we got into this Smolensk. This Mechanic in there with me pulled the
curtains tight over the windows on both sides and I couldent see out.
Then I felt the plane turning and knew we were landing. He left me
sitting there looking at myself till we were entirely stopped. There
was nothing to see after I got on the ground. There was some kind of
military operations going on around there, as they are always arguing
with Poland and this is near the line. They think France is backing
Poland. Every nation in Europe goes to bed with a gun under its head.
Well, whatever they were trying to keep from me, they kept it. I went
into a neat little eating place there and got my first crack at some
Russian Tea. They serve it in big high glasses like Lemonade; no cream,
but they use Sugar. It’s mighty good, and after I tried their coffee
I went right back on this ration of Tea. I had these old Russian boys
come in and eat with me, and we made a lot of signs and had a lot of
fun, loaded up with gas. It’s along in the afternoon now, and this old
Russian Casey Jones grabbed his throttle and this other old Nester kept
his blinds pulled till we were away out of town. We are breezing along
and I feel him kinder tack off to one side and I peep out and I see a
big black cloud ahead. Well, sir, he went over to the right to try to
take roundance on the thing. Then he decided to go under it; then he
changed his mind and went over it. Of all the dodging and twisting and
ducking that he did, and I want to relate to you that he sho did keep
out of it. I wouldent be afraid to meet a cyclone with that old boy if
he could just see her coming. She would have to do some tall twisting
to catch him.
We went into Moscow right on the dot--not a minute late. That field was
full of Airplanes; there must have been eight or ten single-seaters up
doing their stuff. Now just the last few days you have read about the
advance in aviation and the amount of planes that Russia has. Now that
is what I am trying to get you to understand. These Guys over here in
Europe, no matter how little or how big the country, they have left the
ground and are in the air. Nobody is walking but us; everybody else is
flying. So in a few years, when somebody starts dropping something on
us, don’t you say I didn’t tell you.
Now everybody had said to me in going in, “Don’t take anything in with
you; they examine everything. They look at every card. Don’t take a
thing or don’t write a thing while you are in there; everybody is a Spy
and everybody is listening to what you have to say.”
Well, they throwed such a scare into me that I stripped myself down
till I dident have a single piece of paper about me but my passport.
I tore up two handfuls of cards that people had given me of people in
Russia to look up for them. I had the parents’ address of everybody in
New York City. Now I dident know exactly how they might stand, and if
they caught me with these names, I might be suspected of being a Spy or
something. Outside of my passport, if I had been run over in Russia,
nobody in the world could have told where I was from or who I was.
I had an address I had to tear up that Morris Gest had given me of
a good restaurant that served Kafilka Fish and Luction Soup, both
of which I have learned--after strenuous apprenticeship--to like. I
dident want it to get out in Russia that I knew Gest, so I tore that
up. Dawes’ letters to all the Financiers in Europe I tore up, for I
thought the worst thing in the world you could be caught with was any
connection with Capital. I thought if they found them on me they will
have me in the Kremlin, waiting for daylight to come so the squad
will be sure not to miss a shot. Al Jolson had given me a letter to a
Jewish musician there who writes all the words and music to all his
Southern Mammy Songs. I took in only one suit and four extra shirts, as
I was told if I took in too much I would be suspected of capitalistic
tendencies. I debated with myself a long time in the hotel in Berlin
the night I left whether two extra pair of socks instead of one would
constitute capitalistic affluence. I wouldent risk it. I even dident
get a shave for a few days, figuring I might pass as a native.
[Illustration: I didn’t get a shave, figuring I might pass as a native.]
Now, as a consequence, I dident have a soul in the world to go to, or a
single address. For when you tear up the name and address of a Russian,
that name is gone forever. No English-speaking person living today
can remember a single Russian name. They were told they could have only
so many letters in their Alphabet. Well, they took fifteen of these
they dident want and traded them for fifteen extra K’s and Z’s. So the
alphabet consists of twenty-six letters, seventeen K’s and Z’s and nine
other letters. That is the thing that has made Lenin and Trotzky famous
outside Russia. They were the only ones that the outside world could
pronounce their names.
Well, due to such expert advice, no one ever knocked on the portals of
Sing Sing any lighter equipped than I entered the city of Moscow. I
dident even have my Shriner pin or my Elk Tooth Fob. I tell you I was
practically Neglige.
Now you talk about having sea legs when you get off a boat. Say, crawl
out of an Airship after about sixteen hours in the air!
Your legs don’t wabble like they do when just off a boat; it’s your
arms. They want to start flapping and you want to ascend again. I
never felt anything as low in my life as that ground was. I went into
a little customs office. They took my passport, but instead of like
lots of countries where they take it away and hold a Clinic over it,
why, this old boy give it a peek and shoved it back to me. I opened up
the grip. He got one peek--dident even feel in there. Talk about not
bringing in anything, why, I could have had a Grand Plane in there and
he would never have seen it!
And as for looking to see what you had in your pocket or had on your
person, why, I could have had a bass drum in each hip pocket, a
Saxophone down each leg and two years’ collection of the Congressional
Records in my coat pockets. Now you know yourself that would have
been the most bunglesome thing I could have had. I also had a little
Typewriter. This Customs fellow thought it was a Cash Register. So, you
see, there was one set of advice blew up.
I bid this old Russian Aviator Boy good-by, and when I shook his hand
I meant it, and if I ever decide to take up the usual tourist trip of
flying over the North Pole, why, this old funny-looking square-headed
boy would be the one I would take out a stack with. But I guess the
traffic will be so congested next summer flying over the pole that you
would just have to wait for your turn to pass it.
IV
Now a few years ago the Bourgeois Party ---- Now I better stop right
here early and tell you what that “Bourgeois” word is, what it means
and how it is pronounced. There are two main words in Russia--one
is “Bourgeois” and the other is “Proletariat,” and “Soviet,” of
course, which means Council or Congress, only not quite as bad as our
understanding of Congress. Now “Proletariat” means the poor people,
or what would be known in America as the Democrats; and the word
“Bourgeois” means the rich people, which in America would be known as
Republicans; or if they are very rich, the Conservative Republican
Party.
Now the word “Proletariat” you can pronounce; even some Congressmen can
get it right; but the word “Bourgeois” has bogged down more politicians
grammatically than the name Susanne Lenglen. “Bourgeois” is pronounced
by the Russians--and it’s theirs, they ought to know--it’s pronounced
“Burge-Wah.” So, you see, while Russian spelling is terrible, the
pronunciation is generally correct. Now I am just explaining these to
you so in using them, as I perhaps will be in future Russian matters,
we will understand each other. I really was not sent here to instruct
America grammatically--only Diplomatically. But a little Intelligentzia
now and then is relished by the best of men, even politicians.
Well, as I started to say, the Bourgeois--remember pronunciation--party
sent over Elihu Root years ago on practically the same mission as I
was on, but he dident find out much. In fact, if I remember right, he
didn’t find out anything. So if I can report on how to pronounce and
define three Russian words, I can well report progress.
Now the first thing I want to do is to dispel one generally popular
illusion that everybody has to watch one’s conduct while in Russia.
Everybody said: “Be very careful what you say or do while in there;
they have spies and secret police all over the place. Every waiter or
servant in the Hotel, they let on they don’t speak English, but they
do, and report everything. It’s that G. P. P., or Cheko, the famous
secret-service organization of Russia.”
[Illustration: Everybody said, “They have spies and secret police all
over the place.”]
Well, they had me so scared that New York third-degree police methods
wouldent have got a word from me. If anybody said to me, “It’s a nice
day today,” I would be afraid even to agree with them. I would just
nod my head both ways, kind of a half yes and 50 per cent no. I was as
agreeable to everybody as an Insurance Agent before he lands you.
Then a lot of friends had said to me, “Oh, you will get many a laugh
out of there; I would like to be with you up there.”
Funny? Say, I was just about the saddest looking thing you ever saw.
Claremore, Oklahoma’s favorite light Comedian was in no jovial mood
to derive merriment from a Bolsheviki régime that far away from home.
I had seen pictures of long trains wending their way across the Trans
Siberian Railway, hauling heavy loads of human freight, when nobody had
a return ticket but the Conductor, all perhaps for getting funny
with Russia.
So if I thought of an alleged Wise Crack, it was immediately stifled
before reaching even the thorax. If somebody was going to pull nifties
at the expense of the Soviet Régime, I certainly was not going to be
the culprit. The whole system of Communism might have openly appeared
to me Cockeyed and disastrous, but if I thought so, I would have said
it to myself.
No, come to think about it, I wouldent even have said it to myself. I
would have been afraid some thought reader would pick it up. I dident
want to do anything or say anything that could be used against me. I
wanted to get out in the peaceful way I had got in. I wanted to arrive
back home 100 per cent whole this fall, to tell my little wheezes to
the dissatisfied agrarian popolation, or what is mistakenly called the
Rube Belt. I couldent think of a single Prohibition joke that I thought
would get over around a Prison Camp fire on the shores of the Behring
Straits. You know, I don’t think there is anything as pitiful or sad as
a half-scared Comedian. I looked, I absorbed, but I dident utter.
Then for the next popular illusion I was told by everyone, “Oh, they
will take care of you; they will just take you around and show you just
what they want you to see. You won’t be allowed to see anything. You
will be sheperded around to just all the good-appearing things.”
Well, here is the funny part about it: I don’t think there was a soul
in Russia that knew I was in there. In fact it kinder hurt my pride
when I found nobody was watching me or paying me any attention. You
see, it’s so hard to get a Passport in there that I thought when they
did give me one I felt kinder like every new Congressman when he
first comes to Washington and look for Mr. and Mrs. Coolidge and the
Cabinet and Alice Longworth and Walter Johnson all to meet him at the
train. Then he comes and prowls around for a week before anybody but
his Landlord knows he is there. In fact some stay there for years and
nobody ever knows they are there.
Well, that’s the way I felt. ’Course, I dident figure on any
public reception. I dident hardly dare to hope for so much as the
much-heralded Cossacks to charge and cut the heads off any remaining
nobility in Red Square. But I did begin to think if they are going to
start showing me about they better be at it. I tell you it was lonesome
and humiliating on me. I wanted to hire my own Detective and have him
watch me just to keep up the popular tradition.
Well, I went all over the country; drove out to villages, went to other
towns, got on the train and made a night’s journey from Moscow to St.
Petersburg--or Leningrad was the name of it that week--and wasent
stopped or asked a question; and dident even have any passport, as it
had been left with the Hotel to give to the Police, as that is their
custom.
I run onto an old American boy that was working for a big mining
concern and he and I looked at everything there was to see, and a lot
of things that if they had been very careful they shouldent have let
us see. I talked to various Government officials connected with their
Foreign Department, and everywhere had the greatest courtesy and
consideration. They explained anything that I would ask them about the
government or the country. One thing, though, that a Communist can do is
explain. You can ask him any question in the world, and if you give him
long enough he will explain their angle, and it will sound plausible
then. Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.
I wanted to go in the Kremlin, the old-time Czars’ Castle and Fort.
It’s now where all the Government business is carried on. ’Course,
you have to have a permit, but they gave it to me and in I went. They
give you a Guide who speaks English to take you through. But that was
the only place where they furnished me one. Anywhere else I could mess
around all over the place. Lenine’s Tomb--the body is just there in a
glass case. Well, at the present time you can’t go in there, as they
are overhauling or upholstering the body, or something. It’s just a
little wooden building outside the Kremlin wall.
I wanted, of course, when I went in there, to see Trotzky. I wanted
to write about him and tell how he stacked up with Borah and Young
LaFollette and Jim Reed and Al Smith and Sol Bloom and the New York
Times man in there, Duranty, who has been there for years and is the
best informed man in Russia on their affairs, and a fine congenial
little fellow and a godsend to visiting English or Americans. Well,
Duranty and I went to see a man about seeing Trotzky. A little fellow
named Rothstein, who spoke English and used to work on a paper in
England, he has to do with censoring all that goes out to the Press. I
told him the nature of the visit to Trotzky was to find out just what
kind of a Guy he was personally; that I dident want any of his state
secrets. I just wanted to see did he drink, eat, sleep, laugh and act
human, or was his whole life taken up for the betterment of mankind.
I told him that anything that I wrote would not break up the pleasant
relations that existed between our two glorious Nations.
Mr. Rothstein informed me: “We are a very serious people; we do not go
in for fun and laughter. In running a large Country like this we have
no time for appearing frivolous. We have a great work to perform for
the betterment of mankind. We are sober.”
Well, I explained to him that I dident hardly expect Trotzky to make
any faces for me or to turn a few somersaults or tell the one about two
Hebrews named Abe and Moe. I tole him that the man must have some very
good human qualities, and on account of being in America at one time,
he has always been of especial interest to us; more than anyone else in
Russia since Lenin’s death. I wanted to tell them that what they needed
in their Government was more of a sense of humor and less of a sense of
revenge.
[Illustration: I didn’t hardly expect Trotzky to make any faces for me
or to turn a few somersaults.]
I saw that this old boy wasent so strong for me X-raying Trotzky. But
I bet you if I had met him and had a chat with him, I would have found
him a very interesting and human fellow, for I have never yet met a man
that I dident like. When you meet people, no matter what opinion you
might have formed about them beforehand, why, after you meet them
and see their angle and their personality, why, you can see a lot of
good in all of them. You know how it is yourself. I bet you have had
Political enemies and you would think from your impressions of them
that they ought to be quartered in the zoo in the reptile house. Yet
when you met them you could see their side and find they wasent so bad,
and that you were both trying to get about the same thing in the long
run.
Rothstein wants me to stay over one day longer, and he would have me
see Tchitcherin. He was the Prime Minister, and naturally would be the
main one. But it was Trotzky I want to see if possible. These Prime
Ministers, they are so sudden that before I can write you about one of
them he may be out and be three Ministers removed from his old position.
But I found out the real reason I dident get to see Trotzky. Trotzky is
not in so good with the present government. It may seem rather funny
to some to hear he is too conservative for them. He has his ideas how
things should run, as he is one of the old-timers in the party. He got
so bad as an opposition that the Party shipped him away off down in
the Ural’s to get him out of the way. But he is really strong with the
people, and there was such a fuss raised over it that they had to drag
him back to the capital again and create a job for him; so they made
him Minister of Concessions.
Now, on the face of it, that looks like a pretty soft job, for Russia
certainly has lots of concessions to peddle out. But they made it so
Red-Tapey that he couldent give out the Vodka-selling privilege at the
next Revolution without having it passed by an act of the entire Soviet
Council; so it really wasent so much of a job as it appeared on the
letterhead. He had charge of the Army for a long time, and built up
quite a formidable gang.
The real fellow that is running the whole thing in there is a Bird
named Stalin, a great big two-fisted fighting egg from away down in the
Caucasian Mountains. He is the Borah of the Black Sea. He is kinder the
Mellon and Butler combined of the Russian administration. He is the
stage manager of Bolshevism right now. He don’t hold any great high
position himself, but he tells the others what ones they will hold. He
has served his term in Siberia under the Czar. Well, Trotzky is kinder
not sitting at his round table at lunch. But the Peasants out in the
county are still strong for Trotzky. He sees that there must be some
changes made in the way they are running things. The Peasants think
they have a kick that they are not getting enough for their grain, and
Trotzky is sorter siding with them. So he is called a conservative.
[Illustration: He has served his term in Siberia under the Czar.]
A Conservative among Communists is a man with a Bomb in only one hand;
a Radical is what you would call a Two-Bomb Man. They have one in each
hand, and will spit a third one at you if possible. But I saw and
talked to lots of them in the Government; also met all the gang that
they sent out from America that time with Big Bill Haywood--was going
to see old Bill, but he was sick in the Hospital and I couldent get to
see him. From what I heard, Bill sho would like to get back among the
gang in Chicago. If I was Bill, and had that opportunity of going from
Russia to Chicago I would give it serious thought before I would make
the change.
Met the smartest, brightest old Bolshe fellow in there named George.
I don’t know his other name, but you couldent pronounce it if I wrote
it. He said he was one of the twenty-two that Judge Landis sent to
Leavenworth to break their jump to Russia that time. He is a bright,
smart kind of a Duck, but not what I would call a Landis rooter. Met a
big nice jovial fellow from Chicago--forgot his name, said he run for
President on the Socialist ticket the year Jimmy Cox did. I told him I
could faintly remember Jimmy, for he happened to be a good friend of
mine; but I couldent remember him. He said he runs pretty near every
year on that Ticket--said, “I may run this year.” I told him there was
no Presidential election this year unless there was an impeachment.
He said, “Ain’t there? Well, mebbe it’s next year then; I don’t pay
much ’tention to what years I am running and what years I am not.”
He was feeling pretty good about the whole way things were running in
there, and was very enthusiastic about it all; he was strong for ’em.
He had a passport back! I bet if you had stole that passport away from
that old Boy you would have just had 284 pounds’ worth of suicide on
your hands. The funny part about it among these American ones you meet
over there visiting, they are all so nice and friendly and enthusiastic
about it, and believe in it away above our form of government; but
they all go back over home. It just looks to me like Communism is such
a happy-family affair, that not a Communist wants to stay where it is
practiced. It’s the only thing they want you to have but keep none
themselves. Well, this continuous Presidential Candidate was a mighty
nice fellow, and I would like to see him get into the finals some day,
even if he don’t win.
V
Now I know you want to know what about it, and how is it working,
and what is it. Well, I am giving it as much study as a Bird like me
could give serious study to anything. Before coming in here, I read
everything. I read so many of that fellow Marx’s books that I don’t
want even to see the Marx Brothers, as clever as they are. I have come
to the conclusion that the reason there is so many books on Socialism
is because it’s the only thing in the world that you can’t explain
easy. It’s absolutely impossible for any Socialist to say anything in a
few words. You say, “Is it light or dark?” and it takes him two volumes
to answer Yes or No; and then I know there is a catch in it somewhere.
It’s like a long Theatrical Contract. If one of them tells beyond the
Salary and the amount of weeks you are to work, why, you might just as
well light a cigarette with it. More words ain’t good for anything in
the world only to bring on more argument.
If Socialists worked as much as they talked, they would be the most
prosperous style of Government in the World. But the thing is they
don’t know anything about it themselves. There is not two of them in
the world with the same idea of what it is. They say, “All we want is
somebody to come in and see with an open mind.” Well, if ever a Guy
went into Russia with an open mind it was me. It was not only open but
it verged on being empty. Lord, if 130,000,000 people that never had
it any too soft in their lives are trying to work out a way to better
their condition, why, it ain’t for a yap like me to come along and tell
them that they are all wrong.
You know, I dident have to go to Russia to find comedy or chaos in
Governments. If I was looking for governments that wasent just exactly
hitting on all six, why, I left one and went through a dozen more
going to Russia, so anybody better not start heaving too many rocks at
Russia’s government--I don’t care which country you come from--till
you have looked your own over.
Liberty don’t work as good in practice as it does in Speech. You got to
figure that bunch of fellows are playing with the biggest Toy in the
world. They are like a poor old Farmer or Rancher out home in Oklahoma
that has a bunch of Kids, and they have never had anything to play
with in their lives but an old hound pup; and then Dad strikes Oil,
is paid a big bonus, and wanting to do something for his Gang, goes
to Tulsa and gets them all the mechanical toys of every description
in the world and hands them to them to play with. Well, that is what
somebody has slipped these soviet fellows. They have had an electric
train thrust into their hands and they had never pulled the string on
even a jumping jack before, and they are naturally going to have a lot
of short circuits and burned fingers before they get the thing started.
Cæsar and Nero and that bunch of boys that got credit for steam-roller
measures through the Roman senate were playing county politics compared
to these Babies. The whole Roman Empire, in its balmiest days--and it
had some balmy days--that little Minor-League Empire would have got so
lost in Russia that Columbus, De Soto and Lewis Clark couldent have
found it.