The following, told with happy effect by Colonel W. D. Haynie of
the Chicago Bar, probably has no parallel in theological literature.
A colored brother who felt called upon to preach, applied to the
Bishop of his church for license to exercise the sacred office.
The Bishop, far from being favorably impressed by the appearance
of the candidate, earnestly inquired whether he had read the Bible,
and was familiar with appropriate stories to relate, as occasion
might require, to his Sunday school and congregation. The answer was,
"Boss, I has read dat book from led to led." In response to the
request of the good Bishop that he would repeat a Bible story, the
applicant for Holy Orders began:
"One time dar wus a wicked ole King, an' his name was Ahab; an' he
live in Babylon; an' he wus a mighty warrior; an' one day he wuz
marchin' along at de head uv his army fru de streets of Babylon,
an' he seed Bersheby standin' up on de house-top; an' he said to
his soldiers, 'Bring me Bersheby fur my wife'; an' day brung him
Bersheby fur his wife. An' ole Ahab he march a long ways off, and
fit a big battle, an' tuk a hull lot of prisoners; an' cum
a-marchin' back fru de streets of Babylon, wid de brass bans
a-playin', and de stars an' stripes a-floatin'; an' Bersheby she wuz
a-standin' on de house-top, and she holler out,
"'How did you cum out wid' em, old Ahab?'
"An' it make him powerful mad you know, an he say to his soldiers,
'Frow her down to me.' And dey frowd her down to him; and den
he say, 'Frow her down to me _seven_ times'; and dey frowd her down
seven times; and den he say, 'Frow her down to me _seventy times
seven times!'_ and dey frowed her down to him seventy times
seven times; an' po' ole Bersheby, she crawl away and lay down
at de rich man's gate, and de dogs come and lick her wouns, and
when dey gevered he up, dar was 'leven basketfuls left, an' _whose
wife will she be in de resurrection?"_
L
OUR NOBLE CALLING
THE LEGAL PROFESSION--TAKEN BY SURPRISE--MISSING THE POINT OF
THE JOKE--A REMARKABLE INCIDENT--A JUDICIAL DECISION ON BAPTISM--A
DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT--STRONG PERSONAL ATTACHMENT--IRISH WIT--ENGLISH
JOKES ABOUT LAWYERS--GREATNESS UNAPPRECIATED--ALL IN HIS WIFE'S
NAME--A RETORT BY CURRAN--REMITTING A FINE--A CASE "ON ALL-FOURS"--
"GOING OUT WITH THE TIDE."
As we well know, lawyers generally entertain an exceedingly exalted
opinion of their profession. Textbooks, opinions of courts,
addresses innumerable to graduating students, all bear witness
to the fact that our noble profession is the most honorable of
human callings, the safeguard of society, the palladium of our
liberty.
True, some uncharitable layman has suggested: "Yes, all this, and
more, has been said a thousand times, _but always by lawyers."_
There are persons yet in life, who, practically at least, hold with
Aaron Burr, that "law is that which is boldly asserted and plausibly
maintained," and that lawyers, like the Roman augurs of old, always
smile when they meet one another on the street. The by no means
exalted opinion of two men as to "our noble profession" will appear
from the following.
A few days after Knott was admitted to the bar, he was sitting
alone in his office, waiting for clients, when a one-gallowsed,
awkward-looking fellow from the "brush" walked in without ceremony,
dropped into the only vacant chair, and inquired: "Air you a
lawyer, mister?" Assuming the manner of one of the regulars, Knott
unhesitatingly answered that he was. "Well," said the visitor, "I
thought I would drap in and git you to fetch a few suits for me."
Picking up his pen with the air of a man with whom suing people
was an everyday, matter-of-course sort of affair, Knott said: "Who
did you wish to sue?" To which--with a prolonged yawn--the
prospective client drawled out: "I ain't particular, Mister, I
jest thought I'd get you to pick out a few skerry fellows _that
would complemise easy!"_
The remaining incident is an experience of my own, when, at the
age of twenty-two, I had hung out my sign in the then county-seat of
Old Woodford.
My first client had retained me to obtain a divorce because of
abandonment during the two years last past by the sometime partner
of his joys and sorrows. The bill for divorce was duly filed; but
on "the coming in of the answer," a continuance of the suit, for
cause shown, was granted to the defendant.
At an early hour on the morning thereafter, my client called, and I
soon discovered he was in a frame of mind by no means joyous. The
disappointment he expressed at the continuance of his suit was
evidently sincere. My explanation of the impossibility of preventing
it, and the confident hope I held out that he would certainly
get his divorce at the next term, evidently gave him little relief.
He at length intimated a desire to have a confidential talk with
me. I took him into my "private office" (that has a professional
sound, but as a matter of fact my office had but one room, and that
was "open as day" to everybody) and assured him that whatever he
said to me would be in the strictest confidence. Feeling that I
was on safe ground, I now spoke in a lofty tone of the sacred
relation existing between counsel and client, and that any
communication he desired to make would be as safe as within his
own bosom, "or words to that effect." Relieved, apparently, by
the atmosphere of profound secrecy that now enveloped us, he
"unfolded himself" to the effect that some years before he had been
deeply in love with an excellent young lady in his neighborhood,
but for some trifling cause he could now hardly explain, he had in
a pique suddenly turned his attentions to another to whom he was
soon united in the holy bonds that he was now so anxious to have
sundered by the strong arm of the law.
A deeply drawn sigh was here the prelude to the startling revelation,
that since his present sea of troubles had encompassed him about
the old flame had been rekindled in his heart. I now candidly
informed him that I was wholly inexperienced in such matters, but as
his counsel I would take the liberty to advise him of the monstrous
impropriety of any visible manifestation or expression of the newly
revived attachment. This was followed by the comforting assurance
upon my part, however, that when divorced, he would be lawfully
entitled to re-enter the matrimonial lists in such direction, and at
whatever gait seemed to him best. The sigh to which the above was
the prelude, hardly prepared me for the startling revelation
that another fellow was now actually keeping company with the young
lady. My client's feelings here overcame him for a moment, and he
complained bitterly of his hard fate in being "tied up," while the
coast was clear to his competitor. After a moment of deep study,
he expressed the opinion in substance, that if his rival could only
be held in check until the divorce was granted, he was confident
all would be well.
I here told him that this was all beyond my depth, and along a line
where it would be impossible for me to render him any service.
Hitching his chair up a little closer, and looking at me earnestly
he said: "You are a good-looking young fellow, and rather a
glib talker, and I will give you this hundred dollars if you will cut
that fellow out until I get my divorce!" Declining with some show
of indignation, as well as surprise--for I was _young_ then in the
practice--I assured him that his proposal was out of the domain of
professional service, and could not be thought of for a moment. In
a tone indicating deep astonishment, he said: "Why, I thought a
lawyer would do anything for money!"
"Yes," I replied, "most anything, but this is the exception; and
besides, if the young lady is as beautiful as you say she is,
you would be _in greater danger from me_ at the end of your probation
than from the other fellow." "Oh, Lord, I hadn't thought of that,"
he exclaimed, as he pocketed his hundred dollars, picked up his
hat, and left my office.
Near the close of the following term of court, as the decree was
being signed granting the divorce aforementioned, I approached
my client as he sat solitary in the rear of the court-room, and
earnestly congratulated him upon the fact that he was now free and
at liberty to fight his own battles. "Yes," he replied, with a
groan that touched the heart of the tipstaff near by, "but it's
too late now; _she married that other fellow last Thursday."_