these Nations drilling and preparing, and they are not the
people that will go to work and learn a trade that they are not going
to work at. The next war you don’t want to Look Out; you want to Look
Up. When you look up and see a cloud during the next war to end wars,
don’t you be starting to admire its silvery lining till you find out
how many Junkers and Fokkers are hiding behind it.
’Course, these are only tips, and you needent play them unless you want
too; but as that is what I am doing over here, why, I am giving you
this for all it is worth. I am like the old Rooster when he brought
out the Ostrich egg and showed it to all the hens and said, “I am not
criticizing, but I just want you to know what others are doing.” Now
that’s an old Gag, but it has to be an old Gag to get over with you
fellows. In talking and writing to Politicians you have to be like a
Country preacher. You have to illustrate everything you want to drive
home with a simple story that all of them can understand. So I just
want you-all to know what even Russia is doing. Everybody is using
their air for something besides speeches but us.
Now while we are on wars, you might like to know about Russia’s Army.
They are without a doubt the seediest-looking layout I ever saw in my
life. They look about like a Chamber of Commerce in Evening clothes
lined up to meet Queen Marie. Their uniforms are made out of a very
heavy grade of calico. They have what used to be a red stripe down the
leg. Then their pants are stuck in those big old heavy, clumsy boots.
So the pants, I imagine, are really just union suits if the Guy had his
boots off. They are not drafted. They have some kind of an arrangement
by which they make them think it is an honor to belong to the Red
Army. It is composed of men and boys at first that cannot read or
write. They get, so they told me, the most low and ignorant they have;
then they teach them after they get them in. But he is taught along
their lines--they don’t want enybody that has his own ideas. So they
do away with illiteracy. The Soviet Literature says they teach them
culture.
Well, I wouldent go as far as to claim that if I was them. But
“culture” is their main word over there. Everything is supposed to
improve their culture. Well, if it is improving their culture, why,
culture must have started at a mighty low ebb originally.
The Red Army is instructed politically, as they figure, I guess, that
in a war, if the worst comes to the worst, why, the Red Army can shoot
a few Proletariat truths at the enemy, lay down a barrage of “Everybody
should divide up equal even if he ain’t got anything.” The present
standing of the Army is admitted to be 600,000. But there is millions
of the workers that are receiving Military training in addition to the
army.
’Course, you take those ignorant old Boys and give them some real
training and they are going to be kinder hard to clean. War is a relief
to them anyway.
VIII
Now the main question that I know strikes you is, Has Russia changed
much and is it better off? Say, that is the one answer you can go and
bet on. Russia hasent changed one bit. It’s just Russia as it has been
for hundreds of years and will be for the next hundreds of years. A
hundred million people are out in the Country and small Villages, and
are living just the same lives they lived under the Czar, and their
existence wouldent be changed even if the Prohibition, the Populist,
the Farmer-Labor or even the Democrats run Russia. It wouldent be
nothing but Russia. People don’t change under Governments; the
Governments change, but the people remain the same.
Look at us! What does it matter who is in any four years? You got
to get out and hustle for it or you don’t get it, no matter what
Government is in. And there is a country with over 90 per cent of
their population Peasants, and they have to make a living from the
soil. They work hard, don’t have much; some years a little more than
others; have to pay their taxes or their rent money as in the old days.
Now the taxes are just as much as the rent share was in the old days
with the landlords. So what difference does it make to them what kind
of Government it is? In fact, they claim that they are not as well off
now, because in these times they can’t buy the things they want, like
they used to be able to do, as they are not to be had.
This eighty or ninety million are no more Communists than you are; they
don’t know what it’s all about. The country is run by the Communist
Party, which has less than 600,000, and they rule this 130,000,000.
They are allowed to elect men to send to the various councils of the
Soviet. But get this--you see, the Communist strength is among the
Industrial workers in the Cities; but they give him a Representative in
the Government for what we will say is one for every 100 voters. But
the Farmers or Peasants get only one for every 1,000 voters. That’s
not the exact Representation, but it is the correct proportion.
So where does your equality come in? They do that to sorter help
overbalance the great majority of the Peasant vote. Russia under the
Czar was very little different from what it is today; for instead of
one Czar, why, there is at least a thousand now. Any of the big men in
the Party holds practically Czaristic powers. Siberia is still working.
It’s just as cold on you to be sent there under the Soviets as it was
under the Czar. The only way you can tell a Member of the Party from
an ordinary Russian is the Soviet man will be in a car. They are all
supposed to only receive $112 a month, which is supposed to be the
salary of all Communists that do work for the Government. Well, some of
them must be pretty good managers to get along as well as they do on
that.
There is as much class distinction in Russia today as there is in
Charleston, South Carolina. Why, I went to the races there, and the
grand stand had all the men of the Party, and over in the center field
stood the mob in the sun. Well, there was Bourgeois and Proletariat
distinction for you.
Here is the queer thing to an outsider: They had the Revolution to run
out the rich, and now the only one that can get in there is either some
rich man or some of his Representatives that say they want to invest
there.
They are very strict about who they let in, and yet any rich fellow
they would meet at the line and escort them in. You see, it dident take
them long to learn that somebody has got to pay the wages or they won’t
have anything to divide up.
You see, that is where Mussolini has outsmarted the Bolsheviks. They
have spent all the money they could rake and scrape on Propaganda in
other Countries, and here they were in Russia with the biggest and
richest Country in the World to work with. They should have spent every
cent of all this on just working and improving Russia, and getting it
so it looked like something. That was what Mussolini had done. All his
Propaganda has not cost him a nickel. He kept every nickel in Italy
and put everybody to work, and now you go in and see it, and he don’t
have to spread any propaganda for your sake. He says look at it and see
how things are. That’s his advertisement. And just think, he is in a
poor Country, where they have few natural resources. You turn that Wop
loose in Russia for a few years, with all their vast unearthed wealth,
and he would really pull a Napoleon on the World.
Now his plan is what the Communists should have done. They have always
wanted Communism. Now they have it, and they have it in the finest
Country there is; so if they don’t make a go of it, their plan must be
wrong, and they will have nobody to blame but themselves. They have
certainly had opportunity knocking at their door. What should they care
about what Communism is doing in Chicago or London? Fix up Moscow and
show the world what can be done under Communism and then let people
come there and see, and they will get all the converts they need and
never spend a dime on Propaganda. Instead of hiring a man to spread
propaganda, hire him to spread some paint and soap and water around.
Turn some of those museums into Bathhouses. Never mind showing us what
Ivanof and Serof did. Show us what Annette Kellermann did. Never mind
bearing down so much on culture; bear down on Industry.
You see, here is what makes it look kinder bad--these fellows took over
a Country that was already a going concern; that dident have a cent of
debt--that is, they repudiated all Russia’s debts, as they claimed they
had nothing to do with the contracting of them. Now the biggest expense
of any country is its interest on its national debt. They confiscated
everything, paid nobody for anything, have everything that the entire
Country possessed. They claimed they dident want any salary for doing
it, so that should have eliminated another big expense. They were
supposed to be working for just the love of saving their fellow man.
Now if you can’t take one that’s handed to you like that, what chance
have you got with it when there is nothing more to cop from anyone,
and paying interest on a big indebtedness? You see, they confiscated
Trains, Factories, Public Buildings and everything. Now those are
wearing out and have to be repaired and rebuilt. What are they going
to do? Nobody has anything else free for ’em. So, just offhand to an
unobserving bonehead, it don’t look like they have manipulated their
affairs any too good.
These other so-called Capitalistic Nations after the war have kept up
repairs and debts, and still look better off than Russia. Russia hasent
paid it out in big salaries. Nobody has ever received in the way of
working wages more than a mere living. But they changed their scheme
around a dozen times since they been in, and they are liable to change
it a dozen more, because none of them ain’t what you would exactly call
a-hitting just right. They have been messing with Russia for nearly
nine years. It’s a good thing that the 90,000,000 are not organized or
there would be a change there overnight.
Communism will never get anywhere till they get that basic idea of
Propaganda out of their head and replace it with some work. If they
plowed as much as they Propagandered they would be richer than the
Principality of Monaco. The trouble is they all got their theory’s out
of a book instead of any of them ever going to work and practicing
them. I read the same books these Birds learned from, and that’s the
books of that guy Marx. Why, he was like one of these efficiency
experts. He could explain to you how you could save a million dollars
and he couldent save enough himself to eat on.
I read his life history. He never did a tap of work only write
Propaganda, according to his own history. He couldent even make his own
writings pay, much less his theories. He wrote for the dissatisfied,
and the dissatisfied is the fellow who don’t want to do any manual
labor. He always wants to figure out where he and his friends can get
something for nothing. They even suggest somebody dividing with them.
You could take those 600,000 Communists over in Russia and take 600,000
rich Americans and you could put them all together and make the
Americans divide up with them equally, and in six months the 600,000
Communists wouldent have a thing left but some long hair and a scheme
to try to get back the half that the Americans was smart enough to take
from them. While the Russians would be practicing their book theories,
the Americans would be practicing just the ones that they know would
work. If you have never been smart enough to make it yourself, you
wouldent be smart enough to hang onto it after you got it.
I hate to keep dragging Mussolini in this, but it was his being in
the Communist Party for all those years that he found out just which
ones of their Theories were wrong. Communists have some good ideas,
of course; but they got a lot that sound better than they work. So
Mussolini has just used the good ones in Italy and thrown out all the
others and replaced them with his own. So he really has Communism
to thank for his success in learning what not to do. If this Stalin
turns out to be a kind of a Mussolini, why, they may pull out; but
somebody has got to handle that troop with a knout. They say Russia is
supposed, by their law, to be run by everybody. Well, it looks it.
You know a Communist’s whole Life work is based on complaint of how
everything is being done. Well, when they are running everything
themselves, why, that takes away their chief industry. They have
nobody to blame it on. Even if he is satisfied with it, why, he is
miserable because he has nothing to complain about. Same way with
strikes and Revolutions. They would just rather stir up a strike
somewhere than eat. So, naturally, in Russia with themselves, they feel
rather restrained, for they are totally unable to indulge in their old
favorite sport of going on strike and jumping up on a box and inviting
all the boys out with them. You know, that is their whole life, and
that is why I don’t believe they will ever be satisfied to run their
own country, especially if everything runs smooth. You make one
satisfied and he is no longer a Communist. So if they ever get their
country running good they will defeat their own cause.
Now, mind you, I may be wrong about these people, for you can never
tell about a Russian. They all may be just having the best time in the
World over there and enjoying it all fine. You know, that is one thing
about the Russian--he thrives on adversity. He is never as happy in his
life as when he is miserable. So he may just be setting pretty, for he
is certainly miserable. It may be just the land for a Comrade to want
to hibernate in.
Some days in there it would really look to me like they were trying to
do something, and were going to get somewhere; and the next day you
would see stuff that would make you think, “What has all these millions
of innocent, peace-loving people done that through no fault of their
own they should be thrown into a mess like this, with no immediate
prospects of relief?” So I am going to be honest with you--I don’t know
whether to kiss ’em or kill ’em.
But now we are going to get down to the real thing as to whether they
can really last or not, and that is religion. The Russians, I guess
from what little I have read, were about the most whole-hearted
religious people anywhere. They are at heart just big, simple,
kind-hearted, God-fearing people. Practically all of them were devout
members of the Russian Orthodox Church. Some of the most wonderful
Churches in the World are in Russia. Now here is something that
everybody don’t know--that the basic foundation of the Communist Party
is to be a nonbeliever--in other words, they are all Atheists.
You can’t belong to the Party and belong to any Church, no matter what
Church. All the Jewish members of the Party have to be nonbelievers.
Before you can get into the Party, it takes a couple of years or more,
and this Atheist test is the one that is hardest. They try to lead
these Russians to believe that all their troubles all these years have
been directly traceable to their religion; that if they throw over
their devout religion everything will be all right. They point out that
the Czar and all those that oppressed them were members of that Church,
and that if a God existed, why hadent He done something to help them?
Now nobody is making any Alibi for the Czar or any of his old Gang, for
from what I could learn in Russia from everybody I talked with, not
only the Bolsheviks but others on the other side, who had been in there
for years, the Czar was pretty small Potatoes. He wasent intentionally
bad, but he was just weak. They all seemed to think the Czarina had
quite a bit of backbone, and if he had had her nerve Russia might have
had a different story today. ’Course, you have to admit that fanatical
religion driven to a certain point is almost as bad as none at all, but
not quite.
Now they will tell you that the worship of Leninism is their religion.
Lenin preached Revolution, Blood and Murder in everything I ever read
of his. Now they may dig ’em up a religion out of that, but it’s too
soon after his death really to tell just how great he was. History has
to ramble along a good many years after a man puts some policies into
effect till you can tell just how they turned out.
Why, some fellow may come along in Russia at any time with a whole new
set of plans that beat Lenin’s all to pieces, and he would be the Big
Man. So where would all your Lenin worship be then? You know, there is
a lot of big men die, but most of them are not so big that they won’t
all be buried. Now Lenin may come through right on through the ages,
but at the present time they are kinder forcing him on the people.
The Government has erected more Statues and Busts to Lenin than there
is flivvers in America. Everywhere you go--every room in every public
building has a bust of Lenin. They make the children speak of him as
Uncle Lenin. Now it’s always best to let the people pick out their own
Hero. Don’t try to force one on them; it’s liable to have the opposite
effect sometimes.
Mind you, you can’t condemn everybody just because they started a
Revolution. We grabbed what little batch of liberty we used to have
through a revolution, and lots of other Nations have revolutions to
thank today. But I don’t think anyone that just made a business of
proposing them for a steady diet would be the one to pray to and try
and live like.
We all know a lot of things that would be good for our Country, but we
wouldent want to go so far as propose that everybody start shooting
each other till we got them. A fellow shouldent have to kill anybody
just to prove they are right.
I can’t understand by what reckoning they think everybody connected
with running the Country should be a nonbeliever. Just what quality
does that add to Government? I don’t care what you believe in, but
you certainly got a right to that belief, and you shouldent have to
give it up to take part in the Government of your Native Land. If the
Bolsheviks say that religion was holding the people back from progress,
why, let it hold them back. Progress ain’t selling that high. If it is,
it ain’t worth it. Do anything in this world but monkey with somebody
else’s religion. What reasoning of conceit makes anyone think theirs
is right? These present religions are liable to knock on the door up
above and find that there is not a Soul been admitted that ever saw an
Automobile or a train. You may be told:
“Oh, no; you so-called educated people thought you knew so much, and
lived so much better down there, and tried to make all others believe
in yours instead of their own religion. They were the ones that were
right. Yet they dident try to impose theirs on you. I am sorry. Good
day.”
It’s better to let people die ignorant and poor, believing in what
they have always believed in, than to die prosperous and smart, half
believing in something new and doubtful.
There never was a nation founded and maintained without some kind of
belief in something. Nobody knows what the outcome in Russia will be
or how long this Government will last. But if they do get by for quite
a while on everything else, they picked the only one thing I know of
to suppress that is absolutely necessary to run a Country on, and that
is Religion. Never mind what kind; but it’s got to be something or you
will fail at the finish.
P.S. Now I have told you all about Russia, but the best way I can
describe Russia to you is, Russian men wear their shirts hanging
outside their pants. WELL ANY NATION THAT DON’T KNOW ENOUGH TO STICK
THEIR SHIRT TAIL IN WILL NEVER GET ANYWHERE.
=Transcriber’s Notes=
Some words appear to be purposely misspelled; these have not been
changed.
Perceived typographical errors have been silently corrected.
Illustrations have been moved to appropriate paragraph breaks.
New original cover art included with this eBook is granted to the
public domain.