Ceremonious calls are those made to present letters of
introduction, or after dinners, parties, or balls.
In calling to present a letter of introduction, the caller does not
go in, but simply leaves the letter, with his card and address.
In returning a call made with a letter of introduction, the caller
must go in, if the person on whom he calls is at home.
If your letter of introduction is for a special purpose--which
purpose should be mentioned in the letter--you will send it in with
your card, and ask for an interview.
In giving letters of introduction, you take a great responsibility.
You should, therefore, give them only to persons that have your
entire confidence and for whom you are willing to be responsible.
They should be left open, in order that their bearers may acquaint
themselves with their contents.
A call should be made within a week after balls, dancing parties,
or dinners to which you have been invited, whether you accepted or
not. Such calls, some one has said, should resemble wit in their
brevity, not exceeding the length of a reasonable sermon--say
twenty or thirty minutes at the most.
If during your call another visitor should arrive, you should not
appear to shun him, but should wait two or three minutes, and join
in the conversation before you take leave. Persons that out-sit two
or three callers, unless there is some special reason for their
doing so, are in danger of being called bores, who are persons that
have not sufficient tact to know when they should take leave.
It is often no easy matter either to know when to take leave or how
to take leave gracefully. As a rule, avoid all such observations
as, “Well, I think it is time for me to be going,” and do not
look at your watch. The best way to make one’s exit, whether
the conversation has begun to flag or not, is to say something
effective, as Pelham was wont to do, and withdraw immediately
thereafter. Above all, do not prolong your leave-taking. When you
start to go, go. Interminable leave-takers are very tiresome.
A man should never offer to shake hands with persons on whom he
calls. If, however, those on whom a man calls offer him their hands
when he arrives, he may offer them his hand when he takes leave;
but this is by no means necessary.
A man, in making calls, should always carry his hat into the
drawing-room. He may carry his cane also into the drawing-room, if
he chooses to do so, but there is no special reason why he should.
The carrying of one’s hat is sufficient intimation that one has
not come to remain. Authorities differ with regard to what a man
shall do with his hat when he gets into the drawing-room. One
English authority says: “The hat should never be laid on a table,
pianoforte, or any article of furniture, but must be held properly
in the hand. If you are compelled to lay it aside, put it on the
floor.” Another English authority says: “A gentleman holds his hat
until he has seen the mistress of the house and shaken hands with
her. He would then either place it on a chair or table near at
hand, or hold it in his hand until he took leave.” Men of sense
and a little independence will do as they please. What objection
can there be to a man’s putting his hat on a chair, a table, or a
piano? In making short calls, a man should hold his hat, unless he
should want to use both hands for some other purpose.
But whether it is permissible or not for a man to put his hat on
some article of furniture, it is certain that if he carries hat and
cane into the drawing-room, he should put them down somewhere, or
hold them still, and not betray his _gaucherie_ by flourishing the
one or twirling the other.
A man should never say, “Excuse my glove,” nor, if he is neatly
gloved, should he remove his glove to shake hands with any one.
Never take a seat on a sofa, unless invited to do so; nor in
an arm-chair, uninvited, unless there are several in the room
unoccupied; nor is it permissible to leave your chair to get nearer
the fire.
A gentleman should, generally, rise when a lady enters the
drawing-room, and remain standing till she is seated; and, though
a stranger, he should place a chair for her, if there is not one
convenient; but not his own, if there is another at hand.
A gentleman should also generally rise if a lady leaves the
drawing-room, and remain standing until she has passed out.
Never take any one to call on ladies of your acquaintance before
asking their permission to do so.
When going to spend the evening with a friend that you visit often,
it is quite proper that you should leave your hat in the hall.
Never take a dog into a drawing-room when you make a call. For many
reasons a visitor has no right to inflict the society of his dog on
his acquaintance.
A gentleman that is invited by a lady to call cannot, without
showing a want of courtesy, neglect to pay her a call within a week
or ten days.
Visits of condolence are paid within a week, or ten days at most,
after the event that occasions them. Personal visits of this kind
are made only by relatives and intimate friends, who should be
careful to make the conversation as little painful as possible.
In paying visits of congratulation, you should always go in, and be
hearty in your congratulations.
“There are many great men,” says “The Man in the Club-Window,”
“who go unrewarded for the services they render humanity. Nay,
even their names are lost, while we daily bless their inventions.
One of these is he, if it was not a woman, who introduced the use
of visiting-cards. In days of yore a slate or a book was kept,
and you wrote your name on it. But then that could be done only
when your acquaintance was ‘not at home.’ To the French is due the
practice of making the delivery of a card serve the purpose of
the appearance of the person, and with those who may have a large
acquaintance this custom is becoming very common in large towns.”
The fashion of cards as to size, material, style of engraving,
and the mode of using them, is very variable. Visiting-cards, at
present, should be small, and printed on fine, thin bristol-board,
in Italian script without any flourishes. The address in the
right-hand corner, and if a member of a club, the name of the club
in the left-hand corner. Glazed cards, fac-similes and ornamental
styles of letters are entirely out of fashion.
The black borders of mourning cards vary in width according to
circumstances, the maximum width being three eighths of an inch,
which is denominated “extra extra wide.”
Nearly all New York men have “Mr.” on their cards, and yet in
England, where the custom originated, according to two authorities
before me, the practice is going out of fashion. One of them says:
“Some gentlemen and unmarried ladies have adopted the continental
custom of omitting the ‘Mr.’ and ‘Miss’ upon their cards; as
_Alfred John Majoribanks_;
or
_Lucy Carrington_.
And the fashion is a good one.”
Another English writer says: “To have ‘Francis Smith’ printed on
the card without the prefix ‘Mr.’ would be a glaring solecism, and
in the worst possible taste.” The writers are both “members of the
aristocracy.”
Military or professional titles take the place of the “Mr.,” as,
“Captain John Smith,” “Colonel John Smith,” “Rev. John Smith,” “Dr.
John Smith,” etc.
“Visiting-cards _can under no circumstances_ be sent by post; to do
so would betray the greatest ignorance of what is done in society.
Cards must be left in person,” says an English writer.
“It is for this ceremonious card-leaving that it is now proposed
to send the cards by post, which sensible people in England are
advocating, as well as sensible people here,” says an American
writer.
The turning-down of the corner or the end of a card signifies that
the owner left it in person. It is better usage, because more
recent, to turn the end. In countries where great importance is
attached to such little things, even those that send their cards
by servants turn them across one end--usually the right end--as if
they had left them in person.
Cards left on New Year’s Day, or on any other reception day, simply
for the purpose of refreshing the memory of the hostess, are never
turned down.
Usage in these matters varies not only in different countries, but
often in the different large cities of the same country. Persons
that are not sure that they are thoroughly informed should inquire.
On reception days the caller must go in; the simple leaving of his
card on those days does not suffice.
P. P. C. cards are the only cards that it is universally considered
permissible to send by post.
To return a call, made in person, with cards inclosed in an
envelope is an intimation that the sender is not desirous to
continue the acquaintance.
“As regards leaving cards upon _new_ acquaintances,” says the
English authority already quoted, “a gentleman may not leave a card
upon a married lady, or the mistress of a house, to whom he has
been introduced, however gracious or agreeable she may have been,
unless she expressly asks him to call, or gives him to understand
in an unmistakable manner that his doing so would be agreeable
to her. This rule holds good, whether the introduction has taken
place at a dinner-party, at a ball, at an ‘at home,’ at a country
gathering, or elsewhere; he would not be authorized in leaving his
card on her on such slight acquaintanceship; as, if she desired his
further acquaintance, she would make some polite allusion to his
calling at her house, such as, ‘I hope we shall see you when we are
in town this season,’ or, ‘I am always at home at five o’clock, if
you like to come to see us.’ If a woman of the world she would use
some such formula, but would not use a direct one, in which case
he would leave his card on her as soon afterward as convenient, and
he would also leave a card for the master of the house, the lady’s
husband or father, as the case might be, even if he had not made
his acquaintance when making that of the lady.
“A gentleman may not under any circumstances leave his card on
a young lady to whom he has been introduced, unless her mother,
chaperone, or the lady under whose care she is for the time, gives
him the opportunity of furthering the acquaintance in the manner we
have just indicated. The young lady must not take the initiative
herself, but must leave it to her mother or chaperone to do so.
It would be considered ‘ill-bred’ were a gentleman to ask, ‘if he
might have the pleasure of calling,’ etc.”
But in America, according to the author of “Social Etiquette of
New York,” a young man may proceed quite differently. She says:
“After a gentleman has been introduced to a lady, he may be in
doubt whether the acquaintance will prove agreeable to her. He may
be too delicate to give her the unpleasantness of refusing him
permission to call on her, should he beg such an honor. Therefore,
if he covet her acquaintance, he leaves his card at her residence,
and her mother or chaperone will send an invitation to him to visit
the family, or, perhaps, to be present at an entertainment, after
which it is his duty to call and pay his respects. If the list of
acquaintance be already too extensive, no notice need be taken
of the card, and he will wait for a recognition from the ladies
of the household when they meet again. If the acquaintance be
really desirable, a prompt acknowledgment of his desire to become
acquainted is admitted in some refined and acceptable form.
“A gentleman,” says the same writer, “will always promptly accept
or decline an invitation to anything. It was once an unsettled
question whether or not receptions, kettledrums, and the like
gatherings, required the formality of a reply. That vague doubt is
terminated. _Every invitation should be answered_, and then there
can be no misunderstanding.”
Gentlemen, in making formal calls, ask if “the ladies are at home.”
If they are not, some men leave a card for each, while others
leave one card only, which, it would seem, should suffice.
If a gentleman calls on a young lady that is the guest of a lady he
does not know, he will, nevertheless, ask to see her hostess.
If a gentleman receives an invitation from a new acquaintance,
he should leave his card on host and hostess the day after the
entertainment, whether he was present or not.
Rules with regard to card-leaving have little or no significance
among intimate friends.